Day 45 - No Negotiation

So, I haven't been posting as frequently on this site.  I know that may lead some of you to believe that means I am struggling.  Actually, it is quite the opposite.  At the beginning, I needed to post frequently because it was hard.  I needed to think through things and try to get a handle on the change of lifestyle.  I was thinking through the "whys" and "hows" and needed a place to record what I was feeling.

Lately, though, I haven't been doing much of that.  Honestly, I just have been plugging along.  I've lost 37 pounds, as of Monday.  I have come up with tons of new approaches to food.  It is kind of like I have accepted this as the way I am going to live now.  I don't have a ton of weird cravings.  The temptations are still there from time to time.  But, they are very mild and easy to dismiss.  Today, almost ate some of Gabe's Goldfish crackers when I was pouring them into a bowl.  The other day we made blueberry muffins for something at Heather's school.  Numerous times I nearly grabbed one out of habit.  But I never ate them.  Monday, I wasn't thinking and nearly took a drink of Heather's diet soda.

The thing is, I haven't cheated at all.  Not even one time.  I haven't even come close.  It is not like I was holding a cookie and had to talk myself out of it.  Things have never gotten that far.  The closest I came to even debating doing something like that was when I got pizza for the kids and Heather last week during her exam prep.  I started coming up with reasons why it was okay for me to have a small piece.  But, that was quickly squelched as I heated up some chili.

[Speaking of chili:  I created an Italian Chili this week. Basically, I combined spaghetti sauce and chili.  I used half beef, half Italian sausage.  White kidney beans. Garbanzo beans.  Green beans.  Italian seasonings instead of chili seasoning.  It was awesome.]

I think that is what has been surprising to both me and people around me - how easy this was.  I don't really know why.  But, I have felt this happen before.  I remember when God finally broke through with me regarding movies and stuff, I became ruthless in my mind.  I went and got my friend, Greg, so I could use his truck.  We drove to my house.  I went into my room and put all the movies, comic books, and secular CDs I had into the back of his truck.  We drove to the church and threw it all in the dumpster.  I didn't cry or anything.  It just was time.  That night our group was going to see Star Wars: Episode 1.  I gave my ticket away (no one knew I did).  Then I said I was going to lock up and would meet everyone at the theater.  As they all went, I got in my car and drove north on I-75 to Dade City and turned around.  I had gone far enough that there was no way I would get back in time.  The students started calling when they realized I wasn't there.  I made sure I couldn't go.  And then I watched nothing for six months.

Alcohol has never been an issue for me.  I never even think about it.  Sometimes I will joke about it.  But I can't even imagine what steps would have to happen for me to take a drink.  My brain has built a blockade on that issue.  And that is how this feels with the food.  It isn't about weight loss or anything.  It is about I literally CAN NOT EAT THIS.  When I first started, Heather knew this time was different.  When other people worried for me, she never did.  She even told some people, "You don't know David.  When it clicks in his head, there's no way he will mess up."  She saw that same look in my eye as with alcohol and movies.  It was like my brain built a blockade.  I just cannot eat the stuff any more.  That's it.

Well intentioned people in my life have tried to encourage me with the whole, "Well some day you may be able to eat those things again."  Maybe.  But, honestly, I don't care.  I am not trying to make it until I am allowed to eat pizza again.  I am fully expecting to never eat it again.  I don't know if I would want to.  Yes, it is delicious. But, why exactly would I re-introduce that?  In my head, it is in the bin with beer.  It is a non-negotiable.  That has always been my point with alcohol.  (Here is an excellent post on alcohol use by a Christian I read the other day, in case you want to read it.)  After much study, thought, prayer I have come to the point where I don't believe drinking is a sin.  I think that you can sin if you drink, though.  If you do it to the point of excess, it is sin.  If you do it and it stumbles a brother, it is sin.  If you do it and it hampers your walk with God or your testimony, it is sin.  And if you do it when God has told you not to, it is a sin.  It may not be a sin for YOU to drink.  But it would be for me.  Why?  Because God told me not to when I was 13 years old.  It would be me willfully disobeying Him and doing something potentially damaging for me.  So I don't do it.

With food, it isn't sin for YOU to eat pizza.  But it is for me.  Why?  Because it was destructive, it was to excess, it was a substitute for relying on God.  So I don't do it.  (Man I wish I had that commitment to holiness on everything.)  That is why is so much easier this time.  I am not trying to come up with ways to circumvent some dieting structure.  It has become an obedience issue.  I can see how things have changed.  I don't think about driving to BK or a sub place and cheating.  I just try to find things that I can eat without an issue.  And, the truth is, I would rather not eat than do it wrong.  If it is impossible for me to find something to eat that will work, I don't eat.  In ten days, I will be heading down to Orlando for five days.  I'll be by myself, in a hotel.  This would usually be an "anything goes" week for me.  I would find my favorite foods, probably ones I don't usually get to eat, and indulge.  I would have some desserts in the room for night scarfing.  I always looked forward to these - an open excuse to eat stupid.  But, this time, I have already been plotting out my effort.  Yes, I am excited to eat down there.  But it is because there are some more options for me.  There is Huey Magoo's, which serves grilled chicken tenders.  And there's Chicken Lickens - another place with grilled tenders.  And there is Babbalou's BBQ and O'Boys BBQ and Dickey's BBQ.  I am more excited by the potential to do it RIGHT.  And that is pretty cool.

There are actually two efforts running simultaneously with me.  The first is the removal of foods that I have been addicted to.  These are the foods that I consider sins for me to consume.  These are pizza and calzone, soda, dessert, breakfast sandwiches, mexican food, cheese, subs, cheeseburgers, cookies and brownies.  The second effort is the reduction of carbs in my life to help burn fat off of me.  This means that I am avoiding bread, pasta, potatoes, rice.  It would not be a sin for me to eat a piece of pumpernickel bread or a bowl of rice.  I just am not doing that because I am trying to burn fat.  I have taken bites of rice and I don't feel bad about it.  I added beans, peanut butter, and milk back into my diet on a small basis.  They weren't problem foods.  And I found out that your body doesn't burn the carbs in beans and peanuts the same as the carbs in other things.  It treats it more like fiber than sugar.  Hence the chili recipes and peanut butter bananas at night.

This has created a sort of gray area - like when I wasn't watching movies.  Could I rent a movie?  (No.)  Could I watch one if it came on tv?  (Yes.)  So, when I look at certain foods, I don't know where they fall - especially Italian food.  Originally I listed that as a problem food realm for me.  But, in the long run, will all of it be a problem?  If so, shouldn't I avoid the classic Italian spice structure?  Lasagna, for example.  Well, it is made with a mess of cheese.  So, I am pretty sure that is going to be a problem.  In addition, I always ate too much of that food.  So, I would probably toss that in the "foods to avoid" box.  Spaghetti, though, is different.  Right now, I'm not eating it because I am avoiding pasta.  Later, when I am not being so strict on starch intake, I don't know if I'll have a problem with spaghetti made with whole wheat pasta.  As long as I eat a reasonable amount.  But it is a food that I will be extremely careful with and err on the side of caution.  (And, in case you wonder, after much debate I have classified Parmesan cheese as a spice instead of a cheese.  Honestly, who can just eat that plain?  It is more of a seasoning to me.  So I still will use it in things from time to time.  Just wanted to show you where the hair is being split.)

Mexican food.  Well, chili is obviously okay.  Chili cheese dip?  Not so much.  What about tortilla based stuff?  For now, they are not going to work due to the carbs.  And the cheese kills most Mexican options.  What about putting taco meat on a salad?  Well, it may be okay.  But do I really want to dance with that danger?  It is better to avoid it.  Mexican is going to be a problem for a long time - maybe forever.  What about bread?  That is a big issue for down the road.  Bread can be a big problem for me.  When I go to a restaurant with fresh bread, I'll eat a whole basket.  Bread opens the door to sandwiches and subs.  That means more temptation, but also more good lunch options.  I don't see bread as a sin issue.  But I know it is a very dangerous food for me, so it will be treated with caution months down the road.  So, you can see that some foods get clipped by the addiction effort.  Others get clipped by the starch effort.  Right now, I treat both efforts the same - no negotiation.  Later, I will lighten up on the starch issue.  That won't be for a long time.  Even though I have done well, I still have a LOT to do.  I need to lose over 100 pounds, still.  So I won't be inviting starch back into the party any time soon.  And, by the time I can, the question will be if I even want to invite it.