Darth Fatso Unmasked

I promised that I would explain the name of the blog at some point.  And that time is now!  I know you all are super duper excited.  When the kids and I were playing Lego Star Wars for the Wii video game console, I decided to create a character.  This is one of the fun features - you can create a lego character and then use it in the game.  So I picked something that looked like me, gave it a light saber, and called it Darth Fatso.  It kind of stuck, so as I would create characters in the other Lego games (Indiana Jones, Batman), they were take on some derivation of the concept.

It was funny.  All in good fun.  It was how I always handled my weight issues.  I would joke about them and poke fun.  This has been going on for a loooong time now.  I guess a counselor type person would call it a coping mechanism - to joke about your insecurities and inadequacies.  I have just made it a habit.  When I teach at Defender events, my weight becomes an ongoing joke during the sessions.  It actually can be quite funny.  I had one bit that I did at the Baptist State Collegiate Conference during our Accountability session that broke everyone up, including me.

There is another game on the Wii called Wii Fit.  It comes with a balance board to do these exercises.  It is great and very useful to lots of people.  I went to try it and the system flashed up the message, "Maximum weight exceeded.  Please get off."  In reality it was humiliating.  I was mortified that I was too heavy to use a weight loss device.  But, naturally I played it for humor.  It went something like this.  "You know that people have discovered how to cheat at Wii Fit?  You can sit on the board and bounce and it simulates running.  What is the point of cheating at Wii Fit?  I mean, what benefit is there to that?  Me, on the other hand, I'm not allowed on the Wii Fit.  Seriously.  It told me so.  I got on and the machine actually said, 'You are too heavy.  Please get off.'  That's right.  I'm too fat to lose weight.  I am so big that I can't even use a weight loss device.  It asked, 'Are there two of you on there?  This isn't the livestock Wii Fit.'  Turns out I have to go to a doctor and get the industrial Wii Fit balance board.  It is made out of reinforced steel and can hold up to 1000 pounds.  It is also used by farmers with the game Wii Breed."

Typical joking for me.  The truth of the matter, though, is that I don't think it is funny at all.  I hate being fat.  I hate having to wear big guy clothes.  I hate having to identify myself as "the big guy with a beard" when telling people who to look for.  I hate having people look at me nervously on an airplane or at a buffet.  I don't like the fact that I have broken chairs, sofas, bookcases with my bulk.  And I guess I really believe that everyone around me is looking at me and going, "Man look at that enormous tub of good."  So I joke about it to diffuse the situation.

So that has created Darth Fatso.  In the Star Wars movies, when a Jedi goes over to the Dark Side to become a Sith, he becomes so immersed in that way of life that he basically dies and becomes a different character.  Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader.  When talking about Vader, Obi Wan Kenobi actually said, "Anakin Skywalker is dead. Darth Vader killed him."  The sith lord destroys what he used to be.  All that is left is Darth Whatsamadoodle.  In my case, Darth Fatso has existed for so long, that the man I was supposed to be has disappeared.  Part of my identity is that I am fat.  When I think of myself, I think of a fat guy.

I have convinced myself that I am okay with this.  I have said time and again that I am fine with being big, that it is just my cross to bear.  I have said that it was my thorn in the flesh, that helped keep me humble for years and years.  But the fact of the matter is that the Darth Fatso persona has shrouded the real me.  I know this to be true because of what happened last spring.  When I was working all those jobs (Apple, ICS, Waypoint, Defender), I was the happiest I ever had been.  I was living in the joy of the Lord.  Sure, I still thought about my weight.  I still felt embarrassed at needed bigger Apple shirts.  But, most of the time, I just let Christ flow through me.  It was so strange.  I felt great about myself, not because of how awesome I am (even though I am).  I felt great because of the Christ that lived in me.  I liked who I was when I let Him have free reign.  I ministered to those kids at the school, to my co-workers and customers at Apple, to our church members, to parents and students at Defender events.  I felt free in a lot of ways.

When I let God provide my identity, it was incredible.  I still would fall back on my jokes about my weight on a regular basis.  But the people around me actually looked pained to hear them.  They hated hearing me joke that way because they DID NOT SEE ME THAT WAY!  I was the one who saw me that way.  They saw me as something completely different.  My weight never mattered to them.  They loved me for who I really was.  I guess figuring that out gave me hope.  I thought that maybe, there was a chance for something else.

That is where the scary part comes in.  When Darth Fatso is dead, what happens next?  I honestly don't even know how to live free of food issues.  I have been a prisoner to food for as long as I can remember - literally my whole life.  What do I do?  I am a little scared - not enough to stop.  But I do wonder what it will be like.  The thing about this is, I am not doing this to get thin.  I have not even weighed in to start.  Weight loss will come as I get a handle on food.  Will I be thin?  Who knows.  Being overweight is not a sin.  There are lots of people who have metabolisms and bodies that make it nearly impossible to be svelte.  I really wonder if I will ever be "thin" by Southwest Airlines' standards.  My goal is to be free.  I want to identify myself as something different - something where God is free to operate without wading through my unhealthy affection for pizza and fried cheese.  The weight will take care of itself.

So that is why Darth Fatso must die.  He must die so that I can truly live, and so that Christ can live in me the way He wants to.  I posted the lyrics to Third Day's song Born Again on the right side of the blog.  I love this song and heard it this morning.  It really put into words what I am feeling about this effort - what I hope will happen.  I want to be born again as a man free to serve God without reservation.  I can't imagine how that will feel, but I can't wait to find out.