299.8

There are certain big weight milestones.  For each person it is different.  Obviously, most people gravitate towards round numbers - ending in 5 or 0.  But there are emotional connections with certain weights as well.  When I first got back down to 330, that was a big deal.  It was actually a little depressing.  That was where I STARTED on my last two efforts.  So I had dropped 25 pounds and was right back where I started five years ago.  When I hit 50 pounds, it was a big deal - just because 50 is a big number.  I still was 305, but that is a good milestone.

I was slowly inching towards one of my biggest milestones the last couple weeks.  I actually hit 300.4 and stayed there for five days or so.  It was like it was taunting me.  I could say I was AT 300 pounds.  But I hadn't cracked that number yet.  Well, on Tuesday, I finally did.  299.8.  Sure, according to the laws of rounding, it still is 300.  But on the scale it read as under.  So I claim victory on that point.

300 pounds is a HUGE deal.  I don't really remember when I crossed it originally - some time when I was living in Tampa.  I can honestly say that during those four plus years, I never weighed unless I was at a doctor's office.  And I never was at a doctor's office unless I HAD to be.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times I visited a doctor in those - and one of them was actually a visit to the hospital for unexplained back pains.  (They never did figure it out.)  So I can't really track when I hit milestones on the way up.

Being over 300 pounds is a horrible feeling - something I would never encourage anyone to do.  There is a huge stigma associated with that weight - and with good reason.  Unless you are a professional athlete or giant, there is not really a good reason to be that heavy.  Our bodies are not created to carry that much bulk.  I am a big guy.  Even when I lose weight, I still will be a big guy.  I'm 6'2" or 6'3".  I have big bones.  I have a large frame.  But I can honestly tell you that my body was breaking down toting the amount of excess weight I had.   Even now, at 299.8, I know that my body is straining under the weight.  I am far from done.

I know that in my own body, that 300 is the dividing line between overweight and out of control.  There is just something about the total.  [That isn't to slam people who are over 300 pounds.  I am just talking about myself and my own thoughts.]  There isn't anything magical about crossing the barrier.  It is all a mental thing.

That is one of the biggest lessons I have learned in this whole thing.  Weight loss is not so much about waist size as brain power.  In times past, I have demonstrated an ability to lose weight.  But I have not shown that I can maintain that loss or that I can actually control my desires.  This time, it is like a switch flipped in my head.  And I was able for the first time ever to just draw the line and not cross it.  People still ask me how I'm doing - especially on rough days like today.  "You doing okay with the food?"  But, right now, the thought of me turning to my trouble foods in time of stress is just as improbable as downing a beer.  This afternoon I was VERY stressed.  It seemed like the weight of all the problems in my life came crashing down on me.  I also had not eaten very much today.  So there was that  moment when I felt my body pushing me to eat something to "make things all better."  I truly was hungry, I was weak, and I was needing a boost.  So I grabbed two handfuls of my trail mix blend and ate a banana with peanut butter.  Hunger was disolved.  It didn't solve any of the other many issues weighing me down, but neither would have a Resee's peanut butter egg or ice cream.  It was a mental victory.  Just like crossing the 300 pound barrier is a mental victory.  And that is one barrier I never want to have to cross again.