We've been back in Orlando for less than a month now. My weight has managed to stay pretty much the same. Every time I've weighed, the scale has registered 257 and change. That's actually a little lower than it was my last weigh-in in Tallahassee. So, I'm pretty happy with that. I've found decent places to eat that work with my guidelines. There are several yogurt places available. And I have discovered the deliciousness that is Greek food. PLUS, tomorrow I am going to go hit the Food Truck Bazaar at the Oviedo Mall. Yay!
But, being completely honest, things have not all been rosy. It has been very strange going from a place where I was largely isolated to a place where I am surrounded by people I know. That was one of the things that I was most looking forward to about coming back to Orlando. But, it actually has been a very difficult adjustment. I spent two years where I didn't have a lot of interaction with other adults. When I got back, I actually started to feel pressured and stressed about keeping up with everyone. I knew there were a lot of people who wanted to see us - people to be invited over for dinner, play dates to make, work to do. The change in status seemed to trigger some kind of latent anxiety. I found myself frequently overwhelmed by social settings. It was weird - the very thing I wanted was causing a lot of stress.
How does this fit into my weight loss and food battle blog?
I didn't know either. Then Heather started her rotation at the family medicine doctor she was assigned to (another new experience that caused new stresses). Heather and the doctor were talking about patients who had lost a lot of weight through surgery. The doctor explained that these people frequently would experience intense anxiety in social settings - they would feel judged and insecure. You would think that someone who had just had such an amazing life change happen would be thrilled to be seen and interact with people. But, instead, it would be a horribly unpleasant experience.
The doctor went on to explain that what had happened was that food usually was where these people would turn when they were stressed out. But, now, they didn't have that as an option any more. Their coping mechanisms for stressful situations before was food. Now, the stress just would crash down without any relief. When Heather told me about that in the car this afternoon, it was quite a revelation. I thought back through and could see where my body just didn't know what to do. Even today, I was unraveling with the kids and shopping and everything. We came back home to drop something off and as I walked into the house, my mind said, "Go eat those cupcakes. It will help." (I didn't eat them.) And I have been craving chocolate for the last week like I was pregnant.
It makes sense. An alcoholic who doesn't have drinking to turn to any more has to find other ways to help himself function. The same goes for a food addict. I remember there was an episode of "Friends" where Monica was dating a guy named "Fun Bobby." The gang noticed how much he was drinking and confronted him about his alcohol problem. As the episode went on, Bobby stopped drinking. And he soon became boring, depressing, ridiculous Bobby. It is a similar kind of situation. All the insecurity and stress that usually was coursing through my mind was kind of hidden by food. I would turn to yummy food - especially at parties. That would give me a steady stream of happiness. I distinctly remember eating a LOT at parties over the years. The finger foods and appetizers that usually would be on display at these gatherings were perfect cover. People rarely could keep track of what you actually were consuming.
The other thing the doctor told Heather is that depression and anxiety play out differently in men and women. Traditionally, women will get weepy and teary. Guys will get irritable and short tempered. I would be a liar or an idiot to not admit that I have been both of those things in the last month. It really is amazing just how much damage I caused myself with food. If hadn't used that as a crutch for so long, I would have learned much healthier ways to deal with issues. But now, at 37 years old, I have to learn all over again how to handle things.
I get so worried that I am going to let someone down or they are going to be upset with me. I worry that when I reach out to people they don't really want me around - that I'm bothering them. I remember feeling that way back in high school. But it hasn't been this bad in a long time. Even people who are my closest friends, I worry that they get tired of me and wish I would just go away. It becomes a supreme effort to make a phone call or send a text message or email. And when those are not responded to, then it just feels like my concerns were validated. "See? They don't like you."
I have said several times to people that I am not the same person I was when I left for Tallahassee. It really is true. Part of it is that I'm almost 30% smaller than I was and I eat differently. But I approach life differently. I handle situations differently. I have different priorities. And, as I am realizing, those are not all for the better. It is a new struggle for me to face. This time, though, it will have to be without that old cheese stick crutch.
