ReBoot

If my weigh loss journey was a movie franchise, it would be The Matrix.  The first year equals the first movie.  It was endlessly fascinating and amazing to watch.  Losing one hundred pounds in twelve months is a great accomplishment, just like the first Matrix was a great accomplishment of cinema.  People left the experience happy and talking about what they just were witness to.  The second year equals the second movie.  There was a lot of hype and it was pretty passable.  There were some awesome moments.  (Like the interstate chase sequence - in the movie, not the weight loss.)  But it was disappointing.  The third year is the third movie.  The wheels completely came off.  It is hard to believe that this is the same franchise/journey.  It is a disaster.

To recap my personal journey, in the first year, I lost one hundred pounds.  I didn't exercise to speak of.  I merely cut out foods that I could not control - burgers, subs, pizza, pasta, breakfast sandwiches, bread, cheese, ice cream, baked goods, soda.  I was very strict with myself and establish a tight perimeter of food allowances.  The weight came off quickly and consistently.

In the second year, I maintained that loss for most of the time.  I would fluctuate between 255 and 265 most of the time, depending on a variety of factors.  I also started to loosen the restrictions a bit.  It didn't seem realistic to have such an unyielding set of guidelines forever.  I still kept the troubling foods away.  But I wasn't hyper-paranoid all the time.  Things seemed to go pretty well until November - 22 months into the process.

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It is something I have dealt with for years.  A while back I had a bad go of it and had to start some treatments for it.  But it went into a kind of remission for several years.  During this weight loss process, the RA came roaring back.  It really made no sense.  Every time I saw a doctor about the RA, they would suggest I lose weight.  They thought the less stress on my joints, the better they would be.  Instead, the opposite happened.  I'm not going to lie about it - that was frustrating.  I thought that I would be hurting less, not more.  It finally got so bad that I had to start seeing a doctor to begin treatments.  After a year of that course of medication, things were not improving.  So I found a rheumatologist in Orlando and began aggressively dealing with the RA.  I went onto methotrexate and folic acid.  A side effect of that medication was a return of my acid reflux - which had gone away after I lost weight.  I also, for some bizarre reason, had to begin taking allergy medicine for the first time in my life.

I don't know if the cocktail of medicines caused it or not.  But instead of floating within that ten pound window like I had for almost a year, I rapidly gained another fifteen pounds.  By March of this year - 27 months into the process - I was consistently at 280.  Again, this caused massive frustration to me.  I hadn't changed my eating habits that drastically from the second year.  So why did I pack on the extra fifteen pounds so rapidly?  After a few months of that, I got quite irritated.

If you have never battled weight issues, let me tell you the most disheartening thing you can face.  It is when you are working hard, depriving yourself of foods, watching everyone else have fun, and things are not progressing.  Actually, that is the second most disheartening thing.  The WORST thing is when you are doing all of that and you GAIN weight.  At a certain point, it feels pointless to keep up the effort.  If you are going to gain weight doing things right, might as well do things wrong.  Right?

The summer rolled around and the kids were out of school.  This combined with a tough financial stretch for us.  It has always been tough financially with Heather in medical school.  But this summer felt tighter than ever before.  This is an undeniable truth: it costs a lot to eat healthy.  Vegetables, meat, fruit - those things are expensive.  It is much easier and cheaper to rely on less healthy foods.  It just became too difficult to make sure I always had lunches and leftovers that fit into my food plan.  So I kept backpedalling. I started eating sandwiches for lunch with the kids.  I still restricted myself to wheat bread, no cheese, and would add mustard and pickles to add flavor with few calories.

The monetary issues combined with my eroding willpower made for a disastrous situation.  Before I knew it, I was having a lot of the foods I had banned before.  In fact, there are very few things that I have not allowed myself to have - justifying it the whole way.  The fact of the matter, though, was that I just stopped caring.  The last time I weighed a little over a week ago, I was up to 292.  I have gained back 37 pounds.  Actually, it may be more - I don't know.  I am afraid I can't stop this train.  Even though I know I will absolutely hate myself if I can't control this, I still haven't gotten things under control.  The really sad thing is that I have watched two of my friends who weighed much more than me successfully drop a lot of weight.  One has lost 187 pounds in under a year.  The other is up near 100 pounds.  I know it is possible.  I've experienced it and watched it.  But I still have trouble believing that I can do it again.

The reason I made the link to a movie franchise is because there is a new practice in Hollywood that I think can apply to my efforts.  It is the reboot.  When a movie franchise has run its course, or horribly derailed, it gets a reboot.  We have seen this with Spider-Man, X-Men, Batman, The Hulk, Star Trek.  It is a successful business model.  You still are able to utilize the popular franchise but can just ignore the disaster that came out a few years earlier.  This is what I need to do.  I need to reboot my weight loss efforts.

As successful as my process was the first time, there were some major flaws.  First of all, I never really learned to not treat food as a coping mechanism.  As I have documented on this blog, food makes me happy.  When I am sad, I eat.  When I am stressed, I eat.  When I am celebrating, I eat.  For a plethora of reasons, food fills that role in my life.  I never learned to change that; I just changed WHAT foods I used for that.  Instead of pies and donuts, I would have frozen yogurt.  Instead of pizza, I would have 4Rivers BBQ.  I found "acceptable" foods within my parameters to use.  But I needed to stop that reliance on food for happiness.  That needs to change.  Second, I never learned to control portion sizes. If anything, I ate more than I used to.  Since I wasn't eating pasta, I would have extra meat.  If I couldn't have what everyone else was having, I would have a big pile of meat.  Again, I may not be having five slices of pizza.  But my portion sizes were still out of control.  My bowl of frozen yogurt was the same size as the bowl of ice cream I used to have.

Third, I never exercised.  People told me to do it.  I told them to shut it.  I hate exercise.  I hate sweating.  I hate manual labor or physical exertion.  But the weight loss cannot be maintained without some physical activity.  What I found is that I hit an equilibrium point where my stagnant lifestyle and my reduced caloric intake meet.  So, when I relaxed my restraints even a small amount, that added influx of calories was over what I burned sitting and using the remote.  As much as I detest the thought of it, I HAVE to add some kind of exercise.  Fourth, I danced too close to the flame, if you will.

When you combine all of that, it is time for a reboot.  I know it won't be easy.  I have gotten back into the habit of eating some stuff I shouldn't have.  And it still tastes good.  It is going to be a hard journey to break the habits a second time.  I know it can be done.  But there are a lot of doubts in my mind.  I just can't stand the thought that I will be back where I was.  Time to reboot.

Two Years: The Rise of Darth Fatso

It kind of snuck up on me, but today is two years since I started a process to change my life.  When I began, I weighed 355 pounds and had absolutely no self-control when it came to me approach to food.  I have tried to document my process on this blog.  For the first year, I was pretty faithful.  The second year, things became more spotty.  Part of the reason was that it was maintenance.  When I started, my goal was to lose 100 pounds in the first year - strictly by changing my food habits.  I accomplished that.  For my second year, I wanted to maintain that loss.  I wanted to learn how to live this new way.  I needed to explore what exactly I could and couldn't do.  I really just wanted to maintain my weight and resolve.  Year three I would move on to exercise.  In year two, while I was largely successful, to say that I accomplished my goal would be stretching it.

First of all, the cold hard facts.  I currently am 270.  That is down a net of 85 pounds from this weekend in 2010.  But, it is up 15 pounds from last year.  For much of this year, I was able to stay in the 260-265 range.  But the last few weeks, I found myself creeping up higher.  My clothes have started to feel a little tighter, although hard for others to really notice.  I have some shirts I don't like wearing.  The belt has gone back one hole.  I was hoping to rally right before I hit the second anniversary.  But my efforts fell short.  I know that lots of people would say encouraging things.  "Look how far you've come."  "You've still done a great job."  "That isn't so bad."  Those people mean well, but that is honestly what got me into trouble in the first place.  We can always find people who will tell us we aren't so bad.  And we can always compare ourselves to someone else and feel okay.  For me, I can compare myself to that fat load of goo from 2010.  Compared to HIM, I am fine.  But if I compare myself to 2011 David, I am not fine.

What happened?  I wouldn't go so far as to say I've relapsed.  I can point to countless examples of where I  am not even the same person I was then.  But I can definitely say that I am not as disciplined, diligent, careful as I was.  In some areas, I have gotten lazy.  The image that comes to mind is that of an ancient walled city.  There would be these walls all around their property.  The purpose was to keep OUT invaders.  There was a big deterrent there.  Massive energy had to be exerted to breach those walls.  You had to have equipment strong enough to take them down or enough manpower and resources to lay siege to the city.  It largely was a pointless endeavor.  Why would you go and attack some walled up, heavily defended city when there was some weak tailed undefended township up the road?  Those walled cities did have vulnerabilities, though.  If you eliminate the involvement of God and throngs of horn playing Israelites (Jericho), I would wager that the biggest threats to those cities came from within.  You could have someone betray the city and allow invaders in, someone incompetent who forgot to lock the doors, or people who failed to keep the walls strong.

The problem with walls is that they don't only keep people out.  They also trap their citizens IN.  There were many times during this process where I felt like a prisoner.  I felt trapped in my restrictions.  And I hated it.  I could understand that feeling being necessary for the first stretch.  But twenty months in?  It gets old, quite frankly.  It sucks.  I hated being the only one not eating pizza.  It is a lousy feeling at a wedding watching everyone chug my favorite micro-brewed root beer while I have to be satisfied with water.  I don't like it.  I can see where a person in a walled city could be convinced their security isn't worth the trapped feeling.  I also don't like the constant vigilance.  It wears me out and it gets frustrating.  That is the maintenance end.  People in those cities had to constantly check the status of the walls.  Time and weather and wind and animals and moss and grass all work together to slowly compromise those stone security options.  If you don't keep a wary eye peeled, those walls can become useless as cracks and holes appear.  This was where I really started to fail.  Little decisions would lead to bigger issues.  I didn't stop a bad choice, and it led to something worse.

Let me explain with a food example.  One of the biggest food items I had to banish was bread.  Bread was something that I just couldn't control at all.  It was a part of some of my biggest problem foods.  By getting rid of bread, I also eliminated subs, burgers, melts, pizza, calzone.  It was an important and vital decision.  No bread.  For the most part, I have really stuck to that.  But, here is how an erosion  happens.

• NO BREAD!
• A friend asks, "What constitutes 'bread'?"  A fair question.  At first, the answer is everything that uses flour to make it.  For the first stretch, I was draconian in my application of this rule.
• What about cornbread?  Well, it is more corn based.  I never have liked cornbread very much.  So maybe that will work.  I found myself eating it too often, so I kicked it back out.  But then I allowed it again.  
• Cornbread is okay.  That means that whenever I go to 4 Rivers, I can get cornbread instead of their biscuits.  At Jason's Deli, I can use their corn muffins on the chili.  At Cracker Barrel, I can have the corn muffins.  At Boston Market, I can have the cornbread.  When I make chili for everyone and buy cornbread, I can have that too.  It is amazing how often cornbread presents itself once you decide you can eat it.
• What about battered objects?  NO!  They violate two major banned foods - bread and fried foods.
• What about battered veggies?  Like pickles or onions or zucchini?  Would those be okay?  Hmmmm.  Okay, as a cheat fried pickles will be fine.  Plus they are really hard to find.  (Not really.  I find them all over the place.)  And onion rings will be okay, but not all the time.  (Yes, all the time.)  But no french fries.  That is the line.  Unless they are sweet potato fries.  No white potato fries.  That is the real line.
• How about egg rolls?  They are friend, but they are stuffed with cabbage and stuff.  Plus they go great with your chicken and rice.  No.  Are you sure?  Okay, fine.  Especially when they are avocado egg rolls.  
• How about hush puppies?  We already established that corn bread is okay.  And fried stuff is sometimes okay.  What about hush puppies?  Are those okay?  We'll allow them.  No reason to be too legalistic, right?  
• Corn based products seem to have some more validity.  As a correlation to this rule, it begin to affect my approach to chips.  Whereas I had restricted myself to rice based chips, now I wonder if I can have corn chips.  This especially applies to chips at Mexican restaurants.  See, salsa and guacamole are great and things I can eat.  But I need a delivery system.  So I begin to allow myself to have those chips at Mexican places.  
• Have you ever been able to control yourself eating chips and salsa at a restaurant?  Yeah, me neither.  This now allows me to get chips, salsa, guac at any Mexican place.  I still will almost always pick rice chips when they are available.  But they are never around at a restaurant.  
• Since we are on the topic of chips, what about pita chips?  That is the option when hummus is involved - another great allowable dip without a good delivery system.  Well, how often are you really going to find pita chips?  So those are okay.
• Of course, some places give you just plain pitas with your hummus.  Or flatbread.  Those are okay too, since they are in the delivery of hummus.  Which is healthy.
• Since flatbread is okay, and gyro meat is also allowable.  (I discovered how awesome Greek food is.  It fit my diet perfectly until this bullet point.)  So is hummus and tzatziki sauce (yogurt based).  So, then are gyros okay when there aren't that many other great options?  Sure.  Why not.  
• So, let's take stock here.  No bread, no chips.  Except for cornbread, fried veggie products (except fries), egg rolls, hush puppies, corn chips, pita bread, pita chips, flatbread.  (ummmmm)  
• So what about hard shell tacos?  I mean, isn't it kind of ridiculous and hypocritical to allow chips with salsa and guac, but not the corn taco shells for tacos?  It would make things so much easier to be able to order tacos than always to have to get fajitas and mix it all up on the plate.  Okay, fine.  Tacos are okay.  But only hard shell!
• What about pumpkin bread?  That is not really around much of the year.  Maybe this could be a cheat item?  I'll allow it.  But very warily so.  [Note: this particular though process came up three times and all three times ended up with me with the equivalent of waking up in a storm grate with a pumpkin bread hangover.  NOT smart.]  Okay, so maybe not pumpkin bread.  
• Banana bread?  See the above point.
• What about crackers?  I mean, crackers are so innocent.  People recovering from vomit fits have crackers.  Plus, they are a part of communion at church.  How bad can they be?  Hmmmm.  Good point.  We'll allow them for communion.  (Yes, I actually had a conflict about taking the cracker at communion in that first year.  I was hardcore.)  And I guess they can be used once in a while.  
• Breaded and fried veggies are okay.  What about fried and breaded chicken?  Awww, heck no.  That is a big no no in these parts.  But it is so freaking annoying to only eat grilled chicken.  And it is so hard to get that everywhere.  Plus, it costs more.  And it has smaller portion sizes.  It would make things so much easier to allow it.  Slowly, I allowed it.  But I tried to limit it to only when there was not a legitimate other option.  (Funny how loose that standard becomes.)
• Keep in mind, that through all of this process, my weight has stayed around 260.  So, since the weight hasn't gone up, I felt that my choices may have been okay.  
• Does that cracker clearance include Ritz Chips?  They are just like Ritz crackers, but crispier.  Plus they go great with that peanut butter yogurt dip.  The judge will allow it.  Now, go scarf a whole bag down on New Year's Eve.
• How about tortillas?  Absolutely not.  Under no circumstance will tortillas be allowed.  Whole wheat?  Nope.  Spinach?  Nope.  Ezekiel 23 mulit-grain high protein?  Nope.  No tortillas.  Please? NO!  
• Okay, let's say all of you are at a burger place and they have a very limited menu and one thing you can have is a grillen chicken wrap.  And they have loads of topping you can have (salsa, guac, roasted peppers), but they need to wrap it up.  And they have a whole wheat option?  How about then.  We'll allow it . . . once.  
• Next day - What about burritos at Moe's?  You can have everything inside of it.  And they have whole wheat ones.
• SCREEEEECH!!!  

The car came to a major halt.  Here was a major problem and I knew it.  See where that process went?  See where it ended up?  I had allowed so much stuff that it was hard to keep any standards.  And if I couldn't keep up with my rules by myself, how could I expect anyone else to?  People already had a hard time following my logic from the outset.  ("Wait, hot dogs are okay but not burgers?  You can have BBQ but not whole wheat pasta?")  Now when I was scrambling my own standards, when I would ask someone else what they thought, they had no idea what to say.

I ended up allowing myself cheats here and there.  But no cheat ever stays a cheat.  I know this.  I can look at that list now and realize how insane the process was.  But I never really examined it like that before.  It was a gradual erosion.  It took two years.  But there I was, yesterday, trying to convince myself not to get a burrito - one of my clearly banned foods.  (I didn't get it, if you were worried.)  Once a cheat is allowed, my mind would revisit that to see if it really was a "one time deal" or if it could be incorporated again.  My largest determining factor was the scale.  As long as I kept things around 260, I was okay.  I would have stayed at a net loss of 95 pounds.  Who wouldn't be happy with that?

But then I started to question this logic.  Was this really just a five pound fluctuation?  Or was it the first year of a process of gaining five pounds every year?  Would I sit there at the end of year three at 265?  Then 270?  Was I going to gain five pounds each year until I was back where I was?  Isn't that how I got to 355 in the first place?  It's the same thing that happened with my credit cards in the past.  I had a student card I got my first week in college.  It was one of those $500 limit cards.  By the time I hit the wall with it years later - after virtually living off it for years - it was, let's say, NOT a $500 limit.  I paid it off at one point.  But a few years later, it was back up to the former limit again.  I started to worry that I all I had done was reboot my weight so I could go back up.  Of course, I punched myself in the brain and said shut up.  I didn't want to have to get really strict again with myself.  I had already done that.  And I could look at all the victories and still believe I was fine.

There are many victories.  I still have not had any pizza, pasta, lasagna, pie, subs, sandwiches, burgers.  I can mostly say I haven't had any soda, ice cream, or cheese - although cheese has snuck into a very small number of items, I had one small cup of sugar free ice cream in December, and I have had a total of five sips of soda.  I can honestly say I have held those two food at bay and kept them on the banned list.  But I had cookies this Christmas.  I had some cupcakes.  You have seen my bread experience.  I have chocolate and frozen yogurt all the time.  So, while I have kept the spirit of my restrictions list alive, I have definitely had a field day violating the spirit of it.  Honestly, if I evaluated myself today, I would have to say that my struggle is not a raging victory.  Instead, I kind of feel like I'm playing Risk.  And even though I still have small armies all over the place, I don't have strong reinforcements anywhere.  I don't really control any complete continents.  And a strong attack may just completely collapse my army.

Two major things brought me to that conclusion.  The first was the fact that I was back up to 270 and it wasn't just a blip after a trip.  It was there for a few days.  That showed me there was trouble.  The second thing was that I saw a good number of my friends doing something called a Daniel Fast on Facebook.  From what I can gather, it is a thirty day fast where people try to follow Daniel's example with food.  They aren't eating any processed food.  They pretty much are banishing meats and rich foods.  The goal is to teach self control and to focus on living a pure lifestyle.  It is a noble thing to do.  In the past two years, I have seen numerous friends go through efforts to lose weight and/or change their eating.  I always  have been very supportive, as the friend on the other side.  Lately, though, I have felt some jealousy for them.  I started to go with the whole "well they had more to lose" defense.  And when I saw all these people doing the Daniel Fast, I started to hear that same mocking voice that used to reside in my head.  I had largely banished that voice.  But there it was, ridiculing what they were doing - trying to make me feel better about where I was.  I found reasons to diminish their efforts.  A lot of these people are at a church in Arkansas where a friend of mine is the Pastor.  The church is going through this process as a whole.  The thing is, we are doing a conference at that church in February.  Instead of thinking of how to join with them in their work, I began to count on the calendar to make sure they were "over their stupid little food thing" by the time I got there.

What the heck is wrong with me?  It hit me this morning full blast that I am in trouble.  Sure, I can keep up the half-hearted efforts I am making.  I could go through a little intense phase of a week or two to get myself back down to 260.  Then I would feel better about myself and go back to what I was doing.  I could just be more careful with the allowances.  The thing I realized two years ago was that this wasn't about food.  It was about my heart and my mind.  I needed to change my life.  Honestly, I don't want to do this again.  I don't want to go back through this garbage.  It sucks.  It is a lousy situation.  It is restricting and painful and uncomfortable.  But, if I am really being honest, I am not happy where I am.  I posted last week about how I felt that God was telling me that this year was the year for me to wake up.  I think that applies to this effort.  I've been sleepwalking through this.  There is very little thought involved. When it comes to a questionable food choice, I used to err on the side of strictness.  Now I err on the side of ease.  How else can I explain eating a cupcake - let alone three cupcakes - at a Christmas party?  How can I explain even considering ordering a burrito?

So, I guess that means that I need to go to Publix and get the things necessary for me to actually accomplish this.  I need to fix the walls and pull the guides back in.  There needs to be a strictness applied again.  Some of those questionable food choices need to be revoked.  Maybe some of those foods that got allowed in because they weren't seen as problems actually are.  Maybe corn products are more of problem than I thought.  I also do still want to add in exercise this year.  I think it is time, as much as it terrifies me. In short, I need to realize that Darth Fatso is not dead.  Just like George Lucas is going to resurrect Darth Maul this Spring in The Clone Wars show, I need to realize Darth Fatso was merely biding his time.  And I must fight again.  I've seen enough movies.  I should have realized that villains never disappear after the first loss.  That why sequels exist.

No Go Fro Yo

Well, things are still just rolling along.  I haven't lost any more weight.  I haven't gained any more weight.  And, since I haven't had much success exercising yet, that is exactly where I will stay for a while.  I have continually tweaked things and tested what would happen if I added foods - lightened up the strictness.  On Thursdays, I have been having lunch with a friend of mine at Buffalo Wild Wings.  The special that day is boneless wings for 60 cents each.  I can get ten of those for six bucks, but for me to get their naked unbreaded tenders it is ten dollars.  I have a hard time paying that, so I have been experimenting with getting the pseudo wings, even though they are breaded.  I'm not very happy doing that, so I will not keep it up - I'm afraid it sets a dangerous precedent.  Once I allow breaded chicken back in, where is the line?  I need a line.

One thing that I allowed in months ago was frozen yogurt.  I was eating yogurt mixed with peanut butter at first.  Then I realized that I could eat frozen yogurt for the same calorie hit.  So it has been a big part of my diet.  It has worked well for me.  I don't feel deprived of all "bad for you" foods.  It also has been a good ending for my day.  I find I don't wander and snack at night if I have frozen yogurt.  Also, it seems to help my stomach.  That was one reason I started eating ice cream at night years ago was that it helped minimize acid reflux.  The frozen yogurt has had the same result.

The problem comes from that I have noticed my helpings of frozen yogurt had grown over the past few months.  At first, I had a small dessert bowl of fro yo.  Then it moved up to half a cereal bowl.  Now it is more than that.  I usually can go through a half gallon in three or four days - depending on the flavor.  (Edy's cappuccino goes faster.)  I had been pretty restrained for a while.  But then there were some days when I had a smaller dinner and justified the larger dessert.  That soon became the norm.

What really bothered me was that the other day I thought about not eating it and started to feel those old feelings of anger at the thought of being deprived of something I liked.  That was when I knew I was in trouble.  It was like when I had been doing so well with keeping my movie obsession under control under The Dark Knight came out.  To fix that, I intentionally didn't see the movie in the theater and didn't watch the DVD until about six months after the movie came out.  It was a way to self-correct the problem.  I realized then and there that I had to do something or the frozen yogurt was going to morph into a new area where I lacked control.  I am NOT going to let any food get the best of me again.  I've had to do this before when I felt certain foods were becoming too important.  I went about a month without BBQ at the first of the year, largely reducing my lunches and dinners to variations of chili and beans/rice.

So I stopped having frozen yogurt on Monday.  The first night, I wanted to go back on the decision.  My only real reason was that I didn't like giving it up - which really showed me I was on the right track.  It was hard that first night.  I ended up making my lemon/blueberry yogurt and added some dried blueberries and crushed up blueberry rice cakes.  It was very good.  Sure, it ended up being about the same calories as the frozen yogurt.  But it did the trick.  Call it hair splitting, but there is a clear difference between regular yogurt and frozen yogurt.  Just go try them both and you'll see.  Last night was a lot easier.  I don't have any fro yo in the house, so there hasn't been temptation to eat it.  I snacked on nuts and dried fruit.  I still need to find a good alternative, but for the interim I can handle it.

I'm not going to ban frozen yogurt forever.  It is a temporary restriction - like my Dark Knight approach. I saw that movie and have watched it several times since then.  But it helped me to get things under control.  I am back to the place where I can miss a movie I really want to see in the theater  and not get upset.  (Netflix helps.  Take Unstoppable.  I really wanted to see it when it was out, but never made it.  So I got it on Netflix the other day.  I wish I had seen it in the theater because it is a BIG movie.  But I saw it eventually - without paying crazy ticket prices.)  After this week, I'll see how I'm doing.  If I feel I have gotten things under control I will probably get some frozen yogurt.  But I am limiting myself to the small dessert bowls again.  If I still feel week, it will go back on the no-no list until I get things straight.

I'll see how all of this goes.  I wouldn't be surprised if I actually lose a few pounds.  Dropping those extra 400 calories a day will probably help me get down to 250 (or below).  This is definitely NOT a weight loss move.  It is to re-establish control for myself.  It really is a neverending battle.

Routine Maintenance

Well, it's been over a month since I have posted anything on this site.  To those of you who have been following this journey, that may have been worrisome for you - thinking that I had derailed and one day would be found passed out in a gutter covered with cheeseburger wrappers.  The good news is that everything is fine.  I have been plugging right along.  Today I got on the scale for the first time in three weeks and I weighed 253.8 - a pound more than the lowest I've been through all of this.  So, things are fine.

The truth is, I've kind of been experimenting with what would happen if I just went about living my life without thinking about this whole thing all the time.  For the past year, the thought of losing weight and controlling food has been near the front of my mind just about every day.  After losing the 100 pounds, my body plateaued.  It is obvious that I won't lose any more weight without either A) cutting my already restrictive diet even more or B) exercising.  I refuse to do the first choice.  The point of all of this was not to create a torturous and unpleasant set of rules to live by.  I was trying to free myself.  So, I am going to have to resort to exercise - something I loathe and still haven't gotten the drive to do yet.  Now that we are emerging from the frigid winter (for Florida), I will probably start.

But, it has been interesting these past two months to see what happens if I try to just live my life with this new set of guidelines.  The truth is, it has been very pleasant.  Sure, there are times where the pinch of my "outlawed foods" makes me miss something.  I still hate having to have cook and serve pizza for the kids.  It is just too tempting.  And I have been craving a burger for about two weeks now.  But, overall, what I have constructed is a very workable way of life for me.  And it is apparently working for my body.  For two months now I have weighed exactly the same.  So, I guess I have found that balance between calories taken and burned.

In doing this, I have loosened some of the restraints to see what happens.  So far, nothing bad has come of it.  Here are some examples of that.

• I have never liked Chinese food.  It is just one of those things that never clicked with me - probably because it didn't have cheese or bread.  Now, though, I have found myself utilizing it in its different forms - Chinese take out, Sarku at the Mall, Cajun Cafe (which is just glorified Chinese food).  And, when I get Chinese food, I usually will get an egg roll.  Yes, it is fried.  But as I looked at it, I realized I never was "addicted" to egg rolls.  So one those rare instances when I get Chinese food, I'll get an egg roll.
• The fried food embargo has not been completely lifted.  Things like chicken tenders, fish sticks, french fries, cheese sticks are still banned.  But I do get non-breaded wings sometimes - mostly at places where that is the only option for me.  And, if we are at a place where fried pickles or onion rings are sold, I usually will get those.  My logic on that is that those experiences are maybe once a month, they have some sort of veggie associated with them, and that it will be hard to start an addiction with something that hard to find.  (The only have fried pickles at two restaurants in Tallahassee, that I know of - Zaxby's and Buffalo Wild Wings.  So I'm pretty safe.)
• We got a free box of truffles at Earth Fare last month.  There were about thirty small truffles in the box.  I never have been a chocolate fanatic like my mom or youngest son.  I like it, but it is far from an uncontrollable food for me.  But I do like truffles.  I have allowed myself to have one truffle a day.  This has worked, since there still are some in the box and it's been three weeks now.  Restraint is the key - something that I have finally learned to some extent.  Chocolate is still on the watch list, but it is not forbidden.  Sometimes there are chocolate chunks in my frozen yogurt.  At the movies (which are very rare), I may get chocolate raisins.  So, it is a controlled relationship.
• Another food I always hated and now love is guacamole.  I actually have found lots of dips that are great for me - salsa, black bean dip, greek yogurt veggie dip.  The problem is finding something to dip into those things.  I have wrestled with this for a while.  I liked chips.  But it was not normal for me to annihilate a whole bag at a sitting.  I remember growing up, my brother would open a bag of Doritos and just inhale the whole thing watching a game.  My Munchos would sit in the cupboard, slowly decreasing for weeks.  But chips are dangerous.  I finally loosened up a little with some restrictions.  At Mexican places, I will allow myself some tortilla chips with the salsa or guac.  At home, I have found Rice Works chips - made from brown rice.  They are awesome and go great with guacamole.  For the Super Bowl party, I had those with Heather's homemade guac.  Yum.

I still only drink water.  During the day, I snack on fruit (bananas and apples, mostly) and nuts.  Sometimes I'll have dried fruit or yogurt covered dried fruit.  For lunch, I usually have leftovers or some kind of meat, bean, rice mixture I have in the fridge.  Breakfast is still just yogurt - although once a week or so I'll toss in some granola for fun.  And I end my day with frozen yogurt.  The structure and routine is important.  And if I don't have an option, I still will decide to eat nothing over cheating.  This happened the other day when we went to Subway for lunch.  Natalie and Heather like Subway and had been missing it.  So we went and I ate later.  At home, if I don't have any meal options, I'll eat another yogurt.  Those are my emergency options.  

[Side Note - if you want to make a really good yogurt dish, get a Chobani lemon yogurt, a Fage Blueberry yogurt, and a handful of granola.  Mix it all together.  It has like 23 grams of protein and around 300 calories.  Really carries you over for even dinner.]

So, all told, I am maintaining and living.  I will never say the food issues are conquered.  If I was to go eat a donut right now, I have no clue if I could stop.  So, those things are going to be off limits for a long time.  I just can't risk it.  But I feel confident that I can keep this approach to food going.  I am happy and enjoying it.  I feel good about how I look.  I regularly wear XLT shirts now - and some of those are big. I even was able to button some LT shirts, but they would spread open too much if I tried to sit down.  So, if I don't post often, it isn't because I failed or am ashamed.  There just isn't a lot to say right now.  But, once the exercising starts, I'll be back on here again to document that struggle.  

Hollow Day

I just finished reading Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins.  I would understand if you assumed that it was a food related book, since I am mentioning it on this site and it has a GREAT name for such a thing.  But it actually had nothing to do with that.  (It's a young adult thriller about a dystopian society.  Good book.)  There is a lot of food references in it.  But it mainly is to show the differences between areas of the society. The main character often thinks about food, because it is one of the elements she needs to survive - which is frequently not guaranteed.

Anyway, in the course of the story, the girl talked about how one day was a "hollow day."  That was a day where, no matter how much you ate, you just still felt hungry.  It didn't happen often, but it did happen once in a while.  In her case, days like that were a big problem because they didn't have much food.  So hollow days were a big inconvenience.  Have you ever had a day like that?  I'm not talking about a day of the munchies caused by boredom or some, um, chemical introduced into your system.  That isn't really the same thing.  This is a day where you just feel hungry all day.  It doesn't matter what you do, your stomach growls and complains.

Today has actually been one of those days for me.  I ate my usual breakfast - a Fage blueberry Greek yogurt and a handful of cashews.  A little later, still feeling hungry, I had a banana.  Then I had some more cashews.  About an hour later, I had an apple.  By 11:00, though, I was ravenous.  I don't mean bored.  I don't mean a little hungry.  I meant, my stomach was hurting and growling.  I was starting to feel a little ill. It made no sense.  I managed to put off eating lunch until I picked Heather up at 12:30.  We had Panera and I had a BBQ chicken salad and cup of chili.  By the time I got home, I felt like I hadn't eaten at all.  So I had another Fage yogurt.  It didn't help much.  I've been doing my best to avoid the kitchen, only grabbing a few cashews here and there.

Hollow days are hard.  I think everyone has them.  To a person who isn't watching their weight (or who doesn't need to), it can be a minor inconvenience.  But it is manageable.  Sneak a candy bar here; eat a bag of chips there.  But, to a person who is trying to be careful with their food decisions, a hollow day can be catastrophic.  How do you fight it off?  There aren't that many foods that can actually be snarfed down without consequence.  Nuts have a lot of calories.  Chips, crackers, mini rice cakes all have their share of calories and carbs.  Even fruit packs a wallop of sugar.

The problem is that it is easy to find something destructive when you are trying to get rid of that edge.  I can walk into the pantry right now and grab a bag of Goldfish crackers, a handful of cookies, a pack of peanut butter crackers.  Those would all help my hunger - for a while.  But they would hurt me in the long run.  And, even worse, it would make me feel like a failure.  That would almost secure a real mistake at a later meal.  I remember many times where snacking and picking all day would leave me so upset by dinner that I would just forget my usual game plan and go off the deep end.  Fortunately, that is not really an option any longer.  But the feeling of a hollow day is certainly still unsettling.

The human body is strange.  What we actually need each day is different.  There are some days where we could get by with just a small meal here or there.  And then there are those days when it is like our body is calling out for more than we think is healthy.  I remember having one of these hollow days a few months back.  I was sure that I had done a number on my weight loss.  But the next day was one of my weigh in days and I had lost two pounds.  That is one of those cases where we need to actually learn to listen to our bodies and learn what it is asking for.  And then we need to answer it.  Is it actually thirsty and not hungry?  Is it just needing more calories that day for some reason?  If our body is asking, I don't think it is bad to answer that - even if it is outside of our pre-ordained diet plan.  The trick is to know when it is really necessary.  When is that just boredom?  When is it our body trying to trick us into getting more sugar or carbs?  That is an important and difficult lesson.  In the mean time, I need to try to manage the hollow days so that they don't end up being a pitfall instead.

Plateau

I remember when I was in school and learned about what a plateau was.  It was a raised area that was higher in sea level than the surrounding area, but it was level on top.  I always saw it in my head as a mountain that was cut off at the knees.  And it was always in a desert - and red.  I don't know why I see it that way.  It may be because of the pictures in those early books that taught me about it.  Whatever the reason, a plateau seemed like a horrible land feature - almost as bad as a savannah.  Boring and depressing. Not exciting like a mountain, dry, desolate, like a big wart.

This post is for all those people who think that my weight loss efforts have been non-stop successes.  You may be surprised, but I hear that frequently.  People will start a weight loss process, and then look at me and get depressed when they don't lose tons of weight.  When I had that huge drop back during the holidays, numerous people told me they were frustrated.  Well, now it is my turn.

Back before Christmas, I had dropped all the way to 253.  Last week, I weighed 258.  I finally got back down to 254 on Monday, only to be back up at 255 on Tuesday.  (This was after having a bad stomach day and, uh, "using the facilities" six times in 24 hours.)  It has been six weeks of floating around the same weight - and even going up.  There is no good reason.  I have been back home most of that time, eating like I had been eating back in early November.  I was on a routine.  I was drinking fewer Starbucks lattes.  I should have been going back down the weight ladder.  But I went up.  I have no idea why.

I know this happens with weight loss.  I have been waiting for it to happen.  All I hoped for was that I could hit 100 pounds before it happened - which I did.  I really have gone as far as possible with just food changes.  I have to do one of two things - restrict my diet further or start exercising.  As far as the first option goes, I do NOT want to restrict my diet more.  I have gotten into an easy to maintain routine.  This is a good thing.  I know what I can and can't eat.  I like my choices.  It is something I can continue for the long term.  I have made some minor changes, like eating less BBQ and trying to eat more fruit and veggies.  For example, I will make sure I have a couple bananas and an apple every day in between meals, to up my intake.  I try to not have a meal without some kind of plant generated item.  I am really honestly not willing to trim things further.  Some people may take issue with that.  But when so much has already been cut, it is hard to imagine cutting into the few options I have.

The second option is to begin exercising.  I know that I need to do this.  But I just have not gotten the drive to start.  I remember when I began this journey last year, the food stuff like clicked - like a switch had flipped.  I was ready and committed.  There was no wavering.  I didn't come up with excuses to cheat.  I just did it and that's that.  But with exercise, sheesh.  It is like I come up with every single reason possible to not start.

It is too cold.  That is my biggest excuse right now.  It is a true statement, to be sure.  We rarely have a day that the wakey time temperature is above 40.  And even those days usually are rainy with a new front moving into the area.  Exercising in the cold is a pretty lousy experience.  (Understand, that my definition of exercise at this point is basically walking.)  This is combined by the fact that...

I don't have the right clothing for this (another excuse).  I don't have long pants for exercising - I have jeans and a couple pairs of khakis.  The only workout pants I have fall down no matter how tight I tie them.  And I don't want to spend money on any new stuff - because I don't really want to work out.

I don't have access to a gym.  People will usually respond to my climate excuses with "well go to the gym."  I am not going to buy a gym membership.  I've done that before.  Until I have some commitment that is like pouring money into a furnace.  Plus, the only one close is the YMCA - and a pretty lame one at that.  Our apartment complex has a workout center.  But it seems to have its hours modeled after Major Major from Catch-22.  It's only open when you can't go.  They don't open it until after most people would have left for work and it closes before the kids go to bed.  I can't take Gabe because the only place to put him is this little tiny alcove with a lame gate he could just open and walk out from.  Now, I could go on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday when Gabe is at preschool.  But I usually have more important things to do - like nap and play on Facebook.

The kids won't cooperate.  We have a Wii and Wii Fit and a Wii Balance Board.  I used it for a while.  But now, it seems like I just don't see that as an option.  I don't know why.  I used to use it when Gabey was going to bed.  The big kids would watch me.  Now, Gabe's routine has changed, we have gymnastics on Tuesday and Thursday, and the house seems to have more toys in the way.  I'm sure I could still use the Wii.  But the tiniest excuse not to always seems to derail me.

I hurt too much.  My rheumatoid arthritis has been flared up for the past six months or so.  But, the meds I am on actually seem to be working pretty well.  Of course, it is a convenient excuse when my neck or knee are acting up.  I couldn't possibly work through that.  (Even though exercise is supposed to be something good for RA.)

Basically, I am stuck in neutral.  The food stuff is going fine.  But I just don't seem to have the desire to start the exercise.  Part of it is that I have come so far.  It's not like I have to exercise to save my life or anything.  It is to get the last chunk off.  I just hate exercise.  I'm not one of those people who gets a thrill by running or lifting weight.  I get a thrill by killing animated pigs with catapulted birds.  I get a thrill by watching Burn Notice or White Collar.  I'm a stagnant person.  This is not a new development.  My brother used to try to get me to play outside with him.  As I got older, it got harder and harder for him to do it.  I don't like it.

People will say, "You just got to do it.  Just get up and do it."  It's funny, though.  That is the same thing they said about the food changes - and that advice never worked with that either.  It isn't as easy as just standing up and saying, "Today I'm going to force myself to do this."  Or maybe it is.  I haven't found the answer yet.  I'm not giving up.  I just have tried to be honest on this blog about my process.  And right now, my process is in stasis and is being held up by my lack of motivation to engage in physical activity.  Really, until I do that, I'm stuck on that desert wart.

One Year Update

I really can't believe that it has been a whole year.  Last MLK weekend, for some reason, things finally clicked and decided to do something about my weight and food issues.  It has been a long journey.  It has not been easy.  But, quite honestly, it has been a lot easier and quick than I thought.  First, let me throw up the numbers that I know everyone thirsts for.

2010
355 pounds
4XLT Shirts
50" waist
Hole 1 of bigger belt

2011
255 pounds
XLT Shirts
38" waist
Hole 9 of smaller belt

Yes, things fluctuate all the time.  I was down to 253 about ten days ago.  Then I was back up 258 after traveling and driving all weekend.  But most of the last month I have been at 255.  The fluctuations are annoying - and one of those frustrations that have derailed me in the past.  (And they also are the most disheartening things with my friends who are working on their weight and food right now.)  You can do everything right and take in too much salt and then drift up a couple pounds right at weigh-in time.  Then, with no warning, you'll drop four pounds in a week.  Fluctuations stink.

But this post is not about complaining.  It is a celebration.  That is how I have viewed this past weekend.  On Friday night, we had our Tallahassee friends over for a Tex-Mex fiesta to celebrate the one year anniversary.  It felt appropriate.  Weight loss and dieting is such a solitary thing - most of the time.  That is how I had always approached it.  You are fighting alone, looking at all the fun everyone else is having.  This time, though, I did something different.  I involved my friends and family from the very beginning.  The first thing I did was send an email out to a core group of supporters to ask for prayer.  That email is one of the first posts on this blog.  Speaking of this blog, it was another way to bring supporters into the process.  I was journaling my journey - working through issues and struggles.  I also posted monthly updates on Facebook.  This brought accountability.  I wasn't alone.  That brought comfort, in the fact that I had people to turn to.  But it also kept me going, because I didn't want to have to admit to bunch of people I had binged on fried cheese.

There is no way I could have done this without all the people around me.  I can't even explain the feeling in knowing that fifty or sixty people were reading this blog after every Facebook update.  It made me feel good - like a jolt of energy to keep me on track.  Every email, blog comment, Facebook status comment was another push in the right direction.  Every time I saw someone who gushed about how good I looked, it just made me more driven.  Those things are so important to a person making a life change.  They need to know other people are proud of them and rooting for them.

It went beyond just edification.  My friends and family went overboard to make sure I succeeded.  "I want to make sure you have what you need to eat."  I heard that every time I was staying at someone's house.  Most people don't have Fage brand cherry Greek yogurt in their fridge.  My friends and family members do every time I'm in town.  The average family doesn't cook chicken breast at a kiddie birthday party.  They don't have frozen yogurt in their fridge or big jars of cashews in their cupboard.  My friends do.  My friends make two stops when picking up food - one at McDonalds or Chick-Fil-A and one at a BBQ place for me.  My friends and family forego going to Olive Garden and Carrabbas when I'm around.  They put up with Mexican food a lot.  And LOTS of BBQ.  They eat at Boston Market.  They ask before they bake things if I can handle it.  They make extra sides at dinners so there are things for me to eat.  For all those people who wonder how I did this - that's how.  I had an army of people making sure I didn't fail.  They didn't want to be the one that tripped me up.  And they saw it as them participating in it.  When I won, they won.  And THAT is something I never saw coming.  I was prepared to go through this alone and hungry.  And that never happened.  Even if I started to feel that way, my kids would say something about my diet or brag on me to their teacher and I remembered I was NOT alone.

People ask me all the time how I feel.  The biggest word I can use to describe how I feel now is FREE.  I am free from having to make bad choices.  I really understand freedom now.  It isn't being able to do whatever you want.  It is not having to do certain things.  I don't have to order cheeseburgers when I go to a restaurant.  I don't have to stick with the all-fried appetizer combo.  I don't have to drink soda to be satisfied.  I don't have to stop at McDonald's for breakfast.  This past weekend, we went to a party for a friend's little girl.  There was pizza and cupcakes and soda.  Yes, there was a twinge of disappointment.  But there was not even one split second that I considered partaking.  I looked at the food options and just knew that I would have to stop at Huey Magoo's on the way back to the hotel.  In years past - even in diets past - I would have taken the hit and tried to get past it later.  Not this time.  I didn't even think about it.  I was free.

I'm freer in my clothing choices.  I'm not limited to the three button colored short sleeve shirt any more.  I wear straight leg jeans instead of loose fit.  I buy shirts at Target instead of Casual Male.  I am free of those hateful beliefs about myself.  I see myself differently.  It is an unbelievable feeling.  As any American should know, freedom is an intoxicating feeling.  Actually, more Americans take it for granted.  The people who realize that are those who move here from a place where freedom is only a dream.  The same goes for someone who beats an addiction.  Only a former prisoner can truly appreciate being free.  I was that prisoner.  I was trapped in solitary confinement in a prison of my construction made of walls of donuts and pizza crust, with a moat of Mountain Dew.  Now I am free, surrounded by people who love me - and who will get to love me for a longer period of time, since I won't die from my stupid food choices.  And it is the greatest feeling in the world.  I wouldn't say Darth Fatso is dead yet.  But he is well on is way.  Thank you all for being there for me during this.

In My Sleevies

One of the more exciting and frustrating parts of this whole weight loss process is having to get new clothes.  On one hand, it is fun to get new clothes.  I don't know too many people who are down on that.  "Boo!  I want my old ratty clothes.  I don't want new stuff!"  Sure, my kids do that, but they are insane.  So the concept of "new clothes" is not the problem.  Neither is the exhilaration of trying on something in a size that used to be something you wore to recreate Chris Farley's "Fat guy in a little coat" scene from Tommy Boy and actually having it fit.  That rocks.

The frustrating thing is having to figure out the inconsistent stupid sizing methods at stores.  Why is there not a uniform sizing system?  Isn't this somewhere the government should step in?  I mean, there is a globally accepted system of weights and measures.  "A pound's a pound the world around."  Right?  Imagine the uproar if companies could decide what a cup or an ounce was.  One pound bag of flour is bigger than another.  Ridiculous.  Even worse - what if Starbucks decided their 12 ounce cup would be smaller than everyone else's.  UPROAR!!!  Clothes should be subject to this too.  I mean, they are measuring the amount of human that fits into the pants, right?   Unify that junk.

Old Navy is like the perfect example of this mind-bending sizing process.  I wear 38 inch waist, 30 inch inseam straight leg jeans there.  They fit perfect.  But, if I try to put on a 38/30 pair of cargo pants or khakis, they don't fit.  The employees there have told me it is because they have different factories making the different pants.  Uh, does that mean the different factories have different size tape measures?  That's no excuse.  But it isn't just their pants, either.  Their shirts are the worst.  Their 2XL shirts are probably the equivalent of a small XL somewhere else.  It is like everything there is sized down one letter.

Shirts are a big frustration to me.  Back in the day, when I was turning into a human Macy's Thanksgiving Day Balloon,  ("And now the Darth Fatso balloon is drifting down the boulevard.  The amazing thing, Al, is that this balloon is actually 10 percent LARGER than last year.")  I would just get whatever I could hide my body in.  And since I was usually shopping in Fat and Tall stores, the sleeves were rarely an issue.  The stores were used to seeing people with orangutan arms.  They accommodate that.  No such luck any longer.  I guess companies, as they move shirts sizes upward, also move sleeve lengths up.  Heather got me a 4XL long-sleeved UCF shirt two years ago for Christmas.  If I didn't pull the sleeves up, they would hang past my hands.  The same was true for my Apple Store long sleeve shirt - the sleeves hang to my fingertips.

When I ordered some 2XL long sleeve FSU Med School shirts a few months back, the sleeves are about two inches up my arm.  When I got measured at Men's Wearhouse in December, they reiterated the fact that I have longer arms than average for my size.  I guess I never really noticed because I was too busy worrying about the gigantic gut.  Now, though, I realize that my measurements lead to a nightmare of shopping.  My inseam is the same as my father-in-law's - who is six-seven inches shorter than me.  So I have very short legs.  I have a long torso, which means I have to get the next size up shirt - or always shop at a Big/Tall shop.  Case in point... At Target, I found some nice long sleeve flannel shirts.  (Always have been a sucker for plaid flannel shirts.  I think I was supposed to be a lumberjack.)  The 2XL shirts have a great sleeve length and are long enough, but they really are too wide.  I can button and wear the XL shirts, but they have the bare midriff look that is so hot right now.

So I have broad shoulders, a little bit of a stomach (still, yes), a very long torso, gorilla arms, normal waist, and tiny legs.  My measurements don't exactly make things easy.  But it certainly is compounded by the inconsistent sizes out there.  In the recent past, I have fit into an XLT vest, 2XL shirts, 2XLT shirts, and 3XL shirts (won't buy those, no way).  I also have fit into 38/30, 40/30, 42/30, and 46/30 pants.  Of course, as they say, it's a nice problem to have.  I just wish I knew what size I actually am.

Nothing for Thanksgiving

I watched a lot of football this past Thanksgiving weekend.  A LOT of football.  One of the things about football is that while you may see the big highlights on ESPN, there are dozens of small plays that really determine the outcome of the game.  It may be a dive over tackle on a third and one that keeps the play going.  It could be a receiver stretching out for an extra yard.  Or a linebacker stopping a running back from going out of bounds - keeping the clock running.  The games are usually won and lost on those small plays.  The big ones may get the attention.  But the small ones make the difference.

I was stressing a bit about Thanksgiving.  It is probably the worst four or five days of the year for dieters.  Sure, there are bad individual days out there.  But Thanksgiving has basically become a holiday about eating.  And it lasts the whole weekend.  Thursday is the big day to stuff yourself.  But the leftovers last all weekend.  Pies hang around to be snarfed.  Everyone's reheating all the stuff you aren't supposed to eat.  So it is a ton of consistent fighting off trouble.

When I weighed last Monday, I was 260.2.  That marked 95 pounds and put me within shooting distance of hitting 100 by my one year mark.  Today, after all the holidays, travelling, overeating, I weighed 260.2.  I actually raised my arms to the ceiling and cheered.  It was one of those small plays that won't make the highlight reel.  But it was huge to me.  I managed to make it through the whole weekend and not gain anything.  Even with all the travelling - which usually makes me retain water - and eating out on the road yesterday, I was still the same.  

That was a massive victory for me.  I didn't sit there all weekend and refuse to eat anything.  I ate quite well.  We grilled chicken and sausages on Wednesday with baked beans, peppers, roasted sweet potatoes, and roasted regular potatoes.  We had pumpkin oatmeal for breakfast.  Thursday, I had ham, turkey, pumpkin risotto, cranberry conserve, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole.  We had grilled food again on Friday.  I had leftovers here and there.  Saturday I had a Mexican rice bowl I made with guacamole, chicken, steak, beans, salsa, and rice.  We even ate at McAllister's Deli - twice.  In short, I ate more than my share of good yummy stuff.

I had to forego some stuff.  I avoided the mashed potatoes, corn casserole, dressing, chips, pizza, pies, cookies, cheeseburgers, more pies, and cheese that other people ate.  And I had frozen yogurt when everyone else was diving into baked goods.  But I really enjoyed myself.  And I gained nothing.  Plus zero, minus zero.  But it felt like a major win.  It certainly gives me hope for the month of December and the mine field it presents.  And it also gives me more encouragement to work hard these next three weeks before the madness really begins.  I figure I could really make some progress in that time.  If I was able to make it through Thanksgiving without any damage, I am sure the next three weeks at home should be easier to maintain.

On other thing.  I posted this on Facebook the other day, but I'll put it here too.  This picture was taken last Thanksgiving at our family get together.

When I found that, I could hardly believe it.  How did I let myself get to that point?  What I posted on Facebook is true.  Every year at Thanksgiving, I thank God for my family, friends, and freedom.  But this year, I am the most thankful that I finally allowed God to free me of being the guy in that chair.

WEEK 44: Prepping for the Gauntlet

First, the dirty details.  I am at 260.2 pounds.  That is about a 2.5 pound drop from last checkin.  Of course, that all happened in the last week.  For most of this cycle, I actually had been up a couple pounds.  Friday was the first drop I saw, and then it went down a little on Monday as well.  I just bought a few warmer shirts for the winter.  I was very comfortably in XLT shirts.  If I don't have the tall option, XXL works - but the length is hit or miss.  I went to American Eagle the other day just to see what happened.  There were several clearance XXL shirts that I loved.  They fit great - when I was standing.  But they spread when I sat.  And they were a little too short.  This is the problem with stores like Gap, Old Navy, AE, A&F.  They use a smaller sizing system than they used to - and smaller than other companies.  A XXL at Old Navy may be equal to a XL at Sears.  Kind of frustrating.  That usually means I'm still stuck in the Big and Tall section and their limited options.  Oh well, I can't get shorter.

We have a night wedding this December to go to.  Since it is customary to dress nicer for those, I tried on my suit.  This is the same suit that I had to get altered to be able to wear it to Heather's gala in April.  It was ridiculous.  The shirt was billowing.  I had to pull the pants up to my chest to have them stay up.  The jacket wasn't bad, but you could tell it was too big.  I had lost like 45 pounds since April!  So I'm not sure what to do about that.  I don't know if it can get taken in as much as it needs.  If not, I may have to find a suit deal.  And then hope it still fits come April for this year's gala.

So far, the grand total is 95 pounds.  I really have wanted to lose 100 by the end of the year, but I'm not sure if that will happen or not.  At the rate I've been losing, five pounds in six weeks is a pretty tall order.  I haven't seen that kind of drop in months.  Technically, I don't hit the one year mark until January 18.  So if I don't hit 255 by December 31, if I can do it by January 18 I will be happy.  I really believe that this is the worst time of year to try to lose weight.  It is like a perfect storm of diet crushing.  There is travel, staying at other people's houses, losing your safe routine of foods and restaurants, baked goods, holiday feasts.  It is a real challenge.

For me, this is my favorite time of year.  All year I look forward to Thanksgiving week through New Year's.  It just makes me happy.  I love seeing family, getting presents, eating holiday food, getting presents, the cooler weather, getting presents, the general feeling and excitement of the season, getting presents, and - of course - getting presents.  The food is a very big part of the holiday.  Shoot, in America we almost define these holidays by what is served.  Thanksgiving has become Turkey Day.  There's the Christmas Ham or Roast Beast and Christmas Cookies.  New Year's comes with copious alcohol and buffet spreads - or more ham.

I loved this in year's past.  It seemed like all my favorite foods were located in this season.  Pumpkin stuff, pies galore, turkey, cranberries, ham, cookies, holiday breads, pecan pickups, sour cream cookies, chocolate cool whip cookies, shortbread.  Snacking was accepted.  No one got on your case when you wander through the kitchen and snag a couple cookies.  In fact, if you didn't eat those things, people wondered what was wrong with you.  What other time of year is is perfectly acceptable to give people a plate of food as a present?!?  I remember working at churches and the staff area was always jammed with snacks the entire month of December.  As a teacher, I would get a ton of baked goods.  And then there are the Christmas parties.  We haven't been to those since we moved, but before that it seemed there were several each year.  Those were just a green light to snarf snacks of all kinds.  It was awesome.  Food and holidays go hand in hand.

This year, I now stand at a kind of gauntlet.  I have made it through ten months.  So far, every holiday or celebration I was worried about has been conquered.  I've survived traveling, cookouts, birthdays, Halloween, Easter.  And I haven't cheated with any of my no-no foods.  The next six weeks is going to be the biggest challenge.  I don't think that I will cheat - I have too much invested in this.  It is just going to be hard to watch and know what I'm missing.  I don't think the cheating is the question.  It is the mental struggle.

For example, at our house Friday night is often pizza night.  We either get pizza or make it and watch tv. It is a nice little ritual.  But I haven't been able to participate for ten months.  Usually it isn't a big deal.  There is no way I am eating the pizza.  But there are times when it is very very hard.  I have to go get the pizza or prepare it.  Then I have to cut it and dole it out.  And the whole time I can't have it.  I have to smell it, touch it, watch people eat it.  And then I go to my bowl of leftover beans and rice and whatever meat wandered into it.  It isn't easy.  People don't remember that.

That's what I'm worried about for the holidays.  We have Thanksgiving, a wedding in South Carolina, Heather's birthday, Natalie's birthday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Day.  All of those bring with it their own collection of problem foods.  But then there is also the constant presence of the holiday accessories.  Usually if I am facing a tough challenge, once it is over I can just move on.  With this, it doesn't end.  It is just a continuing string of those days.  I know it isn't possible to expect everyone else to forego their holiday celebrations because of me.  So I am going to have to steel myself.

Josiah will come up to me on pizza night or at the movies and ask me if I am sad that I can't have the food or the candy or soda.  I will usually respond with this.  "For most of my life I never told myself no.  I enjoyed those things enough in my first 36 years to last me the rest of my life."  That goes for holidays too.  I have had more than my share of good times on those days.  I have eaten pies, cookies, candies, sausage balls, mashed potatoes, and holiday bread enough to last a lifetime.  Now is the time to do it right - to be controlled.  Yes, it is hard missing out on things.  But I never did before - I never said no.  It is time I learned that.

Be praying for me this holiday season - and for all those people close to you with weight problems.  Understand just how hard it is for them.  Every tray of baked goods that comes into the office, every party, every gift exchange.  They all are stressful.  Each one comes with the battle.  Each time they give in they get crushed with guilt and shame and anger.  And that just makes the process worse later.  I know it is impossible to change the holiday.  People are not going to go for a celery swap any time soon.  But maybe you can be an encouragement to those people who struggle during this season.  Be sensitive to them and find a way to include them - without making it super obvious.  "HEY FATTY!  I brought salad for you!!!"  Not what I meant.  Just be thoughtful.  And if you don't struggle, well there is something else to be thankful for on Thursday.

Twinkie Diet

There has been quite a bit of press given to Mark Haub recently.  He is a professor of human nutrition at Kansas State and recently has been running a bizarre experiment.  (To read all about it, here is the story on CNN.)  He wanted to see if he could lose weight by eating a "convenience store diet."  Basically, he was eating stuff like Twinkies, brownies, Little Debbies, and Doritos and trying to lose weight - just by limiting how much of those things he ate.  The crazy thing is that it worked.  He lost 27 pounds.  It wasn't just the weight loss, either.  He also saw improvements in all his blood tests - cholesterol, body fat, everything.

Now, due to the bizarre nature of the trial, it has gained a lot of attention.  And, with that, there is going to be more ammunition for people who are struggling with weight to show they aren't doing anything wrong. It also will probably lead to numerous misguided efforts by people desperate to lose weight.  There are some important lessons to be learned from this experiment - and none of them are "go eat twinkies."

First of all, look at what he ate.  He had a very limited caloric content.  He took vitamins.  He also ate cans of green beans.  Basically, he eliminated meat and bread and put snack foods in the place of those foods.  Instead of having chicken, rice, and veggies, his dinner would be twinkie, brownie, and veggies.  So, this wasn't eating meals PLUS twinkies.  Twinkies were his meals.

Second, the thing he was trying to prove was that in losing weight, it is a matter of controlling calories more than what you eat.  This is entirely true.  From all of my years of efforts to lose weight, I can verify that calorie control can definitely make you lose weight.  On Weight Watchers, I was able to lose fifty pounds in four months due to being very regimented on their point system.  I rarely went over my allotted calories.  I was very restrictive with things like breakfast (grits or oatmeal) and snacks (fruit).  That way I could be a little flexible with lunch and dinner.  By flexible, I mean that I still found ways to eat pizza, cheeseburgers, cookies.  You could work those into the structure.  So, on the surface that theory is sound - limit calories and lose weight.

BUT!!!  (You knew it was coming.)  For me, and I would wager for most people, that did nothing to break the addictions that were actually behind my struggles.  There were certain foods that I couldn't say no to.  And as long as I could still find ways to have those foods, I never would really have victory.  If there was still a way to work those things into my diet, I found a way.  With Weight Watchers, for example, I would have my grits in the morning (4 points), a banana for snack (2 points), and then a salad for lunch (5-7 points).  That would leave me 24 points for dinner.  That approximately is 1200 calories for dinner!  You can get away with a lot for 1200 calories.  Double cheeseburgers.  Soda.  Pizza.  Was I really learning to eat right?  Or was I just learning how to rig the system.  For me, I couldn't maintain the loss.  That is why we see so many people yo-yo on diets like Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers.  They market themselves as "able to eat whatever you want" diets.  So you never learn to break dependence on those foods.

Who would be attracted to the concept of a Twinkie Diet?  Probably someone who has a strong affinity to sweets and baked goods.  Would that person really be successful in this?  Sure, they may lose weight like Professor Haub did.  They may even keep it up for months.  But, I think at some point they would tire of eating Ding Dongs and want other food.  And that is where Haub's diet has a big problem.  If you were to try to add in even healthy food, you go over your limits.  The whole thought of "I think I'll have an apple - that's healthy" would actually hurt you.  The calories in fruit would throw you off.  Not good.

The third thing to learn - which I think is a valuable lesson - is that there is indeed freedom in how you attack your weight issues.  I know that my approach is something that would not work for everyone.  And there are people who don't think I'm doing things right.  "BBQ?  That's not healthy!  Frozen yogurt?  That's just splitting hairs about ice cream."  But, for me, I have lost 93 pounds.  More importantly, I have maintained the loss and the lifestyle for ten months.  Why?  I have eliminated the addictive foods.  I'm not trying to figure out how to work those things back in.  I found better options and use those.  I'm not measuring and religiously monitoring calories.  But, by the very elimination of those fatty, starchy, high calorie foods that used to make up the bulk of my diet, I have greatly reduced my caloric intake.  For months, I was only taking in 1200-1400 calories a day.  Now, I usually am taking in about 1800 calories.

I think that what Haub was trying to prove is that you don't have to just eat lettuce and boiled chicken to lose weight.  The true issue is control.  Can you be controlled in your food intake?  Haub was controlled - very regimented on his exact daily diet.  He just happened to use junk food as his controlled food options.  The problem is that the media is going to seize onto the sensational elements of the experiment. The headline is always "Man loses 27 pounds on twinkie diet."  That gets you to click on the article (I did).  I'm afraid that some people are actually going to try this and get into worse trouble.  Instead of finding the control they need, they are actually going to further unleash their addictions.  Unless they just get nauseated by sheer quantity of Twinkies.  Maybe it could be like immersion therapy.

Coffee

One food that is a bit of an unclear area to me is coffee.  I know some people are major big time coffee addicts.  You know the type.  "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee!"  I am NOT this time of person.  I have never drank very much coffee.  It never was a part of my daily life.  This may seem odd, since I usually gravitate towards addictive and destructive foods.  But, for some reason, I never really got that attached to coffee.  My dad drank it every morning and during the evenings.  But I never did.

The really strange thing is that I love the flavor of coffee.  I adore the smell of coffee.  From when I was a little kid, one of my favorite ice cream types was coffee.  Breyer's coffee ice cream was the epitome of ice cream perfection.  I got waylaid by Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch for a while, but eventually went back to Breyer's.  (Until Publix introduced their Barnie's coffee - which was just as good as Breyer's and much less money.)  My mom used to make me coffee chocolate chip cookies.  I ate chocolate covered coffee beans.  I got jamocha shakes at Arby's.  I like mocha truffles.  If you got me something coffee flavored, there was a very good chance that I would like it.

So my lack of addiction to coffee itself is a bit of mystery.  I have tried to figure this out over the years.  I know that I don't like the bitterness that comes with coffee.  I like the flavor, but the bitterness pushed me away.  The only way I could get rid of it was to load it full of milk and sugar.  And that could be why I like coffee flavored things so much - they used the essence of coffee but loaded it with sugar and cream and chocolate.  As I got older and discovered other kinds of coffee, I liked some of them.  Things like cappuccinos, lattes, and mochas were very good - largely due to their cream/sugar content.  But, since I hadn't developed the coffee habit early on, I didn't adopt it later.

Another big problem is the fact that I live in Florida.  It is freaking hot here.  All. The. Time.  I don't find it very pleasant to be sitting in 95 degree heat, suffering through 95% humidity, and then pour boiling hot coffee down my throat.  During the milder winter months, it is a pleasant thing.  I love being out in the evening in December with a hot chocolate or coffee drink.  But, we are talking about a very small percent of the time that this can be pulled off.  It is a niche product.

So, when it comes to my current weight efforts, coffee was a non-player.  Soda?  Oh hecks yeah.  That was a big deal.  But coffee didn't even come into play.  I had to give up coffee ice cream, but can usually find coffee frozen yogurt somewhere if the urge strikes me.

So, why even bother with this post?  Well, it is actually because I have been wondering about adding coffee to my life.  Here's my conflicting thoughts on that idea.  First of all, when I gave up soda, I lost caffeine.  I don't have any caffeine any more.  That is good, I feel.  There is not really a good reason to try to add caffeine into my life now that I have kicked it.  So that has kept me from drinking coffee.  BUT, at the same time, with Gabers going to preschool now, we have to leave earlier and there are times when I am just dead tired.  It would be nice to have a caffeine option on those bad days.  I don't want to get into caffeine hardcore again, because I don't think it is good to do that.  BUT, Heather has said there are no studies that show a little caffeine is bad.  A responsible level of coffee consumption is not harmful.

Second, one of the flavors of the season I love is pumpkin.  Starbucks' pumpkin spice drinks are awesome.  I usually would get the pumpkin cream frappuccino, but those are just glorified milkshakes.  I have tried to stay away from the pumpkin flavored stuff since they usually come packaged in pastries or sugar laden drinks.  BUT, there are some ways to get that flavor profile in a (relatively) harmless manner.  Is that wrong?

The other day, we were driving back from Orlando.  Well, I was driving.  The kids were in the back doing their thing and Heather was studying/napping in the front seat.  I was exhausted from the weekend - driving, sick kids, 2am breathing treatments.  So we stopped at a gas station in Gainesville and I decided to get a coffee.  They had pumpkin spice cappuccinos - so I got one.  It had the steamed milk in it, and I added three splenda.  The smell was heavenly.  And it tasted great - plus it had a little jolt to help me driving the rest of the way.  I had wrestled with my decision to get the drink for literally an hour and a half.  I felt guilty buying it.  For some reason, I just kept thinking I was doing something wrong.  But I analyzed what I actually had in the cup.  It was coffee, some flavoring, milk, and fake sugar.  Where exactly is the problem?  I didn't put whipped cream or caramel or sugar in it.

On Friday, we had a full roster of school activities for all three kids.  But there were gaps between our events.  We had a half hour in between dropping the kids off and Gabe's parade starting.  So we went to Starbucks.  I got a pumpkin spice latte.  I put three splenda in it - although they did unknowingly put whipped cream on it.  It was, again, really good.  I finally came to the place where I decided I wasn't going to feel guilty about drinking it.  It isn't something that I am going to drink all the time.  But it is something that I will drink occasionally, when the opportunity arises.  As the weather gets cooler here, it will be nice to be able to have that drink.  Plus, it gives me a chance to have the flavors of the winter that I really like - pumpkin, peppermint - without eating stuff I shouldn't have.  Now THAT'S a backwards concept for you.  A 36 year old man starting a coffee habit to get healthier.  Ha!

WEEK FORTY: Old Friend, New Sacrifices

Here's the basics.  After forty weeks, I weight 262.  That's a loss of 93 pounds so far.  I am pretty solid as a 38" waist.  My 42s that I bought early on are starting to fall down pretty bad unless they are cinched up with the belt.  When I lost the first chunk of weight at the beginning, I bought a belt at Target.  It has holes all the way around the belt.  My thought was that I would be able to keep this belt through the whole process - as a way to monitor progress and a way to save money.  I started on hole 1 when I bought the belt (this was after going through several holes on my previous belt).  This week I actually buckled the new belt on hole 9.  That would be where I was wearing it if I weren't tucking in my shirt and containing extra fabric on my loose pants.

I haven't been posting much, as I've said the last few months.  There just hasn't been a ton to report.  Things are moving along.  The weight is coming off much slower - only three pounds in the past four weeks.  I really need to start working out to get it going again.  But the thought of that is not too pleasant.  Part of it is that I hate exercise.  Part of it is that my rheumatoid arthritis is getting to be very painful.  Walking is not my friend most of the time.  I am supposed to be starting on some medicine soon for the RA.  Hopefully that will make things easier for me physically.

The doctor's visit I mentioned in my last monthly update finally yielded my blood test results.  Everything looked good - except for the raging rheumatoid factor.  Years ago when I first was diagnosed with RA, one of the things that threw off my treatment was that I had an elevated ALT liver enzyme.  It was "mildly" inflated, but enough that doctors were worried that I had liver damage already - and that the RA treatments would further hurt it.  The liver enzyme could also have been attributed to damage, alcohol (never had any, so that wasn't it), or fatty liver.  The fatty liver could have been genetic or due to obesity.  Turns out that it must have been the obesity.  The number is now 21 - it's dropped like 40 points.  So that allows me to start milder treatments.  Yay!

Last weekend we went down to Orlando.  I had some meetings on Friday and the kids were out of school, so we all went down for the weekend.  It was good to see our old friends down there and hang out with them.  (The kids getting sick wasn't so great.)  Several of these people hadn't seen me since we moved, so the weight loss was pretty startling to them.  So often, I am just doing my thing that I forget just how much has been accomplished.  I don't see the change much because it was so gradual.  I'll see it if I look at old pictures.  But I don't think about it every day.  When you are around people like that, though, it is a real reminder.

The crazy thing is that several people told me they have been reading the blog - and that they actually have started working on their weight.  That is always stunning to me.  After being the human weight gain machine over the last fifteen years, I am never prepared to hear someone is losing weight because of me.  It is pretty humbling to hear that.

This trip was different than most of my trips to Orlando.  I wasn't alone, so I didn't just get to hang out in Mexican places and BBQ joints.  I had to take into account Heather and the kids - and the people we were meeting.  I try to avoid places that have been big sources of failure for me over the years.  But, to other people, those don't have the same stigma.  This trip, it ended up that we went to many of those places I usually avoid.  On the way down, we stopped at Denny's.  In years past, Denny's made me do baaad things.  I loved their cheese sticks.  I usually got chili cheese fries with my meal.  And their breakfasts were always a huge problem for me.  Thank God I already developed the egg allergy ten years ago or who knows how many Grand Slams I would have devoured.  This time, I was able to find a pretty good option: bbq chicken breast with vegetable rice pilaf and corn.  It was tasty and very good for my efforts.

The hotel provided breakfast.  This means that it has tons of stuff I can't have: donuts, cereal, yogurt with aspartame, bagels, muffins, danishes.  I didn't get to go by Publix on our way in since we arrived so late, so my breakfast was just some nuts.  Lunch we ended up going to Macaroni Grill - a minefield what with all the pasta and cheese running through the place.  But my kids love the place, so we went there.  (And someone else was paying, so who was I to complain?)  I was able to find their grillers menu items and had Italian sausage with roasted veggies and some marinara sauce.  For dinner, friends of ours invited us join them at Mimi's and use their coupons for free kids meals.  If you haven't been to Mimi's, well I'm sorry for you.  That was one of those places I loved going - their food was incredible.  BUT most of it was sooo bad for me.  They bring out fresh bread to every table - including unbelievable pumpkin and carrot bread.  I decided to be a little more lenient there and had fried pickles with my meatloaf, veggies, and brown rice.  (I ate too many pickles - the next day my fingers were so swollen I couldn't get my ring off.)

On Saturday, we had a birthday party to attend.  My dear friends, the Sharps, were throwing the bash for their three year old.  They were very sensitive to me, so they had chicken breast and fruit for me to eat.  I just had to steer clear of the cake and sugar cookies and cheeseburgers.  For lunch, the ultimate struggle appeared.  We had gone out to Downtown Disney - one of our favorite places to go when we lived in Orlando.  You get a taste of Disney without paying admission - and they have a Lego store!  Well, dinner time rolled around and we decided to go to Pizzeria Uno.  You got to understand something - the only way this place would be harder for me would be if they served donuts.  It is one of the biggest sources of failure in my life.  In my last serious weight loss effort, my birthday lunch at Uno began the destruction of my diet.  So for me to go was tough.  The added problem was that this Uno has jacked up prices due to its proximity to Disney (on top of their already jacked up normal prices).

I looked all over the menu.  Avoid the pizza pages.  Avoid the pasta pages.  Avoid the appetizers and sandwiches.  There wasn't much.  And my usual bailout foods were ridiculously priced.  The chili was $6.29 for A CUP!!!  I was getting frazzled and did the only thing I could do.  I ordered nothing.  I couldn't find an option and just didn't order.  Then I watched my kids and wife eat my favorite pizza in the universe.  I was starving, but it wasn't worth messing up or paying exorbitant prices for something I didn't want.  I have had to resort to this before.  Just the week before at the Corn Maze we went to, I had to go without lunch because they didn't have anything I could eat.

This time, it was painful, but it was the right thing to do.  On the way back to the hotel, I drove by a Del Taco and got two "Big Fat Chicken Tacos" and ate those at the hotel.  I just dumped the innards onto a plate and ate them.  Turns out, the next day after church, we joined several friends at a different Del Taco.  I got the same thing and added a bowl of refried beans.  [Side Note: I wish their was a Del Taco in Tallahassee.  Their food is really good, really cheap, and an AWESOME option for me on the run.]

I know this post isn't that deep or thoughtful.  It is just some of how my life has changed.  Things have gone well enough that I just don't think about things most of the time.  But there are those times when I have to really make hard choices to do things right.  In years past, I never would have done that.  I would have justified making a bad choice.  There is no way I would have sat there at Uno and eaten nothing.  But I can't afford to make that mistake any more.  I know that now.  I just can't buckle.  And that is the mindset I have to have coming up here for the holidays.  This is a tough time of year - very easy to mess up.  There is the Halloween candy, the Thanksgiving pies and sides, the Christmas cookies and baked treats.  It is a good thing I've had to strengthen my resolve now.  I really want to lose 100 pounds by the end of the year.  It is going to take that kind of commitment.

PS - I posted a new picture of me now.  Thanks to Rich Blann for the shoot.