My Beard

I hate shaving.  I think it is the male curse from the Fall.  I have ultra-sensitive skin and I get cuts and inflammation from just about any shaving option out there.  I have cut myself with electric razors.  I have tried every single fancy traditional razor - all the way up to the five bladed Fusion.  (And I will probably try the new six bladed one they are bringing out on June 6.)  So part of my affection for having facial hair was a result of avoiding shaving.

I remember having to shave through high school - well except for that sweet teenage peach fuzz moustache that I rocked for several years.  Then, as my senior year ended, I made a decision.  I shaved for the Baccalaureate service two days before graduation and then stopped.  By the time I went to UCF for Orientation in June, I had a beard.  By the time I started classes in August, I looked like a hostage.  I learned how to trim the face foliage that first semester.  And I kept the beard for the next 18 years.  I think that in that amount of time, I have only been without some sort of facial hair for maybe a month - combined.  I had a goatee for a long time - probably about ten years.  I went back to the full beard last fall - except this time I only trimmed it and let it grow further down my neck.  (Yes, it was as sexy as that sounds.)  Every so often, I will get this desire to shave - just to see what it looks like.  Or I will experiment with longer sideburns or just a goatee and no mustache.  Many of these combos makes me look like I should be perpetually working in a comic book store.  So I go back to the normal goatee or beard.

The sensitive skin is certainly an issue.  But the bigger issue is that I have always hated the way my face looks.  When I don't have a beard, my face looks like a giant pale balloon.  It is huge.  And, as I have gained weight over the years, I have gained that awesome waddle between my chin and neck.  When the beard is there, it can hide all that.  I felt it was good camouflage.  When I have shaved in years past, I would be startled at just how fat I am.

The last time I shaved my face all the way was in December 2006.  Last night, we were looking through old pictures and came across some pictures from that unfortunate experience.  I have attached an example.  Recognize the suit?  Yep, that is the SAME suit from the Gala pictures from April.  You know why it was open in this picture?  It wouldn't close.  And look at that big puffy face.  The sad things is that this was not the biggest I had gotten.  I probably had gained another ten to fifteen pounds after this.  So, you can see why I wasn't too keen on continuing with the bloated pale face act.

This was all in my perception, of course.  I have very dark hair and eyes, but very pale skin.  So I look like of like a panda when I have facial hair.  The black hair breaks up the huge balloon face.  But it also serves to mask the big waddle, the bloated cheeks, the way my eyes start to disappear in the fleshy head.  It is just another mask for me.

The other day, I got that itch again.  I was curious to see how my face looks now.  Well, there it is.  I shaved on Monday - shocking my family.  Heather came home for lunch and did a triple take.  Gabe wouldn't talk to me for an hour after I got out of the shower.  Nat and Josiah didn't realize it was me when I went to pick them up from school.  Generally, there was not a raging endorsement of it.  And I hated it.  I looked like my dad.  From the bottom eyelids down,  I was a clone of the pictures of him without a beard.  The eyes up are a clone of my mom.  But I didn't like the combination.  However, it has grown on me.  I noticed some things.

The beard makes me look darker and angrier.  It gives me a darker look, which is something I hear from time to time - that I am "too dark."  It also emphasizes some of my worst features instead of hiding them - even though I thought it hid things.  My mouth is just build as a frown.  My mom is the same way - my dad was too.  We have downturned mouths.  My beard followed those turns, and it made it more obvious.  The result was that I looked upset a lot more.  Without the beard, I think I look happier.  I also look younger.  Part of that is the lack of white hairs on my face.  But part of it is the beard aged me.  Over the last week, I have grown to actually like the new look.

Of course, the decision is mostly out of my hands.  One, the shaving is majorly irritating my face.  I hate that.  So, unless I magically find something that I never have before (a razor that won't hurt me), I'm going to have to do something.  Two, Heather likes me with a goatee.  This time, though, I am going to change it up.  I always had the goatee growing under my chin as well to mask the growing chin waddle. This time, though, I don't have to hide that as much.  So I can wear the goatee shorter and cleaner.

I know this is a bizarre post.  But, it is actually something that has come out of the weight issues.  I didn't realize how much I was hiding my body.  Fat guys do weird things to try to make themselves looks less big.  Enormous shirts, walking slumped, pulling at shirts, leaving shirts untucked, growing facial hair.  I did all of those things.  Interesting discovery.