There are times when genius is the result of deep thought, hard work, and relentless experimentation. I would say this would apply to chili. You think through it, tweak it, find new ways to make it even better. You discover that by using fresh roasted tomatoes instead of canned and adding a poblano pepper does indeed make a huge difference. You find ways to constantly improve. The same process is applied to grilling, smoking meat, making rubs, concocting bbq sauces. It is a relentless pursuit of unattainable perfection. I appreciate that kind of commitment. That is how places like 4 Rivers Smokehouse in Winter Park come into existence. (I realize I pimp this place like I owned it. But it is just that good. And if you live in Orlando, go buy some of their packaged rub. You have no reason not to. Your life will be better and tastier for it.)
Then, there are other times, where it is just plain dumb luck that creates genius. It is sitting there at the dinner table and just out of nowhere coming up with a plan for frozen peanut butter banana pops. Or just randomly creating peanut butter fondue. (Yes, I am aware that a lot of these involve peanut butter.) Or dumping a particular spice into something without understanding what you just did. I would even say deciding to use Greek yogurt to replace mayonaise in tuna and chicken salad would fall into this realm.
This morning, I had another one to drop into this category. With all of the traveling I have been doing, I have run out of fruit at the house. That has severely hurt my breakfast options. I usually throw fruit into plain yogurt for my morning meal. Without fruit, you are stuck with . . . well . . . plain yogurt. I realize I have changed my eating habits. But expecting me to eat plain yogurt is a bit much. I have some fat free vanilla yogurt also, which is what I have been eating lately. Today, though, that lightning strike of brilliance hit me. "Why isn't there such a thing as peanut butter yogurt?" I had no good answer. So I decided to try it.
Exact ingredients are not my strong suit. I usually wing it and try to figure it out later. I don't always use measuring spoons - as was the case this morning. We have three different sized spoons in our silverware set. There is the smaller normal sized spoon that I give the kids with their cereal. (I think this is called a teaspoon, but I don't know. I am not talking about the measuring teaspoon.) Then there is the larger spoon that I use when I eat chili or yogurt. Bigger mouth, bigger spoon. (Tablespoon? No idea.) Then there is the biggest spoon, that we use to serve veggies and stuff. (Serving spoon, I would assume.)
Today, I got the peanut butter and one of the second sized spoons - my size spoon. Oh, now here is another rabbit. Peanut butter - not all the same. We have been going through peanut butter pretty rapidly, what with it being my dessert (smeared on a banana or apple). Up to this point, we were finishing off a giant two pack of Jif from Sam's. I always have been a big Publix peanut butter fan. So, when we ran out, I went to Publix to get some more. I have decided to not use the organic or natural peanut butter. I have three reasons. First, you have to refrigerate it and stir it and all that stuff. Second, you really don't save a lot of calories or fat in it. Third, many of them taste like crud. So I made a conscious decision to stick with regular peanut butter - with all the evil sugar and salt in it. I guess that's my splurge. Anyway, I knew from reading the label that Jif is 190 calories for 2 tablespoons. Pretty hefty, but not bad for a dessert - if you view it that way, which I choose to. On a whim, I checked the Publix container. 210 calories. Wha? So I checked Peter Pan. 210. And I checked Smucker's Natural. 200 calories. (That surprised me.) Their organic was 210. Skippy was the only other 190 calorie one. So I got it, to mix things up and try a different flavor. And Skippy tastes completely different than Jif. Jif is actually sweeter. Skippy has a more robust peanut flavor. They are both fine, just different. Right now, we are using Skippy - in case that matters to all of this story.
Back to the concoction. I got a David spoon and the Skippy. I took a heaping spoonful and put it in a bowl and threw it in the microwave for 20 seconds. It didn't melt all of it, just enough that when I stirred it, it got really smooth and thinner. Then I grabbed the fat free Stonyfield Farms vanilla yogurt and stirred in two heaping David spoons. I mixed it all together until evenly distributed. At this point, it would have made a GREAT fruit dip. I added two more David spoons and mixed it up again. This made for a wonderful peanut butter yogurt to just eat. It wasn't too strong of peanut butter presence. It was just like a bowl of peanut butter yogurt.
My idea for the dip, though, is simple. Just do a 2:1 ratio of vanilla yogurt to peanut butter. Heat the peanut butter enough to thin it out. Then mix it in with the yogurt. The texture and strength of the resulting dip is perfect - not too runny or too thick. Then cut up some apples, bananas, celery. Put out little side bowls of raisins, craisins, dried blueberries (another amazing discovery I've had - Sunsweet Varietal blueberries). You can dip the celery in the dip, add some raisins. Good stuff. I can't wait to actually make it on a party scale. I just need a party to go to.
And yes, I did just write that big huge post to give you a two ingredient recipe.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Quick LInk
So I found this article on CNN.com today. "Fatty foods may cause cocaine-like addiction." It talks about how the response people have to fatty foods (like fast food) is close to the response to drugs. And then it also talks about how the refining process we use now for our foods is similar to how drugs have been purified for maximum oomph. Pretty interesting stuff. It also goes to prove what I have suspected about myself and my struggle. It is a true addiction - and this kind of proves it.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Lick The Salt
I have spent a lot of time analyzing food stuffs lately - trying to figure out the stranglehold that eating had on my life. I know that I had a food addiction. There were emotional attachments to food that were extremely unhealthy for me. As a result, I developed typical addiction problems with certain foods - with my brain desiring those foods during tough times . . . or happy times . . . or sad times.
But there is another layer of food attachment that had nothing to do with the emotional issues that I faced. And this attachment affects everyone. I remember in the movie So I Married an Axe Murderer, when the dad started ripping into Colonel Sanders.
I have noticed this over the last couple of months. Salt has been used for millennia to flavor and preserve food. It was how you got things to last past a few days. However, with the massive reliance on prepackaged and fast food, companies have taken this to an extreme. They have to make food that will last on a shelf or in a freezer or in a drive thru, so they dump a ton of salt - or similar chemicals - into the food. Salt is a very powerful taste - it doesn't take much to overwhelm something. It is very useful to highlight other flavors and bring out the true nature of some foods. (Example: Chocolate Chip Cookies. Salt plus chocolate makes chocolate better. It's true. Toll House are awesome because of the salt.) However, it very easily can become too strong.
We have numbed our tongues for so long that we don't even realize it any more. Things are so sweet now that we don't even realize what sweet is. We know what sickeningly sweet is, and kind of accept that as sweet. The same thing goes for salty. We take in so much salt that we think things are normal - when they actually are loaded with salt. And the weird thing about salt is that it doesn't just make us crave more salt - it also makes us crave more beverages too. This is the reason that bars put out peanuts or pretzels or wasabi peanuts. They are salty and make you want more to drink - to quench that thirst that salt brings. So, you are getting triple hammered. You want more salty foods, due to the thrill your tongue gets from the bold taste. You get numb to salt, so you need more to generate a taste. And then you consume too much to drink to offset the saltiness.
What got me really thinking about this was that today I took Gabers to Zaxby's for lunch. We had been running errands all over the place all day and were hungry. So we went there - I was hoping to find something there easier for me. And I knew he could get chicken and fries easy. They actually had several menu items I could have - or at least doctor them up to where I could have them. I ended up getting some wings and fried pickles. The wings were actually very good - and less offensive than my last try with them. The sauce was still heavy, but it was a different style. And the fried pickles were very good, but a little more greasy and breaded than the ones I had last week. Gabe got a couple of tenders and some fries. He was just picking at the chicken strips. I kind of wondered if they were too spicy, so I took a bite of one. The breading was actually kind of thin, and the chicken part was good. A couple of minutes later, I took a bite of the other one - since Gabe wasn't eating them. And then I stopped myself.
I was having this desire to eat the strips. I even began justifying in my head how that wouldn't be too bad, since they weren't heavily breaded or anything. I'm not addicted to chicken strips. I love chicken, but that is a good thing. But this was different than enjoying the food. I felt like I HAD to have it. There was this compulsion to eat the strips. I haven't had that feeling for weeks. And I didn't like it. I tried to identify what it was that was triggering that reaction. My mouth felt weird. And then I realized that it that the chicken was very salty. The blast of grease and chicken and seasoning had originally masked it. But the salty feeling lingered. And it was driving me right back to them.
Salt. That is the secret ingredient. I remember the one time I had KFC's atrocious Tender Grilled Pigeon. The salt in it nearly knocked me over. The other night I had some chili from Wendy's, and it seemed to have more salt in it than meat. I've already recorded my feelings about most fast food chicken - coated in salty bouillon spread. It becomes very frustrating to minimize salt intake. Heather will sometimes get Healthy Choice frozen dinners - they are easy to cook on the fly at school. But they are jammed with sodium. Most places dissolve an entire salt lick in their soups. It is kind of ridiculous.
Last night I made chili. (Yes, again. Don't judge me.) This time, I tweaked my recipe. I split the meat to half ground sirloin and half ground turkey. I added a poblano pepper (definite winner there). And then I made two switches that seemed minor. First, I couldn't find the Chili Base I was using, so I just seasoned it my way with Emeril's Essence and Southwestern Essence and other stuff. Second, I had roasted four cups of Roma tomatoes the other day and used those instead of the canned tomatoes. The chili was completely different. It tasted lighter and fresher. Part of the lightness was the turkey. But the freshness was undeniable. It was due to the pepper, somewhat. But a lot of it was the lack of salt in the tomatoes and seasoning. I had no idea, but the salt was giving my chili a kind of prepackaged taste to it. By reducing the overwhelming salt content, I actually made it taste better on several levels. (I already don't add any salt to offset the sodium in the base, chicken stock, and seasoning. This time, it really changed it.)
The thing about sodium is that it is really a scary thing in our bodies. It isn't like most foods, that can just make us fat or whatever. Salt will severely screw you up. It messes with your fluid levels and the delicate balance in the body. It raises blood pressure. It can make you dehydrated. It can make you retain water and actually gain weight. That's pretty messed up. I know that there have been times when I was driving a lot over a couple of days. I would eat out a lot (tons of sodium) and not drink enough water. By the end, I would feel horrible. I was getting dehydrated and my digestive system wasn't working right. All from salt content!
It is really interesting - and a testimony to how much I have changed - that I even think about this at all. I remember back in years past, I would get angry when my mom would try to reduce our salt levels. My dad's doctor had told him to reduce his intake, due to his blood pressure. He, of course, didn't care. But I would get just as angry as him. Why? Our food started to taste "bland." It wasn't actually bland. It was just that my taste buds were so accustomed to the salt that I hated it when it wasn't there. That was how I used to view things. But, now I really am starting to be concerned about the way that people close to me eat. Jamie Oliver's new show "Food Revolution" on ABC is a good example. It is trying to address the ridiculous eating habits in our country. When I see commercials for it, my first reaction is to get furious that this arrogant punk dares to tell me what to do. (That was my response to stuff like this for years like Supersize Me and Food Inc,) But then I wonder why it bothers me, since I have started to do the same thing for myself. It is hard to shake that mindset. It is so ingrained in our culture and our food choices. But we really have to get more aware of stuff like this. I know I do.
But there is another layer of food attachment that had nothing to do with the emotional issues that I faced. And this attachment affects everyone. I remember in the movie So I Married an Axe Murderer, when the dad started ripping into Colonel Sanders.
Stuart Mackenzie: Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"We all laughed at that scene - and the concept of a restauranteur slipping an addictive chemical into their food is hilarious. However, it is actually the truth. Many of the foods we consume have a whole cocktail of chemicals in them - things that our taste buds become so accustomed to that when we don't have them, we actually think the food doesn't taste good. This can be the ridonkulous amount of sugar crammed into a ton of foods. It can be the caffeine that is most beverages. There is also the artificial sweeteners, which are so sweet they actually make us crave sugar. Perhaps the biggest addictive chemical, though, is salt.
Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly!
I have noticed this over the last couple of months. Salt has been used for millennia to flavor and preserve food. It was how you got things to last past a few days. However, with the massive reliance on prepackaged and fast food, companies have taken this to an extreme. They have to make food that will last on a shelf or in a freezer or in a drive thru, so they dump a ton of salt - or similar chemicals - into the food. Salt is a very powerful taste - it doesn't take much to overwhelm something. It is very useful to highlight other flavors and bring out the true nature of some foods. (Example: Chocolate Chip Cookies. Salt plus chocolate makes chocolate better. It's true. Toll House are awesome because of the salt.) However, it very easily can become too strong.
We have numbed our tongues for so long that we don't even realize it any more. Things are so sweet now that we don't even realize what sweet is. We know what sickeningly sweet is, and kind of accept that as sweet. The same thing goes for salty. We take in so much salt that we think things are normal - when they actually are loaded with salt. And the weird thing about salt is that it doesn't just make us crave more salt - it also makes us crave more beverages too. This is the reason that bars put out peanuts or pretzels or wasabi peanuts. They are salty and make you want more to drink - to quench that thirst that salt brings. So, you are getting triple hammered. You want more salty foods, due to the thrill your tongue gets from the bold taste. You get numb to salt, so you need more to generate a taste. And then you consume too much to drink to offset the saltiness.
What got me really thinking about this was that today I took Gabers to Zaxby's for lunch. We had been running errands all over the place all day and were hungry. So we went there - I was hoping to find something there easier for me. And I knew he could get chicken and fries easy. They actually had several menu items I could have - or at least doctor them up to where I could have them. I ended up getting some wings and fried pickles. The wings were actually very good - and less offensive than my last try with them. The sauce was still heavy, but it was a different style. And the fried pickles were very good, but a little more greasy and breaded than the ones I had last week. Gabe got a couple of tenders and some fries. He was just picking at the chicken strips. I kind of wondered if they were too spicy, so I took a bite of one. The breading was actually kind of thin, and the chicken part was good. A couple of minutes later, I took a bite of the other one - since Gabe wasn't eating them. And then I stopped myself.
I was having this desire to eat the strips. I even began justifying in my head how that wouldn't be too bad, since they weren't heavily breaded or anything. I'm not addicted to chicken strips. I love chicken, but that is a good thing. But this was different than enjoying the food. I felt like I HAD to have it. There was this compulsion to eat the strips. I haven't had that feeling for weeks. And I didn't like it. I tried to identify what it was that was triggering that reaction. My mouth felt weird. And then I realized that it that the chicken was very salty. The blast of grease and chicken and seasoning had originally masked it. But the salty feeling lingered. And it was driving me right back to them.
Salt. That is the secret ingredient. I remember the one time I had KFC's atrocious Tender Grilled Pigeon. The salt in it nearly knocked me over. The other night I had some chili from Wendy's, and it seemed to have more salt in it than meat. I've already recorded my feelings about most fast food chicken - coated in salty bouillon spread. It becomes very frustrating to minimize salt intake. Heather will sometimes get Healthy Choice frozen dinners - they are easy to cook on the fly at school. But they are jammed with sodium. Most places dissolve an entire salt lick in their soups. It is kind of ridiculous.
Last night I made chili. (Yes, again. Don't judge me.) This time, I tweaked my recipe. I split the meat to half ground sirloin and half ground turkey. I added a poblano pepper (definite winner there). And then I made two switches that seemed minor. First, I couldn't find the Chili Base I was using, so I just seasoned it my way with Emeril's Essence and Southwestern Essence and other stuff. Second, I had roasted four cups of Roma tomatoes the other day and used those instead of the canned tomatoes. The chili was completely different. It tasted lighter and fresher. Part of the lightness was the turkey. But the freshness was undeniable. It was due to the pepper, somewhat. But a lot of it was the lack of salt in the tomatoes and seasoning. I had no idea, but the salt was giving my chili a kind of prepackaged taste to it. By reducing the overwhelming salt content, I actually made it taste better on several levels. (I already don't add any salt to offset the sodium in the base, chicken stock, and seasoning. This time, it really changed it.)
The thing about sodium is that it is really a scary thing in our bodies. It isn't like most foods, that can just make us fat or whatever. Salt will severely screw you up. It messes with your fluid levels and the delicate balance in the body. It raises blood pressure. It can make you dehydrated. It can make you retain water and actually gain weight. That's pretty messed up. I know that there have been times when I was driving a lot over a couple of days. I would eat out a lot (tons of sodium) and not drink enough water. By the end, I would feel horrible. I was getting dehydrated and my digestive system wasn't working right. All from salt content!
It is really interesting - and a testimony to how much I have changed - that I even think about this at all. I remember back in years past, I would get angry when my mom would try to reduce our salt levels. My dad's doctor had told him to reduce his intake, due to his blood pressure. He, of course, didn't care. But I would get just as angry as him. Why? Our food started to taste "bland." It wasn't actually bland. It was just that my taste buds were so accustomed to the salt that I hated it when it wasn't there. That was how I used to view things. But, now I really am starting to be concerned about the way that people close to me eat. Jamie Oliver's new show "Food Revolution" on ABC is a good example. It is trying to address the ridiculous eating habits in our country. When I see commercials for it, my first reaction is to get furious that this arrogant punk dares to tell me what to do. (That was my response to stuff like this for years like Supersize Me and Food Inc,) But then I wonder why it bothers me, since I have started to do the same thing for myself. It is hard to shake that mindset. It is so ingrained in our culture and our food choices. But we really have to get more aware of stuff like this. I know I do.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Wrong Darth
One of the most compelling scenes in Star Wars: Episode Five: The Empire Strikes Back: It Was So Much Easier Before We Had To Renumber These Things finds Luke Skywalker led into a cave by his Jedi Master Yoda. You can tell he senses danger, but his young padawan control of the force doesn't let him clearly see. He is soon struck with horror as he comes face to face with the evil Darth Vader. They engage in a light saber duel. Luke strikes down Vader. The head rolls towards Luke and then the mask blows off. Luke sees his own face inside - and realizes it wasn't the true enemy at all. Oh, I guess I should have said SPOILER ALERT for any of you who haven't found time to see that tiny film in the last 30 years.
I have heard lots of interpretations of this scene over the years. There are some people who say Luke is fighting his fear. Others say it symbolizes his battle against the Dark Side. And others claim it is Luke battling his heritage. This past weekend, something else struck me about this scene. I thought about all the energy and effort Luke spent battling something that wasn't even the real enemy. For that moment in the cave, he truly believed his life was at risk, that this was the ultimate danger. Only it wasn't. And, ultimately, Vader wasn't even the chief bad guy. This kind of became something I was thinking about in my own life after my experience down in Gainesville this weekend.
I was down at UF with about thirty guys - half college students - for the first Samson Society Men's Fraternity. For those of you who have not heard of The Samson Society, it is an amazing group that is trying to bring about authentic male accountability. Truly a great group started by Nate Larkin. I had a great time and really enjoyed it. As we shared, I starting thinking about my own life and the struggles in it. I thought about my battle with sensual imagery (I write it that way to not freak out web filters) - something that led to my co-creating Defender Ministries. I also thought about how I developed a real problem with movies - spending way too much time, money, and attention on films. And now there is the food issue.
I have been fighting like crazy against my food issue. The battle with Darth Fatso has been going well. For two months, I have avoided the foods that controlled me. I have lost a bunch of weight. I feel in control of my food for the first time ever. I actually am enjoying my new food approach - without the guilt that usually accompanied that level of enjoyment (you know, after eating a whole container of ice cream or a whole pizza). The battle is going great. Yet, this weekend, something bothered me.
Why the heck do I continue to get into the place where I am so easily ensnared? Why do I find myself addicted and imprisoned and out of control on things? I have been saved for over thirty years. I can honestly say that I have never turned my back on God and pursued other things. I don't have one of those testimonies that finds me in college getting drunk and ignoring church. I always have lived the life of a dedicated Christian. So, why in the heck do I constantly end up in the same place - trapped, imprisoned, addicted? I'm not talking about just sinning. Honestly, sometimes I wish it was just sin. Just a slip up here or there - something inconsequential. But it seems like I can't function that way. If I mess up, it has to be a big production and part of a monstrous destructive life choice.
I think the thing I'm worried about is what is going to happen once the weight/food issue is resolved? What is my life going to be like when Darth Fatso is dead? I would like to think that I will be able to strike out into a new way of life, one free of shackles. But, my life has not lent itself to that yet. I haven't gone from one addiction to the next - developing new problems when others were solved. They all have existed together for years. But when one is subdued, it is like one of the others rares up and begins to wreck havoc. Darth Fatso is just the latest evil iteration of myself that I have waged battle against. I already have dispatched Darth Pervert - for the most part. And I have banished Darth Oscar, where I really feel that movies are entertainment and nothing more. So, once Darth Fatso is struck down with vengeance and furious anger, will things finally be over? Or will another dude in a dark cloak and weird facial stuff show up?
I honestly worry about this. I already know that I have these ugly thoughts and impulses and desires inside of me - ones that have nothing to do with cake or bikinis or film reels. There is arrogance and pride and a love for adulation. Am I going to find myself battling Darth Snooty next? Or will it be Darth Notorious? Will I become a fame whore - striving for the very thing that drives me so crazy about modern ministers? I would like to think not. I would like to hope that I can avoid yet another battle with myself. But, I'm not so sure.
I think that I really need to dive into what exactly it is that make me so vulnerable. I'm not talking about just why do I want to eat a cheesecake or why do I want to look at pictures. I'm saying why exactly do I feel the need to become that dependent on ANYTHING. What am I doing wrong? At the crux of the matter, there has to be some need or desire that is laying there like an unquenchable thirst. Is it the crushing need for approval that I know is in there? Is it that I never felt that from my dad, so I look for it other places? Is it some sort of subconscious attempt to destroy myself? I really want to figure it out. I want to know what is really behind this. What is the Emperor Palpatine pulling the strings? That is what I really need to start battling. I need to turn my attentions onto that problem and finish this - which will then in turn help to eliminate the ugly minions that have made my life so miserable. It seems to me that the battle is changing. And I know this one will be the biggest of my life.
I have heard lots of interpretations of this scene over the years. There are some people who say Luke is fighting his fear. Others say it symbolizes his battle against the Dark Side. And others claim it is Luke battling his heritage. This past weekend, something else struck me about this scene. I thought about all the energy and effort Luke spent battling something that wasn't even the real enemy. For that moment in the cave, he truly believed his life was at risk, that this was the ultimate danger. Only it wasn't. And, ultimately, Vader wasn't even the chief bad guy. This kind of became something I was thinking about in my own life after my experience down in Gainesville this weekend.
I was down at UF with about thirty guys - half college students - for the first Samson Society Men's Fraternity. For those of you who have not heard of The Samson Society, it is an amazing group that is trying to bring about authentic male accountability. Truly a great group started by Nate Larkin. I had a great time and really enjoyed it. As we shared, I starting thinking about my own life and the struggles in it. I thought about my battle with sensual imagery (I write it that way to not freak out web filters) - something that led to my co-creating Defender Ministries. I also thought about how I developed a real problem with movies - spending way too much time, money, and attention on films. And now there is the food issue.
I have been fighting like crazy against my food issue. The battle with Darth Fatso has been going well. For two months, I have avoided the foods that controlled me. I have lost a bunch of weight. I feel in control of my food for the first time ever. I actually am enjoying my new food approach - without the guilt that usually accompanied that level of enjoyment (you know, after eating a whole container of ice cream or a whole pizza). The battle is going great. Yet, this weekend, something bothered me.
Why the heck do I continue to get into the place where I am so easily ensnared? Why do I find myself addicted and imprisoned and out of control on things? I have been saved for over thirty years. I can honestly say that I have never turned my back on God and pursued other things. I don't have one of those testimonies that finds me in college getting drunk and ignoring church. I always have lived the life of a dedicated Christian. So, why in the heck do I constantly end up in the same place - trapped, imprisoned, addicted? I'm not talking about just sinning. Honestly, sometimes I wish it was just sin. Just a slip up here or there - something inconsequential. But it seems like I can't function that way. If I mess up, it has to be a big production and part of a monstrous destructive life choice.
I think the thing I'm worried about is what is going to happen once the weight/food issue is resolved? What is my life going to be like when Darth Fatso is dead? I would like to think that I will be able to strike out into a new way of life, one free of shackles. But, my life has not lent itself to that yet. I haven't gone from one addiction to the next - developing new problems when others were solved. They all have existed together for years. But when one is subdued, it is like one of the others rares up and begins to wreck havoc. Darth Fatso is just the latest evil iteration of myself that I have waged battle against. I already have dispatched Darth Pervert - for the most part. And I have banished Darth Oscar, where I really feel that movies are entertainment and nothing more. So, once Darth Fatso is struck down with vengeance and furious anger, will things finally be over? Or will another dude in a dark cloak and weird facial stuff show up?
I honestly worry about this. I already know that I have these ugly thoughts and impulses and desires inside of me - ones that have nothing to do with cake or bikinis or film reels. There is arrogance and pride and a love for adulation. Am I going to find myself battling Darth Snooty next? Or will it be Darth Notorious? Will I become a fame whore - striving for the very thing that drives me so crazy about modern ministers? I would like to think not. I would like to hope that I can avoid yet another battle with myself. But, I'm not so sure.
I think that I really need to dive into what exactly it is that make me so vulnerable. I'm not talking about just why do I want to eat a cheesecake or why do I want to look at pictures. I'm saying why exactly do I feel the need to become that dependent on ANYTHING. What am I doing wrong? At the crux of the matter, there has to be some need or desire that is laying there like an unquenchable thirst. Is it the crushing need for approval that I know is in there? Is it that I never felt that from my dad, so I look for it other places? Is it some sort of subconscious attempt to destroy myself? I really want to figure it out. I want to know what is really behind this. What is the Emperor Palpatine pulling the strings? That is what I really need to start battling. I need to turn my attentions onto that problem and finish this - which will then in turn help to eliminate the ugly minions that have made my life so miserable. It seems to me that the battle is changing. And I know this one will be the biggest of my life.
Friday, March 19, 2010
What Am I? Pregnant?
I feel like I kind of disappeared there for a while. I guess I posted on Monday, but I wanted to put this one up the other day and couldn't. I was in Orlando for a Defender Ministries event. I was staying at the LaQuinta on Lee Road and I-4. This is important for several reasons. First of all, most La Quinta hotels have made it very clear that La Quinta is Spanish for "Free Wireless Internet" or "Free Breakfast" or "Cheap and Not Creepy." Well, apparently the LQ at Lee Road and I-4 speaks a different dialect of Spanish. In their dialect, La Quinta means "Constantly Broken WiFi" and "Towel Racks That Tear Off the Wall" and "Closets That Can't Close" and "Many Rooms Smell Like Feet." I guess some La Quintas don't have to use the same language. Like the one on Sidco Road in Nashville, where La Quinta means "Train Comes By at 3:30, 5:00, and 6:30."
Anyway, I was unable to do much blogging. (I hate typing 2,000 words on my iPhone.) But that is now going to be remedied. I promise here and now to post a blog every single day until I go out of town again - which will be this afternoon around 4pm when I go to Gainesville.
I have begun to wonder what exactly is going on with my taste buds lately. It kind of caught me off guard. Over the last nine weeks, I have begun to like foods that I never would eat. In fact, I like some of them so much that they have become new favorites. The only time I have seen this happen in a person is when they are pregnant. I have heard about pregnant ladies desperately craving foods that they detested. Of course, they usually blame it on the baby. "The baby wants asparagus. The baby likes turnip greens. The baby wants donuts." (That last one is probably not just the baby.) I remember on the show Friends, when Phoebe got pregnant, her babies "wanted" meat - quite a problem for a vegetarian.
I think that my taste buds were so numb and damaged by my constant reliance on sugars, fats, and carbs that they had no idea that some other things actually taste good. I know that once you eliminate sugar, you realize how overly sweet everything is. This morning I had a "fruit on the bottom" Stoneyfield Farms blueberry yogurt that was is in our fridge. It was almost like candy it was so sweet. I now eat plain yogurt with no sweeteners in it and add fruit. Honestly, I prefer it. I can't even stomach juice or Gatorade any more - they are so sickeningly sweet. I think that my tongue is just now learning how foods should taste when they aren't coated in sugar, preservatives, breading, or cheese.
It isn't just one food either. It is up to about a dozen. Here are some of the more glaring examples.
Anyway, I was unable to do much blogging. (I hate typing 2,000 words on my iPhone.) But that is now going to be remedied. I promise here and now to post a blog every single day until I go out of town again - which will be this afternoon around 4pm when I go to Gainesville.
I have begun to wonder what exactly is going on with my taste buds lately. It kind of caught me off guard. Over the last nine weeks, I have begun to like foods that I never would eat. In fact, I like some of them so much that they have become new favorites. The only time I have seen this happen in a person is when they are pregnant. I have heard about pregnant ladies desperately craving foods that they detested. Of course, they usually blame it on the baby. "The baby wants asparagus. The baby likes turnip greens. The baby wants donuts." (That last one is probably not just the baby.) I remember on the show Friends, when Phoebe got pregnant, her babies "wanted" meat - quite a problem for a vegetarian.
I think that my taste buds were so numb and damaged by my constant reliance on sugars, fats, and carbs that they had no idea that some other things actually taste good. I know that once you eliminate sugar, you realize how overly sweet everything is. This morning I had a "fruit on the bottom" Stoneyfield Farms blueberry yogurt that was is in our fridge. It was almost like candy it was so sweet. I now eat plain yogurt with no sweeteners in it and add fruit. Honestly, I prefer it. I can't even stomach juice or Gatorade any more - they are so sickeningly sweet. I think that my tongue is just now learning how foods should taste when they aren't coated in sugar, preservatives, breading, or cheese.
It isn't just one food either. It is up to about a dozen. Here are some of the more glaring examples.
- Pickles. I absolutely loathe pickles. For years I refused to eat at Chick Fil A because they gave you a hard time when you wanted your sandwich without pickles. I hate it when people sneak pickles or relish into stuff. I even have a piece of flair on my facebook that says "Pickles are cucumbers soaked in evil." But, about a week ago, I was at Ted's Montana Grill and they put a bowl of pickles on the table. Usually I shove them away in disdain, disgusted with the mutant cukes being pushed onto us. But this time I tried one. And then another. And then I ate most of the bowl. The next day, I went back to Ted's. (Hey, my friend Charles and I love Ted's.) That bowl of pickles didn't stand a chance. Heather ordered a pickle the other day, and I took a bite of it. It was good - but it had too much of a mustard taste. And then this past week in Orlando, I went to 4 Rivers Smokehouse (the most amazing BBQ place I have found yet). They have fried pickles as a side - and they were delicious. (And it wasn't just the frying - there was hardly any batter and the pickles themselves were great.) I now am trying to figure out which pickles I should try from the store. Weird.
- Meatloaf. I have always hated meatloaf. This was one of those foods that made me turn into a massive whiny griper as a kid. And as an adult. A few years ago, I found a meatloaf that was okay. And then at McAllister's Deli, I tried their meatloaf sandwich and it was very good - but part of it was the marinara and cheese. The other day I just decided to make it out of nowhere. And it was fantastic. I even had it for lunch three days in a row. I'm not really sure what changed it - except for I found a recipe without ketchup. Either way, I thought it was great. And I also liked Boston Market's meatloaf when I snitched a bite off Heather's plate. This is very weird.
- Salmon. There has always been one rule when it came to me and fish. I don't like fishy fish. I like tuna, mahi mahi, chlean sea bass, haddock, cod, grouper. But I can't stand fishy fish. And the number one example was salmon. I hated salmon. It was a non-negotiable food. Then the other day I went over to Erik and Tiffany's house for dinner. Erik was making Salmon (which I hate) and shrimp (which I can't have). So he made me a skirt steak. And then he made me try the salmon. "Here's a little piece. At least try it." I did. And then I ate the whole piece. I actually liked it better than the steak. Today I actually checked the prices on salmon in the Publix meat department. What is happening to me?
- Pork Chops. Pork has always been a no go meat for me. I hated it. Just ask my mom. Nothing got me more upset than pork. Yet, if it weren't for pork, I doubt I would have made it through this food effort. I had discovered pulled pork a few years ago (thanks to my good friend Brad Crawford - look for a story on this coming soon). But I still avoid pork chops and pork roast. Even when I started this whole thing, I made a pork roast that I couldn't stomach. But, lately, I have become a lot more forgiving. I bought a pork loin and made pork chops a couple weeks ago. I have pork roasts in the freezer. I bought a huge Boston Butt Roast today for a future effort. I think this is one of those foods where I have learned how to make it well, which makes all the difference.
- Tomato Soup. Shoot, I would go so far as to say soup in general. I've never been a huge soup fan. But I have started making soups. And one of the biggest surprises is how much I like tomato soup. I've had several different kinds in the last two months. And I've liked all of them. I make it frequently now. I guess I had never found a good tomato soup. The stuff in the cans is disgusting. But fresh tomato soup is amazing.
- Squash. Veggies have never been my friend. But some veggies are bigger enemies than others. There are a few vegetables that I refuse to eat. Brussel sprouts, beets, squash, lima beans, okra. These are disgusting to me. So, imagine my surprise as I have begun incorporating various squash varieties into our food. I always have been partial to zucchini - especially in zucchini bread and zucchini boats (zucchini hollowed out and stuffed with lasagna fillings). But I actually order it now. I've gotten yellow squash several times. And I went so far as to make butternut squash soup the other day too.
- Lima Beans. Yeah, you saw in on that list, didn't you? My dad loved lima beans. My mom, and the rest of us, hated them. Every so often, my mom would make my dad a little pot of lima beans and us something different - just to make him happy. They were just one of those foods that inspired retching. Well, my recent frequenting of BBQ joints has introduced me to Brunswick Stew. For those of you who have never had it, Brunswick Stew is a mix of pork chunks, tomatoes, corn, and lima beans. Tomato soup with pork, corn, and lima beans? How about a complete strike out. Not any more - it is really good. I plan on making some with some of the pork roast I have in the freezer. And I will include lima beans - because they are actually very good.
- Plain Yogurt. I have always liked yogurt. But I would never eat plain yogurt. It was like drinking straight seltzer water. It tasted like it wasn't finished yet. But, as I have well documented on this site, yogurt is one of my biggest crutches. Every morning I have plain yogurt with fruit I add to it. No sweeteners or flavoring. Just plain yogurt. And I love it. Throw in there the plain Greek yogurt we use all the time, and plain yogurt could be the MVP of my battle to kill Darth Fatso.
Pretty strange, huh? I wonder how many other things will change before I'm done. I already am finding certain tastes more prevalent now - preferring vinegar based sauces and dressings, having no desire for citrus. It still is weird to find myself making or ordering a food that until this year I wouldn't have even wanted in the house. I know that people will often find their tastes changing as they get older. And I have found that to be true. I used to hate onions; now I use them in most things I cook. I never drank skim milk until I was 22. I only ate American Cheese until I was a teenager. But the rapid nature of these taste changes can only be attributed to the way my sense of taste has been freed by breaking these food habits. Either that, or I'm going to be reeeaaally curious as to how to get this kid out.
Monday, March 15, 2010
No Loss; No Gain
I felt so sure of everything
My love to you so well received
And I just strutted around your town
Knowing I didn't let you down
The truth be known, the truth be told
My heart was always fairly cold
Posing to be as warm as yours
My way of getting in your world
But now I'm out and I've had time
To look around and think
And sink into another world
That's filled with guilt and overwhelming
Shame, boatloads of shame
Day after day, more of the same
Blame, please lift it off
Please, take it off, please make it stop
Here it is. Eight weeks into the process today. To date, this has been extremely successful. So, why do I feel so bad? Why do i still feel like I haven't made much progress? I should be running around, dancing in the streets. I guess, part of it, is that I've been here before. I've lost boatloads of weight before. I know of three different occasions that saw me losing fifty pounds. I've weighed less than this as an adult. Basically, I've just gotten back down to my STARTING POINT from a few years back. I still look like a big fat guy. Unless you have seen pictures of me from this past fall, you would think I was just a big guy who has no control. I'm sure people who haven't seen me since high school would be shocked at how I've almost doubled in size.
But there is something more. I celebrate the victories often on this site. I have mentioned dropping four shirt sizes and pants sizes. I talk about my newfound discovery of vegetable based dishes. It has seemed that most of the cravings and addiction parts of this were subdued. But, for the last few days, I have been frustrated and irritated about this whole thing. I'm not like, "Screw it. Give me a donut." I'm just angry. You want to know what triggered this? On Friday, I weighed. And I hadn't lost anything at all since Monday. Now, usually, I drop about two pounds between weigh-ins. So, not losing anything is a bit of a surprise. I sat there and analyzed what I had eaten and tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. I should still be melting before your eyes like a butter sculpture. I guessed that maybe it was the face that I had a bunch of lunch meat, with its salt lick worth of sodium. That and too little water. So, this weekend, I tried a lot harder. I weighed on Saturday - same weight. Sunday - same weight. I had gone a whole week without losing anything.
That frustrated me. I have big plans. I want to be under 300 by my birthday. I want to be 220 by Christmas. I can't afford weeks with no weight loss on the relative front end of my battle. That won't do. Heather tried to encourage me by telling me sometimes bodies just go through plateaus. And she got onto me about weighing every day. I thought, "Oh what do you know, doctor to be." Then I talked to Charles Wise, my accountability partner through this. "It's probably your body adjusting to all of this." I looked away and thought, "Oh what do you know, counselor man."
But a long drive has a way of making you think. And, yesterday I had a loooong drive all by myself to think a lot. I was driving from Tallahassee to Orlando for a Defender Ministries event. Four and a half hours down what could be called "the mind numbing roads of boredom and despair." (I swear, if the River Styx doesn't resemble I-10, they need to redecorate it.) Something kept rattling around in my head. It was a song. As is often the case, music speaks to me better than many speakers. And this song came from my new "Top Five Band" - the Avett Brothers. It is called "Shame" off of their Emotionalism album. I have included the specific lyrics at the start of the post.
What I began to realize is that, although I had successfully put a new food approach into place and lost a ton of weight, I had still failed the first two months of this process. There were several reasons for this failure.
First of all, I had said from the very beginning, this was not supposed to be about the weight loss. I had said that if I didn't lose a single pound, I wanted to do this to break the unhealthy and sinful hold food had on me. But, here I was, two months in, and I was getting furious because I hadn't lost anything in six days. I still had lost 41 pounds, but that wasn't enough. My focus had subtly shifted to the scale. The rest of this was a means to an end - and no longer the end itself.
Second, I still haven't broken the attraction of food, as much as I have improved. I was finding myself craving "okay" foods. I was excited to head down to Orlando. Usually, that would be because I had free reign to eat like a college student again. This time, it was because I knew there were acceptable places to eat. I still don't think that it is wrong to be excited about food and enjoy it. But there is a line that gets crossed. I had crossed that line again. Sure, it wasn't about pizza and breakfast sandwiches. It was about meat. Honestly, I am having a hard time with this issue. I love cooking and being creative. I enjoy food. How do I break that? Or, how do I make sure it doesn't turn from enjoyment into obsession?
Third, a big part of this is learning discipline. I am not disciplined in any way shape or form. I am a terrible organizer. I forget things all the time. I wait until the last minute - because I can. This is the curse of a talented and smart person. You can excel with little or no effort most of the time. In college, I had a class with just one assignment - a big paper. I literally waited until the last day to START it. I didn't even unwrap my textbook until the day before the paper was due. I got a B - and was angry because it wasn't an A, and the teacher told me she was grading me as a grad student (which is why I got a B, and which I thought was horribly unfair). At the last church I worked at, when people came in to ask for stuff, I would write it on a little piece of paper. These papers were all over my desk. The only negative thing I ever got in my reviews was how nervous my boss was about this habit. I finally got a PDA. It was very helpful - the papers could get stacked on it and not strewn all over the desk. I really believe that this entire Med School/me staying home/food effete thing is supposed to teach me discipline. I am at the point where I need to start working out. Even though I literally have no deadlines in my life, I can't find time to go walking. I make excuses. I HAVE to do this. At the hotel, I went down this morning to the fitness center. I tried to get on the treadmill, but was too heavy and the thing wouldn't go. I tried the stair master, but my knee started screaming in about two minutes. And I went on the Lifecycle. After the FIVE MINUTE FIT TEST, my heart was beating so fast I thought it wisest to quit. You know, rather than dying in a fitness center at a La Quinta. Discipline is more than just avoiding the cookies.
The fourth reason is the most humiliating. I was finding myself taking great pride in what I had done. I enjoyed the comments on Facebook and the "Wow, you are doing great" emails. I was stunned, and thrilled, at the number of people who were finding this blog an inspiration. I tried to keep the pride monster in check, but it was beginning to rage out of control. There even was a little bit of sick joy from doing better than other people - not enough to undermine them, but a satisfaction that I had done something they hadn't. I had cracked the weight code and didn't use anything out there. It was my own doing. No books. No Master's Diet. No Atkins. My own plan and execution.
Writing that, it makes me ill. But it is true. I had claimed ownership of this process. Just like everything I have ever succeeded at in my life - my grades, my graphic design, my writing, my teaching, my national championship rumba dancing - I reached my little hand out and grabbed the credit. And that is where the song hit me. I was strutting around, proud of the fact that I had not failed or cheated or anything. For two solid months, I had not come close to blowing it. But, just like in the song, I looked inside and realized that my heart was not much better off than at the start of 2010.
When I started this process, I realized perfectly well what it would take to succeed. It wasn't a superior plan or better ingredients. It wasn't creativity or any of that. It was quite simply that I fell on my face before God and begged Him for mercy. I cried out and said, "I can't do this. I will eat until I am dead. Please give me the wisdom, the strength, the freedom I need to do this right." I prayed that. I wrote that in this blog. I read verses about freedom and food. I had my closest friends praying for me all the time. I was a broken man looking to my Savior for help. And as soon, as I got that help and healing and started running towards a new future, I shoved the Creator off the track so I could get the laurel for myself. What a stupid selfish arrogant jerk I am! How dare I steal credit? But, there I was, doing it again. Sure, I knew the things to say. I have been a Christian long enough. I have been a teacher and pastor for years - I know how to say things to others that I am not doing myself.
Last week, I had to write some lessons for this Defender Ministries event this week. I was writing about freedom. And, as I was sitting at the table, writing about these beautiful concepts, I was stealing credit. I was using this to puff myself up. And, when I finally realized what I had done, I was full of shame. Boatloads of shame. It was like I was a poor and homeless child. I was taken in by a kindly older man, who provided what I needed. Not only that, but he helped me to learn a trade - one that I was very good at. When it came time to display our wares, to earn what was sure to be a great income, I pushed him out of the carriage so I could keep all the money myself. And, the thing is, this is not the first time. I have done this so many times with God. I am a serial old-man-pusher (still working on that title). I have done it with my struggle with the computer, with my struggle with movies, with my teaching, with my writing, with my preaching. You know how many times I have prayed about this issue in the past month? ZERO. Not once. Some would say, "Well that is because you are at the place where you don't need to." Actually, I was saying that. Can you actually get to a point where you don't NEED to pray? You don't NEED to pray about overcoming a consistent point of failure? That weakness is always going to be a weakness. I may learn to live with it, to ignore it. But it will never completely disappear. How arrogant do I need to be to believe that I don't NEED to lift that area up? That I don't NEED help. What I NEED to do is get over myself and get back where I started. I NEED to get back on my face before God and beg for mercy. I NEED to pray for Him to truly break the ties - so I am not relying on my own methods for how to just live with them. I NEED to ask Him to help me overcome what I have realized is my biggest addiction - MYSELF. If I don't learn that lesson through this - my biggest challenge ever - the end result will be failure. I will just be a thinner, more in-shape stupid selfish arrogant jerk.
My love to you so well received
And I just strutted around your town
Knowing I didn't let you down
The truth be known, the truth be told
My heart was always fairly cold
Posing to be as warm as yours
My way of getting in your world
But now I'm out and I've had time
To look around and think
And sink into another world
That's filled with guilt and overwhelming
Shame, boatloads of shame
Day after day, more of the same
Blame, please lift it off
Please, take it off, please make it stop
Here it is. Eight weeks into the process today. To date, this has been extremely successful. So, why do I feel so bad? Why do i still feel like I haven't made much progress? I should be running around, dancing in the streets. I guess, part of it, is that I've been here before. I've lost boatloads of weight before. I know of three different occasions that saw me losing fifty pounds. I've weighed less than this as an adult. Basically, I've just gotten back down to my STARTING POINT from a few years back. I still look like a big fat guy. Unless you have seen pictures of me from this past fall, you would think I was just a big guy who has no control. I'm sure people who haven't seen me since high school would be shocked at how I've almost doubled in size.
But there is something more. I celebrate the victories often on this site. I have mentioned dropping four shirt sizes and pants sizes. I talk about my newfound discovery of vegetable based dishes. It has seemed that most of the cravings and addiction parts of this were subdued. But, for the last few days, I have been frustrated and irritated about this whole thing. I'm not like, "Screw it. Give me a donut." I'm just angry. You want to know what triggered this? On Friday, I weighed. And I hadn't lost anything at all since Monday. Now, usually, I drop about two pounds between weigh-ins. So, not losing anything is a bit of a surprise. I sat there and analyzed what I had eaten and tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. I should still be melting before your eyes like a butter sculpture. I guessed that maybe it was the face that I had a bunch of lunch meat, with its salt lick worth of sodium. That and too little water. So, this weekend, I tried a lot harder. I weighed on Saturday - same weight. Sunday - same weight. I had gone a whole week without losing anything.
That frustrated me. I have big plans. I want to be under 300 by my birthday. I want to be 220 by Christmas. I can't afford weeks with no weight loss on the relative front end of my battle. That won't do. Heather tried to encourage me by telling me sometimes bodies just go through plateaus. And she got onto me about weighing every day. I thought, "Oh what do you know, doctor to be." Then I talked to Charles Wise, my accountability partner through this. "It's probably your body adjusting to all of this." I looked away and thought, "Oh what do you know, counselor man."
But a long drive has a way of making you think. And, yesterday I had a loooong drive all by myself to think a lot. I was driving from Tallahassee to Orlando for a Defender Ministries event. Four and a half hours down what could be called "the mind numbing roads of boredom and despair." (I swear, if the River Styx doesn't resemble I-10, they need to redecorate it.) Something kept rattling around in my head. It was a song. As is often the case, music speaks to me better than many speakers. And this song came from my new "Top Five Band" - the Avett Brothers. It is called "Shame" off of their Emotionalism album. I have included the specific lyrics at the start of the post.
What I began to realize is that, although I had successfully put a new food approach into place and lost a ton of weight, I had still failed the first two months of this process. There were several reasons for this failure.
First of all, I had said from the very beginning, this was not supposed to be about the weight loss. I had said that if I didn't lose a single pound, I wanted to do this to break the unhealthy and sinful hold food had on me. But, here I was, two months in, and I was getting furious because I hadn't lost anything in six days. I still had lost 41 pounds, but that wasn't enough. My focus had subtly shifted to the scale. The rest of this was a means to an end - and no longer the end itself.
Second, I still haven't broken the attraction of food, as much as I have improved. I was finding myself craving "okay" foods. I was excited to head down to Orlando. Usually, that would be because I had free reign to eat like a college student again. This time, it was because I knew there were acceptable places to eat. I still don't think that it is wrong to be excited about food and enjoy it. But there is a line that gets crossed. I had crossed that line again. Sure, it wasn't about pizza and breakfast sandwiches. It was about meat. Honestly, I am having a hard time with this issue. I love cooking and being creative. I enjoy food. How do I break that? Or, how do I make sure it doesn't turn from enjoyment into obsession?
Third, a big part of this is learning discipline. I am not disciplined in any way shape or form. I am a terrible organizer. I forget things all the time. I wait until the last minute - because I can. This is the curse of a talented and smart person. You can excel with little or no effort most of the time. In college, I had a class with just one assignment - a big paper. I literally waited until the last day to START it. I didn't even unwrap my textbook until the day before the paper was due. I got a B - and was angry because it wasn't an A, and the teacher told me she was grading me as a grad student (which is why I got a B, and which I thought was horribly unfair). At the last church I worked at, when people came in to ask for stuff, I would write it on a little piece of paper. These papers were all over my desk. The only negative thing I ever got in my reviews was how nervous my boss was about this habit. I finally got a PDA. It was very helpful - the papers could get stacked on it and not strewn all over the desk. I really believe that this entire Med School/me staying home/food effete thing is supposed to teach me discipline. I am at the point where I need to start working out. Even though I literally have no deadlines in my life, I can't find time to go walking. I make excuses. I HAVE to do this. At the hotel, I went down this morning to the fitness center. I tried to get on the treadmill, but was too heavy and the thing wouldn't go. I tried the stair master, but my knee started screaming in about two minutes. And I went on the Lifecycle. After the FIVE MINUTE FIT TEST, my heart was beating so fast I thought it wisest to quit. You know, rather than dying in a fitness center at a La Quinta. Discipline is more than just avoiding the cookies.
The fourth reason is the most humiliating. I was finding myself taking great pride in what I had done. I enjoyed the comments on Facebook and the "Wow, you are doing great" emails. I was stunned, and thrilled, at the number of people who were finding this blog an inspiration. I tried to keep the pride monster in check, but it was beginning to rage out of control. There even was a little bit of sick joy from doing better than other people - not enough to undermine them, but a satisfaction that I had done something they hadn't. I had cracked the weight code and didn't use anything out there. It was my own doing. No books. No Master's Diet. No Atkins. My own plan and execution.
Writing that, it makes me ill. But it is true. I had claimed ownership of this process. Just like everything I have ever succeeded at in my life - my grades, my graphic design, my writing, my teaching, my national championship rumba dancing - I reached my little hand out and grabbed the credit. And that is where the song hit me. I was strutting around, proud of the fact that I had not failed or cheated or anything. For two solid months, I had not come close to blowing it. But, just like in the song, I looked inside and realized that my heart was not much better off than at the start of 2010.
When I started this process, I realized perfectly well what it would take to succeed. It wasn't a superior plan or better ingredients. It wasn't creativity or any of that. It was quite simply that I fell on my face before God and begged Him for mercy. I cried out and said, "I can't do this. I will eat until I am dead. Please give me the wisdom, the strength, the freedom I need to do this right." I prayed that. I wrote that in this blog. I read verses about freedom and food. I had my closest friends praying for me all the time. I was a broken man looking to my Savior for help. And as soon, as I got that help and healing and started running towards a new future, I shoved the Creator off the track so I could get the laurel for myself. What a stupid selfish arrogant jerk I am! How dare I steal credit? But, there I was, doing it again. Sure, I knew the things to say. I have been a Christian long enough. I have been a teacher and pastor for years - I know how to say things to others that I am not doing myself.
Last week, I had to write some lessons for this Defender Ministries event this week. I was writing about freedom. And, as I was sitting at the table, writing about these beautiful concepts, I was stealing credit. I was using this to puff myself up. And, when I finally realized what I had done, I was full of shame. Boatloads of shame. It was like I was a poor and homeless child. I was taken in by a kindly older man, who provided what I needed. Not only that, but he helped me to learn a trade - one that I was very good at. When it came time to display our wares, to earn what was sure to be a great income, I pushed him out of the carriage so I could keep all the money myself. And, the thing is, this is not the first time. I have done this so many times with God. I am a serial old-man-pusher (still working on that title). I have done it with my struggle with the computer, with my struggle with movies, with my teaching, with my writing, with my preaching. You know how many times I have prayed about this issue in the past month? ZERO. Not once. Some would say, "Well that is because you are at the place where you don't need to." Actually, I was saying that. Can you actually get to a point where you don't NEED to pray? You don't NEED to pray about overcoming a consistent point of failure? That weakness is always going to be a weakness. I may learn to live with it, to ignore it. But it will never completely disappear. How arrogant do I need to be to believe that I don't NEED to lift that area up? That I don't NEED help. What I NEED to do is get over myself and get back where I started. I NEED to get back on my face before God and beg for mercy. I NEED to pray for Him to truly break the ties - so I am not relying on my own methods for how to just live with them. I NEED to ask Him to help me overcome what I have realized is my biggest addiction - MYSELF. If I don't learn that lesson through this - my biggest challenge ever - the end result will be failure. I will just be a thinner, more in-shape stupid selfish arrogant jerk.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Stuffed Peppers
I have received numerous requests for some of the recipes that I have developed since the beginning of this process. I am thoroughly stunned by this development. I have always loved cooking, and I am a pretty good cook. My lasagna has always been something people have enjoyed. I know I enjoyed it a great deal. Which is why I have had to undergo this transformation. And the circle is complete.
Being home with the kids and taking over the duties on the homefront has actually prepared me for this. I am always amazed how God works. So many times we think we are doing something for a reason, only to find out that there was a whole other purpose behind things. It's like I always said about my early ministry experience. I thought that I had picked up graphic design so that I could keep on doing college ministry. Then it turned out that I had been doing college ministry so that I could gain more experience in doing graphic design. And it was the graphic design and writing that brought me to Orlando, and what I could bring to Defender Ministries. But then the college ministry ended up opening our first doors for Defender. Sometimes I feel like I am putting a puzzle together that has pictures on both sides.
Anyway, enough with the blather.
The other day I was at Publix with Josiah. We were in the produce section and he was asking me about the peppers. We had done an experiment this Fall about peppers - which ones were hot and such. I was trying to dispel the belief that the term "chile" does not mean hot - it is just a branch of pepper. Anyway, he was wondering what a particular pepper was, so I ran through the different types again for him. The one he hadn't seen before was a Poblano. He thought it was a huge jalepeno. I explained, "No, it is in the same family, but it is nowhere near as hot. And it is delicious stuffed." We started to walk away and I said, "Wait, I can make stuffed peppers for dinner." So I went back over and got two poblanos and two green bell peppers. I knew Heather and the kids (if they would eat it - which they didn't) would prefer the bells. I wanted the poblanos. Chiles just have such amazing flavor. So I whipped up this plan in my head and tried it once I got home. A-maz-ing. And let me tell you, the second and third times I had it, still amazing. They also are so versatile. I already have come up with two Italian variations and some other options. Can't wait to try them. As I said, you can vary up the peppers you pick depending on your preference. (Alliteration)
4 Big Poblano Peppers - pick ones with a large cavity to stuff
1 Pound Lean Ground Beef
1 Cup of Brown Rice (just use the microwave cups - they work great)
1/2 Cup of Picante Sauce (pick your heat)
1/2 Spanish Onion
1 Small Can of Green Chiles
Olive Oil (or cooking spray)
Southwestern Seasoning (Taco packet, Emeril's SW Essence - my choice)
1 Tsp Garlic Powder (or more if you want it)
1/2 Tsp Salt
Being home with the kids and taking over the duties on the homefront has actually prepared me for this. I am always amazed how God works. So many times we think we are doing something for a reason, only to find out that there was a whole other purpose behind things. It's like I always said about my early ministry experience. I thought that I had picked up graphic design so that I could keep on doing college ministry. Then it turned out that I had been doing college ministry so that I could gain more experience in doing graphic design. And it was the graphic design and writing that brought me to Orlando, and what I could bring to Defender Ministries. But then the college ministry ended up opening our first doors for Defender. Sometimes I feel like I am putting a puzzle together that has pictures on both sides.
Anyway, enough with the blather.
The other day I was at Publix with Josiah. We were in the produce section and he was asking me about the peppers. We had done an experiment this Fall about peppers - which ones were hot and such. I was trying to dispel the belief that the term "chile" does not mean hot - it is just a branch of pepper. Anyway, he was wondering what a particular pepper was, so I ran through the different types again for him. The one he hadn't seen before was a Poblano. He thought it was a huge jalepeno. I explained, "No, it is in the same family, but it is nowhere near as hot. And it is delicious stuffed." We started to walk away and I said, "Wait, I can make stuffed peppers for dinner." So I went back over and got two poblanos and two green bell peppers. I knew Heather and the kids (if they would eat it - which they didn't) would prefer the bells. I wanted the poblanos. Chiles just have such amazing flavor. So I whipped up this plan in my head and tried it once I got home. A-maz-ing. And let me tell you, the second and third times I had it, still amazing. They also are so versatile. I already have come up with two Italian variations and some other options. Can't wait to try them. As I said, you can vary up the peppers you pick depending on your preference. (Alliteration)
4 Big Poblano Peppers - pick ones with a large cavity to stuff
1 Pound Lean Ground Beef
1 Cup of Brown Rice (just use the microwave cups - they work great)
1/2 Cup of Picante Sauce (pick your heat)
1/2 Spanish Onion
1 Small Can of Green Chiles
Olive Oil (or cooking spray)
Southwestern Seasoning (Taco packet, Emeril's SW Essence - my choice)
1 Tsp Garlic Powder (or more if you want it)
1/2 Tsp Salt
- First, cut the tops off the peppers and cut the seeds and spongy seed harboring ribs in the pepper. Try to keep the peppers intact. (Poblanos are harder to use, since they are not often plump like bells.)
- Preheat the oven to 350 and get a baking dish out
- Heat up the olive oil (or cooking spray) and sauté the onions on medium high heat. Throw in the can of chiles after the onions have had a chance to start getting tender. You can use part of the can if you prefer, depending on the size of the onion. I try to keep at least a 2:1 onion:chile ratio. Remember, this is going into a pepper, you know. So you don't have to overdo it.
- Once the onions are all purty and translucent, throw in the ground beef and start browning it.
- Before the meat is done, add the garlic powder, southwest seasoning, and salt. If you want the seasoning to permeate the meat, you have to do this while the meat isn't cooked. I don't want to insult your intelligence, but some people really don't get this.
- Pour in the Picante sauce. I used medium strength, which was enough for us. You can add more than 1/2 cup if you want. You want it to generate some liquid, but not soupy.
- Microwave that brown rice cup you have (or grab a cup out of leftover brown rice in the fridge). Throw the rice into the mixture and mix it all up. The rice should suck up some of that liquid.
- Once you have gotten the meat browned and everything all warm and toasty, take the pan off the heat.
- Grab your peppers and stuff them with the meat mixture. You want it be heaping amounts. I had just a tad extra after four peppers. You could grab a fifth one to be safe, especially if you had smaller poblanos.
- Set the peppers in the baking dish and pop it into the 350 oven for about 30 minutes. That will allow the peppers to keep their shape while getting soft and yummy.
- Serve it up. I just stuck the leftovers in a tupperware container and reheated them in the microwave for about 1 1/2 minutes. They were great.
Well, there you have the legend of the stuffed pepper. I hope you like it. I am planning on doing an Italian version at some point. One option is actually to stuff the pepper with my Italian chili. The other is to do this recipe with orzo instead of rice and Italian seasoning and tomatoes. I know that there are other variations with goulash and other stuff in it. I really loved the dish and I hope you do too.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Good Day
And I'm feelin (ooooo hoooo)
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good good night
I like that song by the Black Eyed Peas. It was going through my head this evening as I ended what was just a great day. I have no idea how the night is going to go, but today was just super. I have hit the point where I am just doing my thing and moving along. The food stuff isn't really an effort any more. It has become my way of life. Every so often I get a twinge of desire for something. But it isn't enough to do anything about it. (For example, today I saw Virgil's Root Beer at a specialty store. That was my favorite root beer and I haven't seen it in literally years. But there was no way I was buying it.) I get little bumps of excitement every Friday and Monday when I weigh. However, it really has become a long process. It has moved past the rush of the beginning and past the challenge of my body's rebellion. Now it is lasting for the long haul.
Well, today was different. Heather has Spring Break this week. Due to financial constraints, we have basically been under house arrest for four days. So, today, I said we needed to go and do . . . something. Just get out of the house. So after we dropped the kids off and got ready, we went out to find some adventure. First, we stopped at Goodwill to see if they had anything good - games, kids' clothes, clothes for me that were in the sizes I would soon be dropping into. It was a big whiff - nothing useful at all. Then we went to Crispers for lunch. For those of you unfamiliar with Crispers, it is owned by Publix grocery stores. It is very good - salads, flatbreads, soups. They had changed the menu since we last went (about a year ago down in Orlando). They now had a cool thing call "Side Salad Sampler." You could pick three side salads - or two and a soup. So I got Chicken Pecan Salad, Fruit Salad, and Tomato Bisque. Heather got the Chicken Pecan salad on a half sandwich and a bowl of Butternut Squash soup.
I really enjoyed my food. And as is my new thing with food - I tried to figure out how to make the meal at home. The chicken salad was yogurt based, which is right up my alley. I will probably be replicating that soon. The tomato soup was great - mine tastes just as good. I would just need to add cream to make mine tast the same. And if I had an immersion blender, it would be easier to get mine to be the same consistency. But it was Heather's soup that really struck me. It was unbelievable. Tasted like Thanksgiving. So, I immediately decided that my project for the day was to come up with butternut squash soup at home.
Right after lunch, we went next door to New Leaf Grocery. We had never been here, but I WILL go back soon. It is a co-op natural store. It was amazing. I snagged three butternut squash in their produce section. And I forced myself not to buy anything else. Even though it was a glorious place. They had every flour you could imagine - rye, semolina, rice, tons more. They had raw nuts of so many types. Peanuts, macadamia nuts, brazil nuts, filberts. Pumpkin seeds, black sesame seeds. I just stood there and stared at the wall for five minutes. "You will be mine. Oh yes. You will be mine." I wasn't as impressed with the meat section - it was nice, but expensive. But I had scored my butternut squash.
Next we went to Walmart - because in Tallahassee that is just what you do when you have nothing else to do. We got some cheap Veggie Tales candy for the kids' Easter baskets. And then we wandered the store and ended up at the men's clothing section. I noticed they had $8 jeans and thought maybe I could find a pair to help me in the weight loss stage. Here's how I am handling my clothing at this point. I am working my way down through what I have. I had a set of 4XLT shirts that never shrunk in the wash. That was the first set I dropped out of and have now gotten rid of. Then I had a set of 4XLT shirts that had shrunk in the wash. These are now starting to get too big. Today, I got one of my older 3XLT shirts that had shrunk in the wash. It fit perfectly. So now I have dropped into that group. Once I am through those shirts, I will be in trouble.
The same goes with pants. I have some 50 inch waist pants. (What? You knew I was big.) Those are out of the picture. Then I had a pair of 48 jeans and a pair of 46 jeans. They have become so big it is ridiculous. They pucker all up inside of my belt. When I got the smaller 40-44 belt the other day, it made the jeans situation worse. I don't have pants much smaller than that - maybe a 44 here or there. I don't want to buy a bunch of clothes in the 2XLT or 40+ pants range because they will be useless within a few months. So I am trying to just get through until I am closer to a set weight and size.
But the pants were just ridiculous - huge and billowy. So we checked the jeans. I went to try on a 44x32. I came out of the dressing room and showed Heather. "They are loose - they'll be falling down in a month." So she went and grabbed me a 42x30. I put them on and they fit perfectly. What!?!? A 42? I can't even remember the last time I was in a 42. It may have been six years ago, but it probably was before that. I almost cried in the dressing room. In 7 1/2 weeks, I had not only lost 41 pounds. I had dropped EIGHT INCHES off my waist. I've dropped two shirt sizes, four pants sizes, and 41 pounds! It just felt so amazing to realize that. We got two cheap pairs of jeans. So with my new jeans and new belt, I'm looking pretty fly for a white guy.
After we got home and got the kids, I started on dinner. I roasted the squash and began the soup making process. I tweaked the recipe I had found, added pumpkin to the soup, blended it all up. Dang was it good. I was eating butternut squash soup! I told my mom and she couldn't believe it. She was probably thinking, "Is this the same kid that wouldn't eat veggies without griping? He's making veggie soups?" So for dinner, I had a bowl of butternut squash pumpkin soup, a stuffed pepper (oh yeah, I made those last night - freaking unbelievable), an apple, and a glass of water. Total calories: 500. Heather and I looked at each other and said, "Man, our food sucks around here. Poor us."
So, I was singing as I put the leftover soup into containers to freeze. I just am enjoying this so much. I always thought I was a good cook - and others have concurred. But, since I started this new way of life, I feel like I have gotten better. I am more creative. I don't have to find ways to stick cheese into everything. I don't have to make sandwiches out of meals. I just make food. So far, since this whole thing started, I have made Southwestern Chili, Italian Chili, Tomato Soup, Butternut Pumpkin Soup, Yogurt Tuna Salad, Yogurt Chicken & Grape Salad, London Broil, Mexican Stuffed Peppers, Pork Chops, Yogurt Veggie Dip, Yogurt Chicken Dip, Pork Roast, Turkey Breast, Peanut Butter Fondue, and Sauteed Spinach. Those are the meals that I had NEVER made before this started that I have made now. That doesn't include the numerous chicken variations, salads, and stir fry dishes that I have come up with. My creativity has exploded. I'm not afraid to try new foods. And I'm finding out that they are really good.
I am going to start updating an online photo gallery with my journey. Here is the link, if you are interested. I take a lot of pictures of my food, along with some pictures of me as I shrink. I don't know how often I will update it, but check in from time to time. Thanks again for being so supportive of me and putting up with my ramblings.
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good good night
I like that song by the Black Eyed Peas. It was going through my head this evening as I ended what was just a great day. I have no idea how the night is going to go, but today was just super. I have hit the point where I am just doing my thing and moving along. The food stuff isn't really an effort any more. It has become my way of life. Every so often I get a twinge of desire for something. But it isn't enough to do anything about it. (For example, today I saw Virgil's Root Beer at a specialty store. That was my favorite root beer and I haven't seen it in literally years. But there was no way I was buying it.) I get little bumps of excitement every Friday and Monday when I weigh. However, it really has become a long process. It has moved past the rush of the beginning and past the challenge of my body's rebellion. Now it is lasting for the long haul.
Well, today was different. Heather has Spring Break this week. Due to financial constraints, we have basically been under house arrest for four days. So, today, I said we needed to go and do . . . something. Just get out of the house. So after we dropped the kids off and got ready, we went out to find some adventure. First, we stopped at Goodwill to see if they had anything good - games, kids' clothes, clothes for me that were in the sizes I would soon be dropping into. It was a big whiff - nothing useful at all. Then we went to Crispers for lunch. For those of you unfamiliar with Crispers, it is owned by Publix grocery stores. It is very good - salads, flatbreads, soups. They had changed the menu since we last went (about a year ago down in Orlando). They now had a cool thing call "Side Salad Sampler." You could pick three side salads - or two and a soup. So I got Chicken Pecan Salad, Fruit Salad, and Tomato Bisque. Heather got the Chicken Pecan salad on a half sandwich and a bowl of Butternut Squash soup.
I really enjoyed my food. And as is my new thing with food - I tried to figure out how to make the meal at home. The chicken salad was yogurt based, which is right up my alley. I will probably be replicating that soon. The tomato soup was great - mine tastes just as good. I would just need to add cream to make mine tast the same. And if I had an immersion blender, it would be easier to get mine to be the same consistency. But it was Heather's soup that really struck me. It was unbelievable. Tasted like Thanksgiving. So, I immediately decided that my project for the day was to come up with butternut squash soup at home.
Right after lunch, we went next door to New Leaf Grocery. We had never been here, but I WILL go back soon. It is a co-op natural store. It was amazing. I snagged three butternut squash in their produce section. And I forced myself not to buy anything else. Even though it was a glorious place. They had every flour you could imagine - rye, semolina, rice, tons more. They had raw nuts of so many types. Peanuts, macadamia nuts, brazil nuts, filberts. Pumpkin seeds, black sesame seeds. I just stood there and stared at the wall for five minutes. "You will be mine. Oh yes. You will be mine." I wasn't as impressed with the meat section - it was nice, but expensive. But I had scored my butternut squash.
Next we went to Walmart - because in Tallahassee that is just what you do when you have nothing else to do. We got some cheap Veggie Tales candy for the kids' Easter baskets. And then we wandered the store and ended up at the men's clothing section. I noticed they had $8 jeans and thought maybe I could find a pair to help me in the weight loss stage. Here's how I am handling my clothing at this point. I am working my way down through what I have. I had a set of 4XLT shirts that never shrunk in the wash. That was the first set I dropped out of and have now gotten rid of. Then I had a set of 4XLT shirts that had shrunk in the wash. These are now starting to get too big. Today, I got one of my older 3XLT shirts that had shrunk in the wash. It fit perfectly. So now I have dropped into that group. Once I am through those shirts, I will be in trouble.
The same goes with pants. I have some 50 inch waist pants. (What? You knew I was big.) Those are out of the picture. Then I had a pair of 48 jeans and a pair of 46 jeans. They have become so big it is ridiculous. They pucker all up inside of my belt. When I got the smaller 40-44 belt the other day, it made the jeans situation worse. I don't have pants much smaller than that - maybe a 44 here or there. I don't want to buy a bunch of clothes in the 2XLT or 40+ pants range because they will be useless within a few months. So I am trying to just get through until I am closer to a set weight and size.
But the pants were just ridiculous - huge and billowy. So we checked the jeans. I went to try on a 44x32. I came out of the dressing room and showed Heather. "They are loose - they'll be falling down in a month." So she went and grabbed me a 42x30. I put them on and they fit perfectly. What!?!? A 42? I can't even remember the last time I was in a 42. It may have been six years ago, but it probably was before that. I almost cried in the dressing room. In 7 1/2 weeks, I had not only lost 41 pounds. I had dropped EIGHT INCHES off my waist. I've dropped two shirt sizes, four pants sizes, and 41 pounds! It just felt so amazing to realize that. We got two cheap pairs of jeans. So with my new jeans and new belt, I'm looking pretty fly for a white guy.
After we got home and got the kids, I started on dinner. I roasted the squash and began the soup making process. I tweaked the recipe I had found, added pumpkin to the soup, blended it all up. Dang was it good. I was eating butternut squash soup! I told my mom and she couldn't believe it. She was probably thinking, "Is this the same kid that wouldn't eat veggies without griping? He's making veggie soups?" So for dinner, I had a bowl of butternut squash pumpkin soup, a stuffed pepper (oh yeah, I made those last night - freaking unbelievable), an apple, and a glass of water. Total calories: 500. Heather and I looked at each other and said, "Man, our food sucks around here. Poor us."
So, I was singing as I put the leftover soup into containers to freeze. I just am enjoying this so much. I always thought I was a good cook - and others have concurred. But, since I started this new way of life, I feel like I have gotten better. I am more creative. I don't have to find ways to stick cheese into everything. I don't have to make sandwiches out of meals. I just make food. So far, since this whole thing started, I have made Southwestern Chili, Italian Chili, Tomato Soup, Butternut Pumpkin Soup, Yogurt Tuna Salad, Yogurt Chicken & Grape Salad, London Broil, Mexican Stuffed Peppers, Pork Chops, Yogurt Veggie Dip, Yogurt Chicken Dip, Pork Roast, Turkey Breast, Peanut Butter Fondue, and Sauteed Spinach. Those are the meals that I had NEVER made before this started that I have made now. That doesn't include the numerous chicken variations, salads, and stir fry dishes that I have come up with. My creativity has exploded. I'm not afraid to try new foods. And I'm finding out that they are really good.
I am going to start updating an online photo gallery with my journey. Here is the link, if you are interested. I take a lot of pictures of my food, along with some pictures of me as I shrink. I don't know how often I will update it, but check in from time to time. Thanks again for being so supportive of me and putting up with my ramblings.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Heads Up, Seven's Up
Ha ha ha! Wasn't that witty? That's right, my dear friends, seven weeks is d-o-n-e done. Seven weeks isn't necessarily a milestone. On my milestone board up on the wall, I only permanently document every four weeks. And I usually only send out a Facebook status update every two weeks. So, why is seven weeks such a big deal? Well, let me answer that in a roundabout way by telling you a story.
When I started dating Heather, my dating record had been pretty pathetic. I had gone on dates with people off and on through high school, college, and beyond. There were many instances when I was "on the hook" with someone - as How I Met Your Mother explained the other day on the show. That is where a person holds you in limbo by saying things like, "I am not interested . . . right now." But, as for dating relationships, I had only had two official girlfriends. One in college, one my first year out of college. Both of them had lasted exactly five days. The first one I broke off. The second one she did. So, I dreaded day five. With Heather, we knew it was different. But, still, when day five came rolling along, I was nervous all day. I dreaded it. And each phone call got my heart racing, hoping that it wasn't the call of death. We made it through, and starting at day six, we were in completely new territory.
So, since I didn't answer your question, let me answer it now. I have had many efforts over the year, trying to lose weight or stop eating food or whatever. One year I didn't eat red meat for an entire year. It was a noble effort, but I didn't really accomplish anything since I still ate chicken covered with cheese and bacon and guzzled soda like crazy. I tried Weight Watchers about six years ago and lost fifty pounds in four months, and then gained it back in about six months. I lost fifty pound right around when Josiah was born, too. But I gained it back pretty quick. So, I have certain numbers and such that I bump up against. And when I can actually get through those, I am in new territory.
One year in Tampa, I actually quit soda. You see, I can't drink diet soda. I have a big problem breaking down aspartame. When I have that (Nutrasweet), I have major medical problems - seizures, chest pains, irregular heart beats. So that eliminates most diet sodas. The rest of them have Sucralose (Splenda), which I find disgusting. So I don't want to drink them. But I really love the taste of soda. I have gone through phases with soda. First I was a huge Coke fan. Then I began to drain Mountain Dew. For a while I drank Surge soda (remember that?) - until I got massive headaches from it. Finally, I became a Pepsi fiend. I drank soda just about every meal. I hardly ever drank water. Soda was my main drink. I would have it with lunch, with dinner - and some mornings to wake up with breakfast. It was my coffee.
I realized that I had a problem with soda a long time ago. And I have tried from time to time to change it. But I never succeeded. The only time I came close was in Tampa. I gave it up and went quite a while. In fact, I went six whole weeks without having it. (Ahhh, the seven weeks becomes clearer.) It was the longest I went without soda since I was in elementary school. So, to reward myself, one day I went to Subs n Such for lunch. They had dozens of different sodas. I treated myself to a fancy root beer. And I was back to drinking soda every meal within two weeks. I'm not even kidding. I began to justify it more and more frequently. At first, it was only with pizza. Then Italian food. Then Mexican food. Then fast food. That pretty much summed up my food intake, so soda was with everything.
I have never been able to stay away from soda that long again. I maybe went a week or two. But for twelve years, six years was the bar I never came close to. It was like Bob Beamon's world record long jump in Mexico City - when he never came within feet of it again. So, this week, when I hit seven weeks, I realized I had broken through into a new place. Some people ask what I plan on doing with my problem foods later on in this process. And I always say that I have come to peace with the fact that I may never have those things again. (Although the thought of life without pizza still is troubling to me.) But soda, there is no quibbling about. I will not drink it again. There is no reason for me to have it. I have retrained my tongue to handle water and the occasional glass of milk. I don't put flavoring in my water. I don't want to bring that desire for sweetened drink into my mind again. I treat it the same as alcohol - it is a non-negotiable issue forever.
So, even though week seven isn't a milestone, it was a big deal. I have lost 41 pounds as of this morning. I am at 314. Which means that 300 is within my vision and grasp. I keep making new foods that will enable me to stay on track. (Last night I made meatloaf for the first time ever. It was awesome. You are jealous.) Today, I had to go and get a new belt from Target. My other ones were so big they wouldn't hold my pants up - even with my shirt tucked in. I got a 40-44 inch belt. But it has holes the entire length of the belt, which will actually help as I keep losing weight. That's a pretty big deal for me. Buying a new belt is something that really signifies the progress.
Last week, my wonderful mother-in-law Lois bought me a nice surprise last week. She got me a pair of Skechers Shape Ups. Those are the shoes that have a rounded sole. (Here's a link.) They are designed to help work out your legs and muscles while walking. So they are good for exercising, and for just walking in general. They feel great and have actually helped my back quite a bit. The cool thing is that they tell you that you are supposed to walk upright with your head held high, to have correct alignment. Those who know me know that I walk looking down at the ground a lot. Some of that is to avoid eye contact with people. But some of it is my effort to curve my body to keep my shirt covering my stomach. (Didn't know that, did you?) It isn't good for my back, my posture, or my self esteem. But, wearing the shoes, I have forced myself to walk the right way. And it is really cool. Since my clothes fit better, I don't mind walking that way. I am kind of proud and confident, knowing that I am well on my way. Sure, to someone who doesn't know me, I still am a big fat guy. But I am breaking into new territory. And it won't be long until I get into other numbers that used to be a stopping point. Instead of stopping me, though, they are just going to serve as a monument to the victory.
When I started dating Heather, my dating record had been pretty pathetic. I had gone on dates with people off and on through high school, college, and beyond. There were many instances when I was "on the hook" with someone - as How I Met Your Mother explained the other day on the show. That is where a person holds you in limbo by saying things like, "I am not interested . . . right now." But, as for dating relationships, I had only had two official girlfriends. One in college, one my first year out of college. Both of them had lasted exactly five days. The first one I broke off. The second one she did. So, I dreaded day five. With Heather, we knew it was different. But, still, when day five came rolling along, I was nervous all day. I dreaded it. And each phone call got my heart racing, hoping that it wasn't the call of death. We made it through, and starting at day six, we were in completely new territory.
So, since I didn't answer your question, let me answer it now. I have had many efforts over the year, trying to lose weight or stop eating food or whatever. One year I didn't eat red meat for an entire year. It was a noble effort, but I didn't really accomplish anything since I still ate chicken covered with cheese and bacon and guzzled soda like crazy. I tried Weight Watchers about six years ago and lost fifty pounds in four months, and then gained it back in about six months. I lost fifty pound right around when Josiah was born, too. But I gained it back pretty quick. So, I have certain numbers and such that I bump up against. And when I can actually get through those, I am in new territory.
One year in Tampa, I actually quit soda. You see, I can't drink diet soda. I have a big problem breaking down aspartame. When I have that (Nutrasweet), I have major medical problems - seizures, chest pains, irregular heart beats. So that eliminates most diet sodas. The rest of them have Sucralose (Splenda), which I find disgusting. So I don't want to drink them. But I really love the taste of soda. I have gone through phases with soda. First I was a huge Coke fan. Then I began to drain Mountain Dew. For a while I drank Surge soda (remember that?) - until I got massive headaches from it. Finally, I became a Pepsi fiend. I drank soda just about every meal. I hardly ever drank water. Soda was my main drink. I would have it with lunch, with dinner - and some mornings to wake up with breakfast. It was my coffee.
I realized that I had a problem with soda a long time ago. And I have tried from time to time to change it. But I never succeeded. The only time I came close was in Tampa. I gave it up and went quite a while. In fact, I went six whole weeks without having it. (Ahhh, the seven weeks becomes clearer.) It was the longest I went without soda since I was in elementary school. So, to reward myself, one day I went to Subs n Such for lunch. They had dozens of different sodas. I treated myself to a fancy root beer. And I was back to drinking soda every meal within two weeks. I'm not even kidding. I began to justify it more and more frequently. At first, it was only with pizza. Then Italian food. Then Mexican food. Then fast food. That pretty much summed up my food intake, so soda was with everything.
I have never been able to stay away from soda that long again. I maybe went a week or two. But for twelve years, six years was the bar I never came close to. It was like Bob Beamon's world record long jump in Mexico City - when he never came within feet of it again. So, this week, when I hit seven weeks, I realized I had broken through into a new place. Some people ask what I plan on doing with my problem foods later on in this process. And I always say that I have come to peace with the fact that I may never have those things again. (Although the thought of life without pizza still is troubling to me.) But soda, there is no quibbling about. I will not drink it again. There is no reason for me to have it. I have retrained my tongue to handle water and the occasional glass of milk. I don't put flavoring in my water. I don't want to bring that desire for sweetened drink into my mind again. I treat it the same as alcohol - it is a non-negotiable issue forever.
So, even though week seven isn't a milestone, it was a big deal. I have lost 41 pounds as of this morning. I am at 314. Which means that 300 is within my vision and grasp. I keep making new foods that will enable me to stay on track. (Last night I made meatloaf for the first time ever. It was awesome. You are jealous.) Today, I had to go and get a new belt from Target. My other ones were so big they wouldn't hold my pants up - even with my shirt tucked in. I got a 40-44 inch belt. But it has holes the entire length of the belt, which will actually help as I keep losing weight. That's a pretty big deal for me. Buying a new belt is something that really signifies the progress.
Last week, my wonderful mother-in-law Lois bought me a nice surprise last week. She got me a pair of Skechers Shape Ups. Those are the shoes that have a rounded sole. (Here's a link.) They are designed to help work out your legs and muscles while walking. So they are good for exercising, and for just walking in general. They feel great and have actually helped my back quite a bit. The cool thing is that they tell you that you are supposed to walk upright with your head held high, to have correct alignment. Those who know me know that I walk looking down at the ground a lot. Some of that is to avoid eye contact with people. But some of it is my effort to curve my body to keep my shirt covering my stomach. (Didn't know that, did you?) It isn't good for my back, my posture, or my self esteem. But, wearing the shoes, I have forced myself to walk the right way. And it is really cool. Since my clothes fit better, I don't mind walking that way. I am kind of proud and confident, knowing that I am well on my way. Sure, to someone who doesn't know me, I still am a big fat guy. But I am breaking into new territory. And it won't be long until I get into other numbers that used to be a stopping point. Instead of stopping me, though, they are just going to serve as a monument to the victory.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Day 45 - No Negotiation
So, I haven't been posting as frequently on this site. I know that may lead some of you to believe that means I am struggling. Actually, it is quite the opposite. At the beginning, I needed to post frequently because it was hard. I needed to think through things and try to get a handle on the change of lifestyle. I was thinking through the "whys" and "hows" and needed a place to record what I was feeling.
Lately, though, I haven't been doing much of that. Honestly, I just have been plugging along. I've lost 37 pounds, as of Monday. I have come up with tons of new approaches to food. It is kind of like I have accepted this as the way I am going to live now. I don't have a ton of weird cravings. The temptations are still there from time to time. But, they are very mild and easy to dismiss. Today, almost ate some of Gabe's Goldfish crackers when I was pouring them into a bowl. The other day we made blueberry muffins for something at Heather's school. Numerous times I nearly grabbed one out of habit. But I never ate them. Monday, I wasn't thinking and nearly took a drink of Heather's diet soda.
The thing is, I haven't cheated at all. Not even one time. I haven't even come close. It is not like I was holding a cookie and had to talk myself out of it. Things have never gotten that far. The closest I came to even debating doing something like that was when I got pizza for the kids and Heather last week during her exam prep. I started coming up with reasons why it was okay for me to have a small piece. But, that was quickly squelched as I heated up some chili.
[Speaking of chili: I created an Italian Chili this week. Basically, I combined spaghetti sauce and chili. I used half beef, half Italian sausage. White kidney beans. Garbanzo beans. Green beans. Italian seasonings instead of chili seasoning. It was awesome.]
I think that is what has been surprising to both me and people around me - how easy this was. I don't really know why. But, I have felt this happen before. I remember when God finally broke through with me regarding movies and stuff, I became ruthless in my mind. I went and got my friend, Greg, so I could use his truck. We drove to my house. I went into my room and put all the movies, comic books, and secular CDs I had into the back of his truck. We drove to the church and threw it all in the dumpster. I didn't cry or anything. It just was time. That night our group was going to see Star Wars: Episode 1. I gave my ticket away (no one knew I did). Then I said I was going to lock up and would meet everyone at the theater. As they all went, I got in my car and drove north on I-75 to Dade City and turned around. I had gone far enough that there was no way I would get back in time. The students started calling when they realized I wasn't there. I made sure I couldn't go. And then I watched nothing for six months.
Alcohol has never been an issue for me. I never even think about it. Sometimes I will joke about it. But I can't even imagine what steps would have to happen for me to take a drink. My brain has built a blockade on that issue. And that is how this feels with the food. It isn't about weight loss or anything. It is about I literally CAN NOT EAT THIS. When I first started, Heather knew this time was different. When other people worried for me, she never did. She even told some people, "You don't know David. When it clicks in his head, there's no way he will mess up." She saw that same look in my eye as with alcohol and movies. It was like my brain built a blockade. I just cannot eat the stuff any more. That's it.
Well intentioned people in my life have tried to encourage me with the whole, "Well some day you may be able to eat those things again." Maybe. But, honestly, I don't care. I am not trying to make it until I am allowed to eat pizza again. I am fully expecting to never eat it again. I don't know if I would want to. Yes, it is delicious. But, why exactly would I re-introduce that? In my head, it is in the bin with beer. It is a non-negotiable. That has always been my point with alcohol. (Here is an excellent post on alcohol use by a Christian I read the other day, in case you want to read it.) After much study, thought, prayer I have come to the point where I don't believe drinking is a sin. I think that you can sin if you drink, though. If you do it to the point of excess, it is sin. If you do it and it stumbles a brother, it is sin. If you do it and it hampers your walk with God or your testimony, it is sin. And if you do it when God has told you not to, it is a sin. It may not be a sin for YOU to drink. But it would be for me. Why? Because God told me not to when I was 13 years old. It would be me willfully disobeying Him and doing something potentially damaging for me. So I don't do it.
With food, it isn't sin for YOU to eat pizza. But it is for me. Why? Because it was destructive, it was to excess, it was a substitute for relying on God. So I don't do it. (Man I wish I had that commitment to holiness on everything.) That is why is so much easier this time. I am not trying to come up with ways to circumvent some dieting structure. It has become an obedience issue. I can see how things have changed. I don't think about driving to BK or a sub place and cheating. I just try to find things that I can eat without an issue. And, the truth is, I would rather not eat than do it wrong. If it is impossible for me to find something to eat that will work, I don't eat. In ten days, I will be heading down to Orlando for five days. I'll be by myself, in a hotel. This would usually be an "anything goes" week for me. I would find my favorite foods, probably ones I don't usually get to eat, and indulge. I would have some desserts in the room for night scarfing. I always looked forward to these - an open excuse to eat stupid. But, this time, I have already been plotting out my effort. Yes, I am excited to eat down there. But it is because there are some more options for me. There is Huey Magoo's, which serves grilled chicken tenders. And there's Chicken Lickens - another place with grilled tenders. And there is Babbalou's BBQ and O'Boys BBQ and Dickey's BBQ. I am more excited by the potential to do it RIGHT. And that is pretty cool.
There are actually two efforts running simultaneously with me. The first is the removal of foods that I have been addicted to. These are the foods that I consider sins for me to consume. These are pizza and calzone, soda, dessert, breakfast sandwiches, mexican food, cheese, subs, cheeseburgers, cookies and brownies. The second effort is the reduction of carbs in my life to help burn fat off of me. This means that I am avoiding bread, pasta, potatoes, rice. It would not be a sin for me to eat a piece of pumpernickel bread or a bowl of rice. I just am not doing that because I am trying to burn fat. I have taken bites of rice and I don't feel bad about it. I added beans, peanut butter, and milk back into my diet on a small basis. They weren't problem foods. And I found out that your body doesn't burn the carbs in beans and peanuts the same as the carbs in other things. It treats it more like fiber than sugar. Hence the chili recipes and peanut butter bananas at night.
This has created a sort of gray area - like when I wasn't watching movies. Could I rent a movie? (No.) Could I watch one if it came on tv? (Yes.) So, when I look at certain foods, I don't know where they fall - especially Italian food. Originally I listed that as a problem food realm for me. But, in the long run, will all of it be a problem? If so, shouldn't I avoid the classic Italian spice structure? Lasagna, for example. Well, it is made with a mess of cheese. So, I am pretty sure that is going to be a problem. In addition, I always ate too much of that food. So, I would probably toss that in the "foods to avoid" box. Spaghetti, though, is different. Right now, I'm not eating it because I am avoiding pasta. Later, when I am not being so strict on starch intake, I don't know if I'll have a problem with spaghetti made with whole wheat pasta. As long as I eat a reasonable amount. But it is a food that I will be extremely careful with and err on the side of caution. (And, in case you wonder, after much debate I have classified Parmesan cheese as a spice instead of a cheese. Honestly, who can just eat that plain? It is more of a seasoning to me. So I still will use it in things from time to time. Just wanted to show you where the hair is being split.)
Mexican food. Well, chili is obviously okay. Chili cheese dip? Not so much. What about tortilla based stuff? For now, they are not going to work due to the carbs. And the cheese kills most Mexican options. What about putting taco meat on a salad? Well, it may be okay. But do I really want to dance with that danger? It is better to avoid it. Mexican is going to be a problem for a long time - maybe forever. What about bread? That is a big issue for down the road. Bread can be a big problem for me. When I go to a restaurant with fresh bread, I'll eat a whole basket. Bread opens the door to sandwiches and subs. That means more temptation, but also more good lunch options. I don't see bread as a sin issue. But I know it is a very dangerous food for me, so it will be treated with caution months down the road. So, you can see that some foods get clipped by the addiction effort. Others get clipped by the starch effort. Right now, I treat both efforts the same - no negotiation. Later, I will lighten up on the starch issue. That won't be for a long time. Even though I have done well, I still have a LOT to do. I need to lose over 100 pounds, still. So I won't be inviting starch back into the party any time soon. And, by the time I can, the question will be if I even want to invite it.
Lately, though, I haven't been doing much of that. Honestly, I just have been plugging along. I've lost 37 pounds, as of Monday. I have come up with tons of new approaches to food. It is kind of like I have accepted this as the way I am going to live now. I don't have a ton of weird cravings. The temptations are still there from time to time. But, they are very mild and easy to dismiss. Today, almost ate some of Gabe's Goldfish crackers when I was pouring them into a bowl. The other day we made blueberry muffins for something at Heather's school. Numerous times I nearly grabbed one out of habit. But I never ate them. Monday, I wasn't thinking and nearly took a drink of Heather's diet soda.
The thing is, I haven't cheated at all. Not even one time. I haven't even come close. It is not like I was holding a cookie and had to talk myself out of it. Things have never gotten that far. The closest I came to even debating doing something like that was when I got pizza for the kids and Heather last week during her exam prep. I started coming up with reasons why it was okay for me to have a small piece. But, that was quickly squelched as I heated up some chili.
[Speaking of chili: I created an Italian Chili this week. Basically, I combined spaghetti sauce and chili. I used half beef, half Italian sausage. White kidney beans. Garbanzo beans. Green beans. Italian seasonings instead of chili seasoning. It was awesome.]
I think that is what has been surprising to both me and people around me - how easy this was. I don't really know why. But, I have felt this happen before. I remember when God finally broke through with me regarding movies and stuff, I became ruthless in my mind. I went and got my friend, Greg, so I could use his truck. We drove to my house. I went into my room and put all the movies, comic books, and secular CDs I had into the back of his truck. We drove to the church and threw it all in the dumpster. I didn't cry or anything. It just was time. That night our group was going to see Star Wars: Episode 1. I gave my ticket away (no one knew I did). Then I said I was going to lock up and would meet everyone at the theater. As they all went, I got in my car and drove north on I-75 to Dade City and turned around. I had gone far enough that there was no way I would get back in time. The students started calling when they realized I wasn't there. I made sure I couldn't go. And then I watched nothing for six months.
Alcohol has never been an issue for me. I never even think about it. Sometimes I will joke about it. But I can't even imagine what steps would have to happen for me to take a drink. My brain has built a blockade on that issue. And that is how this feels with the food. It isn't about weight loss or anything. It is about I literally CAN NOT EAT THIS. When I first started, Heather knew this time was different. When other people worried for me, she never did. She even told some people, "You don't know David. When it clicks in his head, there's no way he will mess up." She saw that same look in my eye as with alcohol and movies. It was like my brain built a blockade. I just cannot eat the stuff any more. That's it.
Well intentioned people in my life have tried to encourage me with the whole, "Well some day you may be able to eat those things again." Maybe. But, honestly, I don't care. I am not trying to make it until I am allowed to eat pizza again. I am fully expecting to never eat it again. I don't know if I would want to. Yes, it is delicious. But, why exactly would I re-introduce that? In my head, it is in the bin with beer. It is a non-negotiable. That has always been my point with alcohol. (Here is an excellent post on alcohol use by a Christian I read the other day, in case you want to read it.) After much study, thought, prayer I have come to the point where I don't believe drinking is a sin. I think that you can sin if you drink, though. If you do it to the point of excess, it is sin. If you do it and it stumbles a brother, it is sin. If you do it and it hampers your walk with God or your testimony, it is sin. And if you do it when God has told you not to, it is a sin. It may not be a sin for YOU to drink. But it would be for me. Why? Because God told me not to when I was 13 years old. It would be me willfully disobeying Him and doing something potentially damaging for me. So I don't do it.
With food, it isn't sin for YOU to eat pizza. But it is for me. Why? Because it was destructive, it was to excess, it was a substitute for relying on God. So I don't do it. (Man I wish I had that commitment to holiness on everything.) That is why is so much easier this time. I am not trying to come up with ways to circumvent some dieting structure. It has become an obedience issue. I can see how things have changed. I don't think about driving to BK or a sub place and cheating. I just try to find things that I can eat without an issue. And, the truth is, I would rather not eat than do it wrong. If it is impossible for me to find something to eat that will work, I don't eat. In ten days, I will be heading down to Orlando for five days. I'll be by myself, in a hotel. This would usually be an "anything goes" week for me. I would find my favorite foods, probably ones I don't usually get to eat, and indulge. I would have some desserts in the room for night scarfing. I always looked forward to these - an open excuse to eat stupid. But, this time, I have already been plotting out my effort. Yes, I am excited to eat down there. But it is because there are some more options for me. There is Huey Magoo's, which serves grilled chicken tenders. And there's Chicken Lickens - another place with grilled tenders. And there is Babbalou's BBQ and O'Boys BBQ and Dickey's BBQ. I am more excited by the potential to do it RIGHT. And that is pretty cool.
There are actually two efforts running simultaneously with me. The first is the removal of foods that I have been addicted to. These are the foods that I consider sins for me to consume. These are pizza and calzone, soda, dessert, breakfast sandwiches, mexican food, cheese, subs, cheeseburgers, cookies and brownies. The second effort is the reduction of carbs in my life to help burn fat off of me. This means that I am avoiding bread, pasta, potatoes, rice. It would not be a sin for me to eat a piece of pumpernickel bread or a bowl of rice. I just am not doing that because I am trying to burn fat. I have taken bites of rice and I don't feel bad about it. I added beans, peanut butter, and milk back into my diet on a small basis. They weren't problem foods. And I found out that your body doesn't burn the carbs in beans and peanuts the same as the carbs in other things. It treats it more like fiber than sugar. Hence the chili recipes and peanut butter bananas at night.
This has created a sort of gray area - like when I wasn't watching movies. Could I rent a movie? (No.) Could I watch one if it came on tv? (Yes.) So, when I look at certain foods, I don't know where they fall - especially Italian food. Originally I listed that as a problem food realm for me. But, in the long run, will all of it be a problem? If so, shouldn't I avoid the classic Italian spice structure? Lasagna, for example. Well, it is made with a mess of cheese. So, I am pretty sure that is going to be a problem. In addition, I always ate too much of that food. So, I would probably toss that in the "foods to avoid" box. Spaghetti, though, is different. Right now, I'm not eating it because I am avoiding pasta. Later, when I am not being so strict on starch intake, I don't know if I'll have a problem with spaghetti made with whole wheat pasta. As long as I eat a reasonable amount. But it is a food that I will be extremely careful with and err on the side of caution. (And, in case you wonder, after much debate I have classified Parmesan cheese as a spice instead of a cheese. Honestly, who can just eat that plain? It is more of a seasoning to me. So I still will use it in things from time to time. Just wanted to show you where the hair is being split.)
Mexican food. Well, chili is obviously okay. Chili cheese dip? Not so much. What about tortilla based stuff? For now, they are not going to work due to the carbs. And the cheese kills most Mexican options. What about putting taco meat on a salad? Well, it may be okay. But do I really want to dance with that danger? It is better to avoid it. Mexican is going to be a problem for a long time - maybe forever. What about bread? That is a big issue for down the road. Bread can be a big problem for me. When I go to a restaurant with fresh bread, I'll eat a whole basket. Bread opens the door to sandwiches and subs. That means more temptation, but also more good lunch options. I don't see bread as a sin issue. But I know it is a very dangerous food for me, so it will be treated with caution months down the road. So, you can see that some foods get clipped by the addiction effort. Others get clipped by the starch effort. Right now, I treat both efforts the same - no negotiation. Later, I will lighten up on the starch issue. That won't be for a long time. Even though I have done well, I still have a LOT to do. I need to lose over 100 pounds, still. So I won't be inviting starch back into the party any time soon. And, by the time I can, the question will be if I even want to invite it.
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