280

Of all the milestones that I have reached in this process, there is one that overshadows the others - 280 pounds.  That is what I have been aiming for.  A lot of people have said they are impressed by the weight I have lost thus far.  They are very encouraging.  My mom calls me skinny.  Other people have said I look like a different person - half the man I used to be.  But, honestly, I have not been that impressed.  I've been pleased, but not truly satisfied with my efforts.  I have been pushing to hit 280.  To me, that is the first time that I have actually succeeded.  

Why that number?  It signifies something very important to me.  I have dieted before - quite successfully, mind you.  My body responds well to regimented meal and food plans.  However, I have never had the commitment to permanently alter my lifestyle.  I always found a way to bend my food desires into a diet model.  Eventually, those bad habits won out and the diet wrecked.  In these past efforts, I had a weight that seemed to be the point where I bottomed out.  280.  I have not been lower that 280 in a very very long time.  I honestly can't remember when the last time was.  I have never been a stickler for weighing.  My general goal is to avoid scales because they make me feel bad.  I have random memories of weights in my history.  I was 250 at some point in college, but I can't remember when.  I can't even remember how much I weighed in high school.  But 280 is a weight I remember clearly.

Not long after Heather and I got married, we moved to Orange Park from Tampa.  A whirlwind of circumstances had left us stunned.  We got married in August 2000.  I started having problems with the direction of our church, so I resigned resigned effective December 15, 2000.  We found out we were pregnant with Josiah a couple days later.  I was jobless.  The pregnancy was very hard on Heather, so she had to withdraw from classes at USF.  Finally we moved up to Orange Park with Heather's parents.  I got a job selling furniture at Rhodes Furniture.  Josiah was born at 2:11am on September 12, 2001.  Heather was in labor all day on September 11, as the world seemed to be collapsing all around us.  It was a very rough stretch for us.  Fourteen months earlier I was on a mission trip in Australia.  Now I was married with a child, living with my in laws, selling lousy furniture, watching the world I knew unravel.  

Somehow, though, I was losing a ton of weight.  I had been a desk jockey, more or less, for the last four years.  Graphic design does not lend itself to physical activity.  Neither does college ministry.  Lots of late hours, bad food, sitting around, playing video games.  So, when I had to start walking around a lot for my job, I started to burn calories.  That combined with the fact that Josiah only liked to go to sleep after being walked around by me for what seemed like an eternity.  Before I knew it, I had dropped to 280 pounds.  But it was at that point that I realized that I didn't have to hustle as much at the furniture store as I had been.  I also had made friends there, so I was eating lunch and/or dinner with them more.  Instead of packing PB&J, I was eating Firehouse Subs or Checkers (Rally's) burgers and shakes.  The weight went right back up.  

Years later, I had ballooned up to 330 pounds.  This was due to another desk jockey job, along with an even worse set of food habits.  There were almost always snacks in the office - candy on desks, donuts in the break room, birthday cake every couple weeks.  I was drinking a ton of soda - mainly Code Red Mountain Dew.  Orlando offered tons of restaurants to wreck myself in - Duffy's Subs, Pizzeria Uno, Mad Hatter Pizza, Lazy Moon Pizza, Donato's.  After Natalie was born, I for some bizarre reason decided to start Weight Watchers.  It was a huge success.  I dropped fifty pounds in four months - hitting 280 again.  But, that was where I derailed (as I explained in my posting on my birthday).  Before long, I was back to my old ways.  And the weight came back with a vengeance.  

I have not been below 280 pounds in a very long time - it could be as much as fifteen years.  Every time that I get there, I just yo-yo back up.  So, to me, this lifestyle change was not truly a success until I hit 280 pounds.  I wasn't going to really celebrate losing fifty pounds, because I still was over 300.  I wasn't even all that happy with going under 300 - since that was still so far from the lowest I had been in the last ten years.  I think, in my mind, the real victory would begin when I hit 280.  I would have hit the lowest I had been - and then "the real work could begin."  Everything to that point would have just been getting the car back on the road.  Once the number was 280, then I could start to venture into really getting where I need to be.  Getting down to 250 or 220 was not really attainable in my mind until I got to 280 first.  I think that is why I was so frustrated when things slowed down so much in the last two months - especially the last couple of weeks.  Friends have tried to encourage my by saying, "You had more to los this time to get there."  For some reason that didn't help me much.  It just highlighted how bad things had gotten.  I mean, I had to lose 25 pounds just to get to the level I STARTED at before.  So, even though getting to 280 meant I had lost 75 pounds, it still seems like something I had to do before this meant anything.

Well, today the scale read 280.4.  I thought that I would jump up and down.  But I didn't.  Instead, there was just a sense of relief.  There was a little fear also that I would bounce back up a few pounds like happened when I hit 300.  But it also brought a renewed sense of commitment.  I don't want to bottom out here.  I am far from done.  I want to hit 250 - that's my next goal.  I cannot believe that I am within striking distance of my college weight.  Even at the slower rate I am not at (five pounds a month), I still could reach that by the end of the year.  I would have lost 100 pounds in a year and dropped to a level I had not been in literally half of my life.  Those goals are actually feasible now.  There will be a big breath of relief once the scale reads 279, because that means the boundary has been crossed.  But, seeing that number on the scale meant a lot.  I have another chance to do what I couldn't those other times.  Like some frustrated hero who keeps geting to the same castle, only to get beaten back, I am back at the door again.  This time I will actually see things through.  The big fat dragon will be slain.  I finally am at the door to Darth Fatso's lair.  The next step is go kill that fat turd.

Blah

I've been at this for over five months, now.  And I've seen lots of progress.  In addition to the weight loss, which has been pretty substantial, I also have completely changed my tastes and approach to food.  I have been surprised to find that I have not cheated even one time.  The only times I have even had the chance to mess up - when no one would have blamed me, when there were no other options, when someone messed up an order - I have actually stayed strong and not given in.  I've gotten to the point where food that I used to eat is just inedible to me.  It is too sweet or too salty.  In the last couple weeks, I have tried to eat some food from a New Orleans style place and from a Chinese place.  Both of them were so salty that I actually did not finish them.  It was almost like a layer of salt on my tongue.  Not very appetizing.

So, by all levels of evaluation, this has been a raging success.  I would have thought that by this point, I could have stood on the deck of a battleship and declared, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"  But, I have been quite surprised to find that - like that incorrect presidential speech - I would have been premature in celebrating.  The last few days I have had a very hard time mentally in keeping on track.  No, I still have not messed up.  But there has been almost a constant desire to.  Every meal, I want to just give up and eat something I shouldn't.  Each morning, as I get the kids' breakfast ready, my mind tries to get me to eat a Pop Tart or a waffle or some cereal.  And when I grab my yogurt, it is with resignation and disappointment.  With all of our standard summer traveling, it has been hard to keep up our meal routine.  It used to be that I would make something for dinner (pulled pork, london broil, turkey breast, chicken breasts).  That would generate enough leftover meat, veggies, and rice for me to have for lunch later.  But we have been thrown off our schedule.  So now, it has been hard to find lunch for me.

I make the kids' lunch, and then I have to find something for me - which is increasingly difficult.  Yesterday, for example, I made the kids and Heather grilled cheese sandwiches.  I kind of picked at a few things.  Pretty unsatisfying.  Dinner is usually okay.  If I have stuff planned, then all is well.  But when the days don't work enough to plan, well that is a problem.  I made the rest of the family pizza on Friday night. I had a yogurt.  You know how hard it is to sit there and make a pizza, smell the pizza, serve the pizza, and then see leftover pizza - all while knowing you get a container of yogurt?

All of this has been compounded by two other issues.  First was the peanut butter problem I addressed in my last post.  Since I lost peanuts and peanut butter, I lost a vital part of my routine.  Finding a replacement has been tough.  [By the way, I tested my peanut theory last night.  I hadn't had it all week and had some last night.  My mouth started burning and my throat felt like something was stuck in it.  I don't think it is worth playing around.]  I got a container of cashews and a back of tropical trail mix at Sam's.  They are soooo good that I actually snack TOO much with them.  I have tried to cut back, but it has been hard.  This all has contribute to the second issue.  The weight loss has, understandably, slowed down.  My last four week measurement cycle only saw a five pound loss.  This four week cycle will probably be around that.  I have been slowly drifting toward 280, but every so often I bounce back up a couple pounds due to salt or snacks.

This is very frustrating.  Friday it boiled over to some point.  On the 18th, I weighed 281.  On the 21st I was 282.  On the 25th I was 284.  (Yesterday I was back down to 282.)  Gaining three pounds in a week was so frustrating - even though I knew a bunch of it was sodium.  I kind of lost it.  "This is ridiculous!  I gain three pounds when I'm doing this right?  I even cut out peanut butter and gained weight?!? All because I had the nerve to eat some CASHEWS and FREAKING DRIED FRUIT!?!?"  That is very annoying.  If I had eaten a piece of a cake or cookies or a donut, I could at least understand.  "Well, I DID eat a donut, so I guess that is understandable."  But when I turned down those things and still went up?  That stinks.

Last night was the hardest night for me since the beginning of the whole process.  We went to Chick Fil A to give the kids a chance to play at the playground there.  I had planned on getting some BBQ on the way there, but that didn't work out.   From the moment we got into the restaurant, it was a mental war.  Just so you understand, even though Chick Fil A has a reputation as a better fast food place, it still has horrible options for me.  It is all sandwiches, with a few salads.  Their salads all are pre-made, so they have cheese on them.  And they come with a small amount of pre-cut cold chicken.  They never run sales.  And they are more expensive than most places.  For me, it is one of the worst options.  The only choice I really have there is a grilled chicken sandwich without the bun, with a bowl of fruit.  However, like at most fast food places, the grilled chicken is not very good.  It is small and very salty.  (It may not seem small when perched on a big ole bun with a huge side of fries.  But laying by itself, it looks pretty lame.)

The other problem is that they have a new spicy chicken sandwich.  It is fried.  If you have followed this blog, you probably understand the way my mind has always worked.  If a restaurant introduces a new sandwich that looks good to me, my brain will continue to come up with ways to try it until I have had it.  Usually, that happens within the first week.  Well, I wanted to try the spicy chicken sandwich.  But that was not an option.  It was fried, on bread, with cheese on it.  But there was a massive battle within my brain.  I didn't want the grilled chicken.  I wanted the spicy chicken.  However, the part that has changed kept on keeping me from getting the spicy.  I didn't order anything.  Heather and the kids ordered and ate.  The kids went to play.  The whole time there was a storm swirling in my head.  "Spicy chicken!  No!  Wait and get BBQ on the way home!  NO!  I WANT SPICY CHICKEN!!!  YOU AREN'T GETTING SPICY CHICKEN YOU FAT TURKEY!!!"  I knew it was getting later and we had to go to Target after, so getting BBQ wasn't an option.  Finally, I forced myself to go up and get two grilled sandwiches and eat just the lettuce, tomato, and chicken.  Just as I had expected, it was wholly unsatisfying and salty.

It is moments like those when it is very hard to keep this going.  I battle and fight and war.  I try to do things right.  There are so many conflicts in my head that no one knows about.  I feel guilty for eating too many nuts.  I think I'm doing something wrong for having "too much frozen yogurt."  Then there is stuff like last night, when I could have easily messed up and no one would have blamed me.  But I manage to stay strong.  And then I don't lose weight anyway.  That gets frustrating.  The challenge for all of this is realizing that it is not a short term option.  I can't take a break.  There is probably not going to be a day when I can have pizza or ice cream or burgers again.  This isn't just about weight loss.  It is about breaking the hold food had on me.  Weeks like this past one realize just how strong that hold really was - and how THAT mission is far from accomplished.

Allergy

I am allergic to several things.  Well, according to the allergist I saw down in Orlando a few years ago, I am not technically allergic to anything.  He put me through the full roster of tests - the blood test, the nicks on your arm and back.  At the end, he told me that I wasn't allergic to anything, but that I had a higher than average sensitivity to some things like dust mites and mold.  When I asked him how it was possible that I wasn't testing allergic to things that really messed me up, he told me that the only way to be sure was to do a controlled test.  Basically, drag me in there and have me consume the offending food and see if it hurts me.  I thought this was a pretty stupid suggestion, since I had a hospital visit that should have accomplished the same thing.  [And people wonder why I don't hold doctors in the highest esteem - except for my wife and the people associated with the FSU College of Medicine who are all awesome.]

So, I guess to be correct, I have heightened sensitivity to several things.  Allergies can manifest themselves in many ways.  They can trigger outbreaks of hives.  They can cause swelling, intestinal distress, anaphylactic shock.  Fun stuff.  At the most simple, though, allergies are highly annoying.  They force you to be vigilant about food - and it makes you miss out on foods.  My worst attack ever came from some stupid cook/waitress combo at Cracker Barrel messing up my order.  My allergies (sorry, sensitivities) have different levels of severity.

EGGS: This is the big bad momma.  I used to eat eggs all the time.  In college, I made omelettes for dinner and had bacon egg and cheese biscuits about five times a week from McDonald's.  I also had unbelievably bad indigestion all the time and irritable bowels.  I never connected anything until I started having really bad attacks after eating eggs.  Vomiting, swelling up, trouble breathing.  I finally realized that a lot of the digestive trouble I had in college was actually egg problems (like in the mayo I used on every sandwich).  I finally landed in the hospital once (the aforementioned Cracker Barrel experience).  After that, I stopped eating any form of eggs - except in some baked goods.  Now, through this effort, I haven't consumed anything with eggs in it at all - since the only things I had them in I don't eat now.

NUTRASWEET: This one was the source of a lot of problems for me.  Doctors refuse to admit people have this issue.  They say that Nutrasweet is not something you can be allergic to.  My brother explained it actually is an inability to process certain amino acids correctly.  But, in middle school, I thought I was going to die.  Massive weight fluctuations, intense chest pains, stomach pains, degenerating eye sight, spasms and seizures, irregular heartbeat.  No one could diagnose anything.  Eventually I had one doctor just write me off as fabricating everything in my mind.  When we went back to tell him it was Nutrasweet, he said, "Well I'm glad you found something to blame so you could get over it."  (He wan't impressed by the book of research we had compiled on the topic, either.)  After I quit eating Nutrasweet in eighth grade, I only had it once.  The intense stomach cramps showed me I needed to avoid it.  So I haven't had it in over twenty years.

CINNAMON: This one in particular the doctor told me was not possible.  I asked him to explain how those cinnamon brooms in Publix will burn my throat and cause me to lose my voice.  He didn't know.  I know that if I have too much cinnamon in something, it will literally blister my mouth.  When I worked in Tampa, I was chewing cinnamon gum a lot, since it was the only flavor without Nutrasweet.  I kept wondering why my mouth was burned.  I tried to remember when I had scalded myself with pizza.  But it wasn't hot pizza.  It was the gum.  Every time I chewed Big Red, my mouth would literally burn.  So, I learned to avoid foods with a lot of cinnamon.  Now, it isn't an issue since most foods with cinnamon are on my "no no" list.

SHELLFISH:  This was one of the most painful ones.  I never had a problem with shellfish.  Since I never was a huge fan of standard fish, shellfish was my go-to at a seafood place.  Shrimp, crawfish, lobster, crab.  I loves all of those things.  One night I had all-you-can-eat shrimp with a friend in Gainesville and then had to drive back to Orlando.  The whole way, I was having something similar to my egg attacks.  When I asked the doctor, he said that some people have food sensitivities.  It is almost like their body can handle a certain amount of that food.  Once they hit that limit, they start to have problems.  The reactions begin small, but they get worse and worse.  Finally, they get into the really scary ones.  This is what happened with eggs with me.  He said a huge amount of one of these foods could trigger a reaction, and prematurely cause problems.  (AYCE shrimp would qualify, in case you wondered.)  In light of the egg problem, he suggested that I be proactive and avoid shellfish all together. That would mean it never got to the anaphylactic shock level - basically securing me a buffer in case of accidental exposure.  That was seven years ago, and I've maybe had three shrimps since then.

So, that is my list of allergies.  It is annoying, to be sure.  Things would have been a lot easier in changing my eating habits if I could have eggs or Nutrasweet or shellfish.  For example, I am pretty much stuck having yogurt for breakfast, since I don't have any options.  Friends of mine doing similar food plans can have egg white omelets.  Not me.  Diet soda, or even diet juice, would be a welcome change from water all the time.  But that wasn't a choice.  (Now, though, I'm glad I didn't rely on those things.  It is one less area for problems.)

In the last couple of weeks, I have begun to notice something disturbing, though.  I am worried that I am developing a sensitivity to peanuts.  Now, for those of you following this effort, you understand how devastating that it to me.  I have credited four foods for helping me get through this whole process: yogurt, chili, bbq, and peanut butter.  I eat peanuts every day.  I have a can of peanuts that I will snack on during the day.  I have trail mix with peanuts in it.  And, every night I have some sort of dessert with peanut butter.  It may be a banana with peanut butter on it.  Sometimes I melt peanut butter and dip fruit in it.  Or I will make a peanut butter yogurt dip.  I even came up with a frozen peanut butter dipped banana pop.

But, lately, when I eat peanuts or peanut butter, I have these little things I pick up on.  Sometimes my mouth will tingle.  Or my lips will feel a little swollen.  There are times when I start coughing a little, or feel like there is something stuck in my throat.  The last few days, I have even had intestinal issues.  This week, I am running a test of it.  I am not eating anything with peanuts in it.  After I am sure my body has flushed anything with peanuts, I will try something and see what happens.

I am trying to be careful and not expose myself too much to it, since I know how fast my egg sensitivity accelerated.  And peanut allergies are scary stuff.  I already am up to Epi-Pen level concern with eggs.  I don't want to get to the point where peanut dust can trigger a reaction.  This is pretty big blow, as you might imagine.  I have really come to rely on peanut products to help me get through this.  To suddenly lose one of my major supports is pretty scary.  I am going to try to make it work.  I bought a container of cashews at Sam's today.  And I found a new trail mix without peanuts in it.  I will get a jar of almond or cashew butter at the store.  But, let's face it, that is a far cry from Jif.  And it is sooo much more expensive.  Obviously, I am not going to play around with this.  It isn't worth eating peanuts and risking my life.  It is just disheartening.

Purple Chicken, Red Potatoes, with a Side of Guilt

Tonight I was experimenting with a chicken dish.  The other day, Publix had Ken's salad dressings BOGO (buy one, get one).  I don't buy everything that is BOGO.  But if I can actually see myself using it, I take full advantage of the BOGO.  Plus, I love writing BOGO.  BOGO BOGO BOGO.  I'll stop.

Anyway, I bought two Ken's dressings because I use them as marinades.  Salad dressing works great as a marinade.  And the dressing syndicate has figured this out.  So now they put dressing in a bottle with different labels and sell them in the marinade section.  Seriously - look at it next time.  Try to tell me what the difference is.  (Get to the point.)  One of the flavors I got was a Blueberry Pomegranate Vinaigrette.  I thought it would be great with chicken or fish.  Today, I threw three boneless skinless chicken breasts in a bag with the dressing and let it soak.

When I took the chicken out, I noticed that it was pink.  Well, magenta.  It looked kind of like the color of a red beet pickled egg.  When I put it in the pan to cook, I also decided to pour the rest of the marinade into the pan.  And, I dumped the rest of an older pint of blueberries into the pan - to get rid of them.  As the chicken cooked, it went from magenta to flat out purple.  The outside was a deep purple.  Scared the snot out of the kids.  I tried to convince them that it was a cool thing.  But they were already on guard.  I tried to just cook the chicken like I usually do - seared on a high temp for a few minutes and then cooked with a lid at a low temp for the rest of the time.  But it wasn't working - the searing wouldn't take.  Anyway, I ended up having the sauce boil out of the pan once.  (It almost happened twice.)  I also got purple splatter on one of my five shirts that fit right.  (YAY!)

At the same time as I was doing this, I was making corn on the cob and red potatoes.  The corn was actually done and just sitting in the hot water.  I had accidentally started it about fifteen minutes too early.  (My brain was not working right tonight.)  I went to make the potatoes and couldn't figure out how to make them.  I couldn't remember if I ever had made baby red potatoes.  My mom used to make a good dill potato dish with red potatoes.  But I couldn't remember what to do.  Heather said, "Just roast them."  Dur.  (As I said, my brain was out of it for some reason.)  I lightly poured olive oil on the potatoes, sprinkled dill and 4 Rivers Smokehouse Seasoning on it.  And I roasted those dudes.

The kids were not on board.  We had purple chicken, these weird red potatoes, and corn - which has been on Natalie's bad list since she has loose teeth.  I was worried also.  Sure, the look was weird.  (Purple chicken is NOT attractive.)  But the potatoes were just there haunting me.  I haven't had potatoes in five months.  It was never because I had an addiction level problem with potatoes.  In fact, I never considered potatoes much of a favorite item.  I would inhale french fries.  But when it came to potatoes in general - I felt pretty in control of the quantity I ate.  Well, unless they were covered with bacon, sour cream, butter, or the contents of a steak sub.

But potatoes fell into my voluntary starch embargo.  As I explained before, I am actually taking a two prong approach to my food battle.  I am completely avoiding the foods I have discovered to be things I am addicted to, emotionally attached to, or unable to control the quantity of.  Then I also am not eating most starches (bread, potatoes, breading).  This is to reduce my dependence on them - and to accelerate the weight loss by forcing my body to burn off fat deposits.  So, I really don't HAVE to follow the "No Starch" rule.  It is an optional thing - but it is something that I treat with the same seriousness as the addiction foods.  My concern, knowing myself as I do, is that if I am too lenient with myself I will wreck.

Tonight, I had no desire to also cook rice, just because I couldn't eat the potatoes.  I decided that I would have some of the potatoes - but just be really careful on how many.  (Even though I never gorge on potatoes.)  They came out really good.  Actually, the whole meal was very good.  The chicken had a great fruity flavor.  And the inside of it was still white instead of being purple the whole way through.  However, instead of enjoying the small amount of potatoes I had, I sat there and felt guilty as I was eating them.

I was stressing that eating the two little taters was going to set me off on a starch wolfing bender.  Next thing I know, I'll be passed out in Publix after inhaling a whole can of Idahoan instant potato flakes.  It is ridiculous.  But I have a problem.

I am very good at being very legalistic with myself (and others).  When it comes time to just lay down the law, I can do that.  This has been proved many times over - my approach to alcohol, my movie fast of about ten years ago, this food effort.  The problem is when I try to work some freedom or leniency into the whole thing.  That is something I have trouble with.  It is like I am a car.  It is easy for me to sit there with my foot clamped onto the brake pedal - completely stopping my moving at all.  But, when I take my food off the brakes at all, the car just has always raced away.  There is no quarter impulse power (for you Star Trek fans).  It is either All Stop or Warp Ten.  My biggest challenge at this point of my effort is to learn how blend strictness with freedom.

For those of you who have read this blog for a long time, you realize that this is a very common theme in the posts.  I have battled this with frozen yogurt, with brown rice, with peanut butter, with vanilla yogurt.  Every time I come upon a food that is trying to cross from "avoidance for non-addiction reasons" to "eat with caution," I go through a ton of guilt and self-doubt.  The sad things is that I don't even WANT to bring potatoes back into the fold.  They add nothing to me.  I don't like them enough to bring them back. They are just trouble waiting to happen.  But I also don't want to feel like a cheating turd because I decide to eat them twice a year.

I'm not sure why it bothered me so much.  I've been wrestling with a lot of mental warfare the last couple of days.  Yesterday was one of my worst days in a LOOOONG time.  The whole day was terrible.  Gabe busted his lip.  My wedding ring got mangled in the garbage disposal.  We got charged for something we didn't order.  And there was a lot of kid-related issues.  By the end of the day, I was so hungry (after only having a yogurt and two bananas all day) that I just wanted to go and eat something without thinking about it.  "Go get a hamburger!  It's just one night!  No big deal!"  I haven't had to fight those thoughts off in months!  I was kind of surprised that kind of attack was still in there.  I ultimately just had some soup, to diffuse the attack.  Maybe that was why I was so tough on myself today.  [I wouldn't eat at Chick Fil A because I couldn't come up with something to get without feeling bad or not getting enough food.]  I guess this is the cost of trying to do this right.

Freedom is two sided.  On one hand, freedom means that I am free to NOT do things wrong.  I don't have to do the stupid things that had defined me so much.  I am free form that prison.  But, freedom also means that I don't have to be legalistic.  If the food is not one of those "Never under any circumstances" foods, then I should be free to partake of it  - in a healthy and controlled manner.  That is the freedom that I am still trying to get a handle on.

I just never thought I would be more comfortable eating purple chicken than red potatoes.

Mental Roller Coaster

So much of this process is mental.  It is changing the way I think about food and life.  I think that is why in the past I never succeeded long term, even when I was doing well short term.  I may have found ways to plug things into the diet formula.  But it never actually translated into thinking differently about things.  I still craved foods and saw the diet as a short term proposal.  I couldn't wait until I got off the diet and could eat the same way again.  That is one thing that is definitely different this time - I have somehow been able to see this as a permanent life change.  It was a mental step before a single food choice.

And, as I talk to people who have come to me over the last few months about diets and such, I can see that the number one problem most people have is that they mentally are not willing to make a long term change.  There are several guys I know who are in the same boat as me - naturally bigger guys carrying too much weight and desperately addicted to certain unhealthy foods.  This is a BIG problem for guys.  It is socially acceptable for guys to consume more food and to eat more "manly foods."  So they get drawn to big hefty foods - giant burritos, triple burgers, mammoth butter drenched steaks.  And breaking that addiction is their big struggle.  How can they start eating "sissy foods" like salads and soups and quiche?

That is one reason the Atkins' Diet is such a big draw for guys.  You can still eat horrible food and see weight drop off.  By depriving yourself of carbs, you can slim down fast.  And the menu is stuffed full of man-friendly foods.  Going to a fast food place?  Grab a triple cheeseburger and take the bun off.  Get the biggest steak you can at a steak place.  Pour cheese on everything.  You don't have to worry about calories or fat.  Just avoid carbs.  (This even includes fruit and veggie based carbs.)  But, it does not teach a person to eat differently.  It just is cheating the system.  And the second you go off the diet, you gain everything back.  If anything, you are in WORSE shape because it fed the addiction.  You can't go back to regular cheeseburgers, now that you have spend months eating triples.

It is a mental effort - even more than a physical one.  Most of the battle is fought - and, subsequently, won and lost - in the mind.  This is true of any addiction.  It just requires seeing the food battle as a true addiction battle.  Each food choice must be considered carefully.  You can't even grab a handful of snacks without thinking through it first.  What exactly is this I am about to eat?  Will this cause me a problem?  Is this a food that I have a problem controlling my intake of?  Is this food close to a problem food for me?  will it trigger a desire in me I can't handle?

For example, Frosted Mini Wheats brought out Chocolate Bite Size Mini Wheats a while back.  We finally let the kids try them about two or three months ago.  They loved them.  So, we frequently have them in the house.  My argument is that they are still mini wheats, which is one of the better cereals.  And they are a better snack than cookies or brownies.  So the kids have them for breakfast and sometimes for snacks - especially Gabe, who loves having them.  They are cereal.  And they are a healthier cereal.  But I refuse to even try them.  Why?  They are chocolate.  I don't want to introduce that product into my world again.  Chocolate cereal is just too dangerous for me.  I also am not eating cereal, due to the carbs.  I could come up with arguments why that would be okay.  But I feel there is danger there.  The only chocolate I ever have is in the Stonyfield Farms Fat Free Chocolate Underground yogurt, when I mix it with peanut butter as a fruit dip.  And, trust me, if you ranked that product on the chocolate flavor scale, it would be right down on the bottom near chocolate scratch and sniff stickers.

That is the kind of vigilance that is necessary.  There cannot be stray snacking or ingredients.  I have to know what I'm eating.  I don't write something off and say, "Oh no biggie.  There was hardly any on there."  Like when someone puts cheese on my salad.  Grrrr.  Now, there is definitely a down side to this kind of mental hyper-sensitivity.  There are times when that kind of careful approach leads to constantly second guessing myself - especially if things don't go well.  Every time I come to a kind of "gray area" food, it is a huge mental fight.  This happened when I decided to add in peanut butter, switch to vanilla/flavored yogurt from plain, eat beans again, bring back rice.  I would wrestle within my brain over whether or not it was okay for me to bring those foods in.  I would feel guilty once I did.  If there was any kind of glitch with my weight, I would freak out.  And then, finally, I would realize things were fine and I needed to get a grip on my weirdness.

Let me give you an example of this mental roller coaster.  Things have been a little out of the ordinary for us for the last week or so.  Last Monday, I drove down to Orlando for four days.  That meant that I was eating out a lot, away from my comfort zone.  On Thursday, I drove to Tampa to drop off a computer with my mom.  I drove back home that same day.  On Friday, we drove over to Orange Park for the weekend with Heather's family.  We spent the day in St. Augustine on Saturday.  Monday night, we came back home.  This week, the kids have their last week of school.  They get out at lunch time, so that throws off schedules.  So, for the last week and a half, I have been confronted by all kinds of dangerous situations.  Pizza.  Brownies.  Bread and chips on the table at restaurants.  Grocery stores out of town.  Not having my stash of snack foods.  Weird schedules that affect meal times.  Favorite restaurants that had trouble meals I used to eat a lot.  And tons of driving - long boring drives.  I could have wrecked in a huge manner - and it would have been "understandable."  But I didn't.  I had BBQ.  I had fajitas (without cheese, sour cream, or tortillas).  I made yogurt dip.  It actually was another big victory.  But, was I happy?  No.  I found myself upset this morning - beating myself up about frozen yogurt.

Frozen yogurt is the lastest food I wrestle with myself about.  On one level, it is just yogurt.  It has fewer calories than ice cream.  It isn't that much different than the yogurt I am eating at night.  I can top it with fruit and nuts.  And, there is an explosion of places that sell frozen yogurt.  I found three in Orlando.  There are four up here in Tallahassee.  We even found one in St. Augustine.  But, it is awfully close to ice cream.  And, through my travels, I ended up having frozen yogurt three times in the last week.  Last night was the third time.  I took the family to TCBY.  And I beat myself up about it.  I didn't have anything wrong.  I had bananas, strawberries, peanut butter and yogurt.  But I was worrying that I was slipping into the ice cream trap.  I was getting beside myself by this morning - convinced that I had ruined everything.

On Friday, after my Orlando trip, I had weighed 287.0 pounds.  That was down about a pound from before my trip.  But, on Tuesday (yesterday), after the Orange Park trip, I was up to 288.6.  I had gained weight over the weekend.  So I sat there an analyzed everything I had eaten.  "It was probably the yogurt in St. Augustine.  Or the yogurt dip.  Maybe it was too many cherries or beans."  I was beating myself up.  And this morning, I was sure that I had done myself in yesterday.  The dessert had probably put me back up over 290.  Finally, I forced myself to weigh.  I try not to weigh except on Monday and Friday.  That keeps me from obsessing every day over my weight.  But, there are times when my mind is going absolutely nuts, that I force myself to get on the scale during the week.  It is to either validate the fears - and give me something sure to work from.  Or it is to cancel the fears, so I won't keep worrying.  That was what I needed to do today.

285.0

I don't understand how I lost 3.6 pounds since yesterday.  There probably was some water retention from all the driving.  Who knows.  All I know is that I hit seventy pounds lost with that weigh in.  It also, once again, helped to diffuse a worry I had about slightly expanding an acceptable food definition.  Frozen yogurt is okay.  But I do need to restrict it to a rarity.  It is too easy to mess up with that.  At least it is an okay option when everyone is getting dessert.

It's mental.  That is good and bad.  I don't like the mental gymnastics and thrashing.  But I wouldn't want to go back to mindless eating.  I am still learning how to be strict, and cut myself some slack.  I usually drift towards one or the other.  I can clamp down and ban things.  Or I can not care and just do whatever.  But it is hard to stay anchored in the middle - merciful strictness.  (Of course, that is the same kind of struggle I have as a parent.)  Even when the battle on the scale is being won, the one in the mind still rages strong.