One of the most compelling scenes in Star Wars: Episode Five: The Empire Strikes Back: It Was So Much Easier Before We Had To Renumber These Things finds Luke Skywalker led into a cave by his Jedi Master Yoda. You can tell he senses danger, but his young padawan control of the force doesn't let him clearly see. He is soon struck with horror as he comes face to face with the evil Darth Vader. They engage in a light saber duel. Luke strikes down Vader. The head rolls towards Luke and then the mask blows off. Luke sees his own face inside - and realizes it wasn't the true enemy at all. Oh, I guess I should have said SPOILER ALERT for any of you who haven't found time to see that tiny film in the last 30 years.
I have heard lots of interpretations of this scene over the years. There are some people who say Luke is fighting his fear. Others say it symbolizes his battle against the Dark Side. And others claim it is Luke battling his heritage. This past weekend, something else struck me about this scene. I thought about all the energy and effort Luke spent battling something that wasn't even the real enemy. For that moment in the cave, he truly believed his life was at risk, that this was the ultimate danger. Only it wasn't. And, ultimately, Vader wasn't even the chief bad guy. This kind of became something I was thinking about in my own life after my experience down in Gainesville this weekend.
I was down at UF with about thirty guys - half college students - for the first Samson Society Men's Fraternity. For those of you who have not heard of The Samson Society, it is an amazing group that is trying to bring about authentic male accountability. Truly a great group started by Nate Larkin. I had a great time and really enjoyed it. As we shared, I starting thinking about my own life and the struggles in it. I thought about my battle with sensual imagery (I write it that way to not freak out web filters) - something that led to my co-creating Defender Ministries. I also thought about how I developed a real problem with movies - spending way too much time, money, and attention on films. And now there is the food issue.
I have been fighting like crazy against my food issue. The battle with Darth Fatso has been going well. For two months, I have avoided the foods that controlled me. I have lost a bunch of weight. I feel in control of my food for the first time ever. I actually am enjoying my new food approach - without the guilt that usually accompanied that level of enjoyment (you know, after eating a whole container of ice cream or a whole pizza). The battle is going great. Yet, this weekend, something bothered me.
Why the heck do I continue to get into the place where I am so easily ensnared? Why do I find myself addicted and imprisoned and out of control on things? I have been saved for over thirty years. I can honestly say that I have never turned my back on God and pursued other things. I don't have one of those testimonies that finds me in college getting drunk and ignoring church. I always have lived the life of a dedicated Christian. So, why in the heck do I constantly end up in the same place - trapped, imprisoned, addicted? I'm not talking about just sinning. Honestly, sometimes I wish it was just sin. Just a slip up here or there - something inconsequential. But it seems like I can't function that way. If I mess up, it has to be a big production and part of a monstrous destructive life choice.
I think the thing I'm worried about is what is going to happen once the weight/food issue is resolved? What is my life going to be like when Darth Fatso is dead? I would like to think that I will be able to strike out into a new way of life, one free of shackles. But, my life has not lent itself to that yet. I haven't gone from one addiction to the next - developing new problems when others were solved. They all have existed together for years. But when one is subdued, it is like one of the others rares up and begins to wreck havoc. Darth Fatso is just the latest evil iteration of myself that I have waged battle against. I already have dispatched Darth Pervert - for the most part. And I have banished Darth Oscar, where I really feel that movies are entertainment and nothing more. So, once Darth Fatso is struck down with vengeance and furious anger, will things finally be over? Or will another dude in a dark cloak and weird facial stuff show up?
I honestly worry about this. I already know that I have these ugly thoughts and impulses and desires inside of me - ones that have nothing to do with cake or bikinis or film reels. There is arrogance and pride and a love for adulation. Am I going to find myself battling Darth Snooty next? Or will it be Darth Notorious? Will I become a fame whore - striving for the very thing that drives me so crazy about modern ministers? I would like to think not. I would like to hope that I can avoid yet another battle with myself. But, I'm not so sure.
I think that I really need to dive into what exactly it is that make me so vulnerable. I'm not talking about just why do I want to eat a cheesecake or why do I want to look at pictures. I'm saying why exactly do I feel the need to become that dependent on ANYTHING. What am I doing wrong? At the crux of the matter, there has to be some need or desire that is laying there like an unquenchable thirst. Is it the crushing need for approval that I know is in there? Is it that I never felt that from my dad, so I look for it other places? Is it some sort of subconscious attempt to destroy myself? I really want to figure it out. I want to know what is really behind this. What is the Emperor Palpatine pulling the strings? That is what I really need to start battling. I need to turn my attentions onto that problem and finish this - which will then in turn help to eliminate the ugly minions that have made my life so miserable. It seems to me that the battle is changing. And I know this one will be the biggest of my life.
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