ReBoot

If my weigh loss journey was a movie franchise, it would be The Matrix.  The first year equals the first movie.  It was endlessly fascinating and amazing to watch.  Losing one hundred pounds in twelve months is a great accomplishment, just like the first Matrix was a great accomplishment of cinema.  People left the experience happy and talking about what they just were witness to.  The second year equals the second movie.  There was a lot of hype and it was pretty passable.  There were some awesome moments.  (Like the interstate chase sequence - in the movie, not the weight loss.)  But it was disappointing.  The third year is the third movie.  The wheels completely came off.  It is hard to believe that this is the same franchise/journey.  It is a disaster.

To recap my personal journey, in the first year, I lost one hundred pounds.  I didn't exercise to speak of.  I merely cut out foods that I could not control - burgers, subs, pizza, pasta, breakfast sandwiches, bread, cheese, ice cream, baked goods, soda.  I was very strict with myself and establish a tight perimeter of food allowances.  The weight came off quickly and consistently.

In the second year, I maintained that loss for most of the time.  I would fluctuate between 255 and 265 most of the time, depending on a variety of factors.  I also started to loosen the restrictions a bit.  It didn't seem realistic to have such an unyielding set of guidelines forever.  I still kept the troubling foods away.  But I wasn't hyper-paranoid all the time.  Things seemed to go pretty well until November - 22 months into the process.

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It is something I have dealt with for years.  A while back I had a bad go of it and had to start some treatments for it.  But it went into a kind of remission for several years.  During this weight loss process, the RA came roaring back.  It really made no sense.  Every time I saw a doctor about the RA, they would suggest I lose weight.  They thought the less stress on my joints, the better they would be.  Instead, the opposite happened.  I'm not going to lie about it - that was frustrating.  I thought that I would be hurting less, not more.  It finally got so bad that I had to start seeing a doctor to begin treatments.  After a year of that course of medication, things were not improving.  So I found a rheumatologist in Orlando and began aggressively dealing with the RA.  I went onto methotrexate and folic acid.  A side effect of that medication was a return of my acid reflux - which had gone away after I lost weight.  I also, for some bizarre reason, had to begin taking allergy medicine for the first time in my life.

I don't know if the cocktail of medicines caused it or not.  But instead of floating within that ten pound window like I had for almost a year, I rapidly gained another fifteen pounds.  By March of this year - 27 months into the process - I was consistently at 280.  Again, this caused massive frustration to me.  I hadn't changed my eating habits that drastically from the second year.  So why did I pack on the extra fifteen pounds so rapidly?  After a few months of that, I got quite irritated.

If you have never battled weight issues, let me tell you the most disheartening thing you can face.  It is when you are working hard, depriving yourself of foods, watching everyone else have fun, and things are not progressing.  Actually, that is the second most disheartening thing.  The WORST thing is when you are doing all of that and you GAIN weight.  At a certain point, it feels pointless to keep up the effort.  If you are going to gain weight doing things right, might as well do things wrong.  Right?

The summer rolled around and the kids were out of school.  This combined with a tough financial stretch for us.  It has always been tough financially with Heather in medical school.  But this summer felt tighter than ever before.  This is an undeniable truth: it costs a lot to eat healthy.  Vegetables, meat, fruit - those things are expensive.  It is much easier and cheaper to rely on less healthy foods.  It just became too difficult to make sure I always had lunches and leftovers that fit into my food plan.  So I kept backpedalling. I started eating sandwiches for lunch with the kids.  I still restricted myself to wheat bread, no cheese, and would add mustard and pickles to add flavor with few calories.

The monetary issues combined with my eroding willpower made for a disastrous situation.  Before I knew it, I was having a lot of the foods I had banned before.  In fact, there are very few things that I have not allowed myself to have - justifying it the whole way.  The fact of the matter, though, was that I just stopped caring.  The last time I weighed a little over a week ago, I was up to 292.  I have gained back 37 pounds.  Actually, it may be more - I don't know.  I am afraid I can't stop this train.  Even though I know I will absolutely hate myself if I can't control this, I still haven't gotten things under control.  The really sad thing is that I have watched two of my friends who weighed much more than me successfully drop a lot of weight.  One has lost 187 pounds in under a year.  The other is up near 100 pounds.  I know it is possible.  I've experienced it and watched it.  But I still have trouble believing that I can do it again.

The reason I made the link to a movie franchise is because there is a new practice in Hollywood that I think can apply to my efforts.  It is the reboot.  When a movie franchise has run its course, or horribly derailed, it gets a reboot.  We have seen this with Spider-Man, X-Men, Batman, The Hulk, Star Trek.  It is a successful business model.  You still are able to utilize the popular franchise but can just ignore the disaster that came out a few years earlier.  This is what I need to do.  I need to reboot my weight loss efforts.

As successful as my process was the first time, there were some major flaws.  First of all, I never really learned to not treat food as a coping mechanism.  As I have documented on this blog, food makes me happy.  When I am sad, I eat.  When I am stressed, I eat.  When I am celebrating, I eat.  For a plethora of reasons, food fills that role in my life.  I never learned to change that; I just changed WHAT foods I used for that.  Instead of pies and donuts, I would have frozen yogurt.  Instead of pizza, I would have 4Rivers BBQ.  I found "acceptable" foods within my parameters to use.  But I needed to stop that reliance on food for happiness.  That needs to change.  Second, I never learned to control portion sizes. If anything, I ate more than I used to.  Since I wasn't eating pasta, I would have extra meat.  If I couldn't have what everyone else was having, I would have a big pile of meat.  Again, I may not be having five slices of pizza.  But my portion sizes were still out of control.  My bowl of frozen yogurt was the same size as the bowl of ice cream I used to have.

Third, I never exercised.  People told me to do it.  I told them to shut it.  I hate exercise.  I hate sweating.  I hate manual labor or physical exertion.  But the weight loss cannot be maintained without some physical activity.  What I found is that I hit an equilibrium point where my stagnant lifestyle and my reduced caloric intake meet.  So, when I relaxed my restraints even a small amount, that added influx of calories was over what I burned sitting and using the remote.  As much as I detest the thought of it, I HAVE to add some kind of exercise.  Fourth, I danced too close to the flame, if you will.

When you combine all of that, it is time for a reboot.  I know it won't be easy.  I have gotten back into the habit of eating some stuff I shouldn't have.  And it still tastes good.  It is going to be a hard journey to break the habits a second time.  I know it can be done.  But there are a lot of doubts in my mind.  I just can't stand the thought that I will be back where I was.  Time to reboot.

Two Years: The Rise of Darth Fatso

It kind of snuck up on me, but today is two years since I started a process to change my life.  When I began, I weighed 355 pounds and had absolutely no self-control when it came to me approach to food.  I have tried to document my process on this blog.  For the first year, I was pretty faithful.  The second year, things became more spotty.  Part of the reason was that it was maintenance.  When I started, my goal was to lose 100 pounds in the first year - strictly by changing my food habits.  I accomplished that.  For my second year, I wanted to maintain that loss.  I wanted to learn how to live this new way.  I needed to explore what exactly I could and couldn't do.  I really just wanted to maintain my weight and resolve.  Year three I would move on to exercise.  In year two, while I was largely successful, to say that I accomplished my goal would be stretching it.

First of all, the cold hard facts.  I currently am 270.  That is down a net of 85 pounds from this weekend in 2010.  But, it is up 15 pounds from last year.  For much of this year, I was able to stay in the 260-265 range.  But the last few weeks, I found myself creeping up higher.  My clothes have started to feel a little tighter, although hard for others to really notice.  I have some shirts I don't like wearing.  The belt has gone back one hole.  I was hoping to rally right before I hit the second anniversary.  But my efforts fell short.  I know that lots of people would say encouraging things.  "Look how far you've come."  "You've still done a great job."  "That isn't so bad."  Those people mean well, but that is honestly what got me into trouble in the first place.  We can always find people who will tell us we aren't so bad.  And we can always compare ourselves to someone else and feel okay.  For me, I can compare myself to that fat load of goo from 2010.  Compared to HIM, I am fine.  But if I compare myself to 2011 David, I am not fine.

What happened?  I wouldn't go so far as to say I've relapsed.  I can point to countless examples of where I  am not even the same person I was then.  But I can definitely say that I am not as disciplined, diligent, careful as I was.  In some areas, I have gotten lazy.  The image that comes to mind is that of an ancient walled city.  There would be these walls all around their property.  The purpose was to keep OUT invaders.  There was a big deterrent there.  Massive energy had to be exerted to breach those walls.  You had to have equipment strong enough to take them down or enough manpower and resources to lay siege to the city.  It largely was a pointless endeavor.  Why would you go and attack some walled up, heavily defended city when there was some weak tailed undefended township up the road?  Those walled cities did have vulnerabilities, though.  If you eliminate the involvement of God and throngs of horn playing Israelites (Jericho), I would wager that the biggest threats to those cities came from within.  You could have someone betray the city and allow invaders in, someone incompetent who forgot to lock the doors, or people who failed to keep the walls strong.

The problem with walls is that they don't only keep people out.  They also trap their citizens IN.  There were many times during this process where I felt like a prisoner.  I felt trapped in my restrictions.  And I hated it.  I could understand that feeling being necessary for the first stretch.  But twenty months in?  It gets old, quite frankly.  It sucks.  I hated being the only one not eating pizza.  It is a lousy feeling at a wedding watching everyone chug my favorite micro-brewed root beer while I have to be satisfied with water.  I don't like it.  I can see where a person in a walled city could be convinced their security isn't worth the trapped feeling.  I also don't like the constant vigilance.  It wears me out and it gets frustrating.  That is the maintenance end.  People in those cities had to constantly check the status of the walls.  Time and weather and wind and animals and moss and grass all work together to slowly compromise those stone security options.  If you don't keep a wary eye peeled, those walls can become useless as cracks and holes appear.  This was where I really started to fail.  Little decisions would lead to bigger issues.  I didn't stop a bad choice, and it led to something worse.

Let me explain with a food example.  One of the biggest food items I had to banish was bread.  Bread was something that I just couldn't control at all.  It was a part of some of my biggest problem foods.  By getting rid of bread, I also eliminated subs, burgers, melts, pizza, calzone.  It was an important and vital decision.  No bread.  For the most part, I have really stuck to that.  But, here is how an erosion  happens.

• NO BREAD!
• A friend asks, "What constitutes 'bread'?"  A fair question.  At first, the answer is everything that uses flour to make it.  For the first stretch, I was draconian in my application of this rule.
• What about cornbread?  Well, it is more corn based.  I never have liked cornbread very much.  So maybe that will work.  I found myself eating it too often, so I kicked it back out.  But then I allowed it again.  
• Cornbread is okay.  That means that whenever I go to 4 Rivers, I can get cornbread instead of their biscuits.  At Jason's Deli, I can use their corn muffins on the chili.  At Cracker Barrel, I can have the corn muffins.  At Boston Market, I can have the cornbread.  When I make chili for everyone and buy cornbread, I can have that too.  It is amazing how often cornbread presents itself once you decide you can eat it.
• What about battered objects?  NO!  They violate two major banned foods - bread and fried foods.
• What about battered veggies?  Like pickles or onions or zucchini?  Would those be okay?  Hmmmm.  Okay, as a cheat fried pickles will be fine.  Plus they are really hard to find.  (Not really.  I find them all over the place.)  And onion rings will be okay, but not all the time.  (Yes, all the time.)  But no french fries.  That is the line.  Unless they are sweet potato fries.  No white potato fries.  That is the real line.
• How about egg rolls?  They are friend, but they are stuffed with cabbage and stuff.  Plus they go great with your chicken and rice.  No.  Are you sure?  Okay, fine.  Especially when they are avocado egg rolls.  
• How about hush puppies?  We already established that corn bread is okay.  And fried stuff is sometimes okay.  What about hush puppies?  Are those okay?  We'll allow them.  No reason to be too legalistic, right?  
• Corn based products seem to have some more validity.  As a correlation to this rule, it begin to affect my approach to chips.  Whereas I had restricted myself to rice based chips, now I wonder if I can have corn chips.  This especially applies to chips at Mexican restaurants.  See, salsa and guacamole are great and things I can eat.  But I need a delivery system.  So I begin to allow myself to have those chips at Mexican places.  
• Have you ever been able to control yourself eating chips and salsa at a restaurant?  Yeah, me neither.  This now allows me to get chips, salsa, guac at any Mexican place.  I still will almost always pick rice chips when they are available.  But they are never around at a restaurant.  
• Since we are on the topic of chips, what about pita chips?  That is the option when hummus is involved - another great allowable dip without a good delivery system.  Well, how often are you really going to find pita chips?  So those are okay.
• Of course, some places give you just plain pitas with your hummus.  Or flatbread.  Those are okay too, since they are in the delivery of hummus.  Which is healthy.
• Since flatbread is okay, and gyro meat is also allowable.  (I discovered how awesome Greek food is.  It fit my diet perfectly until this bullet point.)  So is hummus and tzatziki sauce (yogurt based).  So, then are gyros okay when there aren't that many other great options?  Sure.  Why not.  
• So, let's take stock here.  No bread, no chips.  Except for cornbread, fried veggie products (except fries), egg rolls, hush puppies, corn chips, pita bread, pita chips, flatbread.  (ummmmm)  
• So what about hard shell tacos?  I mean, isn't it kind of ridiculous and hypocritical to allow chips with salsa and guac, but not the corn taco shells for tacos?  It would make things so much easier to be able to order tacos than always to have to get fajitas and mix it all up on the plate.  Okay, fine.  Tacos are okay.  But only hard shell!
• What about pumpkin bread?  That is not really around much of the year.  Maybe this could be a cheat item?  I'll allow it.  But very warily so.  [Note: this particular though process came up three times and all three times ended up with me with the equivalent of waking up in a storm grate with a pumpkin bread hangover.  NOT smart.]  Okay, so maybe not pumpkin bread.  
• Banana bread?  See the above point.
• What about crackers?  I mean, crackers are so innocent.  People recovering from vomit fits have crackers.  Plus, they are a part of communion at church.  How bad can they be?  Hmmmm.  Good point.  We'll allow them for communion.  (Yes, I actually had a conflict about taking the cracker at communion in that first year.  I was hardcore.)  And I guess they can be used once in a while.  
• Breaded and fried veggies are okay.  What about fried and breaded chicken?  Awww, heck no.  That is a big no no in these parts.  But it is so freaking annoying to only eat grilled chicken.  And it is so hard to get that everywhere.  Plus, it costs more.  And it has smaller portion sizes.  It would make things so much easier to allow it.  Slowly, I allowed it.  But I tried to limit it to only when there was not a legitimate other option.  (Funny how loose that standard becomes.)
• Keep in mind, that through all of this process, my weight has stayed around 260.  So, since the weight hasn't gone up, I felt that my choices may have been okay.  
• Does that cracker clearance include Ritz Chips?  They are just like Ritz crackers, but crispier.  Plus they go great with that peanut butter yogurt dip.  The judge will allow it.  Now, go scarf a whole bag down on New Year's Eve.
• How about tortillas?  Absolutely not.  Under no circumstance will tortillas be allowed.  Whole wheat?  Nope.  Spinach?  Nope.  Ezekiel 23 mulit-grain high protein?  Nope.  No tortillas.  Please? NO!  
• Okay, let's say all of you are at a burger place and they have a very limited menu and one thing you can have is a grillen chicken wrap.  And they have loads of topping you can have (salsa, guac, roasted peppers), but they need to wrap it up.  And they have a whole wheat option?  How about then.  We'll allow it . . . once.  
• Next day - What about burritos at Moe's?  You can have everything inside of it.  And they have whole wheat ones.
• SCREEEEECH!!!  

The car came to a major halt.  Here was a major problem and I knew it.  See where that process went?  See where it ended up?  I had allowed so much stuff that it was hard to keep any standards.  And if I couldn't keep up with my rules by myself, how could I expect anyone else to?  People already had a hard time following my logic from the outset.  ("Wait, hot dogs are okay but not burgers?  You can have BBQ but not whole wheat pasta?")  Now when I was scrambling my own standards, when I would ask someone else what they thought, they had no idea what to say.

I ended up allowing myself cheats here and there.  But no cheat ever stays a cheat.  I know this.  I can look at that list now and realize how insane the process was.  But I never really examined it like that before.  It was a gradual erosion.  It took two years.  But there I was, yesterday, trying to convince myself not to get a burrito - one of my clearly banned foods.  (I didn't get it, if you were worried.)  Once a cheat is allowed, my mind would revisit that to see if it really was a "one time deal" or if it could be incorporated again.  My largest determining factor was the scale.  As long as I kept things around 260, I was okay.  I would have stayed at a net loss of 95 pounds.  Who wouldn't be happy with that?

But then I started to question this logic.  Was this really just a five pound fluctuation?  Or was it the first year of a process of gaining five pounds every year?  Would I sit there at the end of year three at 265?  Then 270?  Was I going to gain five pounds each year until I was back where I was?  Isn't that how I got to 355 in the first place?  It's the same thing that happened with my credit cards in the past.  I had a student card I got my first week in college.  It was one of those $500 limit cards.  By the time I hit the wall with it years later - after virtually living off it for years - it was, let's say, NOT a $500 limit.  I paid it off at one point.  But a few years later, it was back up to the former limit again.  I started to worry that I all I had done was reboot my weight so I could go back up.  Of course, I punched myself in the brain and said shut up.  I didn't want to have to get really strict again with myself.  I had already done that.  And I could look at all the victories and still believe I was fine.

There are many victories.  I still have not had any pizza, pasta, lasagna, pie, subs, sandwiches, burgers.  I can mostly say I haven't had any soda, ice cream, or cheese - although cheese has snuck into a very small number of items, I had one small cup of sugar free ice cream in December, and I have had a total of five sips of soda.  I can honestly say I have held those two food at bay and kept them on the banned list.  But I had cookies this Christmas.  I had some cupcakes.  You have seen my bread experience.  I have chocolate and frozen yogurt all the time.  So, while I have kept the spirit of my restrictions list alive, I have definitely had a field day violating the spirit of it.  Honestly, if I evaluated myself today, I would have to say that my struggle is not a raging victory.  Instead, I kind of feel like I'm playing Risk.  And even though I still have small armies all over the place, I don't have strong reinforcements anywhere.  I don't really control any complete continents.  And a strong attack may just completely collapse my army.

Two major things brought me to that conclusion.  The first was the fact that I was back up to 270 and it wasn't just a blip after a trip.  It was there for a few days.  That showed me there was trouble.  The second thing was that I saw a good number of my friends doing something called a Daniel Fast on Facebook.  From what I can gather, it is a thirty day fast where people try to follow Daniel's example with food.  They aren't eating any processed food.  They pretty much are banishing meats and rich foods.  The goal is to teach self control and to focus on living a pure lifestyle.  It is a noble thing to do.  In the past two years, I have seen numerous friends go through efforts to lose weight and/or change their eating.  I always  have been very supportive, as the friend on the other side.  Lately, though, I have felt some jealousy for them.  I started to go with the whole "well they had more to lose" defense.  And when I saw all these people doing the Daniel Fast, I started to hear that same mocking voice that used to reside in my head.  I had largely banished that voice.  But there it was, ridiculing what they were doing - trying to make me feel better about where I was.  I found reasons to diminish their efforts.  A lot of these people are at a church in Arkansas where a friend of mine is the Pastor.  The church is going through this process as a whole.  The thing is, we are doing a conference at that church in February.  Instead of thinking of how to join with them in their work, I began to count on the calendar to make sure they were "over their stupid little food thing" by the time I got there.

What the heck is wrong with me?  It hit me this morning full blast that I am in trouble.  Sure, I can keep up the half-hearted efforts I am making.  I could go through a little intense phase of a week or two to get myself back down to 260.  Then I would feel better about myself and go back to what I was doing.  I could just be more careful with the allowances.  The thing I realized two years ago was that this wasn't about food.  It was about my heart and my mind.  I needed to change my life.  Honestly, I don't want to do this again.  I don't want to go back through this garbage.  It sucks.  It is a lousy situation.  It is restricting and painful and uncomfortable.  But, if I am really being honest, I am not happy where I am.  I posted last week about how I felt that God was telling me that this year was the year for me to wake up.  I think that applies to this effort.  I've been sleepwalking through this.  There is very little thought involved. When it comes to a questionable food choice, I used to err on the side of strictness.  Now I err on the side of ease.  How else can I explain eating a cupcake - let alone three cupcakes - at a Christmas party?  How can I explain even considering ordering a burrito?

So, I guess that means that I need to go to Publix and get the things necessary for me to actually accomplish this.  I need to fix the walls and pull the guides back in.  There needs to be a strictness applied again.  Some of those questionable food choices need to be revoked.  Maybe some of those foods that got allowed in because they weren't seen as problems actually are.  Maybe corn products are more of problem than I thought.  I also do still want to add in exercise this year.  I think it is time, as much as it terrifies me. In short, I need to realize that Darth Fatso is not dead.  Just like George Lucas is going to resurrect Darth Maul this Spring in The Clone Wars show, I need to realize Darth Fatso was merely biding his time.  And I must fight again.  I've seen enough movies.  I should have realized that villains never disappear after the first loss.  That why sequels exist.

Anxious

We've been back in Orlando for less than a month now.  My weight has managed to stay pretty much the same.  Every time I've weighed, the scale has registered 257 and change.  That's actually a little lower than it was my last weigh-in in Tallahassee.  So, I'm pretty happy with that.  I've found decent places to eat that work with my guidelines.  There are several yogurt places available.  And I have discovered the deliciousness that is Greek food.  PLUS, tomorrow I am going to go hit the Food Truck Bazaar at the Oviedo Mall.  Yay!

But, being completely honest, things have not all been rosy.  It has been very strange going from a place where I was largely isolated to a place where I am surrounded by people I know.  That was one of the things that I was most looking forward to about coming back to Orlando.  But, it actually has been a very difficult adjustment.  I spent two years where I didn't have a lot of interaction with other adults.  When I got back, I actually started to feel pressured and stressed about keeping up with everyone.  I knew there were a lot of people who wanted to see us - people to be invited over for dinner, play dates to make, work to do.  The change in status seemed to trigger some kind of latent anxiety.  I found myself frequently overwhelmed by social settings.  It was weird - the very thing I wanted was causing a lot of stress.

How does this fit into my weight loss and food battle blog?

I didn't know either.  Then Heather started her rotation at the family medicine doctor she was assigned to (another new experience that caused new stresses).  Heather and the doctor were talking about patients who had lost a lot of weight through surgery.  The doctor explained that these people frequently would experience intense anxiety in social settings - they would feel judged and insecure.  You would think that someone who had just had such an amazing life change happen would be thrilled to be seen and interact with people.  But, instead, it would be a horribly unpleasant experience.

The doctor went on to explain that what had happened was that food usually was where these people would turn when they were stressed out.  But, now, they didn't have that as an option any more.  Their coping mechanisms for stressful situations before was food.  Now, the stress just would crash down without any relief.  When Heather told me about that in the car this afternoon, it was quite a revelation.  I thought back through and could see where my body just didn't know what to do.  Even today, I was unraveling with the kids and shopping and everything.  We came back home to drop something off and as I walked into the house, my mind said, "Go eat those cupcakes.  It will help."  (I didn't eat them.)  And I have been craving chocolate for the last week like I was pregnant.

It makes sense.  An alcoholic who doesn't have drinking to turn to any more has to find other ways to help himself function.  The same goes for a food addict.  I remember there was an episode of "Friends" where Monica was dating a guy named "Fun Bobby."  The gang noticed how much he was drinking and confronted him about his alcohol problem.  As the episode went on, Bobby stopped drinking.  And he soon became boring, depressing, ridiculous Bobby.  It is a similar kind of situation.  All the insecurity and stress that usually was coursing through my mind was kind of hidden by food.  I would turn to yummy food - especially at parties.  That would give me a steady stream of happiness.  I distinctly remember eating a LOT at parties over the years.  The finger foods and appetizers that usually would be on display at these gatherings were perfect cover.  People rarely could keep track of what you actually were consuming.

The other thing the doctor told Heather is that depression and anxiety play out differently in men and women.  Traditionally, women will get weepy and teary.  Guys will get irritable and short tempered.  I would be a liar or an idiot to not admit that I have been both of those things in the last month.  It really is amazing just how much damage I caused myself with food.  If hadn't used that as a crutch for so long, I would have learned much healthier ways to deal with issues.  But now, at 37 years old, I have to learn all over again how to handle things.

I get so worried that I am going to let someone down or they are going to be upset with me.  I worry that when I reach out to people they don't really want me around - that I'm bothering them.  I remember feeling that way back in high school.  But it hasn't been this bad in a long time.  Even people who are my closest friends, I worry that they get tired of me and wish I would just go away.  It becomes a supreme effort to make a phone call or send a text message or email.  And when those are not responded to, then it just feels like my concerns were validated.  "See?  They don't like you."

I have said several times to people that I am not the same person I was when I left for Tallahassee.  It really is true.  Part of it is that I'm almost 30% smaller than I was and I eat differently.  But I approach life differently.  I handle situations differently.  I have different priorities.  And, as I am realizing, those are not all for the better.  It is a new struggle for me to face.  This time, though, it will have to be without that old cheese stick crutch.

Banana Bread Bomb

Good grief - I haven't posted on here for over a month...

If I was under any delusion that I had overcome my more severe food addictions, the last few weeks - especially Saturday - has proven that wrong beyond a shadow of a doubt.  I have been maintaining my weight loss very well over the last five months.  I still have had my basic "fences" up - no flour, no cheese, no baked goods, no pizza, no pasta, no breakfast meats or sandwiches.  But I have been experimenting on how I can effectively make this into a lifestyle of food management.

• I have taken up drinking coffee.  I have enjoyed the experience of trying different kinds of beans, flavors of syrup and creamer, and hot/cold options.  One surprising side effect was that it drastically cut down on my frozen yogurt consumption.  I read an article the other day saying how having some sort of sweet food after meals really helps to show your body it is "done eating."  Yogurt had always served that purpose for me at the end of the day.  But, with intermittent sweet things like coffee during the day, I have found that I haven't needed that closing dessert.  Plus, the combined caloric intake from my three cups of coffee is less than my one bowl of fro-yo.  That is, until Starbucks brought out the Mocha Coconut Frapaccinos and put them on half price.
• I have almost completely switched to ground turkey at the house.  We never really buy red meat any more.  And, unless it is in something we order out, we don't eat red meat at all.  I never liked ground turkey much.  It was too dry and flavorless.  Then I discovered how to cook it.  And I found out that it was cheaper than ground beef at Costco.  So the switch is on.  Honestly, I don't think we've bought red meat at our house for six weeks now.  And I don't hear anyone complaining.
• Around Easter, Publix ran a BOGO special on Dove chocolate.  I am NOT a chocolate fanatic like my mom or Gabe or my friend, Benji.  I like chocolate fine.  But I am usually good eating one piece of dark chocolate.  I got two bags of the Dove Promises and had one or two a day.  I nursed those bags for over a month.  I felt this wasn't a problem because chocolate has never been a problem for me to leave alone - and it served that same purpose I mentioned the coffee served.
• I have been trying different dips during this whole experience.  I was surprised to discover that I really enjoy guacamole and hummus - especially Sabra's spinach artichoke version.  Plus, I found Riceworks brown rice chips.  In the afternoon, I'll eat a handful of chips dipped in the hummus.  When we go to a Mexican place, I allowed myself some tortilla chips with salsa and guac.  This was something I had stayed away from for months.  But I started to allow it - making the argument with myself that it was corn and not wheat flour.  (Shaky argument, at best, I realize.)  This is where things started to get messy.  

Corn is a weird food.  It is a vegetable, but when a person is trying to reduce their carb intake they are told to avoid corn.  It can be used as a flour so easily that you can replicate most things that have flour in them with corn.  To most people, it is not really a big deal.  But, to a person who has relied on a strict set of rules and guidelines to break an addiction, it is a big problem.  At first, I allowed myself corn as a veggie option. In fact, I ate it frequently.  But I didn't allow myself the corn flour options - corn chips, cornbread, tortillas. They were too close to problem foods for me.  Plus, they were essential ingredients in some of the foods I couldn't have - like tacos, burritos, quesadillas.  As much as I liked those things, I didn't like other corn offerings.  I have never liked cornbread or corn tortillas very much.  So, I kind of had a hard time drawing the line over the last sixteen months or so.  

I allowed myself cornbread with some chili one time.  Then I had it at a BBQ place another time.  Soon, I found that I was ordering it every time it was an option.  I don't know if it was part of my changing taste buds that have allowed me to embrace other foods I used to hate (pickles, sweet potatoes, hummus, avocado, meatloaf).  It also could have been that I was so desperate for anything that looked or tasted like bread that it sucked me in.  Either way, I noticed that I was having a hard time turning it down.  Also, the tortilla chips started to be a problem.  When I went to a Mexican place once a month, it wasn't that big of a deal.  But it started to be that the people we were with wanted to go to those kinds of restaurants more often.  Now I was being confronted with chips and salsa and guac weekly (or more).

Those things combined with a trip to Orlando, lots of hours in the car, and eating out more while away from home.  Next thing I knew, I had gained five pounds.  260.  Not necessarily a big deal.  But, to me, it was a big problem.  I couldn't allowed for that slow degeneration.  I had to be more careful.  When I got back home, I was much more careful.  Corn bread went into the "bread" category and was banned.  The chips had to go back to a "once in a rare while" category.  I went back to my normal routine of yogurt, meat/beans/rice mix for lunch, and dinner.  The coffee remained, but the Fraps went out the window.  I was able to drop three pounds last week - which made me feel better.  But I knew I needed to be more careful.

Which is why Saturday was so shocking to me.  I had bought stuff to make a nice breakfast for Heather and the kids.  I scrambled up eggs, made some bacon, toasted up some, uh, toast.  I know all of these are no-nos for me.  I am allergic to eggs.  Bacon and toast are on my banned list.  But I had a half piece of bacon when I was getting the kids their food.  I had eaten bacon a couple times, and each time I realized I need to leave it be.  This time was no different.  I started to feel like I needed to have more.  It didn't help that there was a lot left over.  I managed to fight off that draw, but as a reminder of the slip up I had indigestion for hours from the piece I had.

We had a bunch of old bananas on the counter.  I usually toss them.  I am not wasteful when it comes to food.  But I intentionally got rid of the old yellow fruit because the only good things I knew to make with them was banana bread (or some variation).  Baked goods are one of my major problem foods.  And banana bread has always been one of my absolute favorites.  So, I got rid of the bananas on purpose.  This time, though, I decided to make the bread and send it in to Heather's classmates or the kids' teachers or something.  I found a great recipe and made the bread.  I had no clue if the kids would like it or not.  So I had them try it.  I cut off the end piece - knowing they wouldn't want that.  The big kids loved it.  But that end was sitting there, getting wasted.  And I wanted to know if it was a good recipe.

It was.

This was the first wheat flour I had eaten since January 2010.  It was the first sweet baked good I had in that time too.  Good grief, it was incredible.  I don't know if it was distance making the heart grow fonder or what.  But it was amazing.  The kids wanted a second piece, which I gave them.  Then I wanted Gabe to try it.  He didn't like it.  (He's weird.)  So, I went ahead and ate the rest of his piece.  When Heather got home, she tried it and agreed it was great.  But I knew I was in trouble.  Every time I walked past the kitchen, I wanted some.  When I cut some for the rest of the family later, I had to fight off the urge to have another piece.  Finally, I put it away and said, "This is precisely why I never have made this."  

The whole experience showed me that I am NOT over the addictions - they just are dormant.  But they will flare up the second I have a chance to feed them.  I have many times wondered what would happen if I was to eat one of the slices of pizza when I am serving the kids on pizza and movie night.  What about if I had one of these cupcakes or a donut?  Couldn't I handle having Cheerwine on tap just once at 4Rivers Smokehouse?  Well, Saturday (and the last few weeks) showed me.  I would be back hooked on those foods faster than you could believe.  I remember years ago I tried to give up soda.  I didn't have it for six weeks.  Then I went to a Tampa sub shop that had specialty sodas and had a root beer.  I was back on a full time soda habit within two weeks.  That is what happens with an addiction.

The encouraging thing to see was how quickly I recognized what was happening and was able to compensate.  I adjusted my actions and kept moving.  I didn't beat myself up.  I didn't go on a banana bread bender.  I realized the danger and changed my behavior.  I know I have to be more careful.  I can't take my success for granted.  There needs to be constant diligence.  As good as those foods are, they are not worth feeling like I used to and gaining weight.  So the bananas either need to go away - or the bread needs to be baked and removed as quickly as possible.  And the corn products need to be better regulated.  And I need to stick to coffee drinks without the word FRAP in them.  

No Go Fro Yo

Well, things are still just rolling along.  I haven't lost any more weight.  I haven't gained any more weight.  And, since I haven't had much success exercising yet, that is exactly where I will stay for a while.  I have continually tweaked things and tested what would happen if I added foods - lightened up the strictness.  On Thursdays, I have been having lunch with a friend of mine at Buffalo Wild Wings.  The special that day is boneless wings for 60 cents each.  I can get ten of those for six bucks, but for me to get their naked unbreaded tenders it is ten dollars.  I have a hard time paying that, so I have been experimenting with getting the pseudo wings, even though they are breaded.  I'm not very happy doing that, so I will not keep it up - I'm afraid it sets a dangerous precedent.  Once I allow breaded chicken back in, where is the line?  I need a line.

One thing that I allowed in months ago was frozen yogurt.  I was eating yogurt mixed with peanut butter at first.  Then I realized that I could eat frozen yogurt for the same calorie hit.  So it has been a big part of my diet.  It has worked well for me.  I don't feel deprived of all "bad for you" foods.  It also has been a good ending for my day.  I find I don't wander and snack at night if I have frozen yogurt.  Also, it seems to help my stomach.  That was one reason I started eating ice cream at night years ago was that it helped minimize acid reflux.  The frozen yogurt has had the same result.

The problem comes from that I have noticed my helpings of frozen yogurt had grown over the past few months.  At first, I had a small dessert bowl of fro yo.  Then it moved up to half a cereal bowl.  Now it is more than that.  I usually can go through a half gallon in three or four days - depending on the flavor.  (Edy's cappuccino goes faster.)  I had been pretty restrained for a while.  But then there were some days when I had a smaller dinner and justified the larger dessert.  That soon became the norm.

What really bothered me was that the other day I thought about not eating it and started to feel those old feelings of anger at the thought of being deprived of something I liked.  That was when I knew I was in trouble.  It was like when I had been doing so well with keeping my movie obsession under control under The Dark Knight came out.  To fix that, I intentionally didn't see the movie in the theater and didn't watch the DVD until about six months after the movie came out.  It was a way to self-correct the problem.  I realized then and there that I had to do something or the frozen yogurt was going to morph into a new area where I lacked control.  I am NOT going to let any food get the best of me again.  I've had to do this before when I felt certain foods were becoming too important.  I went about a month without BBQ at the first of the year, largely reducing my lunches and dinners to variations of chili and beans/rice.

So I stopped having frozen yogurt on Monday.  The first night, I wanted to go back on the decision.  My only real reason was that I didn't like giving it up - which really showed me I was on the right track.  It was hard that first night.  I ended up making my lemon/blueberry yogurt and added some dried blueberries and crushed up blueberry rice cakes.  It was very good.  Sure, it ended up being about the same calories as the frozen yogurt.  But it did the trick.  Call it hair splitting, but there is a clear difference between regular yogurt and frozen yogurt.  Just go try them both and you'll see.  Last night was a lot easier.  I don't have any fro yo in the house, so there hasn't been temptation to eat it.  I snacked on nuts and dried fruit.  I still need to find a good alternative, but for the interim I can handle it.

I'm not going to ban frozen yogurt forever.  It is a temporary restriction - like my Dark Knight approach. I saw that movie and have watched it several times since then.  But it helped me to get things under control.  I am back to the place where I can miss a movie I really want to see in the theater  and not get upset.  (Netflix helps.  Take Unstoppable.  I really wanted to see it when it was out, but never made it.  So I got it on Netflix the other day.  I wish I had seen it in the theater because it is a BIG movie.  But I saw it eventually - without paying crazy ticket prices.)  After this week, I'll see how I'm doing.  If I feel I have gotten things under control I will probably get some frozen yogurt.  But I am limiting myself to the small dessert bowls again.  If I still feel week, it will go back on the no-no list until I get things straight.

I'll see how all of this goes.  I wouldn't be surprised if I actually lose a few pounds.  Dropping those extra 400 calories a day will probably help me get down to 250 (or below).  This is definitely NOT a weight loss move.  It is to re-establish control for myself.  It really is a neverending battle.

Hollow Day

I just finished reading Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins.  I would understand if you assumed that it was a food related book, since I am mentioning it on this site and it has a GREAT name for such a thing.  But it actually had nothing to do with that.  (It's a young adult thriller about a dystopian society.  Good book.)  There is a lot of food references in it.  But it mainly is to show the differences between areas of the society. The main character often thinks about food, because it is one of the elements she needs to survive - which is frequently not guaranteed.

Anyway, in the course of the story, the girl talked about how one day was a "hollow day."  That was a day where, no matter how much you ate, you just still felt hungry.  It didn't happen often, but it did happen once in a while.  In her case, days like that were a big problem because they didn't have much food.  So hollow days were a big inconvenience.  Have you ever had a day like that?  I'm not talking about a day of the munchies caused by boredom or some, um, chemical introduced into your system.  That isn't really the same thing.  This is a day where you just feel hungry all day.  It doesn't matter what you do, your stomach growls and complains.

Today has actually been one of those days for me.  I ate my usual breakfast - a Fage blueberry Greek yogurt and a handful of cashews.  A little later, still feeling hungry, I had a banana.  Then I had some more cashews.  About an hour later, I had an apple.  By 11:00, though, I was ravenous.  I don't mean bored.  I don't mean a little hungry.  I meant, my stomach was hurting and growling.  I was starting to feel a little ill. It made no sense.  I managed to put off eating lunch until I picked Heather up at 12:30.  We had Panera and I had a BBQ chicken salad and cup of chili.  By the time I got home, I felt like I hadn't eaten at all.  So I had another Fage yogurt.  It didn't help much.  I've been doing my best to avoid the kitchen, only grabbing a few cashews here and there.

Hollow days are hard.  I think everyone has them.  To a person who isn't watching their weight (or who doesn't need to), it can be a minor inconvenience.  But it is manageable.  Sneak a candy bar here; eat a bag of chips there.  But, to a person who is trying to be careful with their food decisions, a hollow day can be catastrophic.  How do you fight it off?  There aren't that many foods that can actually be snarfed down without consequence.  Nuts have a lot of calories.  Chips, crackers, mini rice cakes all have their share of calories and carbs.  Even fruit packs a wallop of sugar.

The problem is that it is easy to find something destructive when you are trying to get rid of that edge.  I can walk into the pantry right now and grab a bag of Goldfish crackers, a handful of cookies, a pack of peanut butter crackers.  Those would all help my hunger - for a while.  But they would hurt me in the long run.  And, even worse, it would make me feel like a failure.  That would almost secure a real mistake at a later meal.  I remember many times where snacking and picking all day would leave me so upset by dinner that I would just forget my usual game plan and go off the deep end.  Fortunately, that is not really an option any longer.  But the feeling of a hollow day is certainly still unsettling.

The human body is strange.  What we actually need each day is different.  There are some days where we could get by with just a small meal here or there.  And then there are those days when it is like our body is calling out for more than we think is healthy.  I remember having one of these hollow days a few months back.  I was sure that I had done a number on my weight loss.  But the next day was one of my weigh in days and I had lost two pounds.  That is one of those cases where we need to actually learn to listen to our bodies and learn what it is asking for.  And then we need to answer it.  Is it actually thirsty and not hungry?  Is it just needing more calories that day for some reason?  If our body is asking, I don't think it is bad to answer that - even if it is outside of our pre-ordained diet plan.  The trick is to know when it is really necessary.  When is that just boredom?  When is it our body trying to trick us into getting more sugar or carbs?  That is an important and difficult lesson.  In the mean time, I need to try to manage the hollow days so that they don't end up being a pitfall instead.

New Year's Day

Today is New Year's Day.  January 1, 2011.  As all the twitter feeds and news sources will tell you, this is the chance for a new beginning.  It is a time to make promises and resolutions - a time to start fresh and new.  I have always found it interesting that the vast number of people end the old year doing all the same things they have always done (getting hammered, partying, making questionable choices, staying up too late) and then expect the calendar flip to give them the willpower to stop doing that.

I have always been one of those people.  Every January 1, I would try to tell myself that I could change things the next year.  This would be the year that I finally starting reading my Bible consistently or praying more often.  I finally would get my temper under control.  And, of course, I would lose weight.  It is the number one resolution that people make.  I made it so often that I finally stopped.  When people would ask me what my resolutions were, I would tell them I didn't make them because they didn't matter.  But, deep down inside, I hoped that somehow I would be able to do it anyway.

It really is a ridiculous effort - to put so much weight (ha ha) on one day.  But millions of people do it every year.  The problem is that when you wake up on the First, nothing really has changed.  You are the same person with the same addictions and weaknesses and history.  Your kitchen is full of the same problem foods.  There are the same holiday cookies and cakes, the same snack foods.  There probably are leftovers from the party the night before.  How can anyone expect to walk downstairs and into a new life like that?  It is setting yourself up for failure.  And that just feeds the cycle.

When the inevitable failure comes - which odds are it will - that is just more ammo in the weapons of doubt and shame.  It is another example of how this problem is too big to defeat.  You train yourself to fail.

This year is so much different for me.  This morning I woke up and realized for the first time that I could even remember, I didn't say, "Maybe this year I can lose weight."  Instead I woke up and said, "I weigh 100 pounds less than I did last year."  That was an exhilarating feeling.  I have almost gone an entire calendar year now.  I have made it through every major holiday, every possible trap and pitfall.  There wasn't a resolution to be made.  The thing is, it came through hard work and planning and discipline.  Those are the things that resolutions don't have.  It takes preparation and execution - commitment.  I find it fitting that my journey didn't begin on January 1.  It was on the 18th.  It is kind of symbolic that it wasn't a whim of a thought - it was a serious choice.

For those of you out there who are struggling, I pray that this year you are able to find victory and freedom.  Don't get wrapped up in meeting some arbitrary goal set because the calendar flipped.  Take your time and plan.  Realize this is going to be a long process.  But, in the grand scheme of things, what is a year?  It is a blip in your life.  If it takes a whole year to get your weight under control, so what?  You still have all those later years that will be better because of it.  Don't give up if you mess up on January 4.  Don't quit if you haven't lost all 30 pounds by April 15, or if you have a month with no changes.  Keep pressing forward.  It will be worth it.

Take it from a person who has lived this.  For the first time ever, I can enter the new year with a new mindset.  I'm not done yet.  But it is a lot less daunting thinking that I only need to lose 30 or 50 pounds instead of 150!  Let your resolution be that you will give yourself the chance to succeed.  Happy New Year, friends.

WEEK 48: 100

When you are battling any addiction, having milestones is essential.  Each benchmark passed is an encouragement to keep going.  It is kind of like those auto-save features on a video game.  The goal is that if you slip a little, you never go back past that point.  It gives you an extra push to keep moving forward.  That is why recovering addicts mark the days, months, years of sobriety.  It is a way to celebrate how far they have come.  But it also is a way to provide strength in weaker moments.  Sometimes the only thing that stops you from snarfing down a jelly donut is that it will ruin a benchmark.

I've had tons of these during this process.  For me, losing 50 pounds, hitting 300 pounds, hitting 280 were all personal victories for me.  But there was one benchmark that was the most important to me.  100 pounds.  That truly was my only goal.  I wanted to lose 100 pounds in the first year.  And honestly, if that was all I could lose, I would be happy.  It was more important than hitting 250 or 220 or even 200.  If I lost 100 pounds, then I would have truly accomplished something incredible.  I've been drifting downward lately.  And, frankly, I was worried that I would actually meet my goal.

Today, though, I hit it.  We were traveling yesterday, which was my usual four week check-in day.  So this morning I had to weigh at my in-laws' house.  I hate using different scales because they all seem to weigh in their own unique style.  So when the scale popped up "254.6" I was dubious.  I got off and walked around and then got on again.  "254.6" I went out and asked my mother-in-law how accurate her scale was.  I had used it once before and it was pretty close to ours.  She said it was comparable to her doctor's scale.  I was still nervous.  It wasn't just 100 pounds that it hit; it actually was 101 pounds.  Heather and her mom tried to convince me that it was probably right.  I couldn't believe it because that meant that I had dropped over five pounds in the last four weeks.

Five pounds?!?  Over the holidays?  While driving 800 miles in the last five days?  That doesn't compute.  Sure, I'm not eating holiday goodies.  But I have been having the occasional latte.  However, one thing I have learned over this process is to not try to figure out the weight loss.  It comes in spurts.  It stops and starts.  No rhyme or reason.  So I figured that even if the scale was off by a pound - or even a pound and a half - it would still be 100 pounds.

I'm not gonna lie to you, I threw my arms up in the air and was very very happy.

But, this is far from over.  So, what's next?  I reached my goal almost a month early (28 days to be exact).  My game plan had been to hit 100 pounds on diet alone, if possible.  Then I would add in exercise.  So that is that next step.  When we get back to Tallahassee at the first of the year, I will start walking and using the Wii Fit again.  I'll see how that goes and if I can find a way to work more stuff into my tight schedule.  People have asked what my ultimate goal is.  I don't really know.  The only number I had in my head was 100 pounds.  I am going to go as far as I can take this.  My diet is set.  I am not going to make small alterations just to drop a pound or two.  I am very comfortable with how I am eating.  It is easy to maintain and it is pretty healthy.  So now I will see how much I can drop by adding in exercise.  The number floating around in my head is 220.  If I can drop another 30 pounds in the next year, I would be happy.  If I could hit 200, I would be ecstatic.  I know the BMI charts say 180 is ideal - but I am not going to be ultra-restrictive and regimented to get there.  Today, though, is a day for celebrating.  100 pounds.  Thank you God.

Nothing for Thanksgiving

I watched a lot of football this past Thanksgiving weekend.  A LOT of football.  One of the things about football is that while you may see the big highlights on ESPN, there are dozens of small plays that really determine the outcome of the game.  It may be a dive over tackle on a third and one that keeps the play going.  It could be a receiver stretching out for an extra yard.  Or a linebacker stopping a running back from going out of bounds - keeping the clock running.  The games are usually won and lost on those small plays.  The big ones may get the attention.  But the small ones make the difference.

I was stressing a bit about Thanksgiving.  It is probably the worst four or five days of the year for dieters.  Sure, there are bad individual days out there.  But Thanksgiving has basically become a holiday about eating.  And it lasts the whole weekend.  Thursday is the big day to stuff yourself.  But the leftovers last all weekend.  Pies hang around to be snarfed.  Everyone's reheating all the stuff you aren't supposed to eat.  So it is a ton of consistent fighting off trouble.

When I weighed last Monday, I was 260.2.  That marked 95 pounds and put me within shooting distance of hitting 100 by my one year mark.  Today, after all the holidays, travelling, overeating, I weighed 260.2.  I actually raised my arms to the ceiling and cheered.  It was one of those small plays that won't make the highlight reel.  But it was huge to me.  I managed to make it through the whole weekend and not gain anything.  Even with all the travelling - which usually makes me retain water - and eating out on the road yesterday, I was still the same.  

That was a massive victory for me.  I didn't sit there all weekend and refuse to eat anything.  I ate quite well.  We grilled chicken and sausages on Wednesday with baked beans, peppers, roasted sweet potatoes, and roasted regular potatoes.  We had pumpkin oatmeal for breakfast.  Thursday, I had ham, turkey, pumpkin risotto, cranberry conserve, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole.  We had grilled food again on Friday.  I had leftovers here and there.  Saturday I had a Mexican rice bowl I made with guacamole, chicken, steak, beans, salsa, and rice.  We even ate at McAllister's Deli - twice.  In short, I ate more than my share of good yummy stuff.

I had to forego some stuff.  I avoided the mashed potatoes, corn casserole, dressing, chips, pizza, pies, cookies, cheeseburgers, more pies, and cheese that other people ate.  And I had frozen yogurt when everyone else was diving into baked goods.  But I really enjoyed myself.  And I gained nothing.  Plus zero, minus zero.  But it felt like a major win.  It certainly gives me hope for the month of December and the mine field it presents.  And it also gives me more encouragement to work hard these next three weeks before the madness really begins.  I figure I could really make some progress in that time.  If I was able to make it through Thanksgiving without any damage, I am sure the next three weeks at home should be easier to maintain.

On other thing.  I posted this on Facebook the other day, but I'll put it here too.  This picture was taken last Thanksgiving at our family get together.

When I found that, I could hardly believe it.  How did I let myself get to that point?  What I posted on Facebook is true.  Every year at Thanksgiving, I thank God for my family, friends, and freedom.  But this year, I am the most thankful that I finally allowed God to free me of being the guy in that chair.

WEEK 44: Prepping for the Gauntlet

First, the dirty details.  I am at 260.2 pounds.  That is about a 2.5 pound drop from last checkin.  Of course, that all happened in the last week.  For most of this cycle, I actually had been up a couple pounds.  Friday was the first drop I saw, and then it went down a little on Monday as well.  I just bought a few warmer shirts for the winter.  I was very comfortably in XLT shirts.  If I don't have the tall option, XXL works - but the length is hit or miss.  I went to American Eagle the other day just to see what happened.  There were several clearance XXL shirts that I loved.  They fit great - when I was standing.  But they spread when I sat.  And they were a little too short.  This is the problem with stores like Gap, Old Navy, AE, A&F.  They use a smaller sizing system than they used to - and smaller than other companies.  A XXL at Old Navy may be equal to a XL at Sears.  Kind of frustrating.  That usually means I'm still stuck in the Big and Tall section and their limited options.  Oh well, I can't get shorter.

We have a night wedding this December to go to.  Since it is customary to dress nicer for those, I tried on my suit.  This is the same suit that I had to get altered to be able to wear it to Heather's gala in April.  It was ridiculous.  The shirt was billowing.  I had to pull the pants up to my chest to have them stay up.  The jacket wasn't bad, but you could tell it was too big.  I had lost like 45 pounds since April!  So I'm not sure what to do about that.  I don't know if it can get taken in as much as it needs.  If not, I may have to find a suit deal.  And then hope it still fits come April for this year's gala.

So far, the grand total is 95 pounds.  I really have wanted to lose 100 by the end of the year, but I'm not sure if that will happen or not.  At the rate I've been losing, five pounds in six weeks is a pretty tall order.  I haven't seen that kind of drop in months.  Technically, I don't hit the one year mark until January 18.  So if I don't hit 255 by December 31, if I can do it by January 18 I will be happy.  I really believe that this is the worst time of year to try to lose weight.  It is like a perfect storm of diet crushing.  There is travel, staying at other people's houses, losing your safe routine of foods and restaurants, baked goods, holiday feasts.  It is a real challenge.

For me, this is my favorite time of year.  All year I look forward to Thanksgiving week through New Year's.  It just makes me happy.  I love seeing family, getting presents, eating holiday food, getting presents, the cooler weather, getting presents, the general feeling and excitement of the season, getting presents, and - of course - getting presents.  The food is a very big part of the holiday.  Shoot, in America we almost define these holidays by what is served.  Thanksgiving has become Turkey Day.  There's the Christmas Ham or Roast Beast and Christmas Cookies.  New Year's comes with copious alcohol and buffet spreads - or more ham.

I loved this in year's past.  It seemed like all my favorite foods were located in this season.  Pumpkin stuff, pies galore, turkey, cranberries, ham, cookies, holiday breads, pecan pickups, sour cream cookies, chocolate cool whip cookies, shortbread.  Snacking was accepted.  No one got on your case when you wander through the kitchen and snag a couple cookies.  In fact, if you didn't eat those things, people wondered what was wrong with you.  What other time of year is is perfectly acceptable to give people a plate of food as a present?!?  I remember working at churches and the staff area was always jammed with snacks the entire month of December.  As a teacher, I would get a ton of baked goods.  And then there are the Christmas parties.  We haven't been to those since we moved, but before that it seemed there were several each year.  Those were just a green light to snarf snacks of all kinds.  It was awesome.  Food and holidays go hand in hand.

This year, I now stand at a kind of gauntlet.  I have made it through ten months.  So far, every holiday or celebration I was worried about has been conquered.  I've survived traveling, cookouts, birthdays, Halloween, Easter.  And I haven't cheated with any of my no-no foods.  The next six weeks is going to be the biggest challenge.  I don't think that I will cheat - I have too much invested in this.  It is just going to be hard to watch and know what I'm missing.  I don't think the cheating is the question.  It is the mental struggle.

For example, at our house Friday night is often pizza night.  We either get pizza or make it and watch tv. It is a nice little ritual.  But I haven't been able to participate for ten months.  Usually it isn't a big deal.  There is no way I am eating the pizza.  But there are times when it is very very hard.  I have to go get the pizza or prepare it.  Then I have to cut it and dole it out.  And the whole time I can't have it.  I have to smell it, touch it, watch people eat it.  And then I go to my bowl of leftover beans and rice and whatever meat wandered into it.  It isn't easy.  People don't remember that.

That's what I'm worried about for the holidays.  We have Thanksgiving, a wedding in South Carolina, Heather's birthday, Natalie's birthday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day.  All of those bring with it their own collection of problem foods.  But then there is also the constant presence of the holiday accessories.  Usually if I am facing a tough challenge, once it is over I can just move on.  With this, it doesn't end.  It is just a continuing string of those days.  I know it isn't possible to expect everyone else to forego their holiday celebrations because of me.  So I am going to have to steel myself.

Josiah will come up to me on pizza night or at the movies and ask me if I am sad that I can't have the food or the candy or soda.  I will usually respond with this.  "For most of my life I never told myself no.  I enjoyed those things enough in my first 36 years to last me the rest of my life."  That goes for holidays too.  I have had more than my share of good times on those days.  I have eaten pies, cookies, candies, sausage balls, mashed potatoes, and holiday bread enough to last a lifetime.  Now is the time to do it right - to be controlled.  Yes, it is hard missing out on things.  But I never did before - I never said no.  It is time I learned that.

Be praying for me this holiday season - and for all those people close to you with weight problems.  Understand just how hard it is for them.  Every tray of baked goods that comes into the office, every party, every gift exchange.  They all are stressful.  Each one comes with the battle.  Each time they give in they get crushed with guilt and shame and anger.  And that just makes the process worse later.  I know it is impossible to change the holiday.  People are not going to go for a celery swap any time soon.  But maybe you can be an encouragement to those people who struggle during this season.  Be sensitive to them and find a way to include them - without making it super obvious.  "HEY FATTY!  I brought salad for you!!!"  Not what I meant.  Just be thoughtful.  And if you don't struggle, well there is something else to be thankful for on Thursday.

Twinkie Diet

There has been quite a bit of press given to Mark Haub recently.  He is a professor of human nutrition at Kansas State and recently has been running a bizarre experiment.  (To read all about it, here is the story on CNN.)  He wanted to see if he could lose weight by eating a "convenience store diet."  Basically, he was eating stuff like Twinkies, brownies, Little Debbies, and Doritos and trying to lose weight - just by limiting how much of those things he ate.  The crazy thing is that it worked.  He lost 27 pounds.  It wasn't just the weight loss, either.  He also saw improvements in all his blood tests - cholesterol, body fat, everything.

Now, due to the bizarre nature of the trial, it has gained a lot of attention.  And, with that, there is going to be more ammunition for people who are struggling with weight to show they aren't doing anything wrong. It also will probably lead to numerous misguided efforts by people desperate to lose weight.  There are some important lessons to be learned from this experiment - and none of them are "go eat twinkies."

First of all, look at what he ate.  He had a very limited caloric content.  He took vitamins.  He also ate cans of green beans.  Basically, he eliminated meat and bread and put snack foods in the place of those foods.  Instead of having chicken, rice, and veggies, his dinner would be twinkie, brownie, and veggies.  So, this wasn't eating meals PLUS twinkies.  Twinkies were his meals.

Second, the thing he was trying to prove was that in losing weight, it is a matter of controlling calories more than what you eat.  This is entirely true.  From all of my years of efforts to lose weight, I can verify that calorie control can definitely make you lose weight.  On Weight Watchers, I was able to lose fifty pounds in four months due to being very regimented on their point system.  I rarely went over my allotted calories.  I was very restrictive with things like breakfast (grits or oatmeal) and snacks (fruit).  That way I could be a little flexible with lunch and dinner.  By flexible, I mean that I still found ways to eat pizza, cheeseburgers, cookies.  You could work those into the structure.  So, on the surface that theory is sound - limit calories and lose weight.

BUT!!!  (You knew it was coming.)  For me, and I would wager for most people, that did nothing to break the addictions that were actually behind my struggles.  There were certain foods that I couldn't say no to.  And as long as I could still find ways to have those foods, I never would really have victory.  If there was still a way to work those things into my diet, I found a way.  With Weight Watchers, for example, I would have my grits in the morning (4 points), a banana for snack (2 points), and then a salad for lunch (5-7 points).  That would leave me 24 points for dinner.  That approximately is 1200 calories for dinner!  You can get away with a lot for 1200 calories.  Double cheeseburgers.  Soda.  Pizza.  Was I really learning to eat right?  Or was I just learning how to rig the system.  For me, I couldn't maintain the loss.  That is why we see so many people yo-yo on diets like Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers.  They market themselves as "able to eat whatever you want" diets.  So you never learn to break dependence on those foods.

Who would be attracted to the concept of a Twinkie Diet?  Probably someone who has a strong affinity to sweets and baked goods.  Would that person really be successful in this?  Sure, they may lose weight like Professor Haub did.  They may even keep it up for months.  But, I think at some point they would tire of eating Ding Dongs and want other food.  And that is where Haub's diet has a big problem.  If you were to try to add in even healthy food, you go over your limits.  The whole thought of "I think I'll have an apple - that's healthy" would actually hurt you.  The calories in fruit would throw you off.  Not good.

The third thing to learn - which I think is a valuable lesson - is that there is indeed freedom in how you attack your weight issues.  I know that my approach is something that would not work for everyone.  And there are people who don't think I'm doing things right.  "BBQ?  That's not healthy!  Frozen yogurt?  That's just splitting hairs about ice cream."  But, for me, I have lost 93 pounds.  More importantly, I have maintained the loss and the lifestyle for ten months.  Why?  I have eliminated the addictive foods.  I'm not trying to figure out how to work those things back in.  I found better options and use those.  I'm not measuring and religiously monitoring calories.  But, by the very elimination of those fatty, starchy, high calorie foods that used to make up the bulk of my diet, I have greatly reduced my caloric intake.  For months, I was only taking in 1200-1400 calories a day.  Now, I usually am taking in about 1800 calories.

I think that what Haub was trying to prove is that you don't have to just eat lettuce and boiled chicken to lose weight.  The true issue is control.  Can you be controlled in your food intake?  Haub was controlled - very regimented on his exact daily diet.  He just happened to use junk food as his controlled food options.  The problem is that the media is going to seize onto the sensational elements of the experiment. The headline is always "Man loses 27 pounds on twinkie diet."  That gets you to click on the article (I did).  I'm afraid that some people are actually going to try this and get into worse trouble.  Instead of finding the control they need, they are actually going to further unleash their addictions.  Unless they just get nauseated by sheer quantity of Twinkies.  Maybe it could be like immersion therapy.

Coffee

One food that is a bit of an unclear area to me is coffee.  I know some people are major big time coffee addicts.  You know the type.  "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee!"  I am NOT this time of person.  I have never drank very much coffee.  It never was a part of my daily life.  This may seem odd, since I usually gravitate towards addictive and destructive foods.  But, for some reason, I never really got that attached to coffee.  My dad drank it every morning and during the evenings.  But I never did.

The really strange thing is that I love the flavor of coffee.  I adore the smell of coffee.  From when I was a little kid, one of my favorite ice cream types was coffee.  Breyer's coffee ice cream was the epitome of ice cream perfection.  I got waylaid by Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch for a while, but eventually went back to Breyer's.  (Until Publix introduced their Barnie's coffee - which was just as good as Breyer's and much less money.)  My mom used to make me coffee chocolate chip cookies.  I ate chocolate covered coffee beans.  I got jamocha shakes at Arby's.  I like mocha truffles.  If you got me something coffee flavored, there was a very good chance that I would like it.

So my lack of addiction to coffee itself is a bit of mystery.  I have tried to figure this out over the years.  I know that I don't like the bitterness that comes with coffee.  I like the flavor, but the bitterness pushed me away.  The only way I could get rid of it was to load it full of milk and sugar.  And that could be why I like coffee flavored things so much - they used the essence of coffee but loaded it with sugar and cream and chocolate.  As I got older and discovered other kinds of coffee, I liked some of them.  Things like cappuccinos, lattes, and mochas were very good - largely due to their cream/sugar content.  But, since I hadn't developed the coffee habit early on, I didn't adopt it later.

Another big problem is the fact that I live in Florida.  It is freaking hot here.  All. The. Time.  I don't find it very pleasant to be sitting in 95 degree heat, suffering through 95% humidity, and then pour boiling hot coffee down my throat.  During the milder winter months, it is a pleasant thing.  I love being out in the evening in December with a hot chocolate or coffee drink.  But, we are talking about a very small percent of the time that this can be pulled off.  It is a niche product.

So, when it comes to my current weight efforts, coffee was a non-player.  Soda?  Oh hecks yeah.  That was a big deal.  But coffee didn't even come into play.  I had to give up coffee ice cream, but can usually find coffee frozen yogurt somewhere if the urge strikes me.

So, why even bother with this post?  Well, it is actually because I have been wondering about adding coffee to my life.  Here's my conflicting thoughts on that idea.  First of all, when I gave up soda, I lost caffeine.  I don't have any caffeine any more.  That is good, I feel.  There is not really a good reason to try to add caffeine into my life now that I have kicked it.  So that has kept me from drinking coffee.  BUT, at the same time, with Gabers going to preschool now, we have to leave earlier and there are times when I am just dead tired.  It would be nice to have a caffeine option on those bad days.  I don't want to get into caffeine hardcore again, because I don't think it is good to do that.  BUT, Heather has said there are no studies that show a little caffeine is bad.  A responsible level of coffee consumption is not harmful.

Second, one of the flavors of the season I love is pumpkin.  Starbucks' pumpkin spice drinks are awesome.  I usually would get the pumpkin cream frappuccino, but those are just glorified milkshakes.  I have tried to stay away from the pumpkin flavored stuff since they usually come packaged in pastries or sugar laden drinks.  BUT, there are some ways to get that flavor profile in a (relatively) harmless manner.  Is that wrong?

The other day, we were driving back from Orlando.  Well, I was driving.  The kids were in the back doing their thing and Heather was studying/napping in the front seat.  I was exhausted from the weekend - driving, sick kids, 2am breathing treatments.  So we stopped at a gas station in Gainesville and I decided to get a coffee.  They had pumpkin spice cappuccinos - so I got one.  It had the steamed milk in it, and I added three splenda.  The smell was heavenly.  And it tasted great - plus it had a little jolt to help me driving the rest of the way.  I had wrestled with my decision to get the drink for literally an hour and a half.  I felt guilty buying it.  For some reason, I just kept thinking I was doing something wrong.  But I analyzed what I actually had in the cup.  It was coffee, some flavoring, milk, and fake sugar.  Where exactly is the problem?  I didn't put whipped cream or caramel or sugar in it.

On Friday, we had a full roster of school activities for all three kids.  But there were gaps between our events.  We had a half hour in between dropping the kids off and Gabe's parade starting.  So we went to Starbucks.  I got a pumpkin spice latte.  I put three splenda in it - although they did unknowingly put whipped cream on it.  It was, again, really good.  I finally came to the place where I decided I wasn't going to feel guilty about drinking it.  It isn't something that I am going to drink all the time.  But it is something that I will drink occasionally, when the opportunity arises.  As the weather gets cooler here, it will be nice to be able to have that drink.  Plus, it gives me a chance to have the flavors of the winter that I really like - pumpkin, peppermint - without eating stuff I shouldn't have.  Now THAT'S a backwards concept for you.  A 36 year old man starting a coffee habit to get healthier.  Ha!

WEEK FORTY: Old Friend, New Sacrifices

Here's the basics.  After forty weeks, I weight 262.  That's a loss of 93 pounds so far.  I am pretty solid as a 38" waist.  My 42s that I bought early on are starting to fall down pretty bad unless they are cinched up with the belt.  When I lost the first chunk of weight at the beginning, I bought a belt at Target.  It has holes all the way around the belt.  My thought was that I would be able to keep this belt through the whole process - as a way to monitor progress and a way to save money.  I started on hole 1 when I bought the belt (this was after going through several holes on my previous belt).  This week I actually buckled the new belt on hole 9.  That would be where I was wearing it if I weren't tucking in my shirt and containing extra fabric on my loose pants.

I haven't been posting much, as I've said the last few months.  There just hasn't been a ton to report.  Things are moving along.  The weight is coming off much slower - only three pounds in the past four weeks.  I really need to start working out to get it going again.  But the thought of that is not too pleasant.  Part of it is that I hate exercise.  Part of it is that my rheumatoid arthritis is getting to be very painful.  Walking is not my friend most of the time.  I am supposed to be starting on some medicine soon for the RA.  Hopefully that will make things easier for me physically.

The doctor's visit I mentioned in my last monthly update finally yielded my blood test results.  Everything looked good - except for the raging rheumatoid factor.  Years ago when I first was diagnosed with RA, one of the things that threw off my treatment was that I had an elevated ALT liver enzyme.  It was "mildly" inflated, but enough that doctors were worried that I had liver damage already - and that the RA treatments would further hurt it.  The liver enzyme could also have been attributed to damage, alcohol (never had any, so that wasn't it), or fatty liver.  The fatty liver could have been genetic or due to obesity.  Turns out that it must have been the obesity.  The number is now 21 - it's dropped like 40 points.  So that allows me to start milder treatments.  Yay!

Last weekend we went down to Orlando.  I had some meetings on Friday and the kids were out of school, so we all went down for the weekend.  It was good to see our old friends down there and hang out with them.  (The kids getting sick wasn't so great.)  Several of these people hadn't seen me since we moved, so the weight loss was pretty startling to them.  So often, I am just doing my thing that I forget just how much has been accomplished.  I don't see the change much because it was so gradual.  I'll see it if I look at old pictures.  But I don't think about it every day.  When you are around people like that, though, it is a real reminder.

The crazy thing is that several people told me they have been reading the blog - and that they actually have started working on their weight.  That is always stunning to me.  After being the human weight gain machine over the last fifteen years, I am never prepared to hear someone is losing weight because of me.  It is pretty humbling to hear that.

This trip was different than most of my trips to Orlando.  I wasn't alone, so I didn't just get to hang out in Mexican places and BBQ joints.  I had to take into account Heather and the kids - and the people we were meeting.  I try to avoid places that have been big sources of failure for me over the years.  But, to other people, those don't have the same stigma.  This trip, it ended up that we went to many of those places I usually avoid.  On the way down, we stopped at Denny's.  In years past, Denny's made me do baaad things.  I loved their cheese sticks.  I usually got chili cheese fries with my meal.  And their breakfasts were always a huge problem for me.  Thank God I already developed the egg allergy ten years ago or who knows how many Grand Slams I would have devoured.  This time, I was able to find a pretty good option: bbq chicken breast with vegetable rice pilaf and corn.  It was tasty and very good for my efforts.

The hotel provided breakfast.  This means that it has tons of stuff I can't have: donuts, cereal, yogurt with aspartame, bagels, muffins, danishes.  I didn't get to go by Publix on our way in since we arrived so late, so my breakfast was just some nuts.  Lunch we ended up going to Macaroni Grill - a minefield what with all the pasta and cheese running through the place.  But my kids love the place, so we went there.  (And someone else was paying, so who was I to complain?)  I was able to find their grillers menu items and had Italian sausage with roasted veggies and some marinara sauce.  For dinner, friends of ours invited us join them at Mimi's and use their coupons for free kids meals.  If you haven't been to Mimi's, well I'm sorry for you.  That was one of those places I loved going - their food was incredible.  BUT most of it was sooo bad for me.  They bring out fresh bread to every table - including unbelievable pumpkin and carrot bread.  I decided to be a little more lenient there and had fried pickles with my meatloaf, veggies, and brown rice.  (I ate too many pickles - the next day my fingers were so swollen I couldn't get my ring off.)

On Saturday, we had a birthday party to attend.  My dear friends, the Sharps, were throwing the bash for their three year old.  They were very sensitive to me, so they had chicken breast and fruit for me to eat.  I just had to steer clear of the cake and sugar cookies and cheeseburgers.  For lunch, the ultimate struggle appeared.  We had gone out to Downtown Disney - one of our favorite places to go when we lived in Orlando.  You get a taste of Disney without paying admission - and they have a Lego store!  Well, dinner time rolled around and we decided to go to Pizzeria Uno.  You got to understand something - the only way this place would be harder for me would be if they served donuts.  It is one of the biggest sources of failure in my life.  In my last serious weight loss effort, my birthday lunch at Uno began the destruction of my diet.  So for me to go was tough.  The added problem was that this Uno has jacked up prices due to its proximity to Disney (on top of their already jacked up normal prices).

I looked all over the menu.  Avoid the pizza pages.  Avoid the pasta pages.  Avoid the appetizers and sandwiches.  There wasn't much.  And my usual bailout foods were ridiculously priced.  The chili was $6.29 for A CUP!!!  I was getting frazzled and did the only thing I could do.  I ordered nothing.  I couldn't find an option and just didn't order.  Then I watched my kids and wife eat my favorite pizza in the universe.  I was starving, but it wasn't worth messing up or paying exorbitant prices for something I didn't want.  I have had to resort to this before.  Just the week before at the Corn Maze we went to, I had to go without lunch because they didn't have anything I could eat.

This time, it was painful, but it was the right thing to do.  On the way back to the hotel, I drove by a Del Taco and got two "Big Fat Chicken Tacos" and ate those at the hotel.  I just dumped the innards onto a plate and ate them.  Turns out, the next day after church, we joined several friends at a different Del Taco.  I got the same thing and added a bowl of refried beans.  [Side Note: I wish their was a Del Taco in Tallahassee.  Their food is really good, really cheap, and an AWESOME option for me on the run.]

I know this post isn't that deep or thoughtful.  It is just some of how my life has changed.  Things have gone well enough that I just don't think about things most of the time.  But there are those times when I have to really make hard choices to do things right.  In years past, I never would have done that.  I would have justified making a bad choice.  There is no way I would have sat there at Uno and eaten nothing.  But I can't afford to make that mistake any more.  I know that now.  I just can't buckle.  And that is the mindset I have to have coming up here for the holidays.  This is a tough time of year - very easy to mess up.  There is the Halloween candy, the Thanksgiving pies and sides, the Christmas cookies and baked treats.  It is a good thing I've had to strengthen my resolve now.  I really want to lose 100 pounds by the end of the year.  It is going to take that kind of commitment.

PS - I posted a new picture of me now.  Thanks to Rich Blann for the shoot.

BBQ

I haven't been very active posting on this site for a little while.  It is NOT because I'm doing anything wrong.  The real reason is because the whole process has become very routine to me.  I haven't had a whole lot to document.  But I know that this has become a source of inspiration or strength or diversion (or ridicule) to many of you.  So I wanted to still toss some stuff up.

Today, I wanted to write about why I love Bar-B-Que.  As I've mentioned several times in this blog, BBQ has been one of my saving graces through this whole process.  It is a great resource to me.  I can get meat, beans, and usually a vegetable.  I don't have to worry about bread or breading or cheese.  It is an easy, no-thought option.  Plus, I have always loved BBQ.  It was something that I ate even when I was eating like I wanted to be classified as a Ticonderoga Class battleship.  One of the fun things about traveling in the South for Defender events was trying different BBQ joints.

Over the past nine months, it has been at hard at times seeing so many of the things I used to love being lumped in the "NO WAY BUDDY" category.  Each season brings its own list of items that I used to enjoy that I no longer can.  Apple pie, cheeseburger on the grill, pizza on Friday nights, pumpkin pies, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin donuts, and soon Christmas cookies.  So I take some comfort in being able to still partake of something from back then.

Take yesterday, for example.  We were out at a giant corn maze in Hilliard, Florida.  They had food booths - and both of them had BBQ options.  But, they also had ridonkulously long lines.  All that was available that didn't involve a thirty minute wait was homemade ice cream and boiled peanuts.  I can't have either of those things, so I wasn't able to eat at the event.  I'm used to that kind of difficulty at events.  On the way back home, we found Jack Stack's Smokehouse in Baldwin.  It was one of those places that - if it was a deli or diner - a normal person would never risk eating at.  But, in the world of BBQ, that is the sign of a good place.  One of the best BBQ places I ever ate at was in Spartanburg, SC.  I swear, they should have given out tetanus shots complimentary after your meal.  There was a place down in West Palm Beach when I was growing up that had this for its motto: "Best BBQ in a place that isn't condemned."

Jack Stack was awesome.  I don't just get turkey and green beans - although at this place that would have been a good option.  Their turkey was incredible.  I had pork, sausage, baked beans, sweet potato fries, and fried pickles.  True, it was not "healthy" according to diet books.  But for me, it was great.  I don't eat BBQ all the time.  So, when I do, I can be a little lenient without wrecking everything.  If I do eat something that isn't perfectly right, at least it errs in a mild way.  I don't eat cheese or sugary stuff.  I don't scarf down breads or lots of starch.

BBQ also quenches my enjoyment of discovering new places.  I can compare the different restaurants, sauces, rubs, cooking techniques.  And it also is something that eventually I can try at home.  I don't have a grill right now because we live in a little apartment with a ridiculous "no huge open fires on the back screen porch" rule.  But I have started working on some of the techniques when I have a chance.  At my in-laws' house I use their grill and have learned how to cook chicken, sausage, and red meat really well.  I also make pulled pork in my oven.  Admittedly, it is a poor replacement for real pulled pork.  But it works for right now.

Every person is different.  And there are hundreds of different approaches to weight loss.  I have said all along that my way is not the only way - or the best way.  The best way is what works for each person.  For me, this has been a great approach.  I have lost a lot of weight and cleaned up my act.  And I still am able to have foods I really enjoy.  One of those is BBQ.  It is a "guilty pleasure" without doing anything wrong.  It gives me an outlet when I don't have other options.  And it brings enough variety to keep it from being dull.  Good stuff.