Anxious

We've been back in Orlando for less than a month now.  My weight has managed to stay pretty much the same.  Every time I've weighed, the scale has registered 257 and change.  That's actually a little lower than it was my last weigh-in in Tallahassee.  So, I'm pretty happy with that.  I've found decent places to eat that work with my guidelines.  There are several yogurt places available.  And I have discovered the deliciousness that is Greek food.  PLUS, tomorrow I am going to go hit the Food Truck Bazaar at the Oviedo Mall.  Yay!

But, being completely honest, things have not all been rosy.  It has been very strange going from a place where I was largely isolated to a place where I am surrounded by people I know.  That was one of the things that I was most looking forward to about coming back to Orlando.  But, it actually has been a very difficult adjustment.  I spent two years where I didn't have a lot of interaction with other adults.  When I got back, I actually started to feel pressured and stressed about keeping up with everyone.  I knew there were a lot of people who wanted to see us - people to be invited over for dinner, play dates to make, work to do.  The change in status seemed to trigger some kind of latent anxiety.  I found myself frequently overwhelmed by social settings.  It was weird - the very thing I wanted was causing a lot of stress.

How does this fit into my weight loss and food battle blog?

I didn't know either.  Then Heather started her rotation at the family medicine doctor she was assigned to (another new experience that caused new stresses).  Heather and the doctor were talking about patients who had lost a lot of weight through surgery.  The doctor explained that these people frequently would experience intense anxiety in social settings - they would feel judged and insecure.  You would think that someone who had just had such an amazing life change happen would be thrilled to be seen and interact with people.  But, instead, it would be a horribly unpleasant experience.

The doctor went on to explain that what had happened was that food usually was where these people would turn when they were stressed out.  But, now, they didn't have that as an option any more.  Their coping mechanisms for stressful situations before was food.  Now, the stress just would crash down without any relief.  When Heather told me about that in the car this afternoon, it was quite a revelation.  I thought back through and could see where my body just didn't know what to do.  Even today, I was unraveling with the kids and shopping and everything.  We came back home to drop something off and as I walked into the house, my mind said, "Go eat those cupcakes.  It will help."  (I didn't eat them.)  And I have been craving chocolate for the last week like I was pregnant.

It makes sense.  An alcoholic who doesn't have drinking to turn to any more has to find other ways to help himself function.  The same goes for a food addict.  I remember there was an episode of "Friends" where Monica was dating a guy named "Fun Bobby."  The gang noticed how much he was drinking and confronted him about his alcohol problem.  As the episode went on, Bobby stopped drinking.  And he soon became boring, depressing, ridiculous Bobby.  It is a similar kind of situation.  All the insecurity and stress that usually was coursing through my mind was kind of hidden by food.  I would turn to yummy food - especially at parties.  That would give me a steady stream of happiness.  I distinctly remember eating a LOT at parties over the years.  The finger foods and appetizers that usually would be on display at these gatherings were perfect cover.  People rarely could keep track of what you actually were consuming.

The other thing the doctor told Heather is that depression and anxiety play out differently in men and women.  Traditionally, women will get weepy and teary.  Guys will get irritable and short tempered.  I would be a liar or an idiot to not admit that I have been both of those things in the last month.  It really is amazing just how much damage I caused myself with food.  If hadn't used that as a crutch for so long, I would have learned much healthier ways to deal with issues.  But now, at 37 years old, I have to learn all over again how to handle things.

I get so worried that I am going to let someone down or they are going to be upset with me.  I worry that when I reach out to people they don't really want me around - that I'm bothering them.  I remember feeling that way back in high school.  But it hasn't been this bad in a long time.  Even people who are my closest friends, I worry that they get tired of me and wish I would just go away.  It becomes a supreme effort to make a phone call or send a text message or email.  And when those are not responded to, then it just feels like my concerns were validated.  "See?  They don't like you."

I have said several times to people that I am not the same person I was when I left for Tallahassee.  It really is true.  Part of it is that I'm almost 30% smaller than I was and I eat differently.  But I approach life differently.  I handle situations differently.  I have different priorities.  And, as I am realizing, those are not all for the better.  It is a new struggle for me to face.  This time, though, it will have to be without that old cheese stick crutch.

My Kids

One kind of unexpected side effect of this whole food battle is the impact it has had on our kids.  Weight is not something you can hide, so my kids were very aware of my size.  They knew that I was fat - they even told me so.  They weren't trying to be mean.  But to them, it was pretty cut and dry.  When I started this, I had to explain what was going on.  It would have been too tough to hide things.  They saw me doing the juice fast and wanted to know why Daddy wasn't eating.  They wanted to know why I couldn't eat pizza with them.  And I have my progress charted on a white board - so they see that all the time.

I have tried to explain to them about it all.  It is a tough balancing act.  I want them to be careful with their food choices.  But, at the same time, I don't want them to hold themselves to some unrealistic body image.  The fact of the matter is that God made everyone different.  And I believe that some people are just going to be bigger.  I doubt I will ever be a "skinny guy."  I have a big bone structure.  I am taller and broad.  I will always have to shop in a Big Man's section, just because of the length of my torso.  And I am okay with that - now.  I don't want my kids to see themselves as something less than good because they don't fit into a society-ordained body shape.

With the battle over childhood obesity raging, kids are confronted with messages about weight and body image in mainstream media.  It is a very important issue.  I can't imagine how obese I would have been as a kid if I was growing up today.  It was bad enough then, without the constant presence of Kids Meals and soda and processed food.  My kids are just like your kids - they love those things.  The first restaurant out of their mouth is McDonald's.  Even the youngest one - not even three years old - can spot the Golden Arches from a mile away.  They are suckers for desserts.  They beg for Kids Cuisine and Lunchables.  The older two would drink soda every meal.

On the flip side, how does a parent make kids aware of their food decisions and body without giving them a complex or making them hyper-sensitive of their weight.  The last thing I want to do is give them an eating disorder (anorexia) trying to stop them from having an eating disorder (gluttony).  My daughter is getting into gymnastics.  She has been bumped up into a more advanced class to prepare them for team gymnastics.  And she is loving it.  My wife showed her the old movie Nadia about Olympic gymnast Nadia Comaneci.  The girl would watch that every day.  Except we won't let her.  Several of the scenes talk about how Nadia started "getting fat" and how she "ate bad."  Between the movie and watching me, my daughter started to stress about getting fat.  We finally sat down with her and talked to her about the weight/eating thing.  We told her that she can make healthy choices, stay active, and do her best.  But she doesn't need to go down that road.  She's six.  Six year olds don't need to have that stress in their lives.

So, I have had to walk a tough road - knowing how much to project onto the kids in this weight loss and food change effort.  Obviously, there are going to be some major changes in our home - since I won't be introducing problematic foods any more.  I would guess I was responsible for 95% of the bad foods coming into our lives.  The kids have had to get used to a different menu of foods.  We don't have cookies or brownies or cake or ice cream.  Mini rice cakes and frozen yogurt have taken those spots.  We don't have Italian food or casseroles or pasta any more.  We have changed our restaurant choices.  They get told "no" a lot at the store when they beg for stuff.  They have gotten used to this concept.

But, at the same times, they are still kids.  I don't want to take away McDonald's forever - aren't McNuggets a rite of passage?  I think Friday Night Pizza and Movie Night is still something worth having at our house.  I still want them to have candy at the movie theater and chocolate Mini Wheats and the occasional Pop Tart.  And I still think the very infrequent donut surprise is worthwhile.  Let's face it - you can't escape childhood without hot dogs or mac and cheese.  I just don't want those things to be the sum total of their food intake.

This is completely new ground for me.  I have NEVER been the health conscious parent.  I used to ridicule the snack box lists at our kids' preschool.  Everything had to be healthy.  It was crazy.  Even this past year, Natalie couldn't bring cupcakes for her birthday.  We had to bring blueberry muffins.  Seriously?  Muffins!?!  [Ignoring for a moment Jim Gaffigan's assertion that muffins are just bald cupcakes.]  Now, though, I have to be careful for myself - and I have to be careful with them and for them.  I can see some of the same bad habits in my kids as in myself.  I see their draw to fatty, greasy, fried, sugary foods.  They also would be glad to just sit and watch tv and play video games.  That combination should be adding up to fat kids.  (Praise God for my in-laws' genetic disposition to svelteness.)

I have sat my older two kids down to explain the situation to them.  Honesty was key - but not in a way that would make them feel bad about their own bodies.  "Daddy made a lot of mistakes with food.  He liked to eat the things that were bad for him and he did NOT eat the things that were good for him.  He did this for a long time.  And there are consequences to our choices.  So Daddy got very fat.  It made it hard for him to play with you and to feel good.  So now he has to change the way he is eating.  There are some foods he cannot eat.  That does not mean those foods are bad for everyone - it means that he cannot be in control when he eats them.  The key is to learn to be careful about the foods we eat.  We need to eat more of the food that are good for us.  And we need to let those other food be for special times - something we control and don't have all the time."

They seem to understand and have jumped on board.  There are times where I point out something about food - especially when I tell them "no" at the grocery store.  I explain why frozen yogurt is better than ice cream.  We try to find healthier foods they like.  I force them to exercise - all of them are enrolled in gymnastics.  Their tv, computer, and video game usage has time limits.  We discuss this stuff.  And I stress the importance of establishing good habits now so that it will be easier later for them.

Overall, I think one of the harder elements about this whole effort has been the reversal of direction with my family.  I was leading them all down into the destruction of obesity.  Now, I have had to completely change how I am doing things - and how we are doing things.  I am the main food preparer, so I am the one who is going to control what is served.  It hasn't been easy to totally alter the way we eat - the kids have wanted to be supportive.  But there are times they don't like the changes.  They miss certain things. There are times when I feel very bad about the example I set for them for so many years.  It is tough for a parent to stand there and say, "I was wrong.  Ignore everything I showed you and did for the last x number of years.  This is the right way, now."  But I figure that is an even better example - a grown up who is not afraid to admit their mistakes and try to do things right.  I hope they learn the lessons well.