This week has been hard. I'm not sure why after four and a half weeks, I'm finally getting the occasional craving for my off limit foods. I haven't had a whole lot of desire for those foods since I started this. Sure, it is hard to sit in a room with people who are eating pizza. But I have handled that fine. I haven't wanted to drive off and sneak a pizza or a burger. But the last copule of days, I have actually had those thoughts. Last night, I desperately wanted some cake or cookies. Today, I was at Sam's with Gabe after dropping Heather off at school. We were in the frozen food section, and they had frozen steak subs. I so bad wanted to find a sub place and get a steak sub - at 9:30am. Then on the way home we drove by Itza Pizza. I've never even been there and it probably isn't that good. But, man, I wanted to go in there.
I was trying to think through why it has been so bad this week. I came up with two main reasons. First of all, this is the week between. We are on the go more than your average family. I would wager that we are not at our house about one out of every four weekends. We are down in Tampa visiting my mom and sister. Or we are in Middleburg visiting Heather's parents. Or we are up in Rock Hill visiting Heather's brothers and their families. And then there is the random Defender Ministries event in Orlando, or the very random trip. So a couple of times a year we have trips on consecutive weekends. The week between is always very rough. Things are off kilter. You have just gotten back from somewhere, which was exciting and different. And you are about to go somewhere, which is exciting due to the anticipation. But that week in between is hard. You are rushing around, trying to get the laundry done. You kind of unpack, but know that you have to re-pack in just a couple of days. The food purchases and cooking have to be timed so things don't go bad when you aren't home. So, there usually a more sparse supply of foodage. Everything just is in flux.
Last weekend we were in Atlanta. This next weekend we are going to Jacksonville. I am teaching at the Florida Baptist Collegiate Conference and the family is staying with Heather's parents. So this is a week between. I always have a hard time during those days. I kind of get depressed. We had a ton of fun last week on our impromptu trip. And I am REALLY looking forward to the conference. I love teaching college kids and hanging out with these ministers. Plus I get to hang out with Charles Wise for two days - and I miss him a lot. It is always hard for me to not see the week as a waste of time, just kind of being in a holding pattern. Add to it that Heather has had an awful week at school - tons of work. Tuesday she was gone 8-8. Today she had a mid-term, so she was studying like crazy last night. Tomorrow she has her big weekly quizzes, so she has to study tonight. I haven't had much time with her this week. We haven't even been able to watch our shows this week! You know how hard it is to know that there is an unseen episode of Lost on the DVR? You have to avoid all kinds of websites and blogs and twitter updates.
This all was compounded by the other main reason that I have had a hard week. I've been lonely this week. I went to lunch on Tuesday with Greg. It seems like every time that I get to hang out with someone, it actually makes it worse the following days. I think that when I have a long stretch of not seeing anyone besides my family, I just kind of get numb to it. I get used to being alone. But when I actually get to see someone, it reminds me how badly I miss that. So I want to have more interaction, which gets me down when that doesn't happen. Today, I was hoping to have lunch with Heather. But she has her weekly lunch with her prayer partner. Then I tried to get in touch with a minister up here that I know. He was meeting a bunch of students for lunch. He said I could go, but I knew that it wasn't going to work for Gabe to do that. Then I asked Greg, but he had plans already. And that's all the people I know, basically.
I have been having a hard time dealing with the isolation this week. I have been very frustrated with the slowness that seems to plague Defender Ministries' growth. I have ideas all the time for how to spread the message we are teaching. But every one of them requires money. And we don't have any. We are completely stuck. Even if we wanted to apply for grants, we still need to copyright our stuff before entering those processes. So, until we get money to go through that copyrighting obstacle course, we are just stuck in the mud. That gets me upset. And then God reminded me about Luke 16:10, where we are told that we need to be faithful in the small things. That motivated me yesterday to be more engaged in my chores at the house. But it also got me more down, bashing myself for things that I feel I haven't done as well as I should have. Then I was reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It is a good book - something that has kind of rekindled some passion for God. But the chapter I'm in is one of those, "Here's a list of all the sucky things you do that proves that you are a lousy Christian." I understand the benefit of being told you are a big pile of dirt. I mean, the first half of Romans is like a giant beatdown administered by Paul - the literary equivalent of being taken behind the woodshed. And I like Tony Evans BECAUSE he writes in a way to make you feel like a big loser. However, there are times when I don't reapond so well to being told I'm a giant punk. This week? One of those times.
Now, I have presented an equation for a food meltdown. If this were December of last year, I would have dealt with this particular set of circumstances in a very healthy and beneficial way. I would have gone to Publix last night and purchased something like Double Stuf or ice cream or a cake. This morning, I would have stopped by McDonald's while running errands for some sausage and cheese biscuits with a giant Coke. Then for lunch, since I was left to eat by myself with Gabers, I probably would have gone to a sub shop or Checkers or something. This all would have been my effort to make myself feel better. And, this is where my brain immediately went today. It's really interesting that even after a month of doing the right things, there still are neural pathways that are very active in pushing me in the wrong direction. I haven't had any of those foods in weeks. And I probably wouldn't even enjoy them - since my taste buds have been going through a reformation. Add to it the shame, guilt, and failure. Now I can see how dumb that would be.
I fought off the desires. At Sam's I bought a big pack of red grapes. My brother in law, Mike, had reminded me about frozen grapes the other day. I like frozen grapes. We used to eat them when I was growing up. They are delicious on ice cream. (Just kidding - they are not good on ice cream.) So I have those in the freezer now, to be ready for night time. Then I bought some ice-glazed chicken breasts. I have chicken in the freezer, but those ice-glazed ones are so much easier to cook straight out of the freezer. I thought it would be good to have those for lunch, so I can make them easily and quickly. (This is of the essence when dealing with a two year old with a very small nap window.) Then I came home and had my usual yogurt and banana for breakfast.
I have been really surprised to see the reasons why I ate like I did. It wasn't just about food tasting good. Because I still eat food that is good. Last night, we had a turkey breast that was wonderful. I really like good chicken. [Do you know how few places even sell anything healthy? I have always - even when I was eating like an idiot - always enjoyed well cooked chicken breast. I remember all the restaurants that has great chicken. Grady's American Grill had the best chicken I ever had - and then had a half dozen menu items that used it. Long Horn has really good chicken. Red Elephant is a new place I have found. Why don't more places make good, healthy chicken?] So a lot of my food choices were not just because of taste. A lot of them had nothing to do with food at all - it was meeting some other need. It is no wonder nothing I ever did to fix my weight every worked. I was fighting the wrong battle. Now, each time I am confronted with an old enemy, I really try to analyze it and see what is truly happening. When I successfully navigate that challenge, it feels like another chain is broken. That helps me feel better about facing the next week between.
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