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I've been at this for over five months, now.  And I've seen lots of progress.  In addition to the weight loss, which has been pretty substantial, I also have completely changed my tastes and approach to food.  I have been surprised to find that I have not cheated even one time.  The only times I have even had the chance to mess up - when no one would have blamed me, when there were no other options, when someone messed up an order - I have actually stayed strong and not given in.  I've gotten to the point where food that I used to eat is just inedible to me.  It is too sweet or too salty.  In the last couple weeks, I have tried to eat some food from a New Orleans style place and from a Chinese place.  Both of them were so salty that I actually did not finish them.  It was almost like a layer of salt on my tongue.  Not very appetizing.

So, by all levels of evaluation, this has been a raging success.  I would have thought that by this point, I could have stood on the deck of a battleship and declared, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"  But, I have been quite surprised to find that - like that incorrect presidential speech - I would have been premature in celebrating.  The last few days I have had a very hard time mentally in keeping on track.  No, I still have not messed up.  But there has been almost a constant desire to.  Every meal, I want to just give up and eat something I shouldn't.  Each morning, as I get the kids' breakfast ready, my mind tries to get me to eat a Pop Tart or a waffle or some cereal.  And when I grab my yogurt, it is with resignation and disappointment.  With all of our standard summer traveling, it has been hard to keep up our meal routine.  It used to be that I would make something for dinner (pulled pork, london broil, turkey breast, chicken breasts).  That would generate enough leftover meat, veggies, and rice for me to have for lunch later.  But we have been thrown off our schedule.  So now, it has been hard to find lunch for me.

I make the kids' lunch, and then I have to find something for me - which is increasingly difficult.  Yesterday, for example, I made the kids and Heather grilled cheese sandwiches.  I kind of picked at a few things.  Pretty unsatisfying.  Dinner is usually okay.  If I have stuff planned, then all is well.  But when the days don't work enough to plan, well that is a problem.  I made the rest of the family pizza on Friday night. I had a yogurt.  You know how hard it is to sit there and make a pizza, smell the pizza, serve the pizza, and then see leftover pizza - all while knowing you get a container of yogurt?

All of this has been compounded by two other issues.  First was the peanut butter problem I addressed in my last post.  Since I lost peanuts and peanut butter, I lost a vital part of my routine.  Finding a replacement has been tough.  [By the way, I tested my peanut theory last night.  I hadn't had it all week and had some last night.  My mouth started burning and my throat felt like something was stuck in it.  I don't think it is worth playing around.]  I got a container of cashews and a back of tropical trail mix at Sam's.  They are soooo good that I actually snack TOO much with them.  I have tried to cut back, but it has been hard.  This all has contribute to the second issue.  The weight loss has, understandably, slowed down.  My last four week measurement cycle only saw a five pound loss.  This four week cycle will probably be around that.  I have been slowly drifting toward 280, but every so often I bounce back up a couple pounds due to salt or snacks.

This is very frustrating.  Friday it boiled over to some point.  On the 18th, I weighed 281.  On the 21st I was 282.  On the 25th I was 284.  (Yesterday I was back down to 282.)  Gaining three pounds in a week was so frustrating - even though I knew a bunch of it was sodium.  I kind of lost it.  "This is ridiculous!  I gain three pounds when I'm doing this right?  I even cut out peanut butter and gained weight?!? All because I had the nerve to eat some CASHEWS and FREAKING DRIED FRUIT!?!?"  That is very annoying.  If I had eaten a piece of a cake or cookies or a donut, I could at least understand.  "Well, I DID eat a donut, so I guess that is understandable."  But when I turned down those things and still went up?  That stinks.

Last night was the hardest night for me since the beginning of the whole process.  We went to Chick Fil A to give the kids a chance to play at the playground there.  I had planned on getting some BBQ on the way there, but that didn't work out.   From the moment we got into the restaurant, it was a mental war.  Just so you understand, even though Chick Fil A has a reputation as a better fast food place, it still has horrible options for me.  It is all sandwiches, with a few salads.  Their salads all are pre-made, so they have cheese on them.  And they come with a small amount of pre-cut cold chicken.  They never run sales.  And they are more expensive than most places.  For me, it is one of the worst options.  The only choice I really have there is a grilled chicken sandwich without the bun, with a bowl of fruit.  However, like at most fast food places, the grilled chicken is not very good.  It is small and very salty.  (It may not seem small when perched on a big ole bun with a huge side of fries.  But laying by itself, it looks pretty lame.)

The other problem is that they have a new spicy chicken sandwich.  It is fried.  If you have followed this blog, you probably understand the way my mind has always worked.  If a restaurant introduces a new sandwich that looks good to me, my brain will continue to come up with ways to try it until I have had it.  Usually, that happens within the first week.  Well, I wanted to try the spicy chicken sandwich.  But that was not an option.  It was fried, on bread, with cheese on it.  But there was a massive battle within my brain.  I didn't want the grilled chicken.  I wanted the spicy chicken.  However, the part that has changed kept on keeping me from getting the spicy.  I didn't order anything.  Heather and the kids ordered and ate.  The kids went to play.  The whole time there was a storm swirling in my head.  "Spicy chicken!  No!  Wait and get BBQ on the way home!  NO!  I WANT SPICY CHICKEN!!!  YOU AREN'T GETTING SPICY CHICKEN YOU FAT TURKEY!!!"  I knew it was getting later and we had to go to Target after, so getting BBQ wasn't an option.  Finally, I forced myself to go up and get two grilled sandwiches and eat just the lettuce, tomato, and chicken.  Just as I had expected, it was wholly unsatisfying and salty.

It is moments like those when it is very hard to keep this going.  I battle and fight and war.  I try to do things right.  There are so many conflicts in my head that no one knows about.  I feel guilty for eating too many nuts.  I think I'm doing something wrong for having "too much frozen yogurt."  Then there is stuff like last night, when I could have easily messed up and no one would have blamed me.  But I manage to stay strong.  And then I don't lose weight anyway.  That gets frustrating.  The challenge for all of this is realizing that it is not a short term option.  I can't take a break.  There is probably not going to be a day when I can have pizza or ice cream or burgers again.  This isn't just about weight loss.  It is about breaking the hold food had on me.  Weeks like this past one realize just how strong that hold really was - and how THAT mission is far from accomplished.