Say Cheese

Last weekend, my family went up to Rock Hill, South Carolina for Easter weekend.  It was also the first birthday party for my niece, Beulah.  (For more information on that miracle baby, check out her mom's blog.)  So, all five of us joined up with Heather's parents, Heather's brother Mike and his wife Ria, Ria's sister Becky, and Heather's brother Andy and his wife Michelle and daughter Beulah.  It was a really nice trip and we all had a great time together.  We had a fun party for Beulah.  My kids enjoyed harassing her - uh - I mean, playing with her.  We had a great Easter service at Andy's church.  And we did family pictures.

Pictures are always a risky gamble for a fat person.  I hate going back through old pictures and seeing how enormous I looked.  As long as I am just living in my own head, I can imagine that I am still a 25 year old, 250 pound guy.  But, when pictures get dragged out, it is very apparent that I am a nearly 36 year old.  And my weight is VERY obvious.  I am stunned when I look back at our Christmas pictures and see how large I let myself get without stopping.  There have also been times in the past when I have had some unfortunate pictures due to my weight.  I remember when I worked at USF, the BCM staff got together at the director's house for a Christmas party.  We all got on their sectional and took a picture together.  When the pictures came back, there I was sitting there.  And my button up shirt had spread open at the bottom to reveal my stomach and belly button.  Nothing says Merry Christmas like a big fat guy with his gut hanging out.  (This has actually happened on several occasions - the surprise navel visitor.  I hate that guy.)

Then there is the angle issue.  As if just being jumbo sized isn't enough, there are angles you can be photographed that makes you look even worse.  It is one of those perspective shots.  You know how if you take a picture of a person sitting in a recliner from the end of the chair, it looks like they have enormous feet and a really tiny head?  Well, there are ways I have been photographed that has made my torso section appear even more out of whack.  Of course, even the most professional shot could still look that way.  You know, due to the fact that my gut had gotten huge.

There also is the basic issue that comes from weighing twice as much as any other member of your extended family.  The last time the entire Crissinger group had gotten together for a picture was around nine years ago.  They were great pictures, but I always hated them because I am just a much much bigger person than them.  They all are very tiny people (my wife included).  And Heather's brothers married tiny wives.  Even if I wasn't grossly obese, I still would be larger than them.  But, when I was crushing ice cream daily, I looked like Shrek compared to the other fairy tale creatures.  It was like a shaved bear had wandered into a regular family's photo shoot.  And I was at least 25 pounds lighter then than when I started this whole thing.

This time was different.  I approached the picture differently.  I actually looked forward to it.  Part of it is that it is very apparent that I am much smaller than I used to be - even though I still have like 100 pounds to go.  I was looking forward to getting a picture to replace some of the ones floating around out there now - that looks like I got stung by a bee and then ate the bee and a cartload of Honey Smacks to punish the bee. I knew that I still would look bigger than everyone else.  But I also knew the progress I had made.  (I actually weigh about 25 pounds less than in that picture from nine years ago.)  I got a new shirt and got ready for the shoot.

I have never liked getting pictures taken.  To kill my nervousness and awkwardness, I came up with goofy things to do in pictures.  In college, I would wait until the picture was about to get taken and then stare off in a different direction.  It was a little game I played. For two years straight, I don't think I was in a group shot where I was facing the camera.  In high school and college, I used to mess with other people in the picture.  I would have my arm behind them and goose them or tickle them.  Or I would make stupid faces.  This is a classic maneuver that ruined many good pictures.  Just ask my mother.  I had this stupid smile I did that was just dumb.  I would raise my eyebrows, open my eyes really big, and grin really huge.  Hundreds of pictures have been taken of this smile.  Everyone I know hates it.  I would throw up fake gang symbols.  I would glare at the camera, like I was going to kill the cameraman.  Or I would just make a weird monster face.  Shoot - even the picture I have used for months on my Facebook and blogs is me doing Zoolander's Blue Steel pose.

I think all of this was to draw attention away from my stomach.  It usually works.  When the pictures come back, most people say, "Man, look at your face."  Or "why can't you look at the camera."  Or "Oh my gosh, that face is hilarious."  But rarely do people say, "Good night, look at how huge you are."  This is part of my way to deal with my embarrassment over my weight.  Draw attention away from the stomach.  I have always worn my clothes loose to mask the gut.  (And the man boobs.  Can't forget the man boobs.)  I walk bent over so that my gut doesn't stand out so much.  I constantly am pulling at my shirt to make it look looser - which is why all the button holes in my shirt get stretched out.  And then there is the joking.  One of the reasons I have joked so much over the years, especially regarding my weight, is to deflect embarrassment.  I figured if I poked fun at myself, it would address what everyone else was already thinking about me.  But it would diffuse it.  I guess I thought people would think that if I didn't care about the weight (which I demonstrated by joking), then they shouldn't care either.

The problem was that I did care.  That is why I did all those things.  I hated myself.  I hated my body.  Seeing my gut made me angry and sad and miserable.  The jokes were for me - not anyone else.  The shirt, the walk, the goofy faces were to distract me.  If I couldn't see the gut, then I wouldn't feel so rotten.  And if I could just laugh at my goofy face, then I would have something to look at in the picture without being upset.  But, it never worked.  The first place I always looked at in a picture was my stomach.  Other people would be like, "Oh what a great family" or "You all look so happy."  And I would immediately just see the gut.  So I largely avoided pictures.  It is pretty interesting, when there is a bunch of pictures taken of our family or at an event, there are going to be tons of pictures of the kids.  And there will be pictures of my wife, or of other people.  But there is usually only a small amount of pictures of me.  I don't volunteer myself.  It usually only happens when I can't avoid it.

So that is why my excitement over these family pictures was so weird.  There was a mixed bag of emotions. I felt stupid in my shirt.  I was worried that it would make me look like Shrek again - except this time dressed as a old school Bucs fan.  (It was an orange shirt.)  But there was a lurking happiness.  I even went so far as to ask for shots of just me to replace the stupid ones I have out there now.  And I willingly posed with Heather.  It was kind of big deal to me.  I knew that the kids would look fabulous.  And Heather would be beautiful as always - same for the rest of the family.  But this time, I was hoping I would also look good.

At lunch on Easter, I was chatting with Mike, Ria, and Becky about if things have changed a lot for me. And one of the things I thought about was confidence.  I never had it.  I would slump and look at the floor.  I moved slow.  But now I noticed that has changed.  I walk more upright.  I try to look up and make eye contact with people.  I walk more briskly.  There is a confidence there.  I know that to anyone else, I still look big.  I'm sure there are still people out there that see me at a restaurant and think to themselves something rotten about me.  But I know the changes that have happened.  And so I am more confident in my daily life.  I guess that is what came through on picture day.

I would like to end this post by saying everything went great.  But that isn't true.  Even though I looked a lot smaller than I did at Christmas, I still am over 300 pounds.  So I still look big in the pictures.  And my shirt spreads too much at the stomach in most of the ones with Heather.  That was the first thing I noticed.  And I want to crop them so I don't have to see that.  The pictures, unfortunately, remind me of how far I have to go.  But they also are a reminder of how far I've come.

And for those of you wanting to see the pictures (especially of my awesome cute kids) - trust me, they'll go up as soon as possible.