My Birthday

Let me take you back five years today.  I was in the midst of my most successful intentional weight loss program.  I had started in mid-January and had lost fifty pounds already.  I had dropped down to 280 pounds.  For our family picture for the church directory, I was able to buy a shirt in the regular men's section instead of the big and tall section.  I had just started Defender Ministries with Charles Wise and Jonathan Pearson - fulfilling a dream to write curriculum and teach.  Things were going very well.

Then my birthday hit.  I love birthdays.  They are very important to me.  It always was a big part of our family.  While we wrestled with a lot of elements of Christmas over the years (Santa, materialism, cost), birthdays were different.  My parents got us presents.  We got to pick the restaurant that everyone would go to for dinner.  It was a special day.  And I always wanted to do the same thing for my family.  That all being said, I am probably one of few adults who loves birthdays.

On this particular birthday, I was in a great place.  I had friends at work who loved me.  I had my two good buddies with Defender.  We had two cute munchkins - one of which was a big fan of birthdays as well.  (Nat didn't quite get it yet.)  Being in the midst of a weight loss effort, I dreaded the thought of having to miss out on birthday fun.  So I made a decision to just not worry about things on my birthday.  I would eat whatever and enjoy the day and get back on track the next day.

For breakfast, the church staff brought in bagels or donuts or both.  I, of course, rejected my usual oatmeal or grits for these baked items.  For lunch, Charles and JP took me to Pizzeria Uno - my favorite place to eat.  They were doing "buy one, get one free" meals that week.  So, naturally, the three of us split four entrees.  Pizza, steak, chicken.  And tons of Code Red Mountain Dew.  For dinner, my family and I went out to Carrabba's - another of my favorite haunts.  I had Mezzaluna Carrabba - moon shaped pastas filled with cheese and meat, alfredo sauce, and grilled chicken.  And tons of Coke.  And then we went home and had cake.

I have no idea just how badly I did that day.  I remember trying to figure out the Weight Watcher points.  It was like 120 or something.  That is the equivalent of about 6000 calories.  Absolute rampage.  No big deal, right?  It was just one day.  Well, that's what I thought too.  Until I just couldn't get my mojo back.  I found myself desiring food I shouldn't have.  I wasn't satisfied with my regimented menu.  It got more and more difficult to keep up.  I wasn't finishing the week with extra flex points left over.  Instead, they were gone well before the weekend.  Within a month, I had abandoned the diet.  Before the end of the year, I had gained the weight back . . . and then some.  It was a disaster.

So how did everything unravel so quickly?  How did my attempt at discipline crash and burn so quickly.  I have many stories of this happening.  A couple years later I tried an initial version of my current food plan. I only allowed myself certain foods - chicken, beans and rice, some fruit.  It was extremely restrictive.  That time I lost 35-40 pounds rather quickly.  But it derailed and unraveled very quickly too.  When I was living in Tampa, I went an entire year without eating red meat.  Once I started again, it became my go-to food within weeks.  I went six weeks without drinking soda.  I had a root beer one day and was back to three meal soda intake within two weeks.

It seems to makes no sense that things get out of control so quickly.  I mean, with such success, how can I turn away so quickly?  The thing in all of these (with the exception of the first effort at this a few years back) is that I never really dealt with the addiction involved with food.  I still was eating and drinking all the stuff I had issues with.  I just was eating and drinking them less frequently.  My mouth and brain never really got rid of the taste memories.  I found ways to make pizza, burgers, fast food, soda, and subs fit into my diet plan.  It was pretty bizarre.

I guess imagine it this way.  If I was an alcoholic, and I deal with it the way I dieted in years past, how successful would I be?  I still drank once in a while - but only small amounts or a couple times a week.  I found beers with fewer calories, hoping that would break the draw to beer.  Or I would go all week without booze, but I could have it on the weekends.  How about going to bars with friends, but only drinking ordering soda water?  Or on my birthday, I could drink anything I wanted and just start up the next day.  Knowing what we know about alcoholism, that doesn't even make sense.  People battling alcohol or drugs have to get away from those things.  They aren't supposed to go to the places they can get them.  They don't hang out with the people who has them.  Their whole approach has to change.  There can't be a "cheat weekend" or a "day off."  Because most people who fall off the wagon, even for a day, don't have the strength to get back on.

That's the way I was.  I never totally addressed the addiction.  So when I gave myself a free day, it is little wonder that I went buck wild and never wanted to come back.  The first time that I attempted something along these lines, I didn't have clear enough rules.  I knew I was only really eating chicken.  But, I was able to convince myself that a lot of things fit into that category.  Partly, it was because I didn't want to disappoint friends or give up on the social draw of eating with people.  I knew that if I was too hard line, that I would have to miss out on lunches with friends.  And I didn't want to lose those things.  I also wasn't resolved to stick with definitions when i did go out.  I remember one time that a friend of mine was worried I wouldn't be able to find something at the place we were going.  I said, "No, its fine.  They have chicken there."  But instead of getting a simple grilled chicken item, I ended up getting something far worse - probably fried chicken tenders or something.

That is why I am not taking my birthday off.  It has haunted me for five years, what happened on that day.  I always have seen it as a huge failure.  It was an example of how weak I am.  And it just fed my concern that I had no chance of ever doing things right.  I plan on eating the same today as every other day.  No birthday donut.  No birthday pizza.  No birthday cake.  And, after what happened this past weekend, I don't plan on celebrating with peanut butter several times either, telling myself "it is okay, it is your birthday."  It will be business as usual.  The best gift I can give myself is to not allow myself to repeat the mistakes of the past.