Just As You Are

Three cool things happened to me today.  The first was that I weighed finally.  I had intentionally not been weighing because I was trying to prove a point to myself that this was more than just a weight loss campaign.  But I weighed 339.  Now, to some, that may be horrible.  But considering I was 352 in October, and probably more than that after all the Christmas cookies and candy, that is a pretty good number for one week.  I know that it is a temporary drop, since the re-introduction of food will cause me to stop the rapid weight shedding.  But, still, it was good to see a smaller number.

Second, I began to eat some today.  I had a half an apple for breakfast with my juice.  Yay!  Then for lunch we went to Boston Market.  [Just a side note regarding the Market.  If you have kids, be sure to check it out on Sundays.  Right now, they are giving you TWO free kids meals with the purchase of an adult meal.  Our bill today was $14.  Yup.  Steak and Shake also has free kids meals on weekends, but that isn't as good for you.]  So we hit Boston Market and I had part of a turkey kids meal.  By part, I mean about a third of the steamed veggies, half the fruit cup, and about an ounce of turkey.  But, it was awesome.  I feel so much better just having that stuff.  And it hit me that I will be able to do this.  I liked what I had to eat and it was filling.  So maybe the whole concept isn't too impossible.

The last thing was at church this morning.  We were talking in Sunday School about John 21:15-17.  This is one of my favorite passages.  In it, Jesus is hanging out with the Disciples after He has died and rose again.  He pulls Peter aside and asks him three times if he loves Him.  Peter says yes each time.  On the surface, it is weird that Jesus kept asking - matching the number of Peter's denials with Jesus' questions.  But you really have to know Greek to understand the passage.  I've taught this lesson several times after reading about it in Tony Evan's book No More Excuses.  The teacher today took the same approach.

Each question seems the same, but there are subtle differences.  In the first question, Jesus calls Peter by his full given and proper name - almost like a stranger.  Then He asks Peter if he loves Jesus unconditionally more than everyone and everything - something Peter had claimed just days before.  Peter replies that he loves Christ like a friend.  Jesus then tells Peter to feed His lambs - a very narrow and specific job within the Church.  Second, Jesus calls him Simon and again asks him if he loves Jesus unconditionally.  Peter replies that he loves Jesus like a friend.  Jesus then tells Peter to care for his sheep - increasing the responsibility to upkeep of the herd.  The third time, Jesus asks, "Simon do you love me like a brother?"  Peter is hurt this time, because now Jesus was questioning the statement Peter kept making.  Peter says, "Yes, you know I do."  So Jesus tells Peter to feed His sheep - giving Peter the responsibility to bring the food to the flock, which I think was why Peter was the chief spokesman in Acts.

It is a powerful story and can be appreciated on so many levels.  It shows Christ's restoration of Peter.  It shows how there needs to be growth as a Christian.  It also shows Jesus stripping away Peter's blustery claims and revealing his true heart - demanding honesty of Peter.  I love the passage.  Today, though, something else hit me.  We are starting Francis Chan's book Crazy Love in that class.  The book talks about how amazing God's love is for us, and how we take it for granted.  In light of that and the Peter story, it hit me how God loves us unconditionally.  He doesn't ask us to love Him that way before we can come to Him.  Instead, He desires us to honestly come to Him and give Him all we have.  It is like God is saying, "I know you don't love me like I love you, but that's okay.  I would rather have you as a friend than not at all.  I love you that much."

We see this portrayed in movies and television shows - Glee and Hitch are two examples that come to mind.  In those both, the guy knows he loves the girl so much more than she can reciprocate.  But he doesn't care.  He's just glad she loves him at all.  It seems so bizarre that the God of creation feels that way about us.  He wants us like that, and then through our walk with Him, He begins to change us.  We can't stay in that lopsided relationship forever.  Over time, He is going to ask us to begin to give up the things that get in the way.  That friendship has to develop into a passionate relationship with Him.  He does require us to start trying to say we love Him first and foremost.  But it is a long process.

What hit me is just how patient God is with us.  It seems like every five years or so, God asks me to give up something major.  It is something that is getting in the way of my relationship with Him, but it is something that I am unaware is hurting me - or that I am unwilling to actually give up.  It is essential for me to do this.  I may fight it, but I can't move on until I do it.  It isn't always exactly five years, but it is pretty close.

• Age four I accepted Christ.
• Age ten we left the Christian school I was attending.  It had to leave the nice cocoon I was in and start applying what I believed all the time.
• Age fourteen, I had to really decide if I was going to be serious about what I said I believed. I was such a brat at this point, my mom began to question if I was actually saved.  I remember one Sunday night actually making this choice and talking to my youth pastor about it.
• Age twenty I had to decide between Student Government at UCF and the Baptist group.  This ended up being one of the biggest decision of my life, since BCM helped direct me into ministry.
• Age twenty-five, I had to deal with my addiction to movies and my developing issue with pornography.  That led to a six month break from movies, which I documented in this blog post on my other blog.  It also helped lead to the creation of Defender Ministries in 2005.  
• Age thirty-two, I had to deal with my warped view on life.  I documented that here.  It helped me to stop focusing so much on myself and start thinking about those around me.  That helped me be less selfish, angry, judgmental, and calloused.
• Now at age almost thirty-six, I have to deal with my food addiction.  It is finally time.  I have known this, but have fought it.

I am excited and again reminded of just how much my God loves me.  I think about all the things that I have put in front of God.  The stupid and ridiculous wastes of time that we think is so freaking important.  Seriously - movies, comic books, cheeseburgers, some title in a group no one cares about?  These are the things we put in front of Him?  Would you tolerate it if your spouse put all that in front of you?  I wouldn't.  But God takes us, knowing all of this garbage is there.  And He patiently pares away the layers.  That is absolutely amazing to me.

Juice Fast - Day Six

Just a quick update beyond the pizza diatribe.  I finished day six of the juice fast.  Tomorrow I am going to begin the three day process of breaking the fast.  I get to eat . . . two apples!  Yay!  Apples!!!  Seriously, at this point I am absolutely thrilled to have a chance to eat an apple.  After days of just juice and water, the prospect of an apple is about as awesome as a giant Cheesesteak to me.

I had wondered how long the juice fast would go.  I had read about people doing a thirty day fast, and I was ready to do that.  I've read a lot about these fasts and have done them to some extent a couple times.  The sites all say that your body will tell you when it is time to stop.  Some say you should stop two days after having your last detox symptoms - which I haven't had for a couple days.  Others say that you will start to have an uncontrollable hunger when you can't go further.

I doubt I am at the furthest point I can go.  But I have felt really lousy for two days.  I am starving all the time, even after having my juice.  It doesn't matter how much I have, I still am hungry.  I even tried to change up the juices.  This morning I went so far as to drink what I can only describe as swamp water.  It was fruit juices spiked with juiced broccoli, spinach, grass.  And it was horrible.  I drank the whole thing.  The latter half of the day, I started to deal with actual stomach pain and cramping.  It was pretty unpleasant.  I am not doing this to torture myself.  It was done to jump start the permanent food changes I need to make.  It also was done to help me think through the causes and reasons behind my food problems.  I have been doing that and will continue to do so.  I am excited to begin the real changes.  And that is why I am going to break the fast and institute my new strict menu.

For the next three days, I will gradually re-introduce food.  That will be fruits and some veggies.  On Wednesday, if I feel up to it, I will start my new program.  I will explain that later, as it comes closer.

Pizza

So, part of this process, as I said so beautifully at the end of the last post, is identifying which food have crossed the line into addiction level food.  Then I need to look at those food and try to identify why they reached that status.  I have been doing that for all my foods, and most of them have a very similar story.  First of all, here is my list of foods.

• Pizza/Calzone
• Soda (especially Pepsi)
• Lasagna/Italian Food
• Subs
• Cheeseburgers
• Cheese
• Cookies
• Brownies
• Breakfast Sandwiches
• Quesadillas/Mexican Food
• Cakes & Pies

I didn't include chips or fries, because I can usually take them or leave them.  Also, surprisingly, I am not all that in trouble when it comes to candy.  I may eat them, but I have gone long stretches without them and been fine.  I'm sure you all are looking at that list and going, "Shocking.  I never would have guessed."  Yeah, it is a pretty standard list for "if you want to gain weight, eat this."  Well, I have decided to address the first item on the list - my personal kryptonite.  Pizza.

Pizza is my favorite food.  It is the one food that I just have never been able to do without.  Whenever I try to diet, the thought of never having pizza again is enough to undermine my efforts.  I think about ways to make pizza work with my new efforts.  A few years back, I got into Weight Watchers and lost fifty pounds in about four months.  But I still found ways to eat pizza.  And on my birthday, I took a break to eat some deep dish Pizzeria Uno and never was the same again.  It never fails, pizza hurts my efforts and hold me down.  Before I started this effort last week, I was about to start a new diet with Heather.  It was combining carbs and proteins in a way to make sure you didn't stockpile carbs.  Heather was on this during her pregnancy with Gabe, and it was very effective.  But the first thing I did, I tried to come up with a way to make pizza work in the structure.

So how did this food, this pizza, become such a force in my life?  I have tried to think through this over the last week.  Actually, I have tried to think through this many times over the years.  Here is what I kind of figured out.  When we were growing up, my mom was a great cook.  She made a wide variety of foods and made them well.  I, of course, was a spoiled brat child.  And I did not like all the food she made.  In fact, some of them I detested.  Meat loaf, Italian breaded pork cutlets, pork chops, smothered chicken.  I never made my mom's life easy.  There were some foods I really liked.  Being a snotty punk, I wanted to eat the foods I liked and grumbled about the ones I didn't.  (I think this is the way things go with kids.  My kids pull the same junk on me.  And my food is awesome, so I know it is not deserved.)  

My mom did a great job of making sure we got a variety of dinners.  We would never have any one meal too often.  Mom my made great pizza.  I always liked it.  We had it about once every two weeks.  I always looked forward to pizza night.  Now pizza also appeared a few other times outside of normal dinner routine.  Pizza had a special status in our home.  We would watch the Super Bowl together, and have pizzas from the Publix Deli.  (They used to make them and have them in the cooler case.  They were awesome.)  There also was the Ambrosia Restaurant down the street.  We rarely got food from there, but they had the most amazing calzone that we would get a couple times a year.  We didn't eat out much, but the type of food we had most was pizza.  My mom loved Pizza Hut and so we would get that every so often.  In short, pizza was fun and delicious.  It was attached to many good memories.  It was a happy food.

As we got older, my mom wanted to make our lives happy.  Things were not always great at home - lots of fighting and tension.  This is no secret to anyone who knew our family.  It wasn't a happy place to be for much of the time.  My mom wanted to help us be happier, and so she started to trim our menu down to the foods we liked.  This also helped to combat the complaining.  We also began to eat out more.  Things like soda, pizza, lasagna, burgers that used to be made less frequently now were more common.  This was the status when I left for college.

Ah, college.  On my own for the first time.  I had a big meal plan at UCF, with lots of flex dollars to use above and beyond my meals.  I was in charge, and I took full advantage of this.  I would eat what I wanted.  For breakfast, I used the cafeteria breakfast buffet for eggs, omelets, bacon and sausage.  For lunch, we could eat at any food service spot - just had to be within a certain amount of money.  I had monte cristos, quesadillas, burritos, burgers.  I also would hit the pizza place on campus and have pizza, calzones, and meatball subs.  For dinner, I would eat at the cafeteria if they had stuff I liked.  Mexican night?  Sí, señor.  Italian buffet?  Of course.  Boring roast beef or whatever?  Head over to the Wild Pizza.  This combined with me getting my first credit card.  So, it got to the point where I would be buying pizza at the Wild Pizza for lunch and/or dinner.  I also would order it from Pizza Hut.

My eating habits were, to say the least, atrocious.  As I got into my third and fourth years, when I lived off campus, it got even worse.  I would be on campus all day, hanging out in the Baptist Collegiate Ministries office in between classes.  I ate out for so many meals.  Burger King, McDonalds, Miami Subs, Denny's, Taco Bell.  And, one of the most visited locations was the Pizza Hut lunch buffet.  We hit that at LEAST once a week.  I figured it out one time that I spent about $900 on pizza in a semester when I lived in the dorms.  I burned through money and packed on calories and pounds.  I ballooned in college.  But that wasn't the worse step.

Once I graduated, I moved to Tampa for my first job.  I would be gone all day and much of the night - working at the church or the BCM.  I rarely ate at home - even when I was staying with a wonderful lady from the church for two years who provided food for me.  Sure, I would eat the sausage and biscuits she always had in the fridge.  And I ate the frozen pizzas she always had for me.  No way on the veggies, though.  I now was hitting buffets with the guys all the time - rotating between pizza, Mexican, Chinese, Mongolian, big hot grill.  Since I worked with students, pizza was always around.

I had trained myself to link pizza with fun.  It was at parties and special events.  It was available at youth group in high school.  We had it at men's Bible study.  Whenever there was a good time going, there was the round taste pleaser in the middle of it all.  Instead of just being a special food once in a while, it became a special food all the time.  And, to paraphrase Syndrome from The Incredibles, "If its always special, it never is."  Special became normal.  The fun foods were the standard foods.  If it wasn't fun, it became just about impossible to convince myself to eat it.  Why would I?  That changed when I got married and we started making food at home.  Heather tried, just like many others before, to get me to eat veggies and simple meat dishes.  But I didn't want those or like those.  I wanted the fun stuff.  Almost ten years later, I still feel that way.  I have learned to make the more "boring stuff," but it always was just a waiting game until the fun stuff hit a few days later.

That's where I am.  Pizza is fun.  I am always at the place where I can eat pizza.  Even if I've eaten and then we go somewhere that has pizza, I could eat some.  It doesn't matter if I have it for lunch, I could have it for dinner.  I could eat it every night - I proved that my freshman year of college.  And, honestly, I have a hard time picturing myself not eating it again.  That is the one food that as I go through this process I just have trouble parting with.  I keep thinking about how I can get it back at some point.  Some day, I will be strong enough.  Some day, I will be able to eat it without it being a problem.  Maybe I can come up with a way to make it healthy.  But the fact remains that I can't do that.  I need to just give it up - for good.  If some day it comes about that I can actually eat it, well that will be interesting to see.  I don't see that happening.  

This is where I need to truly recognize this as an addiction.  An alcoholic can't begin drying out hoping that some day he will be able to drink again.  You have to go into the process being willing to give it all up forever.  Those things on the list have to go.  If I get to the point where I can have some of them again, well superdy duper.  But I am not going into this as a temporary phase of my life.  I am trying to make it a permanent change.  I would not at all be surprised if I will end up saying, "The last time I ever had pizza was January 15, 2010."  Is that sad?  Yes.  Very much so.  I am very sad at the prospect of never having those things again.  I honestly have no clue how to approach life without those things.  But I have to find out.  I'm tired of being bested by food - no matter how fun it is.  Ciao, pizza.  It was fun.  But I want to be free.

Juice Fast - Day Five

I'm bored.

I have hit the point where this is boring.  For those of you who have not done a lot of fasting, this is common, I suppose.  At least it has been for me.  The first few days have a lot of excitement - even if that is not positive excitement.  There are pains and tears and wanting to quit and weird things happening to your body.  Like outbreaks of hives, for example.  Or pooping yourself when you think you are just passing gas since your digestive system is so weird - uh, not that it has ever happened to me.  I just have heard . . . that can . . . happen to some people.  Moving on.  At the end of the fast, there is the overwhelming and painful crush of hunger, which is the signal to stop.  In between, you kind of hit that point where your body is getting used to what is going on.  It may not like it, but it isn't shocked any more.  That can go on for a while.  There is supposedly a point where euphoria kicks in and you start to feel superhuman.  That is what the online juice fast guides say.  Personally, I don't think I ever have had that period.

My stomach has started grumbling a LOT today.  That is weird, because it usually happens in days one and two.  Those days I had a gnawing hunger, but not a lot of grumbling.  Today, the old gut has been very vocal about its displeasure with the lack of grub.  I keep making myself drink the juice and water, trying to stave off the grumbling and complaining.  I probably need to switch up my juice choices soon.  Purple is getting boring quickly.  The biggest challenge with juice fast is coming up with juices when you don't own a juicer.  We have looked at juicers, but they are so stinking expensive.  I can't justify that.  There are four main classes of juicers, as I have determined them.

1. CITRUS JUICERS:  These are good for juicing citrus fruits.  Oranges, lemons, grapefruit, key limes.  On a juice diet, you are not supposed to do citrus fruits.  They are almost pure sugar.  And grapefruit can seriously mess you up on a juice fast - like it messes with medication and everything.  So this class is useless.
2. CHEAPO JUICERS:  These are the "too good to be true" juicers.  They cost around $50-100 and claim to do all kinds of stuff.  Hamilton Beach and Juice Tiger, for example.  But if you read the reviews, what they do best is break.  Sure, they work super for a couple of weeks.  But then they get tired of working hard on carrots and they start to malfunction.  Unfortunately, this is the class that most people are stuck going with because that's all they can afford.
3. UPSCALE JUICERS:  These are in the $200 range.  They are the kicked up version of the Cheapo class.  There are two kinds of juicers - centrifugal (uses spinning blades) and masticulating (grinding gears)  These are the best of the centrifugal class.  Breville is a big name in this.  They are fancier, have more pulp storage.  But they still all have the same problems, cheap or upscale.  They waste a lot of product and wear down easily.
4. PROFESSIONAL JUICERS:  If you go to a juice place, they have one of these.  They are the best and give you the freedom to juice anything.  It uses gears to grind the product, which wastes less and gives more nutrition.  They also take a lot longer.  And they cost a ton.  Green Star is a big name in this class.  They run from $450 to $860 on Amazon.  So, that ain't happening.

I have none of these juicers, so I must resort to buying juice.  Since we don't have an awesome organic store like Trader Joe's here (yeah, that's aimed at the South Carolina Crissingers), I don't have a lot of choices unless I want to pay an arm and a leg.  And, in this process, those are two body parts I don't want to part with.  They won't take a pound of flesh, which I have plenty of.  So this weekend I need to find a way to mix up the juice.

But, today, I am bored.  It is amazing how much time food takes up in your day - distracting you from the boring stuff.  Preparing food, eating food, cleaning up.  I still do all that for everyone else, but when it is just me and Gabe - the process doesn't take long.  How long does it take to toast a waffle or microwave a hot dog?  My food prep is insanely short.  "Get glass.  Put in ice.  Get juice.  Pour juice in cup.  Sigh loudly.  Drink."  Reading that instruction list takes longer than doing it.  I want something exciting to happen.  I'm not sure what I am wanting.

I guess some huge revelation that rocks me to my core.  Is that too much to ask?  This is suspiciously looking like another opportunity for me to learn patience, discipline, and self control.  I hate those.  Immediate gratification is so much easier.  I get onto my kids about their desire for that.  But I'm not a whole lot different.  I think that is actually at the heart of a lot of food issues.  We are down, so we eat.  We are happy, so we eat.  It gives us the immediate release of endorphins that we desire without having to wait and work through a normal process of emotions.  I want to feel better, I eat a cookie, I feel better.  Of course, that immediately is changed when I realize that cookie was way too small and now it is probably lonely, all alone in my stomach with just the Pepsi and pizza to keep it company.  So I invite a few of its friends to join him.  Soon, I'm in a sugared out bliss, the cookie tray is empty, the cookies - which weren't really lonely since they are just food - are busy adding to my ample fat stores, and I am shopping for a bigger shirt because my old ones "shrunk in the blasted dryer . . . AGAIN."

So maybe part of this process is learning to wait and be patient - to be content with what I have and control my desires.  I can't make this go any faster.  Sure, I can quit now.  But it isn't the right time.  I can't make my body break its addiction any faster.  I can't force God to give me revelation any faster.  I can't do much of anything except keep on drinking the juice, praying, reading God's Word, and doing my job.  And, of course, being careful when I pass gas.

SIDE NOTE:  In this process, two people are going to be essential to my success.  The first is Heather.  She is there to encourage me and extend me compassion on a daily basis.  Her medical training is also very useful.  I am very blessed to have such a wonderful wife to be there and invest so much in my well being.  The other person is Charles Wise.  We founded Defender Ministries five years ago this March.  I consider Charles one of the greatest blessings in my life.  I have gained so much from his friendship.  He is a licensed mental health counselor with a wealth of knowledge - including on dietary issues.  His advice is always greatly appreciated.  So when both Heather and Charles tell me to do something, I don't question it.  I just do it.  For example, this blog is up and running - which both of them suggested within two hours of each other.  Well, they also both told me to look at specific foods and try to see what the reason is for their hold on me.  So that is something else that will be incorporated in these updates.

Darth Fatso Unmasked

I promised that I would explain the name of the blog at some point.  And that time is now!  I know you all are super duper excited.  When the kids and I were playing Lego Star Wars for the Wii video game console, I decided to create a character.  This is one of the fun features - you can create a lego character and then use it in the game.  So I picked something that looked like me, gave it a light saber, and called it Darth Fatso.  It kind of stuck, so as I would create characters in the other Lego games (Indiana Jones, Batman), they were take on some derivation of the concept.

It was funny.  All in good fun.  It was how I always handled my weight issues.  I would joke about them and poke fun.  This has been going on for a loooong time now.  I guess a counselor type person would call it a coping mechanism - to joke about your insecurities and inadequacies.  I have just made it a habit.  When I teach at Defender events, my weight becomes an ongoing joke during the sessions.  It actually can be quite funny.  I had one bit that I did at the Baptist State Collegiate Conference during our Accountability session that broke everyone up, including me.

There is another game on the Wii called Wii Fit.  It comes with a balance board to do these exercises.  It is great and very useful to lots of people.  I went to try it and the system flashed up the message, "Maximum weight exceeded.  Please get off."  In reality it was humiliating.  I was mortified that I was too heavy to use a weight loss device.  But, naturally I played it for humor.  It went something like this.  "You know that people have discovered how to cheat at Wii Fit?  You can sit on the board and bounce and it simulates running.  What is the point of cheating at Wii Fit?  I mean, what benefit is there to that?  Me, on the other hand, I'm not allowed on the Wii Fit.  Seriously.  It told me so.  I got on and the machine actually said, 'You are too heavy.  Please get off.'  That's right.  I'm too fat to lose weight.  I am so big that I can't even use a weight loss device.  It asked, 'Are there two of you on there?  This isn't the livestock Wii Fit.'  Turns out I have to go to a doctor and get the industrial Wii Fit balance board.  It is made out of reinforced steel and can hold up to 1000 pounds.  It is also used by farmers with the game Wii Breed."

Typical joking for me.  The truth of the matter, though, is that I don't think it is funny at all.  I hate being fat.  I hate having to wear big guy clothes.  I hate having to identify myself as "the big guy with a beard" when telling people who to look for.  I hate having people look at me nervously on an airplane or at a buffet.  I don't like the fact that I have broken chairs, sofas, bookcases with my bulk.  And I guess I really believe that everyone around me is looking at me and going, "Man look at that enormous tub of good."  So I joke about it to diffuse the situation.

So that has created Darth Fatso.  In the Star Wars movies, when a Jedi goes over to the Dark Side to become a Sith, he becomes so immersed in that way of life that he basically dies and becomes a different character.  Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader.  When talking about Vader, Obi Wan Kenobi actually said, "Anakin Skywalker is dead. Darth Vader killed him."  The sith lord destroys what he used to be.  All that is left is Darth Whatsamadoodle.  In my case, Darth Fatso has existed for so long, that the man I was supposed to be has disappeared.  Part of my identity is that I am fat.  When I think of myself, I think of a fat guy.

I have convinced myself that I am okay with this.  I have said time and again that I am fine with being big, that it is just my cross to bear.  I have said that it was my thorn in the flesh, that helped keep me humble for years and years.  But the fact of the matter is that the Darth Fatso persona has shrouded the real me.  I know this to be true because of what happened last spring.  When I was working all those jobs (Apple, ICS, Waypoint, Defender), I was the happiest I ever had been.  I was living in the joy of the Lord.  Sure, I still thought about my weight.  I still felt embarrassed at needed bigger Apple shirts.  But, most of the time, I just let Christ flow through me.  It was so strange.  I felt great about myself, not because of how awesome I am (even though I am).  I felt great because of the Christ that lived in me.  I liked who I was when I let Him have free reign.  I ministered to those kids at the school, to my co-workers and customers at Apple, to our church members, to parents and students at Defender events.  I felt free in a lot of ways.

When I let God provide my identity, it was incredible.  I still would fall back on my jokes about my weight on a regular basis.  But the people around me actually looked pained to hear them.  They hated hearing me joke that way because they DID NOT SEE ME THAT WAY!  I was the one who saw me that way.  They saw me as something completely different.  My weight never mattered to them.  They loved me for who I really was.  I guess figuring that out gave me hope.  I thought that maybe, there was a chance for something else.

That is where the scary part comes in.  When Darth Fatso is dead, what happens next?  I honestly don't even know how to live free of food issues.  I have been a prisoner to food for as long as I can remember - literally my whole life.  What do I do?  I am a little scared - not enough to stop.  But I do wonder what it will be like.  The thing about this is, I am not doing this to get thin.  I have not even weighed in to start.  Weight loss will come as I get a handle on food.  Will I be thin?  Who knows.  Being overweight is not a sin.  There are lots of people who have metabolisms and bodies that make it nearly impossible to be svelte.  I really wonder if I will ever be "thin" by Southwest Airlines' standards.  My goal is to be free.  I want to identify myself as something different - something where God is free to operate without wading through my unhealthy affection for pizza and fried cheese.  The weight will take care of itself.

So that is why Darth Fatso must die.  He must die so that I can truly live, and so that Christ can live in me the way He wants to.  I posted the lyrics to Third Day's song Born Again on the right side of the blog.  I love this song and heard it this morning.  It really put into words what I am feeling about this effort - what I hope will happen.  I want to be born again as a man free to serve God without reservation.  I can't imagine how that will feel, but I can't wait to find out.

Juice Fast - Day Three

It is 3:00am. I am sitting here on the couch and listening to the storm outside. Pretty symbolic of what is going on with me today. I have woken up to a horrible outbreak of hives all over my body. They started last night on my arms and now my torso and legs have joined the party. I am trying not to scratch them, which is excruciating. My entire body itches. It took a supreme effort last night to be able to actually fall asleep. Now that I woke up, I am having a very hard time going back to sleep.

This is not my first fast. I have fasted numerous times in my life. Most of them were for spiritual reasons - a time of prayer and fasting. When I was working with the college group in Tampa, I actually fasted for 28 days. I only would drink juice for breakfast and lunch and then have bread or dinner. I even did a juice fast a few years back. In fact, it was the success of that particular one that led me to do this one. I wanted to start my attack on addiction with a juice fast - to clean my body out and provide a jolt to my system. I guess it was a way to tell my body that things were going to change - NOW.

Well, this fast is different than any other I have been on . It seems my body is actually fighting me. Today has been horrible. I woke up feeling nauseated. I haven't wanted to drink my juice or water. But I have been severely tempted to wolf down handfuls of peanuts or to steal Gabe's waffle. I have been battling torturous images of food all day, as well as an avalanche of depressing thoughts. And now, the hives to end the day.

Earlier today, Heather and I were trying to work out some issues with her Financial Aid. I was driving her around FSU to fill out forms and such. She needed to be able to eat lunch while were driving, and Gabe was hungry as well. So we stopped at McDonald's to get them some food. The smell of the food in the car was overwhelming. As I breathed in Heather's chicken sandwich, I actually started to cry. Now I have cried at some stupid stuff over the years. I cried at one a Wonder Pets episode the other day. One of the auditions last night on American Idol made me cry. But crying over a chicken sandwich? That I don't even like?

It seems like my body knows what is going on and is fighting me. I can really understand what Paul talks about - the struggle between the old self and new man. I feel the old food addicted self inside screaming and fighting. He wants food. I went to cook Heather's hamburger last night and suddenly found myself deluged by images of big juicy burgers from restaurants all over the place. It was ridiculous. I knew this would be hard, but the seriousness with which I approached this effort seems to have pushed things to a higher level.

I know that Satan is not happy with this. I'm sure he isn't sitting there going, "Yeah, sure. No problem. Let's get rid of a problem that has hampered you for thirty years. Good on ya, mate." He is going to fight dirty. I can already recognize his rotten sneaky methods. The hateful and accusing thoughts. The encouragements to give up and go eat something. The suggestions to hurt myself or worse. The lie that I am alone in this and just being stupid.

I also know that the hives are part of the process. As the fast begins, there is a detoxification process. This happened last time too (just not as extreme). You start to get nasty tastes in your mouth, your skin gets dry and feels scummy. My eyes burn as the toxins from my skin get into them. It is very common for hives to break out due to the toxicity of the chemicals seeping out of the skin. Doesn't make it itch any less, though. I knew this wouldn't be easy and that the old person I was wouldn't go quietly into the night. I need to persevere and keep it up. The increase in opposition and unpleasantness probably means it is working.

Well, I am going to try to go back to bed. The storms outside have subsided and the itching seems to have calmed down momentarily. Maybe I can actually drift off now. Three days down. Tomorrow is a new day (and it is coming fast).

Weighty Issue

Hello All -

I hope your new year is going well. I am writing all of you because I consider you to be both very important to me, and people of prayer and a pursuit for God. I know that I can be extremely wordy in my emails, but I ask you please to put up with it this time. It is important.

I have battled weight issues for my whole life. As I have often said, it was easy to tell which baby pictures were of me. I was the one drawn with circles. I wore husky pants in elementary. I always have pulled at my shirt. Wearing corduroy pants was deemed a fire hazard. This is not news to anyone who knows me. I am overweight.

Over the last few months, I have really tried to have some sort of plan for changing things. I looked into attending Overeaters' Anonymous, but have had a horrible time trying to find a way to actually make it to a meeting. I have thought and thought about options and plans. I have run back through my efforts in the past and tried to identify what caused my inevitable failure. And the root of the matter is that I am a food addict. This also is not a surprise. I have an addictive personality, something that seems to be an inherited family trait. While my addictions have never manifested themselves in alcohol or drugs, they certainly have surfaced in other ways.

For most addicts, you just have to stop "cold turkey." For a food addict, cold turkey just makes you want to make a sub. You can't stop eating. But, I discovered a few years ago, that I can do something close. And I am going to try that again, but this time with more resolve and with something I didn't have last time. I am going to ask you, my dear friends and family, to help me through your prayers and cooperation.

For the next week or so, I am going to start the process with a juice fast of sorts. This is to serve as a jolt to my body and to cleanse some toxins. I did this a few years back, and it was very effective. Then, I am going to follow up by following a very simple and restrictive menu. I mean VERY restrictive. The point of this is to actually battle the foods I have trouble getting out of my life (soda, cheese, fried stuff, dessert). This will go on for a while - a month or so, two if needed. I am going to do this to actually attack it like an addiction - give myself the nutrients I need without feeding the addictive elements. (And, don't worry about me doing something stupid. Remember, I now live with a medical professional in training.)

At the same time, I will be praying a LOT for God to deliver me from this drag on my life. I will be reading and praying Scripture. I want to really deal with this as a sin issue as well (for the first time). It is my sincere hope that by mid-March I will have come to a place where I can begin following a realistic and healthy long-term approach to food. I will be in Orlando March 15-17 for a Defender event, and will spend some time with a counselor there who focuses on nutritional issues. She will help me come up with a diet I can live with from that point.

My request of you is twofold. First, please remember to pray for me. Even if it is at your standard mealtime, just offer up a prayer that I will have strength and deliverance. The second thing is I pray for your cooperation. Please don't offer me chances to fail. Many of you live far away, so that is not really an issue. But if we have a chance to spend time together, please be conscious that food will be a problem for me. And if we come to spend time with you, please allow me to follow my bizarre menu. I know that all of you will do that. I just need to say it. In times past, I have hoped for a friend to help me undermine myself. And they have usually unwittingly provided the chances to fail.

So, that is what I hope to do. I desperately want to get this under control. I want to be healthy. I want to live to see my kids grow up and get married and have kids. I want to be attractive to my wife. But, most importantly, I want to stop being defeated and controlled. I want to be able to stand up and give testimony to the power of God in breaking strongholds. Will you please help me? I love you all and thank you in advance.

for HIS glory,
Rev. David Staples