ReBoot

If my weigh loss journey was a movie franchise, it would be The Matrix.  The first year equals the first movie.  It was endlessly fascinating and amazing to watch.  Losing one hundred pounds in twelve months is a great accomplishment, just like the first Matrix was a great accomplishment of cinema.  People left the experience happy and talking about what they just were witness to.  The second year equals the second movie.  There was a lot of hype and it was pretty passable.  There were some awesome moments.  (Like the interstate chase sequence - in the movie, not the weight loss.)  But it was disappointing.  The third year is the third movie.  The wheels completely came off.  It is hard to believe that this is the same franchise/journey.  It is a disaster.

To recap my personal journey, in the first year, I lost one hundred pounds.  I didn't exercise to speak of.  I merely cut out foods that I could not control - burgers, subs, pizza, pasta, breakfast sandwiches, bread, cheese, ice cream, baked goods, soda.  I was very strict with myself and establish a tight perimeter of food allowances.  The weight came off quickly and consistently.

In the second year, I maintained that loss for most of the time.  I would fluctuate between 255 and 265 most of the time, depending on a variety of factors.  I also started to loosen the restrictions a bit.  It didn't seem realistic to have such an unyielding set of guidelines forever.  I still kept the troubling foods away.  But I wasn't hyper-paranoid all the time.  Things seemed to go pretty well until November - 22 months into the process.

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It is something I have dealt with for years.  A while back I had a bad go of it and had to start some treatments for it.  But it went into a kind of remission for several years.  During this weight loss process, the RA came roaring back.  It really made no sense.  Every time I saw a doctor about the RA, they would suggest I lose weight.  They thought the less stress on my joints, the better they would be.  Instead, the opposite happened.  I'm not going to lie about it - that was frustrating.  I thought that I would be hurting less, not more.  It finally got so bad that I had to start seeing a doctor to begin treatments.  After a year of that course of medication, things were not improving.  So I found a rheumatologist in Orlando and began aggressively dealing with the RA.  I went onto methotrexate and folic acid.  A side effect of that medication was a return of my acid reflux - which had gone away after I lost weight.  I also, for some bizarre reason, had to begin taking allergy medicine for the first time in my life.

I don't know if the cocktail of medicines caused it or not.  But instead of floating within that ten pound window like I had for almost a year, I rapidly gained another fifteen pounds.  By March of this year - 27 months into the process - I was consistently at 280.  Again, this caused massive frustration to me.  I hadn't changed my eating habits that drastically from the second year.  So why did I pack on the extra fifteen pounds so rapidly?  After a few months of that, I got quite irritated.

If you have never battled weight issues, let me tell you the most disheartening thing you can face.  It is when you are working hard, depriving yourself of foods, watching everyone else have fun, and things are not progressing.  Actually, that is the second most disheartening thing.  The WORST thing is when you are doing all of that and you GAIN weight.  At a certain point, it feels pointless to keep up the effort.  If you are going to gain weight doing things right, might as well do things wrong.  Right?

The summer rolled around and the kids were out of school.  This combined with a tough financial stretch for us.  It has always been tough financially with Heather in medical school.  But this summer felt tighter than ever before.  This is an undeniable truth: it costs a lot to eat healthy.  Vegetables, meat, fruit - those things are expensive.  It is much easier and cheaper to rely on less healthy foods.  It just became too difficult to make sure I always had lunches and leftovers that fit into my food plan.  So I kept backpedalling. I started eating sandwiches for lunch with the kids.  I still restricted myself to wheat bread, no cheese, and would add mustard and pickles to add flavor with few calories.

The monetary issues combined with my eroding willpower made for a disastrous situation.  Before I knew it, I was having a lot of the foods I had banned before.  In fact, there are very few things that I have not allowed myself to have - justifying it the whole way.  The fact of the matter, though, was that I just stopped caring.  The last time I weighed a little over a week ago, I was up to 292.  I have gained back 37 pounds.  Actually, it may be more - I don't know.  I am afraid I can't stop this train.  Even though I know I will absolutely hate myself if I can't control this, I still haven't gotten things under control.  The really sad thing is that I have watched two of my friends who weighed much more than me successfully drop a lot of weight.  One has lost 187 pounds in under a year.  The other is up near 100 pounds.  I know it is possible.  I've experienced it and watched it.  But I still have trouble believing that I can do it again.

The reason I made the link to a movie franchise is because there is a new practice in Hollywood that I think can apply to my efforts.  It is the reboot.  When a movie franchise has run its course, or horribly derailed, it gets a reboot.  We have seen this with Spider-Man, X-Men, Batman, The Hulk, Star Trek.  It is a successful business model.  You still are able to utilize the popular franchise but can just ignore the disaster that came out a few years earlier.  This is what I need to do.  I need to reboot my weight loss efforts.

As successful as my process was the first time, there were some major flaws.  First of all, I never really learned to not treat food as a coping mechanism.  As I have documented on this blog, food makes me happy.  When I am sad, I eat.  When I am stressed, I eat.  When I am celebrating, I eat.  For a plethora of reasons, food fills that role in my life.  I never learned to change that; I just changed WHAT foods I used for that.  Instead of pies and donuts, I would have frozen yogurt.  Instead of pizza, I would have 4Rivers BBQ.  I found "acceptable" foods within my parameters to use.  But I needed to stop that reliance on food for happiness.  That needs to change.  Second, I never learned to control portion sizes. If anything, I ate more than I used to.  Since I wasn't eating pasta, I would have extra meat.  If I couldn't have what everyone else was having, I would have a big pile of meat.  Again, I may not be having five slices of pizza.  But my portion sizes were still out of control.  My bowl of frozen yogurt was the same size as the bowl of ice cream I used to have.

Third, I never exercised.  People told me to do it.  I told them to shut it.  I hate exercise.  I hate sweating.  I hate manual labor or physical exertion.  But the weight loss cannot be maintained without some physical activity.  What I found is that I hit an equilibrium point where my stagnant lifestyle and my reduced caloric intake meet.  So, when I relaxed my restraints even a small amount, that added influx of calories was over what I burned sitting and using the remote.  As much as I detest the thought of it, I HAVE to add some kind of exercise.  Fourth, I danced too close to the flame, if you will.

When you combine all of that, it is time for a reboot.  I know it won't be easy.  I have gotten back into the habit of eating some stuff I shouldn't have.  And it still tastes good.  It is going to be a hard journey to break the habits a second time.  I know it can be done.  But there are a lot of doubts in my mind.  I just can't stand the thought that I will be back where I was.  Time to reboot.

Two Years: The Rise of Darth Fatso

It kind of snuck up on me, but today is two years since I started a process to change my life.  When I began, I weighed 355 pounds and had absolutely no self-control when it came to me approach to food.  I have tried to document my process on this blog.  For the first year, I was pretty faithful.  The second year, things became more spotty.  Part of the reason was that it was maintenance.  When I started, my goal was to lose 100 pounds in the first year - strictly by changing my food habits.  I accomplished that.  For my second year, I wanted to maintain that loss.  I wanted to learn how to live this new way.  I needed to explore what exactly I could and couldn't do.  I really just wanted to maintain my weight and resolve.  Year three I would move on to exercise.  In year two, while I was largely successful, to say that I accomplished my goal would be stretching it.

First of all, the cold hard facts.  I currently am 270.  That is down a net of 85 pounds from this weekend in 2010.  But, it is up 15 pounds from last year.  For much of this year, I was able to stay in the 260-265 range.  But the last few weeks, I found myself creeping up higher.  My clothes have started to feel a little tighter, although hard for others to really notice.  I have some shirts I don't like wearing.  The belt has gone back one hole.  I was hoping to rally right before I hit the second anniversary.  But my efforts fell short.  I know that lots of people would say encouraging things.  "Look how far you've come."  "You've still done a great job."  "That isn't so bad."  Those people mean well, but that is honestly what got me into trouble in the first place.  We can always find people who will tell us we aren't so bad.  And we can always compare ourselves to someone else and feel okay.  For me, I can compare myself to that fat load of goo from 2010.  Compared to HIM, I am fine.  But if I compare myself to 2011 David, I am not fine.

What happened?  I wouldn't go so far as to say I've relapsed.  I can point to countless examples of where I  am not even the same person I was then.  But I can definitely say that I am not as disciplined, diligent, careful as I was.  In some areas, I have gotten lazy.  The image that comes to mind is that of an ancient walled city.  There would be these walls all around their property.  The purpose was to keep OUT invaders.  There was a big deterrent there.  Massive energy had to be exerted to breach those walls.  You had to have equipment strong enough to take them down or enough manpower and resources to lay siege to the city.  It largely was a pointless endeavor.  Why would you go and attack some walled up, heavily defended city when there was some weak tailed undefended township up the road?  Those walled cities did have vulnerabilities, though.  If you eliminate the involvement of God and throngs of horn playing Israelites (Jericho), I would wager that the biggest threats to those cities came from within.  You could have someone betray the city and allow invaders in, someone incompetent who forgot to lock the doors, or people who failed to keep the walls strong.

The problem with walls is that they don't only keep people out.  They also trap their citizens IN.  There were many times during this process where I felt like a prisoner.  I felt trapped in my restrictions.  And I hated it.  I could understand that feeling being necessary for the first stretch.  But twenty months in?  It gets old, quite frankly.  It sucks.  I hated being the only one not eating pizza.  It is a lousy feeling at a wedding watching everyone chug my favorite micro-brewed root beer while I have to be satisfied with water.  I don't like it.  I can see where a person in a walled city could be convinced their security isn't worth the trapped feeling.  I also don't like the constant vigilance.  It wears me out and it gets frustrating.  That is the maintenance end.  People in those cities had to constantly check the status of the walls.  Time and weather and wind and animals and moss and grass all work together to slowly compromise those stone security options.  If you don't keep a wary eye peeled, those walls can become useless as cracks and holes appear.  This was where I really started to fail.  Little decisions would lead to bigger issues.  I didn't stop a bad choice, and it led to something worse.

Let me explain with a food example.  One of the biggest food items I had to banish was bread.  Bread was something that I just couldn't control at all.  It was a part of some of my biggest problem foods.  By getting rid of bread, I also eliminated subs, burgers, melts, pizza, calzone.  It was an important and vital decision.  No bread.  For the most part, I have really stuck to that.  But, here is how an erosion  happens.

• NO BREAD!
• A friend asks, "What constitutes 'bread'?"  A fair question.  At first, the answer is everything that uses flour to make it.  For the first stretch, I was draconian in my application of this rule.
• What about cornbread?  Well, it is more corn based.  I never have liked cornbread very much.  So maybe that will work.  I found myself eating it too often, so I kicked it back out.  But then I allowed it again.  
• Cornbread is okay.  That means that whenever I go to 4 Rivers, I can get cornbread instead of their biscuits.  At Jason's Deli, I can use their corn muffins on the chili.  At Cracker Barrel, I can have the corn muffins.  At Boston Market, I can have the cornbread.  When I make chili for everyone and buy cornbread, I can have that too.  It is amazing how often cornbread presents itself once you decide you can eat it.
• What about battered objects?  NO!  They violate two major banned foods - bread and fried foods.
• What about battered veggies?  Like pickles or onions or zucchini?  Would those be okay?  Hmmmm.  Okay, as a cheat fried pickles will be fine.  Plus they are really hard to find.  (Not really.  I find them all over the place.)  And onion rings will be okay, but not all the time.  (Yes, all the time.)  But no french fries.  That is the line.  Unless they are sweet potato fries.  No white potato fries.  That is the real line.
• How about egg rolls?  They are friend, but they are stuffed with cabbage and stuff.  Plus they go great with your chicken and rice.  No.  Are you sure?  Okay, fine.  Especially when they are avocado egg rolls.  
• How about hush puppies?  We already established that corn bread is okay.  And fried stuff is sometimes okay.  What about hush puppies?  Are those okay?  We'll allow them.  No reason to be too legalistic, right?  
• Corn based products seem to have some more validity.  As a correlation to this rule, it begin to affect my approach to chips.  Whereas I had restricted myself to rice based chips, now I wonder if I can have corn chips.  This especially applies to chips at Mexican restaurants.  See, salsa and guacamole are great and things I can eat.  But I need a delivery system.  So I begin to allow myself to have those chips at Mexican places.  
• Have you ever been able to control yourself eating chips and salsa at a restaurant?  Yeah, me neither.  This now allows me to get chips, salsa, guac at any Mexican place.  I still will almost always pick rice chips when they are available.  But they are never around at a restaurant.  
• Since we are on the topic of chips, what about pita chips?  That is the option when hummus is involved - another great allowable dip without a good delivery system.  Well, how often are you really going to find pita chips?  So those are okay.
• Of course, some places give you just plain pitas with your hummus.  Or flatbread.  Those are okay too, since they are in the delivery of hummus.  Which is healthy.
• Since flatbread is okay, and gyro meat is also allowable.  (I discovered how awesome Greek food is.  It fit my diet perfectly until this bullet point.)  So is hummus and tzatziki sauce (yogurt based).  So, then are gyros okay when there aren't that many other great options?  Sure.  Why not.  
• So, let's take stock here.  No bread, no chips.  Except for cornbread, fried veggie products (except fries), egg rolls, hush puppies, corn chips, pita bread, pita chips, flatbread.  (ummmmm)  
• So what about hard shell tacos?  I mean, isn't it kind of ridiculous and hypocritical to allow chips with salsa and guac, but not the corn taco shells for tacos?  It would make things so much easier to be able to order tacos than always to have to get fajitas and mix it all up on the plate.  Okay, fine.  Tacos are okay.  But only hard shell!
• What about pumpkin bread?  That is not really around much of the year.  Maybe this could be a cheat item?  I'll allow it.  But very warily so.  [Note: this particular though process came up three times and all three times ended up with me with the equivalent of waking up in a storm grate with a pumpkin bread hangover.  NOT smart.]  Okay, so maybe not pumpkin bread.  
• Banana bread?  See the above point.
• What about crackers?  I mean, crackers are so innocent.  People recovering from vomit fits have crackers.  Plus, they are a part of communion at church.  How bad can they be?  Hmmmm.  Good point.  We'll allow them for communion.  (Yes, I actually had a conflict about taking the cracker at communion in that first year.  I was hardcore.)  And I guess they can be used once in a while.  
• Breaded and fried veggies are okay.  What about fried and breaded chicken?  Awww, heck no.  That is a big no no in these parts.  But it is so freaking annoying to only eat grilled chicken.  And it is so hard to get that everywhere.  Plus, it costs more.  And it has smaller portion sizes.  It would make things so much easier to allow it.  Slowly, I allowed it.  But I tried to limit it to only when there was not a legitimate other option.  (Funny how loose that standard becomes.)
• Keep in mind, that through all of this process, my weight has stayed around 260.  So, since the weight hasn't gone up, I felt that my choices may have been okay.  
• Does that cracker clearance include Ritz Chips?  They are just like Ritz crackers, but crispier.  Plus they go great with that peanut butter yogurt dip.  The judge will allow it.  Now, go scarf a whole bag down on New Year's Eve.
• How about tortillas?  Absolutely not.  Under no circumstance will tortillas be allowed.  Whole wheat?  Nope.  Spinach?  Nope.  Ezekiel 23 mulit-grain high protein?  Nope.  No tortillas.  Please? NO!  
• Okay, let's say all of you are at a burger place and they have a very limited menu and one thing you can have is a grillen chicken wrap.  And they have loads of topping you can have (salsa, guac, roasted peppers), but they need to wrap it up.  And they have a whole wheat option?  How about then.  We'll allow it . . . once.  
• Next day - What about burritos at Moe's?  You can have everything inside of it.  And they have whole wheat ones.
• SCREEEEECH!!!  

The car came to a major halt.  Here was a major problem and I knew it.  See where that process went?  See where it ended up?  I had allowed so much stuff that it was hard to keep any standards.  And if I couldn't keep up with my rules by myself, how could I expect anyone else to?  People already had a hard time following my logic from the outset.  ("Wait, hot dogs are okay but not burgers?  You can have BBQ but not whole wheat pasta?")  Now when I was scrambling my own standards, when I would ask someone else what they thought, they had no idea what to say.

I ended up allowing myself cheats here and there.  But no cheat ever stays a cheat.  I know this.  I can look at that list now and realize how insane the process was.  But I never really examined it like that before.  It was a gradual erosion.  It took two years.  But there I was, yesterday, trying to convince myself not to get a burrito - one of my clearly banned foods.  (I didn't get it, if you were worried.)  Once a cheat is allowed, my mind would revisit that to see if it really was a "one time deal" or if it could be incorporated again.  My largest determining factor was the scale.  As long as I kept things around 260, I was okay.  I would have stayed at a net loss of 95 pounds.  Who wouldn't be happy with that?

But then I started to question this logic.  Was this really just a five pound fluctuation?  Or was it the first year of a process of gaining five pounds every year?  Would I sit there at the end of year three at 265?  Then 270?  Was I going to gain five pounds each year until I was back where I was?  Isn't that how I got to 355 in the first place?  It's the same thing that happened with my credit cards in the past.  I had a student card I got my first week in college.  It was one of those $500 limit cards.  By the time I hit the wall with it years later - after virtually living off it for years - it was, let's say, NOT a $500 limit.  I paid it off at one point.  But a few years later, it was back up to the former limit again.  I started to worry that I all I had done was reboot my weight so I could go back up.  Of course, I punched myself in the brain and said shut up.  I didn't want to have to get really strict again with myself.  I had already done that.  And I could look at all the victories and still believe I was fine.

There are many victories.  I still have not had any pizza, pasta, lasagna, pie, subs, sandwiches, burgers.  I can mostly say I haven't had any soda, ice cream, or cheese - although cheese has snuck into a very small number of items, I had one small cup of sugar free ice cream in December, and I have had a total of five sips of soda.  I can honestly say I have held those two food at bay and kept them on the banned list.  But I had cookies this Christmas.  I had some cupcakes.  You have seen my bread experience.  I have chocolate and frozen yogurt all the time.  So, while I have kept the spirit of my restrictions list alive, I have definitely had a field day violating the spirit of it.  Honestly, if I evaluated myself today, I would have to say that my struggle is not a raging victory.  Instead, I kind of feel like I'm playing Risk.  And even though I still have small armies all over the place, I don't have strong reinforcements anywhere.  I don't really control any complete continents.  And a strong attack may just completely collapse my army.

Two major things brought me to that conclusion.  The first was the fact that I was back up to 270 and it wasn't just a blip after a trip.  It was there for a few days.  That showed me there was trouble.  The second thing was that I saw a good number of my friends doing something called a Daniel Fast on Facebook.  From what I can gather, it is a thirty day fast where people try to follow Daniel's example with food.  They aren't eating any processed food.  They pretty much are banishing meats and rich foods.  The goal is to teach self control and to focus on living a pure lifestyle.  It is a noble thing to do.  In the past two years, I have seen numerous friends go through efforts to lose weight and/or change their eating.  I always  have been very supportive, as the friend on the other side.  Lately, though, I have felt some jealousy for them.  I started to go with the whole "well they had more to lose" defense.  And when I saw all these people doing the Daniel Fast, I started to hear that same mocking voice that used to reside in my head.  I had largely banished that voice.  But there it was, ridiculing what they were doing - trying to make me feel better about where I was.  I found reasons to diminish their efforts.  A lot of these people are at a church in Arkansas where a friend of mine is the Pastor.  The church is going through this process as a whole.  The thing is, we are doing a conference at that church in February.  Instead of thinking of how to join with them in their work, I began to count on the calendar to make sure they were "over their stupid little food thing" by the time I got there.

What the heck is wrong with me?  It hit me this morning full blast that I am in trouble.  Sure, I can keep up the half-hearted efforts I am making.  I could go through a little intense phase of a week or two to get myself back down to 260.  Then I would feel better about myself and go back to what I was doing.  I could just be more careful with the allowances.  The thing I realized two years ago was that this wasn't about food.  It was about my heart and my mind.  I needed to change my life.  Honestly, I don't want to do this again.  I don't want to go back through this garbage.  It sucks.  It is a lousy situation.  It is restricting and painful and uncomfortable.  But, if I am really being honest, I am not happy where I am.  I posted last week about how I felt that God was telling me that this year was the year for me to wake up.  I think that applies to this effort.  I've been sleepwalking through this.  There is very little thought involved. When it comes to a questionable food choice, I used to err on the side of strictness.  Now I err on the side of ease.  How else can I explain eating a cupcake - let alone three cupcakes - at a Christmas party?  How can I explain even considering ordering a burrito?

So, I guess that means that I need to go to Publix and get the things necessary for me to actually accomplish this.  I need to fix the walls and pull the guides back in.  There needs to be a strictness applied again.  Some of those questionable food choices need to be revoked.  Maybe some of those foods that got allowed in because they weren't seen as problems actually are.  Maybe corn products are more of problem than I thought.  I also do still want to add in exercise this year.  I think it is time, as much as it terrifies me. In short, I need to realize that Darth Fatso is not dead.  Just like George Lucas is going to resurrect Darth Maul this Spring in The Clone Wars show, I need to realize Darth Fatso was merely biding his time.  And I must fight again.  I've seen enough movies.  I should have realized that villains never disappear after the first loss.  That why sequels exist.

My Little House

This weekend, my blog came up in conversation a couple of times.  (Let's not get into what kind of boring conversations that I dabble in that my blog is a hot topic.)  It made me think about my writing and I took a look at my recent posts.  I couldn't find any.  I realized that I have hardly been posting at all.  I've only posted once on this blog since the beginning of August.  I haven't written anything on my Darth Fatso blog since July.  I haven't even been keeping up with my Fantasy Football League blog - and I usually don't give up on that until the middle of the season.  I know that every so often I do one of these examinations and, for a while, I'll get more motivated.  But this time, something is different.

Something has been going on with me for a while - and I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.  It isn't exactly the same as the depression that I battled back in Tallahassee.  But there are some elements of that. I have hesitated to write much about it.  It is kind of personal and hard to just put out that for all three of you to read.  I remember, though, that other people have benefitted from me exploring my mistakes and stupidity in years past.  As the Demotivators poster states so eloquently, "It may be your life is merely to serve as a warning sign to others."  Shoot, my entire Darth Fatso blog is basically a giant therapy session. In addition, from some things I have heard from friends lately, I'm not the only one feeling like this.

I have developed a theory.  Well, its more like an extended metaphor.  Each one of us is like a little house.  As we grow up, our house changes to reflect our personality.  We plant little flowers and paint the outside like our favorite teams.  We hang banners and put garden gnomes out front.  It isn't much, but it is kind of who we are.  As time goes along, the people in our lives visit the house.  Some of these people make our house a little nicer.  Maybe they bring a nice potted plant when they come over.  Those people also can hurt our house.  They can bust out a window or smash into the wall.  They can peel the paint and rip up the garden.  Unfortunately, it seems like there are more people who fall into this second category.  More people are in the demolition business than the home restoration industry.

Those hurts are very real and have wide ranging effects.  As a child, we may hear from a parent, "Pardon me, sir, but apparently you think you are talking to someone who gives a s---," when you tell them a story.  Or someone may tell our friends, "Just nod and smile and eventually he'll stop talking."  That begins to make us feel like no one wants to hear what we have to say.  We start to wonder if everyone feels that way, which makes us pull away and worry that when we try to talk to someone they won't really care.  We may be ridiculed for being fat and unathletic.  It is combined with the way society treats and views overweight people.  Mix in constant rejection by the opposite sex.  A person starts to feel worthless.

"You're wasting your talents doing something like that instead of earning big money."  That means that unless you earn enough you are a failure.  "Why did you get the B?"  That means that even bringing home A's for years and being valedictorian isn't enough.  Perfection is the only way to get approval.  When doctors tell you that you that it is all in your head, rather than find out what is wrong, you begin to lose faith in doctors.  You feel you have to prove your injury for anyone to believe it - or that it needs to be really severe to deserve attention.  We all have these things happen to us.  Words, actions, attitudes.  They pierce us and wreck havoc on our house.  Soon, we learn that the way to survive this damage is to protect ourselves.

We build false walls all around our little house.  We plant huge hedges.  We construct a corn maze around our property.  We add giant decorative topiary in the shapes of our favorite animated characters.  In my life, I built these all around me.  I developed a very sarcastic way of speaking.  I was able to be brutal and cutting and disguise it as jokes.  I because extremely judgmental.  I felt that I was better than other people because I was smarter or more spiritually discerning or whatever.  I was completely oblivious to the fact that it was because I felt so inferior.  I would walk into a room and look around.  I saw the guys who were better looking than me or more fit than me.  I saw the girls who were too good for me.  There would be people who were more outgoing and socially comfortable.  I felt like a loser.  Over time, I started to find what made me feel better - my smarts, my Bible knowledge, my sense of humor.  Eventually, I started walking into a room and assuming I was the smartest in there.  Worse still, I would judge the others for it.

I turned to food as a solace.  Some of that was because that was one of the few things my father and I could relate about.  But a lot of it was a comfort.  I would when I was sad.  I would eat when I was happy.  I would eat when I didn't know what I felt like.  I found foods that made me feel good and soon reduced my diet almost exclusively to those things.  McDonald's burgers, Miami Subs steak subs, mozzarella sticks, desserts, soda.  And lots of pizza.

Even with all of those protective measures, sometimes pain would get through.  There were people who could still fire an attack that went all the way through the walls, the hedges, the Elmo shaped tree.  THOSE wounds were far worse.  They would cause more overreaction, more protection.  And those levels of defense often included pulling away from those people or becoming very angry or refusing to forgive them.  Bitterness sets in.  That poisons our relationships with everyone - making us even quicker to judge and slower to get over it.  That is where I found myself.

The last thirty months or so have been the most tumultuous of my life.  I have gone from working full time to being a stay at home dad.  I have lost 100 pounds and completely changed my eating habits.  We have gone through the most trying financial stretch of our lives (which is really saying something).  My rheumatoid arthritis flared up worse than it ever has been.  Heather's grandparents passed away - two people I had grown very close to.  I went through deep bouts of loneliness and depression.  I began to notice just how damaging my temper and sarcastic words were.  I heard my children repeating my comments and saw them copying my behaviors.  That forced me to change.  The solitude led to much self-examination and chances to work on my shortcomings. Through all of that, I have found that many of these walls and hedges and decorative foliage have been torn down.  My unhealthy coping mechanisms have been disrupted.

I have gone back to several people I hurt over the years and apologized for my behaviors and comments.  Recently, I went to someone and worked to repair our relationship.  I had said things that had hurt him and he had done things that had hurt people close to me.  At the end of the conversation, I felt completely different.  A huge weight had lifted off of me.  I had been carrying that anger and lack of forgiveness for years.  But, more than weight, it was almost as if I had seen a massive wall torn down.  And for the first time in decades, I saw my little house again.  It was battered and damaged.  And that terrified me.

As all of those protective coverings disappeared, I began to feel raw and vulnerable.  Things that didn't use to bother me hurt me now.  I got overwhelmed by the things I had to do.  Just trying to look at daily chores, work responsibilities, upcoming events seemed to cause a meltdown.  Last Sunday, I just sat on the couch and cried for what seemed like forever.  My head hurt and it felt like I busted a blood vessel in my eye.  The next day, my eyeball itched and burned all day.  All week I felt a little disoriented and weak.  Last night, something as simple as forgetting to cut the onions for on the grill started me crying.  It is an uncomfortable place to be.  I don't like it.  Of course, I am worried that people are going to judge me or call me a wuss.

The simple fact is that I have absolutely no idea how to function as myself.  At the age of 37, I am trying to learn how to respond to people, events, words, actions in a healthy way.  I don't want to go back to developing those protective behaviors - but I need to find a way to be less sensitive.  I can't retreat into the person I was before.  But I really don't know what to do with the person I am now.  For so many years, I lived in the corn mazes and solariums I had built.  I don't know how to live in my little house.  I never really had taken stock of it to see just how much damage had been done.  I don't think I really had even dealt with all of it.  I think that I had been so good at deflecting and distracting that I distracted myself.  I don't know if I ever really forgave my dad because I never really knew just how much he hurt me.  And I have been so busy hurting other people for the last couple decades that I never saw how hurt I was.  I've been wrestling with so much guilt about my bad actions and behaviors.  And now that I am reaching the end of that list of wronged souls, the last name on it is mine.

I know that you may not buy into all of this.  You may write it off a psycho babble - something I certainly believed for many years.  For me, though, it is very real.  It is still very new.  The fact is, I never really liked the person I had become.  I didn't like being arrogant and entitled and superior.  I don't much like this person either, though it is for different reasons.  I don't like him because I don't know how to control him.  I don't know how to function and succeed without dipping into my old bag of tricks.  I don't like the pain and turmoil.  But I'm not going back.  I have worked too hard and come too far to not see it through.  I know I have a lot of work to do, but it will be worth it.

In that conversation I mentioned, my friend said something profound.  We were talking about the process of breaking bad habits.  He said, "It certainly isn't easy.  It is extremely hard.  But so is losing 100 pounds.  And you did that. How much worse can this be?"  The essential truth to all of this is that I am not doing it alone.  I didn't lose that weight alone.  God gave me the strength, and He will do it again.  And I have a wife and family that loves me and supports me.  I have friends who genuinely care about me.  These people have seen through the fences and ivy and seen that little house.  And they love IT.  They love who I really am.  And they want to see me figure this out.  They can't wait to come visit the place when I'm done.

So as far as the blog goes, I'm sure I will get back to things eventually.  It won't be too long until I'm back to writing about UCF's ridiculous ability to get to the next level in sports or examining if the failure of green superheroes to capture the public's affection has something to do with the color itself.  And it won't be long until you are sighing and longing for the days when I was forgetting to write.  But for now, I have a little work to do.  Things are under construction.  I hope you'll like the renovations.

Anxious

We've been back in Orlando for less than a month now.  My weight has managed to stay pretty much the same.  Every time I've weighed, the scale has registered 257 and change.  That's actually a little lower than it was my last weigh-in in Tallahassee.  So, I'm pretty happy with that.  I've found decent places to eat that work with my guidelines.  There are several yogurt places available.  And I have discovered the deliciousness that is Greek food.  PLUS, tomorrow I am going to go hit the Food Truck Bazaar at the Oviedo Mall.  Yay!

But, being completely honest, things have not all been rosy.  It has been very strange going from a place where I was largely isolated to a place where I am surrounded by people I know.  That was one of the things that I was most looking forward to about coming back to Orlando.  But, it actually has been a very difficult adjustment.  I spent two years where I didn't have a lot of interaction with other adults.  When I got back, I actually started to feel pressured and stressed about keeping up with everyone.  I knew there were a lot of people who wanted to see us - people to be invited over for dinner, play dates to make, work to do.  The change in status seemed to trigger some kind of latent anxiety.  I found myself frequently overwhelmed by social settings.  It was weird - the very thing I wanted was causing a lot of stress.

How does this fit into my weight loss and food battle blog?

I didn't know either.  Then Heather started her rotation at the family medicine doctor she was assigned to (another new experience that caused new stresses).  Heather and the doctor were talking about patients who had lost a lot of weight through surgery.  The doctor explained that these people frequently would experience intense anxiety in social settings - they would feel judged and insecure.  You would think that someone who had just had such an amazing life change happen would be thrilled to be seen and interact with people.  But, instead, it would be a horribly unpleasant experience.

The doctor went on to explain that what had happened was that food usually was where these people would turn when they were stressed out.  But, now, they didn't have that as an option any more.  Their coping mechanisms for stressful situations before was food.  Now, the stress just would crash down without any relief.  When Heather told me about that in the car this afternoon, it was quite a revelation.  I thought back through and could see where my body just didn't know what to do.  Even today, I was unraveling with the kids and shopping and everything.  We came back home to drop something off and as I walked into the house, my mind said, "Go eat those cupcakes.  It will help."  (I didn't eat them.)  And I have been craving chocolate for the last week like I was pregnant.

It makes sense.  An alcoholic who doesn't have drinking to turn to any more has to find other ways to help himself function.  The same goes for a food addict.  I remember there was an episode of "Friends" where Monica was dating a guy named "Fun Bobby."  The gang noticed how much he was drinking and confronted him about his alcohol problem.  As the episode went on, Bobby stopped drinking.  And he soon became boring, depressing, ridiculous Bobby.  It is a similar kind of situation.  All the insecurity and stress that usually was coursing through my mind was kind of hidden by food.  I would turn to yummy food - especially at parties.  That would give me a steady stream of happiness.  I distinctly remember eating a LOT at parties over the years.  The finger foods and appetizers that usually would be on display at these gatherings were perfect cover.  People rarely could keep track of what you actually were consuming.

The other thing the doctor told Heather is that depression and anxiety play out differently in men and women.  Traditionally, women will get weepy and teary.  Guys will get irritable and short tempered.  I would be a liar or an idiot to not admit that I have been both of those things in the last month.  It really is amazing just how much damage I caused myself with food.  If hadn't used that as a crutch for so long, I would have learned much healthier ways to deal with issues.  But now, at 37 years old, I have to learn all over again how to handle things.

I get so worried that I am going to let someone down or they are going to be upset with me.  I worry that when I reach out to people they don't really want me around - that I'm bothering them.  I remember feeling that way back in high school.  But it hasn't been this bad in a long time.  Even people who are my closest friends, I worry that they get tired of me and wish I would just go away.  It becomes a supreme effort to make a phone call or send a text message or email.  And when those are not responded to, then it just feels like my concerns were validated.  "See?  They don't like you."

I have said several times to people that I am not the same person I was when I left for Tallahassee.  It really is true.  Part of it is that I'm almost 30% smaller than I was and I eat differently.  But I approach life differently.  I handle situations differently.  I have different priorities.  And, as I am realizing, those are not all for the better.  It is a new struggle for me to face.  This time, though, it will have to be without that old cheese stick crutch.

Banana Bread Bomb

Good grief - I haven't posted on here for over a month...

If I was under any delusion that I had overcome my more severe food addictions, the last few weeks - especially Saturday - has proven that wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt.  I have been maintaining my weight loss very well over the last five months.  I still have had my basic "fences" up - no flour, no cheese, no baked goods, no pizza, no pasta, no breakfast meats or sandwiches.  But I have been experimenting on how I can effectively make this into a lifestyle of food management.

• I have taken up drinking coffee.  I have enjoyed the experience of trying different kinds of beans, flavors of syrup and creamer, and hot/cold options.  One surprising side effect was that it drastically cut down on my frozen yogurt consumption.  I read an article the other day saying how having some sort of sweet food after meals really helps to show your body it is "done eating."  Yogurt had always served that purpose for me at the end of the day.  But, with intermittent sweet things like coffee during the day, I have found that I haven't needed that closing dessert.  Plus, the combined caloric intake from my three cups of coffee is less than my one bowl of fro-yo.  That is, until Starbucks brought out the Mocha Coconut Frapaccinos and put them on half price.
• I have almost completely switched to ground turkey at the house.  We never really buy red meat any more.  And, unless it is in something we order out, we don't eat red meat at all.  I never liked ground turkey much.  It was too dry and flavorless.  Then I discovered how to cook it.  And I found out that it was cheaper than ground beef at Costco.  So the switch is on.  Honestly, I don't think we've bought red meat at our house for six weeks now.  And I don't hear anyone complaining.
• Around Easter, Publix ran a BOGO special on Dove chocolate.  I am NOT a chocolate fanatic like my mom or Gabe or my friend, Benji.  I like chocolate fine.  But I am usually good eating one piece of dark chocolate.  I got two bags of the Dove Promises and had one or two a day.  I nursed those bags for over a month.  I felt this wasn't a problem because chocolate has never been a problem for me to leave alone - and it served that same purpose I mentioned the coffee served.
• I have been trying different dips during this whole experience.  I was surprised to discover that I really enjoy guacamole and hummus - especially Sabra's spinach artichoke version.  Plus, I found Riceworks brown rice chips.  In the afternoon, I'll eat a handful of chips dipped in the hummus.  When we go to a Mexican place, I allowed myself some tortilla chips with salsa and guac.  This was something I had stayed away from for months.  But I started to allow it - making the argument with myself that it was corn and not wheat flour.  (Shaky argument, at best, I realize.)  This is where things started to get messy.  

Corn is a weird food.  It is a vegetable, but when a person is trying to reduce their carb intake they are told to avoid corn.  It can be used as a flour so easily that you can replicate most things that have flour in them with corn.  To most people, it is not really a big deal.  But, to a person who has relied on a strict set of rules and guidelines to break an addiction, it is a big problem.  At first, I allowed myself corn as a veggie option. In fact, I ate it frequently.  But I didn't allow myself the corn flour options - corn chips, cornbread, tortillas. They were too close to problem foods for me.  Plus, they were essential ingredients in some of the foods I couldn't have - like tacos, burritos, quesadillas.  As much as I liked those things, I didn't like other corn offerings.  I have never liked cornbread or corn tortillas very much.  So, I kind of had a hard time drawing the line over the last sixteen months or so.  

I allowed myself cornbread with some chili one time.  Then I had it at a BBQ place another time.  Soon, I found that I was ordering it every time it was an option.  I don't know if it was part of my changing taste buds that have allowed me to embrace other foods I used to hate (pickles, sweet potatoes, hummus, avocado, meatloaf).  It also could have been that I was so desperate for anything that looked or tasted like bread that it sucked me in.  Either way, I noticed that I was having a hard time turning it down.  Also, the tortilla chips started to be a problem.  When I went to a Mexican place once a month, it wasn't that big of a deal.  But it started to be that the people we were with wanted to go to those kinds of restaurants more often.  Now I was being confronted with chips and salsa and guac weekly (or more).

Those things combined with a trip to Orlando, lots of hours in the car, and eating out more while away from home.  Next thing I knew, I had gained five pounds.  260.  Not necessarily a big deal.  But, to me, it was a big problem.  I couldn't allowed for that slow degeneration.  I had to be more careful.  When I got back home, I was much more careful.  Corn bread went into the "bread" category and was banned.  The chips had to go back to a "once in a rare while" category.  I went back to my normal routine of yogurt, meat/beans/rice mix for lunch, and dinner.  The coffee remained, but the Fraps went out the window.  I was able to drop three pounds last week - which made me feel better.  But I knew I needed to be more careful.

Which is why Saturday was so shocking to me.  I had bought stuff to make a nice breakfast for Heather and the kids.  I scrambled up eggs, made some bacon, toasted up some, uh, toast.  I know all of these are no-nos for me.  I am allergic to eggs.  Bacon and toast are on my banned list.  But I had a half piece of bacon when I was getting the kids their food.  I had eaten bacon a couple times, and each time I realized I need to leave it be.  This time was no different.  I started to feel like I needed to have more.  It didn't help that there was a lot left over.  I managed to fight off that draw, but as a reminder of the slip up I had indigestion for hours from the piece I had.

We had a bunch of old bananas on the counter.  I usually toss them.  I am not wasteful when it comes to food.  But I intentionally got rid of the old yellow fruit because the only good things I knew to make with them was banana bread (or some variation).  Baked goods are one of my major problem foods.  And banana bread has always been one of my absolute favorites.  So, I got rid of the bananas on purpose.  This time, though, I decided to make the bread and send it in to Heather's classmates or the kids' teachers or something.  I found a great recipe and made the bread.  I had no clue if the kids would like it or not.  So I had them try it.  I cut off the end piece - knowing they wouldn't want that.  The big kids loved it.  But that end was sitting there, getting wasted.  And I wanted to know if it was a good recipe.

It was.

This was the first wheat flour I had eaten since January 2010.  It was the first sweet baked good I had in that time too.  Good grief, it was incredible.  I don't know if it was distance making the heart grow fonder or what.  But it was amazing.  The kids wanted a second piece, which I gave them.  Then I wanted Gabe to try it.  He didn't like it.  (He's weird.)  So, I went ahead and ate the rest of his piece.  When Heather got home, she tried it and agreed it was great.  But I knew I was in trouble.  Every time I walked past the kitchen, I wanted some.  When I cut some for the rest of the family later, I had to fight off the urge to have another piece.  Finally, I put it away and said, "This is precisely why I never have made this."  

The whole experience showed me that I am NOT over the addictions - they just are dormant.  But they will flare up the second I have a chance to feed them.  I have many times wondered what would happen if I was to eat one of the slices of pizza when I am serving the kids on pizza and movie night.  What about if I had one of these cupcakes or a donut?  Couldn't I handle having Cheerwine on tap just once at 4Rivers Smokehouse?  Well, Saturday (and the last few weeks) showed me.  I would be back hooked on those foods faster than you could believe.  I remember years ago I tried to give up soda.  I didn't have it for six weeks.  Then I went to a Tampa sub shop that had specialty sodas and had a root beer.  I was back on a full time soda habit within two weeks.  That is what happens with an addiction.

The encouraging thing to see was how quickly I recognized what was happening and was able to compensate.  I adjusted my actions and kept moving.  I didn't beat myself up.  I didn't go on a banana bread bender.  I realized the danger and changed my behavior.  I know I have to be more careful.  I can't take my success for granted.  There needs to be constant diligence.  As good as those foods are, they are not worth feeling like I used to and gaining weight.  So the bananas either need to go away - or the bread needs to be baked and removed as quickly as possible.  And the corn products need to be better regulated.  And I need to stick to coffee drinks without the word FRAP in them.  

No Go Fro Yo

Well, things are still just rolling along.  I haven't lost any more weight.  I haven't gained any more weight.  And, since I haven't had much success exercising yet, that is exactly where I will stay for a while.  I have continually tweaked things and tested what would happen if I added foods - lightened up the strictness.  On Thursdays, I have been having lunch with a friend of mine at Buffalo Wild Wings.  The special that day is boneless wings for 60 cents each.  I can get ten of those for six bucks, but for me to get their naked unbreaded tenders it is ten dollars.  I have a hard time paying that, so I have been experimenting with getting the pseudo wings, even though they are breaded.  I'm not very happy doing that, so I will not keep it up - I'm afraid it sets a dangerous precedent.  Once I allow breaded chicken back in, where is the line?  I need a line.

One thing that I allowed in months ago was frozen yogurt.  I was eating yogurt mixed with peanut butter at first.  Then I realized that I could eat frozen yogurt for the same calorie hit.  So it has been a big part of my diet.  It has worked well for me.  I don't feel deprived of all "bad for you" foods.  It also has been a good ending for my day.  I find I don't wander and snack at night if I have frozen yogurt.  Also, it seems to help my stomach.  That was one reason I started eating ice cream at night years ago was that it helped minimize acid reflux.  The frozen yogurt has had the same result.

The problem comes from that I have noticed my helpings of frozen yogurt had grown over the past few months.  At first, I had a small dessert bowl of fro yo.  Then it moved up to half a cereal bowl.  Now it is more than that.  I usually can go through a half gallon in three or four days - depending on the flavor.  (Edy's cappuccino goes faster.)  I had been pretty restrained for a while.  But then there were some days when I had a smaller dinner and justified the larger dessert.  That soon became the norm.

What really bothered me was that the other day I thought about not eating it and started to feel those old feelings of anger at the thought of being deprived of something I liked.  That was when I knew I was in trouble.  It was like when I had been doing so well with keeping my movie obsession under control under The Dark Knight came out.  To fix that, I intentionally didn't see the movie in the theater and didn't watch the DVD until about six months after the movie came out.  It was a way to self-correct the problem.  I realized then and there that I had to do something or the frozen yogurt was going to morph into a new area where I lacked control.  I am NOT going to let any food get the best of me again.  I've had to do this before when I felt certain foods were becoming too important.  I went about a month without BBQ at the first of the year, largely reducing my lunches and dinners to variations of chili and beans/rice.

So I stopped having frozen yogurt on Monday.  The first night, I wanted to go back on the decision.  My only real reason was that I didn't like giving it up - which really showed me I was on the right track.  It was hard that first night.  I ended up making my lemon/blueberry yogurt and added some dried blueberries and crushed up blueberry rice cakes.  It was very good.  Sure, it ended up being about the same calories as the frozen yogurt.  But it did the trick.  Call it hair splitting, but there is a clear difference between regular yogurt and frozen yogurt.  Just go try them both and you'll see.  Last night was a lot easier.  I don't have any fro yo in the house, so there hasn't been temptation to eat it.  I snacked on nuts and dried fruit.  I still need to find a good alternative, but for the interim I can handle it.

I'm not going to ban frozen yogurt forever.  It is a temporary restriction - like my Dark Knight approach. I saw that movie and have watched it several times since then.  But it helped me to get things under control.  I am back to the place where I can miss a movie I really want to see in the theater  and not get upset.  (Netflix helps.  Take Unstoppable.  I really wanted to see it when it was out, but never made it.  So I got it on Netflix the other day.  I wish I had seen it in the theater because it is a BIG movie.  But I saw it eventually - without paying crazy ticket prices.)  After this week, I'll see how I'm doing.  If I feel I have gotten things under control I will probably get some frozen yogurt.  But I am limiting myself to the small dessert bowls again.  If I still feel week, it will go back on the no-no list until I get things straight.

I'll see how all of this goes.  I wouldn't be surprised if I actually lose a few pounds.  Dropping those extra 400 calories a day will probably help me get down to 250 (or below).  This is definitely NOT a weight loss move.  It is to re-establish control for myself.  It really is a neverending battle.

Routine Maintenance

Well, it's been over a month since I have posted anything on this site.  To those of you who have been following this journey, that may have been worrisome for you - thinking that I had derailed and one day would be found passed out in a gutter covered with cheeseburger wrappers.  The good news is that everything is fine.  I have been plugging right along.  Today I got on the scale for the first time in three weeks and I weighed 253.8 - a pound more than the lowest I've been through all of this.  So, things are fine.

The truth is, I've kind of been experimenting with what would happen if I just went about living my life without thinking about this whole thing all the time.  For the past year, the thought of losing weight and controlling food has been near the front of my mind just about every day.  After losing the 100 pounds, my body plateaued.  It is obvious that I won't lose any more weight without either A) cutting my already restrictive diet even more or B) exercising.  I refuse to do the first choice.  The point of all of this was not to create a torturous and unpleasant set of rules to live by.  I was trying to free myself.  So, I am going to have to resort to exercise - something I loathe and still haven't gotten the drive to do yet.  Now that we are emerging from the frigid winter (for Florida), I will probably start.

But, it has been interesting these past two months to see what happens if I try to just live my life with this new set of guidelines.  The truth is, it has been very pleasant.  Sure, there are times where the pinch of my "outlawed foods" makes me miss something.  I still hate having to have cook and serve pizza for the kids.  It is just too tempting.  And I have been craving a burger for about two weeks now.  But, overall, what I have constructed is a very workable way of life for me.  And it is apparently working for my body.  For two months now I have weighed exactly the same.  So, I guess I have found that balance between calories taken and burned.

In doing this, I have loosened some of the restraints to see what happens.  So far, nothing bad has come of it.  Here are some examples of that.

• I have never liked Chinese food.  It is just one of those things that never clicked with me - probably because it didn't have cheese or bread.  Now, though, I have found myself utilizing it in its different forms - Chinese take out, Sarku at the Mall, Cajun Cafe (which is just glorified Chinese food).  And, when I get Chinese food, I usually will get an egg roll.  Yes, it is fried.  But as I looked at it, I realized I never was "addicted" to egg rolls.  So one those rare instances when I get Chinese food, I'll get an egg roll.
• The fried food embargo has not been completely lifted.  Things like chicken tenders, fish sticks, french fries, cheese sticks are still banned.  But I do get non-breaded wings sometimes - mostly at places where that is the only option for me.  And, if we are at a place where fried pickles or onion rings are sold, I usually will get those.  My logic on that is that those experiences are maybe once a month, they have some sort of veggie associated with them, and that it will be hard to start an addiction with something that hard to find.  (The only have fried pickles at two restaurants in Tallahassee, that I know of - Zaxby's and Buffalo Wild Wings.  So I'm pretty safe.)
• We got a free box of truffles at Earth Fare last month.  There were about thirty small truffles in the box.  I never have been a chocolate fanatic like my mom or youngest son.  I like it, but it is far from an uncontrollable food for me.  But I do like truffles.  I have allowed myself to have one truffle a day.  This has worked, since there still are some in the box and it's been three weeks now.  Restraint is the key - something that I have finally learned to some extent.  Chocolate is still on the watch list, but it is not forbidden.  Sometimes there are chocolate chunks in my frozen yogurt.  At the movies (which are very rare), I may get chocolate raisins.  So, it is a controlled relationship.
• Another food I always hated and now love is guacamole.  I actually have found lots of dips that are great for me - salsa, black bean dip, greek yogurt veggie dip.  The problem is finding something to dip into those things.  I have wrestled with this for a while.  I liked chips.  But it was not normal for me to annihilate a whole bag at a sitting.  I remember growing up, my brother would open a bag of Doritos and just inhale the whole thing watching a game.  My Munchos would sit in the cupboard, slowly decreasing for weeks.  But chips are dangerous.  I finally loosened up a little with some restrictions.  At Mexican places, I will allow myself some tortilla chips with the salsa or guac.  At home, I have found Rice Works chips - made from brown rice.  They are awesome and go great with guacamole.  For the Super Bowl party, I had those with Heather's homemade guac.  Yum.

I still only drink water.  During the day, I snack on fruit (bananas and apples, mostly) and nuts.  Sometimes I'll have dried fruit or yogurt covered dried fruit.  For lunch, I usually have leftovers or some kind of meat, bean, rice mixture I have in the fridge.  Breakfast is still just yogurt - although once a week or so I'll toss in some granola for fun.  And I end my day with frozen yogurt.  The structure and routine is important.  And if I don't have an option, I still will decide to eat nothing over cheating.  This happened the other day when we went to Subway for lunch.  Natalie and Heather like Subway and had been missing it.  So we went and I ate later.  At home, if I don't have any meal options, I'll eat another yogurt.  Those are my emergency options.  

[Side Note - if you want to make a really good yogurt dish, get a Chobani lemon yogurt, a Fage Blueberry yogurt, and a handful of granola.  Mix it all together.  It has like 23 grams of protein and around 300 calories.  Really carries you over for even dinner.]

So, all told, I am maintaining and living.  I will never say the food issues are conquered.  If I was to go eat a donut right now, I have no clue if I could stop.  So, those things are going to be off limits for a long time.  I just can't risk it.  But I feel confident that I can keep this approach to food going.  I am happy and enjoying it.  I feel good about how I look.  I regularly wear XLT shirts now - and some of those are big. I even was able to button some LT shirts, but they would spread open too much if I tried to sit down.  So, if I don't post often, it isn't because I failed or am ashamed.  There just isn't a lot to say right now.  But, once the exercising starts, I'll be back on here again to document that struggle.